Angel of God
by Korissaa
Summary: RUNNER UP WINNER of TWI-Slash Unveiled Contest - Edward comes home to visit Bella before starting the next chapter of his life, when he meets Jasper, a professional surfer. Edward want to learn how to surf, but is that all he'll learn?
1. Chapter 1 A Gradual Shift

**Summary: **Edward comes home to visit Bella before starting the next chapter of his life. When he meet's Bella's roommate Rosalie's brother Jasper, a professional surfer. Edward want to learn how to surf, but is that all he'll learn?

**A/N:** This is my first shot at writing FanFiction. I thought an anonymous contest would be a great way to stick my toes in the water. I went to the TwilightAwards site, closed my eyes and picked. I landed on TwiSlash Unveiled SLASH Contest! I wasn't sure if I could do it, but I had recently read MsKathy's A Trip Home and I read prior contest entries and found them quite moving. Love is Love...

I ended up winning Runner Up, which was such an honor because there were some AMAZING entries. Let me know if you like it.

**Disclaimer:** Oh, what tangled webs we weave when we twist Stephanie Meyers' characters into things that please (me at least, I LOVE these boys!)

I walked over to the patio table at Schooner or Later, seeing her look out at the boats on the water. "So Bells, what's new?" It was so good to see Bella.

"Edward! You're here! Oh my god, have I missed you, you have no idea!" She said, throwing her arms around me.

_We grew up in a small town called Forks, Washington. Everybody knew everybody else, but my Irish Catholic parents did their share to increase the population. I am one of fifteen children, lucky number 13. There are 9 boys and 6 girls. My dad Edward is a doctor, and while we weren't what you would call "rich", but every single one of the Masen Clan went through St. Anne's Catholic School. My mom, Esme, was the best mom in the world. I would watch other frazzled moms in stores or school with only one or two children, but my mom reveled in it. _

_I met Isabella Swan when she moved to Forks in the 6__th__ grade. She was Police Chief Charlie Swan's only daughter. Charlie and Renee had been divorced since Bella was three and Bella lived with her mom in Arizona until a terrible car accident took Renee's life. Charlie lived a bachelor's life for a lot of years, so when a hormonal twelve year-old girl who just lost her mother came to live with him, Charlie opted for Catholic school over public school, even though he wasn't a very religious man. My sister, Alice, was the first person to reach out to her and, soon enough, Bella and Alice were inseparable best friends. _

_Alice was force of nature whilst Bella was quiet and contemplative. They were the perfect ying and yang. Our house had constant excitement and was overflowing with people and love, whereas Bella's house was quiet and peaceful, but sometimes lonely. The girls bounced from house to house as their needs required. Sometimes Bella needed the hustle and bustle of the Masen house and other times Alice needed the quiet of the Swan household. They were always together, it just depended where. _

"Well, school still takes up most of my time, but I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. This. Is. It! Can you believe it? It feels like I've been in school for-fucking-ever and now I think I'm a little sad it's almost over." Bella continued without taking a breath, "of course, the best part is that you're here. So, are you drinking? I know it's 9:00 am on a Wednesday, but I don't have a class until 1:00 and you're here! You can drink still, can't you? Is there a rule for that?"

I smirked and rolled eyes, in part for the word vomit I was just subjected to and then for the questions. It never occurred to me that we would drink this early in the morning. I was in my final year of seminary and this was my "final" break before ordination.

When Fr. Carlisle, my mentor and good friend, told me I had to take a two week vacation before he would sign off on the final paperwork, I balked and told him I was ready and two weeks wouldn't make a difference. I couldn't think of anywhere I wanted to be except within the peaceful walls of the seminary and told him so. Fr. Carlisle just quietly smiled and told me to go home. Forks hadn't been my home in years and the only thing that came to mind when he said home was Bella.

The waitress came over and after Bella ordered coffee and yoghurt, I ordered something called "Schultzie's Mess" and a schooner of Blue Moon. Bella cocked an eyebrow at me and quickly changed her coffee the same.

"Well," she said smiling, "it looks like Edward's come to play! I love it!"

"Drama much, Bella?" I countered with a bigger smile, cocking my head slightly to the side.

"I'm sorry, but won't Fr. Ken over there be concerned when he sees the Church's brightest star drinking this early in the morning?" Bella questioned.

I turned my head a little too quickly before Bella busted up laughing. She laughed so hard tears were streaming down her face. I couldn't help smiling while my face grew brighter and brighter. This was not the kind of interaction I was used to at seminary, but it was pure Bella and … home.

"Ha, ha, you know, I'm closer to God than you are, and he doesn't like it when his _brightest stars_ are messed with," I teased her.

She saw it for the empty threat it was and just smiled back at me while gently placing her hand on my forearm. I exhaled and quietly relaxed with her simple touch. It had been like this with us since Alice died.

Bella looked up at me, squeezed my arm a little tighter and whispered, "Alice would be so proud of you, you know."

I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, "I hope so," and then I looked her straight in the eyes and smiled, "but I rather think she'd be hassling me and trying get me into trouble during my time off!"

Bella giggled.

_Alice died__ i__n her junior year of high school. She was dating Riley at the time and "in love". Riley was a senior like me and cherished my sister. We were all at a party at James' house, drinking and celebrating our homecoming win. We were on top of the world. James took the party to a different level, sharing some LSD he'd gotten a hold of. If I had had any idea Riley or Alice tried it I would have never let them drive, but I didn't. _

_No one ever found out what really happened that night, all we know is that Riley's car missed a hairpin turn and the car went over a cliff. Neither Riley nor Alice were wearing seatbelts and both died on impact. That night will forever be ingrained in my mind like a horrific looping nightmare I can't wake up from. Chief Swan knocking on our front door with a tear streaked Bella, wide-eyed, standing next to him. I couldn't register what Chief Swan was trying to say because I was focused on Bella and her pleading eyes. Chief Swan put both of his hands on my shoulders and gently shook me, "Edward, I need you to get your parents, I know your dad is here because I called the hospital first." I crinkled my forehead, processing that something was wrong and my eyes shot back to Bella, who just looked pained and started to sob. Chief Swan held his daughter and looked at me softly and said, "Now, Edward, please go get them and then you and Bella can talk." I nodded and woke up Mom and Dad. Once Chief Swan walked to the family room to talk to my parents, I turned to Bella._

"_What kind of trouble did you and Alice get yourself into?" I teasingly inquired. Bella just crumbled to the floor as I heard my mother screaming in the other room. I didn't know where to go, but soon the house was filled with crying Masens. My life, as I knew it, imploded. Alice was our family's sun and, even though most of our brothers and sisters had left the house and started families of their own, we were all still planets that revolved around her pure energy. _

_Alice's death had a profound effect on our family. We rarely saw Dad because he worked almost non-stop and my older brothers and sisters seemed to cling to their own families because it was just too hard to come home to the one we were brought up in. If Alice was our sun, Mom was our heart, and Mom's heart was irreparably shattered. _

_I never questioned my crazy large family, but after Alice died I realized just what being child 13 of 15 meant. Mom was old, tired, and now broken. My younger brother, Seth, took the brunt of the loss as far as my mom went. He was ten when it happened, a surprise if you will. (If you can call child number 15 a surprise.) I tried to be there for mom after, but I guess I reminded her too much of Alice. To be honest, I'm still not sure if it's that or because she blames me for being at the party and not saving Alice. _

_In a house full of people and their schedules, there was very little consistency, but church was the one exception for us. Every Sunday we plodded our way to mass. There were Masens everywhere! Seth and I were altar boys. My sisters, Leah, __Siobhan and Maggie ran the children's choir while my brothers, Liam, Paul, Garrett and Peter ran the youth groups and taught SRE religious education classes to kids. _

_I never questioned my family's faith before Alice died, it was just a part of who I was, so following Mom to 6am mass every day after she passed away wasn't something I questioned either. It started out to be the one place everything went quiet and mom let me sit next to her, but somehow all routine of the mass became its own comfort. I needed it and it allowed it to comfort me in a way my mom couldn't…or wouldn't._

Bella, squeezed my arm again, and asked quietly "Hey, where did you go just now?" As a looked up, a tear fell from my eyes.

"Oh, you know, just thinking about Alice," I replied as I wiped the tear away and stared at the sailboats that surrounded us.

"I think about her all the time," she smiled. "You know, she'd be kicking our ass, if she knew we were crying over her in our beer."

"You're right," I answered, "and God help us, she would tease us relentlessly over it."

Suddenly, I felt lighter. didn't know if it was the sailboats on the water, talking about Alice, the schooner of beer, being with Bella, or the combination of everything, but for the first time in as long as I could remember, I felt like me again.

"How come we don't talk about her more?" I asked.

"I don't know," Bella replied. "I actually do talk about her a lot. Rose almost kicked me out because of it when we first starting living together."

I had to laugh. Over the years I had gotten to know Rose through Bella and I could see that Rosalie Hale took second place to no one, especially the ghost of a best friend.

"What made her understand?"

"You did."

That surprised me. "Me?"

Bella looked up from her plate, where she was stirring her food. "Do you remember when we spent that Thanksgiving together my sophomore year of college?"

I raised my eyebrows. "Yeah…?"

"It was the first time we all met Emmett, remember?"

I smiled again and mused to myself. Who knew with eight brothers, the man I'd be the closest to, with the exception of Fr. Carlisle, would be Emmett McCarty. "Yeah, that was a fun night, I was so grateful you called. I didn't want to go home, but staying in the dorms at Loyola Marymount had no appeal either."

"Rose knew you were from Forks, but put it together that night that ythat hh ou were Alice's brother, so when we talked later sr he actually listened. I think Emmett coming into her life allowed her to take a minute and see other people's lives for what they were instead of just how they related to her own life." Bella took a deep breath. "You probably never realized it, but Rose spent the next year trying to set us up together."

I jerked my head up and looked at a very embarrassed Bella. I knew I had to come clean. "I actually did, Rose isn't known for her subtly. It didn't matter how many times I tried to explain that we weren't like that, Rose pushed and pushed. I prayed over it. I loved hanging out with you guys, but Rose is relentless, so much like Alice at times." I wasn't sure if it was the beer talking, but I continued. "I finally pulled away; I had already decided to go to seminary, so I just put my energy there."

I was surprised when two more schooners of Blue Moon arrived at our table, but grateful it was in front of me. This was not the conversation I expected to be having this morning.

Bella took a sip of beer, waiting out the uncomfortable silence, then finally spoke. "It was hard, you know. I knew what it was like to lose the person who meant the most to you; I was so alone when my mom died." She took a long sip of beer. "I really tried to be there for you, like Alice was there for me when I moved to Forks." She smiled sadly. "Alice was my lifeline back then. When we lost her, in a car accident of all things, I felt like I couldn't breathe, it was all too much, but then there was you, Alice's brother. Somewhere along the way I decided that I would be your Alice. I tried to be there for you in any way you needed me."

I tried to process all this information, but it felt a little like I was somehow underwater. I wondered what Bella was telling me and how I missed everything. I am going to be a priest, I've taken more psychology and grieving classes than anyone I know. I've been told I'm so effective at comforting people, it's almost like I can read their minds. This is what I do, who I am, how is it possible that I missed the cues of one of the most important people in my life?

All I could manage to get out was, "I didn't know, Bella."

Bella smiled again. "I know, I never expected you to. It was the way I wanted to honor Alice and along the way I got a new best friend - I got you."

I just sat there. In seminary we're taught how fill the uncomfortable silences, but God forgive me, I had no words. She was absolutely my best friend. I couldn't have been happier when she came got into Cal State Long Beach because Loyola Marymount was only 45 minutes away. Wait…

"Bella, why did you come to school down here?"

I stared into her eyes and knew the answer before she spoke. "I wanted to be close, in case you needed me."

How did I not know this? I never questioned why she went to school in California, I was only ever glad she did.

I looked up as Bella spoke again, "Rose cornered me after that Thanksgiving and found out I followed you down here. That's when she decided to set us up," she said as she fell quiet again, but added, "I want you to know I never expected anything, but I think I did get caught up in Rose's fantasy for us a little bit, so when you avoided me, it was even harder for me."

"I really had no idea, Bells," I said softly.

Bella smiled softly with more wisdom and caring than I had ever seen before, looked me straight in the eye said, "I know Edward, it's really okay. I just want you happy, that was always my priority. Do you remember when you decided to go on to seminary? I told you the same thing I'm telling you now, your happiness is what matters most to me. Are you happy, Edward?"

"I love helping people, it gives my life meaning and I'm really good at it," I answered truthfully.

Bella took my other hand and squeezed both of them simultaneously, "Edward, that's not what I asked, and Alice would demand no less. Edward, are YOU happy? Is becoming a priest everything you want out of life?" she took a breath and continued, "Because This. Is. It. And I really need to know."

I don't know why, but I was pissed. "Bella, I shouldn't have to explain this to you, of all people. You know how important my faith is to me and becoming a priest is the ultimate gift I can give my church and God. Bella, YOU were the one who told me to follow my dreams, YOU were the one who told me to go to seminary, why the hell are you questioning me now?" Suddenly, I realized that drinking two schooners of beer might not have been the best idea I've ever had.

Bella cocked an eyebrow, squared her shoulders, dropped my hands from hers and answered me in the same tone I had just given her. "Because Edward, I owe you this, I owe Alice this and God damn it, you owe Alice this. What exactly are these two weeks for, anyway? Isn't this the Church's way of asking if you're sure? Have you even questioned whether or not this is what's right for you, or are you just being Edward and excelling at everything you do without questioning why you're doing it?"

Bella softened both her tone and expression grabbing both of my hands again, before going on. "Because if you tell me this is it for you and you're happy, then I am too."

I didn't take a second before answering, "I am."

"Okay, that's what I needed to know." She picked up the bill and said teasingly, "My treat, because I missed Mass this Sunday and this is kinda like supporting the church." Then she winked at me.

I rolled my eyes, glad to be back to normal. "Whatever." Then I added, "thanks Bella, thanks breakfast, for talking to me… for everything."

"It just came to me, I know how to honor Alice!" she said mysteriously as she pulled me out of the restaurant and into the parking lot. "I've been thinking about it since you made that comment about her wanting to get you into trouble. Edward, do you trust me?" she asked, trying to appear more innocent than her tone was implying.

"In theory," I hedged. "I'm certainly not afraid of you or anything you've got planned though," I added cockily.

Bella smirked while shaking her head, "You really shouldn't have said that."

When we got to her house, Bella left me to ponder what she was up to while she went to class. I was camping out on the couch because Rosalie's brother was also visiting and he arrived first, so he got the guest bedroom. It didn't really matter to me anyway. Bella, Emmett and Rose lived in a great house one block from Second Street, which is a great area of bars, restaurants, coffee shops and stores and about two blocks from the beach. I wasn't sure which way to go, but opted for the beach.

The beach was relatively, empty except for a few surfers on the water. I took the opportunity to call Fr. Carlisle.

"Hi Edward, I take it you arrived safely? he asked.

I smiled, "yeah, Father, it's beautiful here. I can see God in the sun and the waves, you'd love it." He had told me on many occasions that I could just call him Carlisle, but he had been more of a father to me than my own lately and I _liked _calling him Father.

"Have you figured out how you're going to spend your time? I know you're hesitant about it, but it's important, son. Use it wisely, you're taking a big step." Carlisle said.

"Well, was planning on helping Fr. Ken at St. Matthews and possibly work on my homily skills," I responded. "And then again, there's Bella's plan…"

"What's Bella's plan?" He inquired curiously.

"I actually am not sure," I chuckled.

"Do you think that she'd ever want you to do anything that would hurt you in anyway?" he asked.

"No, of course not, I'm just not sure she's not looking to get me into a little trouble though," I answered honestly.

"Edward, you have always put the other people in your life first, son. I want you to consider what Bella wants to do. I've seen her heart and I agree with you, she'd never hurt you. You have one of the purest hearts I've come across. You work so hard at the process but very rarely let yourself just be. Take this time, enjoy it, push your boundaries a little, you'll be a better priest because of it."

I didn't know what to say. "I'll think about it."

"Edward, I'm going to go, call me whenever you want or need to, but I won't be expecting a call for two weeks," he said, before abefore abbb dding, "Son, I'm so proud of you and the man of God you've become."

I teared up listening to his words and simply said, "good-bye."

I don't know how long I sat on the beach watching the surfers, but as the sky turned pink and orange, I decided that for the next two weeks my life was in Bella's hands. I hoped Bella's plan included beach time, because all of the sudden surfing looked really good to me.

When I finally walked back to the house, it was dinner time. "Hey man, you're here! I got all excited when I saw your stuff in the living room. I can't believe we get you for two weeks," Emmett said while giving me the one-arm man hug.

"Ready for me to kick your ass on the PS3? I'm assuming they don't have Grand Theft Auto in the seminary?"

I rolled my eyes. "That's a safe assumption, but watch your back when it comes to Wii Sports."

"You're on brother," Emmett called out, turning his back to me as he checked on the steak.

Rosalie walked in with a candle for the table. "Awww, what do we having going on here, a little bromance?" she asked as she kissed my cheek hello. "Doesn't the church employ some sort of "don't ask don't tell" policy about that shit?"

"Uhhhh, no, Rose, that's the military, we love all of God's children," I responded. I knew she wasn't sure how I took it and there was an uncomfortable silence as I stared at her. Emmett turned around to watch this play out and I quickly winked at him without Rosalie seeing.

"What the fuck, Rose? Why are you dissing my boy here, he's gonna be a goddamn priest for fucks sake, show some respect will ya?"

Now Rosalie was really uncomfortable. I couldn't take it anymore and broke a smile.

"Fuck dude, we're gonna have to keep you around. No one, I mean no one, makes my girl speechless, that shit was priceless!"

"Thanks man, I'm not sure we need to use "goddamn" as an adjective for me becoming a servant of God, but that was funniest thing I've done in a long time," I said rather proudly, then turning to Rose, "Sorry, Rose."

Rosalie looked at me with a twinkle of respect in her eyes as she said, "Damn Priest Boy, I didn't know you had it in you, but you're right, you'll be sorry."

We were all enjoying a nice bottle of red wine as Bella laughed with Emmett's recount of what had happened earlier when a blonde man in Quicksilver board shorts a surfboard under his arm walked into the front courtyard.

"'Bout time dumbass, we were getting ready to eat without you." As the blonde man went to hug Rosalie, she backed up and said "You, will NOT touch this outfit with your sandy, salty body."

"Hey Em," the man said as he nodded his head, "Hey Bells, Jake's not gonna make it tonight, he got called into work, but he says he'll text later."

Bella lowered her head slightly, blushing a little. "Thanks Jazz. Jazz, this is my friend Edward, Edward, this is Rosalie's brother, Jasper Hale."

"Hey man, nice to meet you," he said as he reached over the table to shake my hand. A spark of electricity shot up my arm.

Not knowing what to say I just said, "yeah, me too."

Still feeling the tingling in my arm, I got lost in my thoughts when Bella's question brought me back.

"Edward…Edward, are you going to fill me in on your plans for the next two weeks?"

"Actually, I had planned on calling Fr. Ken at St. Matthews and follow him around."

Emmett coughed the words "kiss ass", as I cocked my eyebrow and continued, "However, believe it or not Fr. Carlisle encouraged me to walk on the wild side and follow the Bella Plan of Debauchery."

Bella broke into the widest smile. "I knew I loved that man for a reason! How is Carlisle?"

"He's fine, he asked about you too."

"You know it won't work, don't you?" she asked.

'What won't?" I asked, having no idea where this was going. I looked around, suddenly wondering where Jasper went, because he wasn't in the courtyard.

"Saying that FATHER Carlisle gave you _permission. _First of all, I don't need permission and secondly this is going to be fffor Alice and for you," she said, giving me an evil grin.

All the sudden we had Emmett's full attention. "Okay you two, what the fuck is up?"

Bella was quick to answer. "I've decided that we are going to make the most of Edward's last two weeks of being a free man filled with everything he won't be able to do after he becomes married to God."

Emmett whipped his head around. "No shit man? Hell Yeah! I've gotta get on this action! Let see, we're going to strip clubs, nah, fuck strippers, hookers! We're gonna get d-r-u-n-k! Hey dude what drugs have you done?"

Both Bella and I visibly stiffened at the last comment as Rosalie smacked Emmett in the back of the head and mouthed "Alice".

"Shit, I'm sorry, I just got caught up in all the excitement, " Emmett said, as he gulped the rest of his wine.

"What excitement?" Jasper asked, sitting down across from me.

"We were just going over how to fill Edward's next two weeks," Rose answered and I smiled a grateful thanks for her compassion. "What were you thinking, Edward?"

"Actually, the only thing I can think of at the moment is I'd like to learn how to surf." And then turning to Emmett, "and Em pretty much listed all the stuff I'm NOT gonna do."

"I'm not sure what all Em mentioned, but I could help with the surfing. I'll be out on the water all week. You okay with getting up-early?"Jasper asked.

I thought about how my arm tingled earlier and said, "Uh, thanks man, I don't want to put you out. I was just watching some surfers on the beach earlier and it looked very… serene."

"It is kinda Zen, especially in the early morning, but it's also such a thrill catching that perfect wave and battling it out with nature and gravity. There are moments when everything lines up and you feel such at one with the world and God."

I was mesmerized by Jasper's words. "You make it seem pretty fantastic, I'm not sure it's going to be like that for me," I replied.

"That's crazy Edward. I've never seen a sport you haven't excelled at," Bella retorted.

"Okay, I'm in. What time?"

"Five am. Do you need board shorts or a wet suit?" he asked. "You're about my size."

"No, I can go and buy one." I answered.

"That's ridiculous. Thanks to Jake I have more shit than I know what to do with. I'll just pull something out for you," Jasper said.

"Um, okay, thanks again, man."

"You know you're really lucky to have Jazz teaching you. Some people would consider him quite an expert," Rosalie said mysteriously.

"Knock it off Rose, I'm just a guy who likes to surf."

"Yeah and gets paid a fuckload of money to do it," Emmett threw out. "Not to mention all the beach bunny fans that are wasted on your sorry ass."

"What am I missing?" I question.

"Jasper is a professional surfer," Bella explains.

"Really? So Jake is your team mate?"

"Um, no Jake works for Quicksilver. They're my main sponsor, but he is a surfer," Jasper responded.

"Oh, that's cool, and you must be friends too, because you invited him to dinner." I said, happy to figure the mystery of Jake out.

Then I saw a look pass between Rose and Bella as Jazz looked over to them both and Em poured himself another glass of wine.

Bella broke the silence. "Jake and I are dating, Edward." She took a sip of wine and continued, "it's actually pretty serious."

My eyes went directly to hers, "Just how serious Bella?"

I waited, and all she said was, "Serious."

"Well, good Bella, I'm happy for you," I said smiling, but feeling confused, lost and pissed all at the same time.

Somehow, the mention of "Jake" sucked all the energy out of the dinner conversation and I excused myself to go to bed, forgetting that I was sleeping on the couch.

"Hey dude, why don't you take the guest room tonight, you're probably jet lagged," Jasper asked seeming to understand I needed some space.

"No, that's okay, but could I crash on the floor in there?" I asked. Emmett seemed to want to say something, but instead took another sip of wine.

"No problem, I think they're a blow up mattress in the hall closet. Are you sure you don't want me to sleep on the couch?" Jasper asked.

"Nope, let's get the mattress. I've got an early morning tomorrow."

I texted Fr. Carlisle before I went to sleep. _Going to learn to surf and become one with God. Thanks for our talk this afternoon. – E_

Then I closed my eyes and fell into a deep sleep.

I got up with the alarm at 5am wondering if I should wake up Jasper and was surprised to see him already awake. He had laid out a towel and some swim trucks at the end on the bed for me.

"How long is it gonna take you to get ready?" he asked.

I ran my fingers through my unruly hair and responded, "give me ten?"

"No prob, I'll be out front waiting for you," he said as he walked out the door.

We didn't drive far and I wondered if it was Jasper I saw surfing yesterday. Jasper met up with five guys, whom he introduced me to as Embry, Quil, Jake, Tyler and Laurent.

"Hey, you're Edward. Bella's been talking about you non-stop for weeks now. She's so excited you're here. Welcome man!" Jake said, shaking my hand.

He was nice enough, but I just didn't like . Frankly, I was a little pissed that Bella could take the time to talk to him about me but never once mentioned him to me. What was that about?

Jasper stayed back with me while the other's slipped on their wetsuits and paddled out to hit the waves.

"Okay, how much about surfing do you know?" he asked.

"Honestly, nothing, other that I had a compulsion to try it while watching it yesterday," I answered.

Jasper placed a surfboard on the sand and demonstrated how to balance and walk up and down the board. When it was my turn, I mimicked his movements exactly. I knew I was a great student and smiled widely at him. We put on our wetsuits, and even though it took me twice as long as him. He ran in the water and as I got about three feet in, I stopped. It. Was. Cold.

I was contemplating getting out when I heard Jake yell, "Oh look! Guess Eddie can't handle a little cold water."

I was sure I hated him at this point and ran into the water after Jasper. _Fuck, it's cold_. I made a mental note to spend less time with Emmett before I leave to go back.

The other guys kept catching waves when I saw Jasper finally catch one. It was one of the most incredible things I had ever seen. His motions were fluid-like, as he balanced, anticipating the motion of the wave, made corrections and caught the barrel. I suddenly knew what he meant when he said he felt one with God, because at that moment, I did too.

I was still watching the other surfers when Jasper swam up and startled me. "You know Edward, the whole point to surfing is actually getting on the board and riding it in to the shore," he teased.

"I just haven't found my wave yet," I said lamely.

"It's like that at first, you're just gonna have to get on the board and do it. Here comes a wave, now paddle!" he exclaimed.

I didn't get up on that wave or any other that morning. I spent a lot of time watching the other guys, especially Jasper, and was surprised when it was time to go. We all peeled off our wet suits, when a group of girls practically tackled Jasper, before Jake backed them off. Jasper smiled apologetically and signed some autographs.

I quietly stepped away and sat on the sand looking over the ocean. This was not was I had expected to be doing, but it somehow felt all together right. I don't know how long I was sitting there when Jasper walked up with two cups of coffee.

"I didn't know how you took it, so if you need to doctor it, we can go back."

"No, its fine, thanks," I said as I took a sip, "It's perfect."

"It's peaceful out here, isn't it?" he asked as he sat down in the sand alongside me. "I love to come out here and just think."

"It's funny, my life is so regimented that I rarely take the time to do this, but as it turns out it's exactly what I need."

"Care to share?" Jasper asked.

"Oh, I was just thinking about my sister, Alice, and Bella and where my life is now," I answered.

"So just the light stuff, huh?" he nudged me with his shoulder and smiled.

I felt the same electricity I felt the other day, except this time it was where his shoulder touched me.

I didn't have enough time to think about it when Jasper said, "Hey, I'm really sorry I was the one to tell you about Jake. I really put my foot in my mouth."

"No worries, I'm sure she has her reasons for not telling me about him. We haven't actually talked all that much in the past six months or so," I told him.

"How long were you guys together?" he asked.

"What? Um, you have the wrong idea. Bella and I were never together like that, she's my best friend and before that she was Alice's best friend."

"Yeah, but you two seem closer than that. You've never thought about her that way?" he asked as I stared into his blue eyes. He then added, "You know, feel free to tell me it's none of my business, by the way."

I smiled. "no, it's okay, you're easy to talk to. We are closer, we bonded in a way I've never been able to describe after my sister died. My family, my whole life really, disintegrated. Bella was my lifeline." I remembered that Bella had used those same words to describe what Alice was to her after her mom died. "It has never been like that, for me anyway. Your sister tried to set us up, but that was just awkward. I pulled away and ended up hurting Bella."

"So nothing in college, but what about high school?" he pushed. It must be a family trait, I mused.

"Well, nothing there either. Neither one of us dated much. I was just starting to see Jessica Stanley when my sister died and I never dated after that."

"Really, never again?" he asked surprised, "That was a long time ago."

"I don't know what to tell you. Maybe Bella and I would be together in a different time and place, but I've never felt that way about her, or any other girl really." As soon as I said it, it even surprised me, so I continued to explain. "When Alice died, something in me died with her. I didn't have anything to give anyone else. I found my comfort in church and God and dedicated myself to being the best servant of God I could be. When I focus on something I can't allow distractions. For a lot of my fellow seminarians, 'distractions' were the hardest thing about becoming a priest. I just never let it enter my mind as a possibility."

I looked over to see Jasper staring intently at me. I held his stare for a moment before he asked, "Hey, you want to get breakfast?"

"Sure, that would be great."

For the couple of days, Jasper and I would take off early in the mornings to surf. By the third day, I could actually get up on the board. Jasper told me I was doing great, but Jake constantly reminded me how awkward I was and joked I was giving his company a bad name by wearing his logo. Jasper and I spent the late mornings at breakfast and would sometimes try to catch a set in the afternoon. We always made it back to Bella's before dinner.

Jasper and I were becoming close friends and I was so grateful for it. We managed to talk about everything - his life growing up with Rose, why surfing was so important to him, what it was like to travel around the world and how it could be lonely sometimes. We talked about what my life was like before Alice died and the contrast to what it became afterward. We talked extensively about Bella and why she was so important to me and also about Fr. Carlisle and how he became not only my mentor, but my pseudo-dad as well.

We were having lunch at Hof's Hut on 2nd Street when Jasper asked, "Hey, do you want to help me make dinner tonight? I kinda volunteered since Bella and Rose have been making dinner every night."

"Sure," I offered. "What are we making?"

"Well, that's what I kinda need help with or we're gonna end up ordering pizza, which is what I think they're expecting," he replied shyly.

"Oh, I see how it is." I gently pushed his shoulder back a little and chuckled. "I guess I owe you for the surf lessons. How about lasagna? It's easy and always a crowd pleaser. We could do garlic bread and a salad too."

"Are you kidding me?" Jasper looked at me with what seemed to be awe in his eyes. "Let's go shopping."

We worked in perfect synchronicity in the kitchen. I was so happy I didn't even balk when I found out Jake was coming to dinner. Jasper opened the bottle of wine he picked out and surprised us with a toast before dinner. "To Alice, for bringing us all together. I'm sorry I never got a chance to know her, but I'm sure grateful to her."

"To Alice" everyone declared at we all raised and clinked our glasses. … I looked to Bella and she was smiling as she mouthed "thank you" to Jazz. I smiled at him as well. My heart was so full at that moment as I looked over this family of friends.

Jake interrupted my moment of bliss my saying, "So Eddie, Bella tells me you've got a bucket list of things to go through before taking the final plunge." Jake fist bumping Emmett. "So, what's on the list?"

"I don't know, it's actually Bella's list. I just wanted to learn how to surf," I answered back, coldly.

"Well hell, it's Friday night. Let's go down to 2nd Street," Emmett said, diffusing our conversation.

We walked into a dive bar they called AI and Jake asked, "Hey Eddie, do they let you play pool in church school?"

I shot Bella a look, and she shrugged her shoulders. I said flatly, "No one's stopped me so far."

"Doubles then? Jazz and you against me and Em?" Jake asked.

I looked to Jazz. "Playing? It's either you or Bella." I saw Jake stiffen on the other side of the table.

"I'll play if Bella and Rose will get the beer; girls get served in here much faster," he answered. Then he looked to Jake, "We break."

I cleared the table in the first round without giving anyone else a shot. After I sunk the eight ball,,, I walked past Jake and said, "Sometimes its good to have God on your side."

I poured myself a glass of beer and looked right into Jasper's eyes, who was staring at me again. I smiled back and raised my glass.

It was a fun night, even though we almost got into a bar fight because some guy kept hitting on Rose and neither Emmett nor Jazz were happy about it. I lost track of how many pitchers we had. I was thankful we were walking, because I was certain no one could drive.

When we got home, I wanted to take a shower because I smelled like smoke and beer. When I came back from the shower, Jazz was passed out, face up in his boxer briefs. He was truly beautiful, like a work of art. God did make perfection and it was lying in front of me. I stared down at his squared off jaw line and chiseled abs. I ran my hands through my hair and knew it was time for me to go to bed. I walked by the bed and saw Jasper turn to his stomach. I wondered if he saw me watching him, but I doubted it. He was out cold… wasn't he?

Jazz and I found out we were on our own the next night because iit was "date night." After dinner we settled on a movie. Bella left out the movie "Hangover" before she left on her date with Jake. I had never seen it, and she thought it was something I "had" to see. I found myself watching Jazz as much as the movie, laughing when he laughed and loving the sound of our laughter together. We laughed a lot that that night; the movie was hilarious.

When the movie was over, , Jazz said he was going to bed and then added, "I don't usually surf on Sundays, is that all right?"

"Yeah, absolutely. Gonna sleep in, huh?" I asked, teasing him a bit.

"No, actually I go to church on Sundays,…no matter where I am."

It was my turn to stare now. "We never talked about religion; you go to church?" I asked.

He smiled, "Altar boy from fourth grade on."

"Me too." I answered back.

We spent the next two hours discussing Mass stories.

I told him, as I yawned, "I can't believe we have so much in common Jazz, I really think I could tell you anything. I'm so glad we're friends." I reached over and touched his shoulder feeling that tingle again.

Jasper pulled away a bit and turned to look at me, "Edward, I have to tell you something. I didn't before because it didn't matter, but now I think you should, or rather, deserve to know."

JJJasper took a deep breath and said, "Edward, I'm gay and I'm starting to have feelings for you. I know you're going to be a priest, which is making it worse for me, honestly. You are the most amazing guy I've ever met and I have to say a big part of my feelings come from the pure way you love God."

I didn't know what to say. This isn't what I wanted… was it? I knew he was waiting for me to say something and all I could think of was that I needed to talk to Fr. Carlisle. So I told him what I could. "Jazz, you being gay isn't an issue for me. You're the same guy you were yesterday at dinner, the same one that taught me to surf and the same one who laughed with me through that movie we're gonna have to go to confession over."

He seemed to know it was all I could give him. He said good night leaving me on the couch to ponder our conversation.

Not being about to wrap my head around all the events that happened, I walked outside towards the beach and pulled out my cell phone to call Carlisle.

"Edward, what's wrong, son?" he asked sleepily.

"Hi Father, I'm sorry for calling late, but I just needed to hear your voice." I said quietly.

"Okay, what have you been up to, is Bella okay?" he inquired.

"Yeah, everything is fine and Bella is great. I finally got up on a surf board, and I beat Bella's new boyfriend in pool." I said, filling up the dead space with conversation.

"Edward, is this what you really called me about?"

"Father, something happened tonight. Jasper, the guy who's been teaching me to surf, told me he was gay and attracted to me," I admitted to him.

"Edward, that happens to us all the time, you've taken classes about this. Did he do something inappropriate?"

"No, nothing like that, Jasper has become a really good friend. We've been talking a lot the last couple of days. He's a good man; he goes to church."

"Edward, what is the problem, son, did he make you uncomfortable?"

"No… yes..I don't know, Father." I paused then continued in a whisper, "Maybe that I'm attracted to him too?"

"We've never talked about your attraction to another person, how have you dealt with this in the past?"

"Father, I've never been attracted to another person. I don't know how to deal with this."

I heard him take a deep breath. "Edward, is this something you feel like you need to explore?"

"I don't know Father. I'm so confused," I cried out.

"Edward, I need you to hear me. I am so proud of you and the man you have become; you're going to have to be the one who decides what to do next." He paused and took another breath." I promise, whatever you decide will be the right choice, son."

I felt someone come up behind me and knew it was Jazz before I turned around. "Father, I'm going to go now. Thanks for listening."

"Good night, son."

"Hey," Jazz said, speculatively.

"Hey."

"Look, I know I threw a lot out at you tonight, and I'm really sorry. I've never felt like this before. I am so drawn to you and it's like a weird electric current shocks me every time I touch you."

I looked at him, relieved I was the only one that felt it. "I'm a little overwhelmed by all this too, Jazz. My life has been on one track since college; really since Alice died. I've never allowed myself to feel anything for anyone, but I can't seem to stop my feelings for you, let alone reconcile what the church would have to say about the feelings I'm having."

Jazz put his hand over mine as we sat watching the waves crashing over the sand. He didn't say anything, not moving, just quietly putting me at ease. I eventually turned to look at him, needing some sort of reassurance. I put my forehead to his, trying to come up with words to explain what I was feeling. "I don't know where to go with this. I'm scared, Jazz."

Suddenly it wasn't just our foreheads touching, it was our mouths. His lips were soft and tender. Soon the feelings morphed and I pulled him closer. This kiss evolved into needy and lust filled as I felt his tongue ghost over my lower lip. I opened my mouth to deepen the kiss. I've lost all sense of reason and gasped as he pulled away.

"Edward, I need you to know I care about you, more than I've ever cared about anyone else, so know this question is coming from a good place in my heart. Jazz says, and then added, "Are you sure? Because I really want this."

"I don't know, but I can tell you I've never felt like I just felt a minute ago. I'm not sure what just happened, I just know I want, no, _need_ it to happen again." I could hear my breathing pick up as I turned to him. "" Jazz, I feel that tingle too. I didn't know what it was and tried to ignore it, but it never went away. I still feel it even now and the thought of it going away scares me more than anything."

He nodded and moved towards me achingly slow. I thought he was going to kiss me again, but he turned, his nose ghosted my jaw line and I strained to feel his breath on my neck. He pulled away just a bit to look in my eyes and tickle my arms. He repeated the light touches over my arms and down to my hands. I watched him watching me. It was like I was feeling my body for the first time through him with every electric touch. I felt…worshipped.

I pulled his face towards mine, with a touch that mirrored his own tenderness. My fingers traced his beautiful face and perfect jaw line and then I kissed him. It was as soft and tender as our touches, each of us languidly seeking out each other.

"I have a confession," he said, which, even though he didn't mean it to, brought me back to real life in an instant. "I saw you watching me the other night. I don't think I would have ever had the courage to talk to you tonight if I hadn't."

I didn't have words to offer back. Jasper seemed to sense my thoughts and said, "It's time to go back in." I nodded and grabbed his hand as we turned around to go back to Bella's. We walked back in silence but I could feel Jasper's thumbs making tiny reassuring circles on the back of my hand and knuckles. When we got to the door, we both realized neither one of us had a key and was surprised the door was unlocked. Bella was sitting in the living room, watching a late night infomercial.

"Hey, night owls, I was kinda worried about you. I was getting ready to call since you didn't text me back," She said, as I pulled out my phone.

"I'm sorry I didn't hear it; we were down at the beach talking." I scrolled through the texts I missed.

_We've ended up at AI again – Meet us here? – B_

_Dude, get your ass down here, let's find some unsuspecting punk and play pool – Em_

_I'm so proud of you. Thank you for trusting me enough to call me. I'll always be there for you. Know that I trust you and you'll do the right thing, whatever that is for you – Carlisle_

_Where R U, Jazz is gone 2– R U 2gether? Getting worried, sending Jake home – B _

"You sent Jake home?" I asked trepidly, as Jazz said good night, leaving Bella and me in the living room.

"Yeah, we talked before he left. What's going on Edward, are you okay? It's 3:30 in the morning." I sat down beside her and pulled her feet onto my lap. "I'm fine, silly girl."

She pulled her feet back. "If I didn't know you as well as I do, I wouldn't see that as the diversionary tactic that it is. Now spill, what's up?"

I smiled tiredly. "Bells, I love you and I'm okay, but I'm not ready to talk right now. Can I just sit here with you?"

She covered us with the blanket, put her head on my shoulder and just nodded. I needed time to think, but I must have been wiped out because the next thing I remember was the sounds of dishes in the kitchen as my phone buzzed next to me.

I stretched and checked the messages. I was stunned to find out it was 11:30 in the morning.

_Everything seems clearer after a good night's sleep, tell Ken Hi for me - Carlisle_

_Gone to church, waiting for two masses, __ this is the last one, didn't want to wake you. – J_

"What do you know, Priest Boy awakes!" Rose muttered

"Good Morning Rose, I'm late. When's the last mass at St. Matthew's start?" I ask.

"Noon" Bella yelled from the other room, before Rose could get in what I was sure to be a snarky comment.

I jumped in the shower and raced to church. I had NEVER been late to church and slipped in, in the back. I scanned St. Matthew's and found Jazz on the end of a middle pew.

I watched him, knowing he had no idea I was here. He was like an angel and as sure of his movements in church as he was on a surfboard. I let the familiar routine of mass comfort me as I watched over Jazz. I knew in that moment that taking time to figuring out what this was between us was the right choice for me. I still had a week left, and that's how I was going to spend it.

As I went to communion, he turned back to me when I was about three rows away; he felt our connection too. He smiled as I passed him in the aisle. When I got through the line, he was standing in the back, waiting for me. We just stood together, arms touching every once in a while.

I felt whole in a way I had never felt before and somehow closer to God. Relief washed over me and I felt at home.

Jazz and I spent the rest of the afternoon hanging out at the house with Bella, Jake, Emmett and Rose. Rose surprised us all by beating everyone at Wii Resort. At dinner, Jazz touched my fingertips passing wine and food; it never failed to electrify both of us. It was exciting and I was practically giddy that we had this secret that no one seemed to notice.

Jazz announced he was tired and went to bed first. I got incredibly nervous and stayed out in the living room for another hour before retiring as well. He was shirtless, reading a surfer magazine when I came in our room. I locked the door as he looked up and smiled at me.

"Sit down and talk to me?" he asked, patting the other side of the bed. I climbed in, drawn to him like a magnet.

"We didn't get to talk much after church, but I want to figure this out with you," I said, holding his hand.

Jasper's other hand traced the muscles up my arm, over my shoulder as his hand flattened out over my pecs and down my abs. I was spellbound; afraid to move, not wanting him to stop, frightened where this was going as a small groan escaped from my chest.

I allowed my own hands to explore Jasper's work of at of a body, spurred on by his whimpers and jerks of pleasure. I was amazed I was making this arm feel this way and I had no intention of stopping.

Our lips crashed together in a combustible mixture of desperate need and want as he rolled over on me. I could feel all of him and I was sure he could feel all of me. I couldn't get enough of the delicious friction that was setting my insides on fire. I needed more…

Jazz pulled away as both of us panted. He smiled the sexiest lazy smile I had ever seen and reached over and placed his iPod on the alarm clock. "We're getting kinda loud and I need a minute."

"I'm sorry Jazz," I said and looked down.

Jazz placed his finger under my chin and pulled it up so we were looking into each other's eyes. "Hey, don't be. You're amazing, but this is intense and I just don't want to step over the line with you. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to stop."

I paused and whispered, "Jazz, I don't want you to stop."

I watched his eyes go from blue to black as my breathing picked up. "Edward, do you know what you're saying?"

I nodded and kissed him. "Show me how to love you."

He guided my hand over his cock and started to caress it. I wanted to feel it and dipped my hand underneath his waistband of his boxer briefs, pulling them off. He was just as beautiful there too. I stroked it slowly at first and more urgently as his groans spurred me on. I rubbed the pre-cum with my thumb, into the head as he gripped the sheets and came all over my hands. It was the most erotic thing I had ever seen.

I kissed him in adoration of the moment he had just given to me as he rolled me on my back. He looked at me, silently asking for permission. I nodded, then he pulled my boxers and sleep pants down. I was uncomfortably hard, so when he touched me, I nearly jumped off the bed.

He laughed. "Let me worship you the way I've been dreaming about since the first night I met you."

He kissed me as his hands explored my body, teasing me with his electric touches, waking up senses I never knew I had. He looked at me again before touching my cock.

"Please, Jazz…"

He kissed me some more and grabbed my shaft. I almost came right then and there. He kissed my neck and down my chest as he continued to stroke me. I couldn't think. So when I felt his mouth around the tip of my cock, I jerked back. I looked down as he looked up at me and I saw nothing but love. It was the most intimate moment of my life. I closed my eyes and felt him swallow me, pulling out only to slide my cock in his mouth again. He sucked and kissed and licked up and down my shaft as I felt the warmth in my belly expand.

"Jazz, I'm close," I said. I started to pull his head away; instead he took me deeper into his mouth and stroked my balls. It threw me over, and I called out his name, pulsing into his mouth. He swallowed everything I gave him and licked me clean. I had no words for what just happened. I laid back and pulled him to the crook of my arm.

We must have fallen asleep, because I woke up wrapped up beside him and knew what I needed to do. I reached for my phone and texted Fr. Carlisle.

_I need more time, will talk soon – E_.

**A/N** If you had read the earlier posted version of this chapter or the o/s on TwiSlash Unveiled, they were un-beta'ed. Thanks to the WONDERFUL and oh-so-much-smarter-than-me peeps at Project Team Beta, this is the cleaned up version.

Let me know what you think, what worked for you what didn't. Thanks for reading!


	2. Chapter 2 Finding Zen

**Long ass A/N: Okay I've read my o/s over and over and there are a hundred things I would change including not having a beta. I debated rewriting, but decided to just continue from where we last left off, letting Jasper fill in the blanks I left out in Chapter 1. **_**Italics are internal dialogs.**_

**If you read my A/N for Chapter 1 you know that I kinda tripped into slash. I've spent the last 3 weeks reading J & E stories for research because if I was going to continue it I wanted to do it with the honor and respect it deserved. All of that reading taught me two things: Slash is H-O-T and love is love. **

**I have the PRILEDGE of super fabulous Pre-readers: carrottop81690, 17ForeverLisa, and a special thank you to CherBella who beta'ed this chapter for me.** **Love ya more than I can say.**

**P(roject)T(eam) B(eta) took on my story and graciously cleaned it up. Much thanks goes to ****sangrealfire & storytellerslie of PTB this chapter. They gave me invaluable feedback which changed the storyline a bit and made the fic SO much better. **

**Disclaimer:** Oh, what tangled webs we weave when we twist Stephanie Meyers' characters into things that please (me at least, I LOVE these boys!)

Chapter 2 Finding Zen

JPOV

From the moment I laid eyes on him I was entranced. After my third or fourth set I noticed him on the beach; he was so beautiful sitting on the sand, watching the water. I fantasized that he was watching me, but knew that he was probably on the phone with his damn girlfriend. All the cute ones usually are.

My mind kept floating back to the image of him as Jake and my other handlers at Quiksilver droned on and on about my upcoming appearances. That was the hardest part of being a professional surfer, the corporate crap. Surfing was my life and the fact that people paid me to do it was fan-fucking-tastic, but the meetings and the appearances drained me. I could only absorb so much of what people expect out of me before I have to get back in the water and recharge to become me again.

After the meeting, Jake and I were getting ready to head to my sister Rose's house.

"Hey dude, Bella's friend, Edward, is gonna be at dinner tonight," Jake said randomly.

"Yeah, so?" I asked, wondering what's up with this guy. According to Emmett he's the second coming of Christ. "Isn't he on his last hurrah before becoming a priest or some shit like that?"

"Yeah, but Bella's been really weird lately. She didn't even invite me to dinner. What the fuck is that all about?" he asked, looking hurt.

"Does she ever invite you to dinner or do you just show up?" I pushed.

"I know, but something just seems off, like I'd be intruding or something if I showed up tonight," he replied.

"So you're gonna let some guy from Bella's past keep you from your girl, what the fuck? I've seen you together. She loves you, dude. Are you sure this shit's not all in your head?"

"I don't know. All I can tell you is that I feel what I feel, fucked up or not." He shrugged.

"You sure you don't want to come to dinner? I gotta jet, Rose will go ballistic if I'm late for dinner and I want to catch a set before it gets dark."

"You're going out again? What's up Jazz?"

"What? Isn't that what you and the corporate crew _want_ me to do?" I teased.

"Surfing in the afternoon is for chicks and old farts, what the hell?"

"Just working shit out in my head and I do that best on the water, ya know?"

"I guess I could use some of that. Want a partner in crime for crappy-ass surfing?"

I just smiled as we headed out to our cars and then to the one place in the world that always made sense to me. We surfed for a couple of hours while I tried to get that guy I'd seen on the beach out of my head.

I knew I could talk to Jake about it, but as hard as he tried, he didn't really understand, No one did.

I could have sworn I saw that guy back on the beach… It seemed I was seeing him in my mind everywhere, but he'd been in my head all day, so who knows.

I was still pissed at this guy Edward for screwing with Jake's head when I walked up to the house. I also knew I was screwed because I was late.

"'Bout time, dumbass. We were getting ready to eat without you," Rose said, as I went to hug her. "You will_ not_ touch this outfit with your sandy, salty body."

_Whatever Rose_. I thought to myself.

"Hey, Em." I nodded to Emmett, guessing that the douche behind Emmett was Edward.

"Hey, Bells, Jake's not gonna make it tonight. He got called into work, but he says he'll text later," I said. _I got your back Jake. _

Bella lowered her head and blushed. _What the fuck was that about? Is Jake right_?

"Thanks, Jazz. Hey, this is my friend Edward," she said. "Edward, this is Rosalie's brother, Jasper."

I turned around to meet the douche. _Fuck. My. Life. It's the guy from the beach! _

Trying to think of something to say, I blurted out, "Hey man, nice to meet you." As Edward reached to shake my hand, a spark of electricity shot up my arm. _What the hell? Would Rose mind if I left? Probably. _

"Yeah me too," he answered back before I ran off to take a shower.

I entered the guest bedroom stunned. _Fuck. Fuck. Fuck._ _The guy I had spent the day trying to surf out of my head is sitting with my sister in front of the house. This can't be happening. This is the guy Jake was worried about and clearly he had a right to some concern. Does this guy have an effect on everyone he meets?_

I took a shower and headed back out to the table and heard Emmett saying "Shit, I'm sorry. I just got caught up in all the excitement."

_Oh shit, Rose is pissed. I wonder what Em did now?_

"What excitement?" I asked.

"We were just going over how to fill Edward's next two weeks," Rose explained before adding, "What were you thinking Edward?"

"Actually, the only thing I can think of at the moment is that I'd like to learn how to surf," he said before turning to Emmett "…and Em pretty much listed all the stuff I'm not going to do."

_Does he know it was me he was watching surf today? Was that Bella he was on the phone with? I bet Jake would want to know._

"I'm not sure what Em mentioned, but I could help with the surfing. I'll be on the water all week, you okay with getting up early?" I asked.

"Uh, thanks man, I don't want to put you out. I was just watching some surfers on the beach earlier and it looked very serene," he said.

_Is he fucking with me? Is he saying he knows it was me or not? _

I answered honestly. "It is kinda Zen, especially in the morning, but it's also such a thrill catching that perfect wave and battling it out with nature and gravity. There are moments when everything lines up and you feel so at one with the world and God." _Why am I telling him all of this?_

"You make it seem pretty fantastic. I'm not sure it's going to be like that for me," he admitted.

"That's crazy, Edward. I've never seen a sport you haven't excelled at," Bella said touching his arm. _She touches him a lot. Jake definitely won't like that._

"Okay, I'm in. What time?" Edward asked.

"Five A-M," I answered, "Do you need board shorts or a wet suit? You're about my size."

"No, I can go and buy one."

"That's ridiculous. Thanks to Jake I have more shit than I know what to do with. I'll just pull something out," I said. _Jake's not going to like this_.

"Um okay. Thanks again, man."

"You know you're really lucky to have Jazz teaching you. Some people would consider him quite an expert," Rose said, baiting Edward to ask why.

_Really, Rose?_ "Knock it off, Rose. I'm just a guy who likes to surf," I warned.

"Yeah and gets paid a fuckload of money to do it. Not to mention all the beach bunny fans that are wasted on your sorry ass," Emmett said.

_Emmett you fucking douche, what the fuck?_ I roll my eyes and glare at him.

"What am I missing?" Edward asked.

"Jasper is a professional surfer," Bella answered.

"Really? So Jake is your teammate?"

_Does he really not know who Jake is?_

"Um, no, Jake works for Quiksilver. They're my main sponsor," I responded. "But he is a surfer,"

"Oh, that's cool. You must be friends too… because you invited him to dinner,"

_He doesn't have a clue who Jake is._ My eyes shot to Bella's as she looked nervously at Rose. _What the hell is going on? _ I raised both eyebrows at Bella.

"Jake and I are dating, Edward," she stated, "It's actually pretty serious."

"Just how serious, Bella?" Edward looked lost.

"Serious," she repeated.

"Well good, Bella. I'm happy for you," Edward said to her, looking anything but happy.

_This is awkward…_

I broke the silence. "Hey dude, why don't you take the guest room tonight. You're probably jet lagged."

"No, that's okay. But, could I crash on the floor in there?" Edward asked as Emmett shot Rose a look.

_Sometimes Emmett is such a jackass._

"No problem, I think there's a blow up mattress in the hall closet. Are you sure you don't want me to sleep on the couch?" I asked.

"Nope, let's get the mattress. I've got an early morning tomorrow."

We blew up the mattress and Edward closed the door to the bedroom. I walked into the kitchen to find Rose and Bella talking in hushed tones.

"Hey Bells, sorry about the Jake thing. I had no idea your friend didn't know about Jake."

"Jazz, it's totally my fault. I didn't tell him about Jake in the beginning because I didn't know where it was going and then I got so busy with school and he got busy with the seminary…when we did talk for short periods, it just didn't come up," she said lamely.

I shrugged. "Maybe I'm seeing your relationship with Jacob differently. I thought it was more serious than that. Isn't that guy your best friend or something?"

She just looked down and continued to dry the rest of the dinner dishes.

_I guess the conversation is over_. "Okay I'm gonna watch some TV if you don't need me," I told her. "You should call Jake, Bells."

She smiled back at me as she walked to her room, leaving me by myself to flip channels. There was nothing that held my attention, so I turned the TV off and headed to my bedroom.

I was careful not to disturb Edward, and then he sighed peacefully in his sleep. If it's true that love is in the details, God truly loved this man. He was beautiful. I couldn't believe what a privilege it was to have an unguarded moment to study him.

I smiled when I heard Alice's name fall from his mouth, then snippets of the "Our Father" I think. He was quiet for a while and then I heard it distinctly… "Bella," he whispered.

_He loves her. _

I couldn't sleep after that. I tried playing Xbox, but couldn't concentrate. Finally I just walked to the beach. Edward was Bella's and Bella was Jake's. There was no room for me in that fucked up equation. I needed to put my feelings aside and be there for Jake and Bella, just like the hundreds of times they'd been there for me. It wasn't easy leading my double life, being gay and a professional surfer didn't really go together. It's hard to know who to trust. I never knew if someone liked me for me, or because I was featured in a magazine that they read.

I was surprised when I got back to Rose's and it was 4:30am. _Hopefully getting on the water will get this shit out of my head for good._

I set out a towel and board shorts for Edward and started to get the gear in the car.

I walked in after loading the car, and was surprised he was awake. "How long is it gonna take you to get ready?"

"Give me 10?" Edward answered sleepily.

"No prob. I'll be out front waiting for you," I said.

We met up with Jake's surf pack, Embry, Quil, Tyler and Laurent. _What should I say to Jake?_

Jake caught my eye and I mouthed "Edward" behind him.

"Hey, you're Edward; Bella's been talking about you non-stop for weeks now. She's so excited you're here. Welcome, man," Jake said as he shook Edward's hand.

I could tell Jake was forcing the issue and Edward looked about the same. I sent Jake out on the water to try to separate them.

"Okay, how much do you know about surfing?" I questioned him.

"Honestly, nothing other than the compulsion to try it while watching it yesterday," he admitted. _Great, so much for getting out on the water_.

I walked him through some basic balancing skills on the sand and he actually did a great job copying my movements. He's clearly a natural athlete which would help him a lot. When it was time to get into our wetsuits, he took forever, but eventually got it.

I needed the water like I needed air at that point and ran in. I didn't look back until I heard Jake yell, "Oh look, guess Eddie can't handle a little cold water." _Fuck._

I thought I was going to have to go back to the shore when Edward started to paddle out to us. I caught three sets getting lost in the Zen of it all before I remembered he was out there.

I hassled him a bit about actually getting out on the board. He tried to get up a couple times, but didn't quite get there.

I kept an eye on him for the rest of the morning. Jake picked on him when he could and the surf pack followed Jake's lead. I started to feel sorry for him. He seemed like he really wanted to learn and Jake's taunting couldn't have been good for the ego.

_Time to go._

I caught the last wave and motioned for him to come to shore. Jake and the guys were already stripping off their gear when I saw the group of whispering girls. _Shit._

"Jake," I whispered as I nodded over to them.

They asked me if it was really me and I politely smiled and signed autographs. Edward wandered off down the beach.

After Jake got rid of the girls and took off for the office, I shot across the street to grab some coffee for Edward and me. I desperately needed caffeine from the lack of sleep the night before.

"I didn't know how you took it so if you need to doctor it, we can go back," I said to Edward as I walked up to him.

"No, it's fine" he said as he took a sip. "It's perfect."

"It's peaceful out there, isn't it?" I asked as I sat down alongside him. "I love to come out here and just think."

"It's funny, my life is so regimented that I rarely take the time to do this, but as it turns out, it's exactly what I need," he said, catching me off guard.

"Care to share?"

"Oh, I was just thinking about my sister Alice, and Bella, and where my life is now," he responded.

I flashed back to the memory of watching him sleep peacefully last night for a moment. "So just the light stuff, huh?" I smiled and nudged him on the shoulder.

I could feel that familiar warmth where my shoulder touched him and just as I started to revel in that feeling, a thought came to me — _He's thinking about Bella again._

"Hey, I'm really sorry I was the one to tell you about Jake. I really put my foot in my mouth."

_Tell me that you're into her so I can let all these feelings go._

"No worries, I'm sure she has her reasons for not telling me about him. We haven't actually talked all that much in the past six months or so," he admitted.

"How long were you guys together?" I pushed. _Let's just get this over with._

"What? Um, you have the wrong idea. Bella and I were never together like that. She's my friend and before that she was my sister best friend."

_Guys don't whisper girls names in their sleep, dude._

"Yeah, but you two seem closer than that, you've never thought about her that way?"_ What am I, Oprah? _ "You know, feel free to tell me it's none of my business."

He smiled, thank God. "No, you're easy to talk to," he responded. "We are closer, we bonded in a way I've never been able to define. She was kinda my lifeline for a while.

"It's never been like that, for me anyway. Your sister tried to set us up, but that was just awkward and I pulled away and ended up hurting Bella," he said remorsefully, looking down into the sand.

_No way, _I thought, in disbelief.

"So nothing in college, but what about high school?"

He smiled as if amused by the question. "Well, nothing there either. Neither of us dated much. I was just starting to see Jessica Stanley when my sister died and I never dated after that."

_I knew it… he's straight. Wait… never dated again?_

"Really, never again?" I asked. "That was a long time ago."

"I don't know what to tell you, maybe Bella and I would be together in a different time and place, but I've never felt that way about her or any other girl really."

My eyes locked onto his.

"When Alice died, something in me died with her, I didn't have anything to give anyone else. I found my comfort in church and God, and dedicated myself to being the best servant of God I could be. When I focus on something I can't allow for distractions. For a lot of my fellow seminarians, 'distractions' were the hardest thing to overcome on the way to becoming a priest. I just never let it enter my mind as a possibility."

I stared at him a little longer than necessary. _Holy hell, he's becoming a priest, what the fuck am I thinking about? I've got to let this go._

"Hey, you want to get breakfast?" I asked, breaking the silence.

Once I let go of the need to pigeonhole him, things between us flowed easily. The closest thing I had to a guy friend was Jake, but there was never the ease there was with Edward. We could talk about anything, and did.

I came to understand that Edward functioned better with a schedule, so we surfed every morning, went to breakfast and then just hung out in the afternoons.

Surfing was great, but I was getting sick of all the comments Jake was making about Edward's surfing skills and got into it with Jake one morning because of it.

When Edward finally caught his first wave, I was so proud. He was a natural after that; he just needed the confidence to get up on the board.

Talking at breakfast was soon becoming my favorite time of day.

He was so funny when he talked about Bella and Alice's adventures. Bella seemed so social now; it's hard to imagine her as a shy pre-teen. It's almost as if she took on a little bit of Alice's personality. Alice seemed like a kind of person I would have liked immediately.

I traded his Bella/Alice stories with Rosalie stories. We laughed for five minutes straight when I described the boy in high school who called Rose "Ro" and randomly grabbed her ass. He thought he was the shit until she smiled sweetly at him before kneeing the guy in the balls and walking over his curled up body on the hallway floor.

We talked about my parents and how our childhoods couldn't be more different. I still can't picture living in a house with fourteen brothers and sisters, Rose was more than enough for me. I actually argued that Rose equated to at least ten of his siblings and we weren't that far off anymore. He laughed, agreed with my point.

It saddened me a little to see how removed he was from his family. One minute he would talk about how great his mom Esme was, and the next he would look sad and be withdrawn talking about her.

It made more sense that he was so close to Fr. Carlisle. To hear Edward tell it, his dad was never home. It sounded like after Alice died, the kids that were still at home pretty much were left to fend for themselves. I was starting to understand that's why Bella was so important to him too. She represented Alice to him … and maybe more?

Our afternoons just hanging out, were as cool too as our breakfast talks. Jake and the guys weren't with us, so often we'd just hang at the beach and continue our breakfast conversations.

We talked about how he had never been out of the country, and I was describing Australia, New Zealand, South Africa, Indonesia, Costa Rica and all the other places I had been surfing.

When he kidded around with me and said I lived a charmed life, I think I surprised him when I admitted how lonely it was sometimes. I was constantly surrounded by handlers and fans, but it took this one man to make the loneliness more palpable.

I had already decided I had to learn to be okay with Edward becoming a priest. He was going to be a great priest; he was so easy to talk to. Once I pushed past my physical attraction to him, I really got a chance to know him and he was ten times more beautiful on the inside than he was on the outside, and that was saying a lot. I wished more than once that time could just stop and leave us to replicate the past couple of days forever. But that's not real life, not mine anyway.

We were eating lunch at Hof's Hut one day, a restaurant down the street from Rose's house, when I decided to enlist his help.

"Hey, do you want to help me make dinner tonight? I kinda volunteered since Bella and Rose have been making dinner every night," I said

"Sure, what are we making?"

I put my head down. "Well, that's kinda what I need help with or we're gonna end up ordering pizza… which is what I think they're expecting anyway."

"Oh, I see how it is," he laughed and nudged my shoulder, "I guess I owe you for the surf lessons. How about lasagna? It's easy and always a crowd pleaser. We could do garlic bread and a salad too," he suggested. _Fuck me now, he cooks, too. _

_He's gonna be a priest, he's gonna be a priest…_

"Are you kidding me? Let's go shopping!"

I kept repeating my _"He's gonna be a priest"_ mantra in my head throughout our shopping trip and dinner preparation. Everything went seamlessly as we laughed, talked and prepared dinner. Thank God for bagged salad and pre-made garlic bread because that was my part.

I was overwhelmed by the ease and contentment I had been feeling in the last couple of days. As we sat down for dinner, I knew I couldn't make a toast to Edward, but I wanted to say something.

"To Alice, for bringing us all together; I'm sorry I never got a chance to know her, but I'm sure grateful to her."

"To Alice," everyone responded. I couldn't look at Edward right away for fear of giving my feelings away.

Bella caught my eye and mouthed "Thank You" as I smiled back at her.

Jake looked like he had had as much of this chick moment as he could stand. "So Eddie, Bella tells me you've got a bucket list of things to go through before taking the final plunge. What's on the list?" He asked.

"I don't know, it's actually Bella's list, I just wanted to learn how to surf," he answered stiffly.

I looked to Emmett and widened my eyes, silently asking him to do something.

"Well hell, its Friday night, let's all go down to Second Street," Em said, effectively diffusing the conversation.

It had been a perfect night, but the thought of watching Edward and Jake fight over Bella made me sick. _Fuck._

We decided to walk to one of Em's favorite hangout bars, AI.

"Hey Eddie, do they let you play pool in church school?" _Are you fucking kidding me, Jake?_

"No one has stopped me so far," Edward answered looking over to Bella.

"Doubles then? Jazz and you against me and Em?" Jake continued.

Edward looked at me. "Playing? It's either you or Bella." Jake didn't miss the jab and I was getting pissed. _Is he really asking me to choose between myself and Bella as a partner for him? Fuck that. _

I was about to tell him to choose Bella when I decided I didn't want to have to watch Jake and Edward fight over her playing pool.

"I'll play if Bella and Rose will get the beer. Girls get served in here much faster." _Please let this be over soon_. "We break."

Edward broke and damn if he didn't clear the table. "Sometimes it's good to have God on your side," he said cockily.

I stared at him. _Is he fucking kidding me? Could one or the both of you just fucking piss all over her and get this over with?_ He had the balls to raise his glass at me. _Can I just wrap her in a big red bow for you, asshole?_

I was done with everything, there was nothing left to do but drown my sorrows, so I pounded beer after beer, smiling my fake smile. I was so pissed and unhappy that when some fucker hit on my sister I lunged at him. I knew she could handle herself, but I wanted an excuse to hit someone or something.

The bouncer walked over and made his presence know, stopping the fight before it started and we left to go home. _What a fucked night_. I went straight to the bedroom while Edward stayed up talking to Bella and Jake. _He probably wants to make sure Jake goes home. Fucker. _

I stripped down to my boxer briefs and plopped down on the bed staring at the ceiling trying to figure out how I could leave. _It's not like I couldn't afford a hotel_. When I heard the door opening, I closed my eyes like I was sleeping because I definitely would hit someone if he wanted to talk to me about Bella tonight.

I could feel his eyes on me, and there was electricity in the room. _What the hell, was Edward Masen just checking me out? _He must have taken a shower because I could smell the soap on him. My dick twitched. _Fuck._ I rolled over so he wouldn't see how hard he was making me.

I waited until he was asleep and headed out to the beach to think. All night the thought of Edward checking me out reverberated through my thoughts. I wished I knew what it meant. I didn't want our friendship to change. It had been damn near perfect until tonight when he and Jake went at it over Bella. I don't know when it happened in the past week, but somewhere along the line I grew to need his friendship, he was becoming a part of me and I was living a lie_. I have to tell him I'm gay. I have to tell him I have feelings for him._ _Fuck._

Five o'clock came fast and my heart just wasn't in surfing. Jake didn't go this morning, thank god, because I definitely wasn't up for round two, or five or whatever the fuck it was, over Bella. _Wait until Edward finds out tonight's date night. _

When we got back to Rose's, I crashed claiming a bad hangover, and slept the afternoon away. It was a little ironic then that Bella picked the movie "Hangover". I knew Bells wanted to loosen Edward up a bit, and this movie was hilarious so I watched it for the fourth time.

I could hear Edward laughing and I could feel him watching me for my reaction, but I refused to look at him. I was trying to figure out how to tell him about me being gay, but my mind kept drifting to him watching me last night and now tonight as well. I couldn't get the words right in my head and this was important. _Shit, I can't tell him tonight, maybe tomorrow..._

The movie ended and I needed some space. "I don't know what's up with me, but I think I'm gonna crash early," I said. "I don't usually surf on Sundays, is that all right?" I did sometimes, but I didn't have the heart to do it tomorrow.

"Yeah, absolutely. Gonna sleep in, huh?" he teased.

_How have we never talked about this?_

"No, actually I go to church on Sundays, no matter where I am."

His eyes locked to mine making my knees go weak.

"How have we never talked about religion? You go to church?" he inquired.

I smiled and leaned against the bedroom door frame, "Alter boy from fourth grade on."

"Me too." He smirked.

And just like that, our friendship was back to normal. We traded mass stories for the next couple of hours. I laughed so hard when he told me that his job in sixth grade was to stay close to Fr. Tim and nudge him because he tended to nod off.

I could tell Edward was getting tired. He yawned and said, "We have so much in common Jazz. It's been a long time that I've felt like I could tell someone anything. I'm glad we're friends."

As soon as he reached over and touched my shoulder, I felt the energy change_. _

_He's gonna be a priest, He's gonna be a priest…_

What he said finally registered what with me … "he could tell me anything." _I need to tell him_. I pulled back as his hand fell from my shoulder and I took a deep breath.

"Edward, I have something to tell you. I didn't tell you before because it didn't matter, but now I think you should know.

"Edward, I'm gayand I'm starting to have feelings for you. I know you're going to be a priest, which is making it worse for me honestly. You are the most amazing guy I've ever met and I have to say a big part of the way I feel about you is the pure way you love God."

I stared at him. _Fuck, I made him uncomfortable, I'm such a douche._

After a long silence he said, "Jazz, you being gay isn't an issue for me. You're the same guy you were yesterday at dinner, the same one that taught me to surf and the same one who laughed with me through that movie we're both gonna have to go to confession over."

He put his hand on my shoulder and said he was going to take a walk. I watched him leave and was left with my thoughts. I couldn't get over how he ended up comforting me. I guess his seminary training kicked in.

My head was too full of unanswered questions and unresolved feelings for me to think I could go to bed now. I grabbed my keys and headed to the one place that actually made sense.

I was surprised to find Edward in the same spot I had occupied for two nights. He was on the phone. I didn't mean to overhear, but I couldn't move my feet either.

"…Father, I've never been attracted to another person, I don't know how to deal with this," he said into the cell phone.

_Please mean me. Please mean me._

"I don't know Father, I'm so confused," he cried.

My body lurched forward involuntarily. I wanted to comfort him so badly.

He was listening to whatever I assumed Fr. Carlisle was saying_. I hope Fr. Carlisle can help him. I don't want him to hurt for any reason._

He started wrapping up the conversation.

_Shit, he knows I'm here._

"Hey," I said quietly.

"Hey."

"Look I know I threw a lot out at you tonight and I'm really sorry. I've never felt like this before. I am so drawn to you and it's like there this electricity between us" I told him over the sounds of the ocean.

"I'm a little overwhelmed by all this too, Jazz," he said, turning to the side to look at me as I sat down in the sand next to him. "My life has been on one track since college, really since Alice died. I've never allowed myself to feel anything for anyone, but I can't seem to stop my feelings for you, let alone reconcile what the church would have to say about the feelings I'm having."

I tried to process what he had just said to me. _He has feelings for me_. I smiled introspectively and put my hand over his. I had no words to give back, so I just sat there with him in my thinking spot, sharing my ocean with him.

We sat in comfortable silence until he turned to me and placed his forehead on mine. "I don't know where to go with this, I'm scared Jazz."

I kissed his lips gently to let him know it was going to be okay, hoping that he understood that I would never hurt him and that he, that this thing between us- was important to me.

Everything flipped when he pulled me closer, groaning in my mouth. That sound went to my heart and dick at the same time. The kiss quickly morphed from comfort to raw lust as my tongue sought entrance into his mouth. I attacked his mouth with fervor and passion until a little voice in my head told me to stop.

He gasped at our separation, but I needed to know something before I put my heart on the line any more than it already was.

"Edward, I need you to know, I care about you more than I've ever cared about anyone else. So know this question is coming from a good place in my heart…" I stopped to catch my breath since I was still breathing heavily. "Are you sure? Because I really want this."

I watched his chest heave with deep breaths as he tried to compose his answer. "I don't know a whole lot right now, but I can tell you I've never felt like I felt a minute ago. Jazz, I felt that tingle too. I didn't know what it was and I tried to ignore it, but it never went away. I still feel it even now and the thought of it going away scares me more than anything."

My heart felt like it was going to burst out of my chest. I turned my head and ran my nose along his jaw line to breathe in all of his gentle goodness and raw honesty, wanting to extend this moment as long as I could. I was afraid to believe this was real and what it might mean and what it might not.

I needed assurances only his eyes could offer, so reluctantly I pulled back to see him as I continued my reverent explorations of his arms and hands. _He is so beautiful._

As much as I wanted to look in his eyes forever, my eyes involuntarily closed as his fingers traced my face and jaw line. I felt his breath before his lips, but as soon as they touched mine, I responded with the same gentleness I saw in his soul.

"I have a confession," I said shyly. "I saw you watching me the other night. I don't think I would have ever had the courage to talk to you tonight if I hadn't."

I wanted to stay in that moment forever, but I could see Edward's eyes grow weary and tired. This was a big night for both of us, but much more so for him.

"It's time to go back in," I said and as he grabbed my hand to get up.

I didn't let go of his hand as we walked back, not wanting to drop the connection that still made it hard for me to breathe. I hesitated at the door, wondering if I was going to need the hide-a-key when I heard the TV on. I hated the idea of this bubble bursting, but I opened the door anyway.

I was surprised and yet not surprised to see Bella waiting for us. _Could she know?_

"Hey, night owls. I was kinda worried about you. I was getting ready to call since you didn't text me back," she said to Edward.

He looked apologetically at her and said, "I'm sorry I didn't hear it, we were down at the beach talking."

It felt like a knife going through my heart. _He's backtracking. I can't watch this._

"Good night you two," I said quietly.

I stayed up for another two hours waiting for him_. Is he telling her about me? Will she fight for him? Would he choose her over me?_ I couldn't wait another second as the questions were banging around my head like a pinball in a pinball game.

When I opened the door, I found my angelic man sleeping with his head on Bella's lap and her hands in his hair. I felt nauseous and dizzy. _How could he choose her after all we had found in each other tonight? Fuck._

I needed to get out of here, this was all too much. I turned around to head back to the bedroom when I heard his beautiful voice whisper in his sleep, "Jazz."

I finally dozed off and must have gotten a couple of hours sleep because my cell phone alarm went off for the 9 a.m. mass. I walked out to wake up Edward and couldn't do it. Bella must have gone to her room because it was just Edward on the couch.

I took a shower and decided to wake him up for the 10:30 mass. Ten o'clock came and went and he was still sleeping peacefully. I just didn't have the heart to rouse him, so at 11:30, I text him that I couldn't wait any longer and headed off to mass.

The sun streamed through the stained glass windows of the church, as I sat quietly, contemplating everything that had happened in the last week. I allowed myself to get lost in the readings of the Old Testament and then the New. I went through the communion line with thoughts of Edward and what this all must mean to him. _He is so good and kind._

I couldn't tell if it was my thoughts or whether he was actually there, but I _felt_ him. Unable to help myself, I turned around and looked at the line of people walking up to communion.

I couldn't help the huge smile on my face when I saw him. As soon as the last person in line passed my pew, I walked to the back so that I could follow him to his. He walked up and just stood alongside me, brushing my arm in a way that made knees weak for a moment.

We spent the rest day of the hanging out with the gang. Rose kicked all of our asses at Wii Resort.

I couldn't find enough excuses to touch Edward — passing him the game controller, reaching in the chip bowl, or getting him a bottle of water. By the time dinner rolled around, I was a ball of want. I touched his fingers passing the food and wine, each time growing more lustful.

I finally couldn't take it anymore and said goodnight before the proof of my desire was evident to everyone. I excused myself and headed to the shower for some relief.

Edward had left his shampoo in the shower and I covered myself in his scent. I poured some extra conditioner in my hand and slid my hand along my hardened cock. I closed my eyes and thought about his kisses and touches from last night and how glorious it would be to have his long fingers wrapped around me. The moment I imagined his mouth wrapped around my cock I exploded against the shower door.

I got out of the shower and pulled on my plaid pajama pants. I plopped down on the bed and tried to catch up with the rest of the surf world, even though all the shit in the surfing mags I had was months old.

I heard the door open and saw Edward lock the bedroom door. _Hmmmmmm …_

"Hey, sit down and talk to me?" I patted the side of the bed closest to the door.

He laid down facing me with one hand on his head and the other holding mine tentatively. "We didn't get to talk much after church, but I want to figure this out with you, Jazz."

I couldn't take my eyes off Edward as I allowed my hand to trace up the sculpted muscles of his arm, over his shoulders, then down across his pecs and over his abs. _He fucking groaned_. The sound went right to my cock.

My eyes rolled into the back of my head as his hands performed their own exploration of my body. I arched involuntarily towards him as visions of my recent shower fantasy flashed through my head.

I came at him like a freight train, I was done being with gentle, my need for him consumed with me. Our kisses escalated as we ground into each other in desperation. Somewhere in the fog of desire I realized that we're getting down right vocal and that I needed to be gentler with him, so I pulled away and placed my iPod on the alarm clock.

He apologized shyly.

I swallowed at the innocence and mortification I saw in his eyes. _No!_ "Hey don't ever be sorry for that, you're amazing, but this is intense and I don't want to step over the line with you. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to stop."

"Jazz, I don't want you to stop." _Fuuuuuuck._

"Edward, do you know what you're saying?" I can barely get the words out.

He nodded and kissed me. "Show me how to love you."

I looked him straight in the eyes and saw nothing but adoration and need. I hesitantly guided his hand from my chest to my rock hard cock as our fingers linked together to stroke it. Edward's hands disentangled from my own as he pulled down my pajama pants.

He fondled and caressed me as I got lost in the ecstasy of his touch, and I came hard and fast all over his long fingers. I had never understood when people said they saw stars. _I saw fucking stars._

I looked at him in amazement at what he had just given me. Our kisses escalated as I was quickly reminded that he hadn't gotten his release yet.

Desire ripped through me as I carefully tugged at his pajama pants, giving him an out if this was as far as he was willing to go.

_Please_ _let me show you how I can love you, Edward, _I silently begged.

He simply watched me in silent assent. When I touched him he jerked forward. _This is new to him, take it easy._

"Let me worship you the way I've been dreaming about since the first night I met you," I said.

His eyes widened slightly and he swallowed. I traced my fingers over every inch of him and followed with my tongue and kisses. I knew every part of him was on fire the way I wanted it to be, but stopped to make sure it was okay to continue.

"Please, Jazz."

I kissed him hard and our tongues danced around each other as I placed my hand on his gorgeous cock. I stroked him as I trailed kisses along his collarbone and chest. I replaced my hand with my tongue and my mouth. He shuddered as I held onto his thin hips and took him to the back of my throat. I looked up at him as he looked down at me, trying to show him what this meant to me. I closed my eyes to concentrate on pleasing him.

"Jazz, I'm close." He tried to pull away, but I would have none of that. I took him impossibly deeper and hummed while stroking his balls as he came over and over in the back of my throat. I swallowed everything he gave me and cleaned him with my tongue.

He curled up alongside me and for the first time since I met him, I slept the whole night.

**A/N Did Jasper's POV answer some of your questions? I'm a big fan of regularly updated fics, so I'm planning on every two weeks.**

**Since I'm not above begging or pimping myself out, please review and if you do, I'll send a teaser for every review I get. **

**I read a lot of Slash now (please send me your favs) Over The Top by Starfish422, truly made me think that slash is beautiful, and that I better do this right. If you haven't read it – go read it. NOW! **


	3. Chapter 3 Man Meat

**A/N So many people to thank. First of all, special love to OCDJen for the rec on The Major's Army. She is an author I truly admire, which makes it extra special. Thanks to my amazing PTB betas for this chapter, Danielle and Sobhian. Also to my super hot pre-readers, ****carrottop81690, Cherbella and ****Loca37. You all ROCK my world.**

**Disclaimer:** Oh, what tangled webs we weave when we twist Stephanie Meyers' characters into things that please (me at least, I LOVE these boys!)

**Chatper 3 Man Meat**

**EPOV**

In that moment between sleep and lucidity, I felt peace, warmth and complete contentment-it was perfection. As soon as I felt something shifting next to me, my eyes shot open.

_This. Was. Not. A. Dream._

_What have I done?_ The events of last night crashed through my head like a tornado.

I had thrown myself at Jasper. _What was I thinking?_. I can barely wrap my head around my attraction for him, let alone deal with all we did last night.

_I touched him… I made him cum_.

I could barely make myself cum half the time without 1 Corinthians 6:18 reverberating in my brain. _"Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body." _That kills it for me every time.

_Jasper put his mouth on me. _My eyes rolled back of my head as my erection hardened at the memory.

_Dear God, what have I done? _ I exhaled deeply as I ran my fingers through my hair.

_This wasn't me. I lived by rules, rules that made sense in a crazy world. I chose the seminary, I love God, I want to serve God. I chose to be servant of God… and now I'm a deviant. A lust_-d_runk deviant._

I'd been in a perpetual state of confusion since I met Jasper, and last night I offered something that wasn't mine to offer_. What was I thinking?_ I wanted to cry.

It was bad enough to have lustful thoughts, towards a MAN no less, but acting on them after I have committed my life to serving God as a priest is heinous. I am disgusting_. What would Alice think of me now? _

My stomach churned.

I looked down at Jasper sleeping peacefully. He was the innocent one in all this. He offered to teach me to surf. He became my friend. He was honest with his feelings. He told me how he felt without pressuring me.

_I was the fraud. _

_I didn't deserve him or the trust of the church. _

I didn't know what I was going to do about Jazz, or my complicated feelings for him, but I did know what I needed to do with God.

I needed to go to Church. Now.

I slipped out of bed and turned off the alarm so Jazz could keep sleeping. I padded down the hallway to the bathroom. I turned on the water to the hottest setting, and allowed the humid air to steam up the mirror as I eased under the burning water. The steam made the air thick and heavy, which seemed apropos for my mood. The heated water eased my muscles, but couldn't cleanse my soul. I made quick work of the shower, got dressed and headed to St. Matthews.

Dawn was just breaking as I walked to Church. I was three blocks from Bella's when I realized I'd left my phone on the nightstand.

I arrived at Church half an hour early and slid into a pew.

Heavyhearted, I eased into my morning routine of prayers, which were all but forgotten last week. I grew calmer as the repetitive words brought me back to that connection with God. When nothing else made sense, God always did. I felt like I could breathe again.

"Edward, is that you?"

I turned to see Fr. Ken walking up the center aisle.

I gave him a strained smile. "Hi, Father."

"You can call me Ken, you know?"

I gave him a full smile this time. "I know it would be okay, but I don't think I can, Father. I still call my parents' friends Mr. and Mrs. It's just not in me."

He smiled back. "Okay, but you're making me feel old, Edward. How have you been? I saw you briefly on Sunday, but frankly, I've been a little surprised I haven't seen more of you. Didn't you get here last week?"

I looked down, swallowed and looked up again. "Yeah, I've been spending time with Bella and learning how to surf." I could feel my face redden.

He put his hand on my shoulder and squeezed gently. "That's great, Edward. Take this time. Soon enough your time won't be your own anymore.

"How is Bella? She organizes the Teen Safe Driving program every spring, so I guess I should call her and see if she has any new ideas for next year."

I grinned. Of course Bella ran the Teen Safe Driving Program_. Alice._

"She's great, Father. She's finishing up her classes and is getting ready to graduate. We were just talking about you at Schooner or Later last week at lunch. Ask her about it when you call her." _Because if I'm going to hell…_

"Anyway, it looks like it's time to get this show on the road." I looked around to see an elderly couple enter the Church. "Would you like to do a reading, Edward?"

"No thank you, Father. When I'm speaking the word of God, I tend to concentrate on how to make it relevant to the parishioners, and this morning I think I just need to hear it. "

"I understand. I'll try to make it relevant to you then." Fr. Ken said with a wink.

I allowed the Mass to completely take over my thought process and got lost in the comforting routine. It had always been my solace.

Something seemed to be missing this morning though, as my mind started to wander after the first testament reading. Thoughts of running to the twelve o'clock Mass yesterday crept in. I hadn't been late for Mass since high school.

_Just one more thing to atone for, I guess._

I realized I was sitting in the exact same spot I found Jasper sitting in yesterday.

Before I allowed myself to question that, I pushed all thoughts of my outside life away and concentrated on the Mass. I owed God everything, the least of which was my full attention.

**JPOV**

I woke up to Edward's musky smell on my pillow. _Best night's sleep, ever._

I smiled. _Last night was amazing_.

I had been with a lot of guys in my time, but none of them had ever affected me like Edward did. Mutual gratification is one thing, but last night was so much more. I had been ready to take it slow, but when he said, "Show me how to love you," I was done for.

His body was a work of art and the way he responded to me… hmmmm, I was hard just thinking about it.

I looked over at the clock and realized Edward had turned off the alarm. It was time to go surfing.

_He must be taking a shower, I wonder what he would think if I joined him? Too soon, horndog._

I shuffled down the hallway and knocked on the bathroom door.

"Hurry up, sleepy-head; we're already late to get on the water." I said, as I grabbed my wetsuit out of the hall closet. "I'll load up the truck."

I threw the board shorts he'd worn last week on the edge of the bed, waiting for him to get out of the bathroom when a sleepy Emmett knocked on my door.

"What the fuck are you doing up so early, man?"

"I had to pee and Rose was in the bathroom. "

"Well you'll have to wait because Edward's in the one in the hall."

"Um, yeah, no he's not. That was me," He said, as he yawned. "I'm going back to bed. I can't believe you wake up this fucking early every morning."

I felt like I was punched in the gut. _Where the hell is Edward?_

Without trying to panic too much, I looked all over the apartment for him. I even eased Bella's door open a finger-width to find her sleeping alone.

_Thank God for that at least. Seeing him curled up with Bella two nights ago was hard enough_.

I went back into our room to regroup. _He's probably at our spot on the beach._

I texted him, to check on him and was startled when I heard his phone buzzing on the bedside table.

_Shit._

I wasn't sure whether or not to give him his space or not. He knew we were surfing this morning. _Maybe he's just waiting down at the water for me._

I walked down there, only to find the beach empty.

_Fuck me, he's really gone…_

I walked the shoreline a mile each way hoping that I would find him.

_I had gotten last night all wrong. _

I knew better. I kept going over the events of the last two days trying to figure out how I blew it.

_Hell, there were too many instances to count. _

I pushed him too hard. _He's gonna be a priest for fuck's sake_.

_How can he be a priest and kiss me like that? Shit. Shit. Shit._

I took a deep breath and went back to Rose's apartment. I sat on the couch, flipping channels, unable to concentrate on anything, just hoping he was okay, where ever he was.

Edward finally walked into the apartment about nine-thirty in the morning. At least he had the decency to look embarrassed.

I didn't even let him speak.

"Are you okay?"

He nodded.

"Okay, I'm going surfing. I missed it this morning."

"Oh crap, Jazz, I'm sorry, I…"

I cut him off by putting my hand up and shook my head. I walked out. I was halfway to the truck before I turned back to the screen door.

"Bye, Edward. I didn't want to leave without saying goodbye. There's been too much of that today."

It was unnecessary and perhaps a little spiteful, but I couldn't find it in me to give a shit at the time.

_This is exactly why I don't put my heart on the line._

I surfed for the rest of the day, each set crappier than the last. I couldn't get in my groove, and I couldn't let go of everything that had happened.

When it was time to come in, I wasn't ready to face Edward yet.

After I had cleaned up and stowed the surfboard on my Thule rack I decided to call Jake.

"Hey dude, whatcha doin'?"

"Hey brother, I'm actually looking at your competition schedule and making sure all the promotional events correspond… so nothing much." I could hear the smile in his voice.

"Wanna get a beer?"

"Hell yeah, dude. Where, AI again?"

I thought back to the night we all played pool. "No, let's go to Mother's in Sunset Beach… You know what? Fuck beer, you hungry? Let's go to eat sushi. I'm buying."

"You don't have to ask me twice. I'll meet you there."

I called Rose to tell her not to expect me for dinner and drove to Mahe's Seafood.

We didn't have to wait too long for a table, but we talked to the owner, Toby, while we waited.

After ordering a bottle of sake, we eased into conversation. Jake was one of my closest friends, or as close as I ever let anyone get, anyway.

"So, is Edward getting up any better?"

I choked. "Whaaaat?"

"How's his surfing? He has to be getting better by now.

"I'm sorry, I know you guys are becoming friends and all, but he still bugs the shit out of me. Frankly, dude, this charity thing of yours has got to end. You've got some serious competitions coming up, and Long Beach is not the best place to practice."

"When have I ever let you down in competition season, or any other time, asshole?" I challenged, cocking an eyebrow.

"Yeah, well, I need you on your game, and you can't say you haven't been distracted running your fucked up surfing school for almost-priests."

_Watch it, Jake._

"You do realize that's your girl's best friend you're talking about, right?"

"Well that's just it! He's fucking with everything in my life. I'm surprised he hasn't applied at Quiksilver yet!"

"Now you're just whining like a bitch, dude. Bella loves you, you know that."

"Whatever, I'll just be glad when he's gone. I'm ready for life to get back to normal. Bella's different when he's here. Hell, you are too, and you've only known him a week. What the fuck do you guys see in that pretentious ass?"

"He's a good guy, Jake." I answered truthfully.

"I hear you, man, but he's fucking with my existence and I'm done with it."

The conversation seemed to end so I took the opportunity to order bottle of sake. We managed to go through yet another during dinner. The conversation revolved around safe subjects like surfing and video games.

As the evening wore on, I realized I was smashed, and so was Jake.

_Edward could kiss both of our asses!_ _Going out with Jake was a frickin' brilliant idea._

"Let's call Emmett and go play pool."

"Nah, Jazz, I'm gonna call Bella. I gotta talk to my girl."

"Fuck Bella, let's go ooooout," I whined.

"Nope, we need a driver. Neither one of us is gonna drive. I'll call Bells."

I rolled my eyes as he called Rose's house. I heard Emmett answer the phone.

"Emmmmetttt, get your ass over to Mahe's!" I yelled drunkenly over the table, causing a restaurant of people to look over at our table.

"Shut up, Jazz!" Jake warned me before continuing talking to Emmett. "Hey, Em, is Bells there? … Oh, she's out with Edward? … Uh huh, yeah, we kinda need a ride. … Nope, just me and Jazz. … No need to bring Rose. We'd have to leave a car here anyway … Yeah, okay, see you soon. Thanks, man."

_So Edward's out with Bella. Figures. I need another drink._

I threw a couple hundred dollars on the table, figuring that would cover the bill, and talked over to the bar. I'm sure Jake thought I was heading out front to wait for Emmett, but whatever. He could follow me.

"Two shots of Patron, silver, chilled," I ordered.

Jake came up behind me. "What the hell, dude?"

I shrug my shoulders. "Em's not gonna be here for a couple of minutes and we're not driving…"

"I'm not mixing sake and tequila."

"Your loss." I threw back both shots in quick succession and was about to order more when I saw a hot pair of eyes checking me out at the end of the bar. I nodded at him and smiled.

He started walking over.

Jake saw him coming towards us. "Hey dude, I'm gonna wait for Em out front."

"Okay, I'll be out in a minute." We had an unspoken rule. He knew I was gay and was cool with it, but he generally didn't stick around while I was hooking up.

"Whatever, dude."

The sun bleached blonde god walked up. "Hey, don't I know you from somewhere?"

I smiled my sexy, flirty smile. "You're going to have to do better than that." I challenged, tilting my head.

He chuckled and then blushed. _Edward blushes like that…_

"No, really. Weren't you at 'The Jungle' in LA a couple of months ago? I never forget a face, at least not a gorgeous one, that is."

I smirked. _So easy._

"No, couldn't have been me." I stated.

He looked at me dejectedly. _Come closer said the spider to the fly._

"I haven't been there in at least a year. I have been there though, but I definitely didn't see you there. Because if I did, you would have gone home with me and we wouldn't be going through these mundane questions. You'd just be remembering the night I rocked your world."

His eyes widened minutely and I heard him mutter, "Fuuuuck," as he swallowed nervously.

"Jazz, he's here." Jake yelled from the bar door.

I nodded at Jake.

"Well, it looks like I gotta go. See ya around." I smirked.

"Your boyfriend is a lucky guy… Jazz."

"Him? He's not my boyfriend, but you're right, he would be, if he was. Bye, handsome." I winked and walked away.

I walked out the door smirking, knowing his eyes were staring at my ass, wishing he was leaving with me.

_I forgot how fun it was to be a cocky son of a bitch. _

Em dropped off Jacob at his place and then brought us back to Rose's house.

"Hey, baby brother, have fun tonight?" Rose asked teasingly, cocking a bitch brow.

"Yep, Jake and I got our drunk on at Mahe's. I had a shit-ton of sake and a couple of shots of Patron. You missed it." I slurred.

"Jazzy here was in fine form tonight, babe. When I pulled up in front, Jasper had this guy cornered. Looks like the old Jazz came out to play." Emmett explained to her.

"No shit!" She exclaimed with wide eyes. "Damn, I knew I should have gone with you, Em. I would have loved to call Jasper out and tell him our kids were waiting in the car or something!"

"Fuck, Rose we're not in the south, where my sister can be my girlfriend, even IF I leaned that way," I snorted.

"Was he hot?" She looked to Em.

"Shit babe, he was a guy, and Jasper was leaning into him. That's all I know. Don't ask me what he was wearing or the color of his fucking eyes. I don't check that shit out." Emmett answered quickly.

"So, was he cute?"

I just smiled.

"Okay, tight lips, what happened to giving up that 'empty existence' of random, but frequent man meat?"

"Man meat? Really Rose?"

"Whatever you want to call him - Hot Cock, Boy Toy, Twink… If I remember right, you were 'done' with all that."

I just shrugged my shoulders. I wasn't going to explain anything and there was really nothing to explain.

"I'm going to bed. Good night you guys. Thanks for picking me up, Em. If I haven't told you lately, I love ya, Rose. You're the best. Thanks for making me laugh."

I walked into the bedroom. I was shocked to see Edward on the blowup mattress.

He looked sick. "Good night, Jazz. I didn't want to make the same mistake I did this morning, so I stayed up and waited for you. I'll see you in the morning." He turned away from me and curled up in the fetal position.

_Shit._

The club Jasper went to in his adventuresome days, The Jungle, is from another fic, aptly named, 'Jungle' by Dilmn8 - It's a vamp slash fic that I've been enjoying. Dilmn8 was so sweet to allow me to steal his club. We'll be seeing again later in the storyline!

Thanks for reading! I love you HARD! Reviews will get a teaser for Chapter 4 (It's already written!) I'm going to do my best to reply to your reviews right away, however I'm vacationing in Yosemite 6/27/10- 7/1/10.

xoxox


	4. Chapter 4 There Is No Bad Guy Here

**A/N **I want to thank my betas for this chapter, siobhan'x and Sweetishbubble. Siobhan'x has agreed to be my permanent beta (pray for her) and I am so lucky to have her. I got some great feedback from my pre-readers carrottop81690, kirifox, Loca37, but special love goes out to CherBella who continues to make me better.

I'm updating a day early (thanks to ChefJayla), but every other Friday I should post new chapters.

**Disclaimer:** Oh, what tangled webs we weave when we twist Stephanie Meyers' characters into things that please (me. I LOVE these boys!)

**Chapter ****4 There's No Bad Guy Here**

**EPOV**

After Jazz left to go surfing this morning I felt terrible. I spent most of the day in our room, waiting for him to come back, hoping for him to come back, afraid for him to come back.

I didn't even think about surfing when I turned off the alarm this morning to let him sleep. I just freaked out and went to my safe place, but in reality I left him. I left him after we…

_I don't think I could have been crueler if I tried. I am a selfish jerk. _

I wasn't sure what last night meant exactly, but I knew it meant different things to him than it did to me. Last night was everything wonderful and wrong wrapped up into one screwed-up package.

I think I finally got it, what all the other seminarians described as the hardest part to give to God. The feelings I had for Jasper were _everything_. It's not just my desire for Jasper; it's the way he makes me feel when I'm with him. He made me feel like me, but more.

_I'm always pushing to be better, I don't know why. Maybe to stand out? Being the thirteenth of anything tended to set you up for a life of living under the radar and I was never okay with that. _

_Growing up, I wasn't just competing with guys on another team. I had the weight of six older brothers who were better and never failed to remind me of that. Alice always understood what it was like because she had our sisters to compete with. I chose school and sports to excel at while she had her personality and social engagements. I never felt that need to push myself with her, she knew who I was and loved me for it. _

_Bella was the same way. She never had that sibling rivalry like we Masens embraced. She just took what she got. Looking back, maybe I should have felt jealous of Bella when she came into our lives, but I never did. She fit perfectly into Alice's life and - by extension - mine too. When all of us were together, we just were. There was no Edward the star ball player, Bella the girl whose mother died or Alice the ASB President and Cheerleader_. _It was just Edward, Alice and Bella._

_When Alice died, Bella and I clung to each other for dear life. We were each others sanity, best friends, and dates to social functions. We were each others everything, everything except that. _

_I knew what other people assumed about us, and it just didn't matter. No one else understood what bonded Bella and me together. No one else knew the depth of our love and devotion to Alice and each other by extension. _

_The days, months and years after Alice died, Bella changed. She took on more "Alice-ness" in her personality. Bella never became ASB President or a cheerleader, but was definitely more outgoing. I would often see her doing Alice-type things and knew exactly why she was doing them, even when she didn't. _

To everyone else, we were perfectly matched, the super star and the social butterfly. But to us, we were just Edward and Bella minus Alice. It was easy to let people see what they wanted to see, neither one of us cared what other people thought of us.

I didn't know if it was because I slipped unconsciously into my Bella frame of mind, but it was like that for me with Jasper last week. Don't get me wrong, I was determined to master surfing, especially with Jake mouthing off, but it wasn't such a concern with Jazz. It was more that I wanted to see what he saw in is surfing and feel what he felt about it. I wanted to share it with him, not prove anything to him.

_Jacob was a different matter altogether. _

I kept thinking about everything all afternoon, prayed for guidance. I was as confused as ever when Rose said we could eat dinner because Jasper was going out.

I knew he was staying away to avoid me, and I can't say I blamed him. I was a jerk. I wouldn't want to talk to me either.

Dinner was very subdued. I knew there was conversation going on around me, I just wasn't listening.

"Edward!" Emmett snapped his fingers in front of my face. I looked up at him.

"I said, late night with the ladies, Eddie?"

Bella and I both asked, "What?"

Emmett explained, "I had to go pee at the butt crack of the morning and Rose was in her bathroom, so I used the one in the hall. Jasper banged on the door telling me to hurry because 'we were late to get on the water'. He was sure surprised when I told him it was me and not you in the bathroom. Dude, it was still dark. I know I watched you go to bed the night before. Whatcha do? Sneak out for a little vay-cay lovin'?" He asked, looking at me like I was 10 and I had just hit my first baseball over the outfield wall.

I shook my head, and raised my eyebrows in disbelief. "Really, Em?"

"Come on, dude. You can tell me. I'm not in the game anymore, but I'm a fuckin' rockstar of a wingman. I will set. You. Up!"

"Em, I got up early to go to Church." I chuckled, and then added seriously, "I just forgot to tell Jasper and I feel really bad about it."

"Whatever, he'll survive. Poor guy. He's got a tough fuckin' life between photo shoots, new fuckin' clothes all the time, beach bunnies and surfing at the beach a day." Em said sarcastically, winking at me, before Rosalie smacked him in the back of the head NCIS style.

Dinner was great, but Jasper's absence was like a shadow in our conversation. It just wasn't the same. I couldn't help wondering what he was doing. But then I reminded myself, it wasn't my place to wonder. I committed myself to the Church and that's where my thoughts and energies should lie.

"Hey, stranger." Bella nudged my shoulder while we were clearing the dishes from the table.

"Hey." I smiled.

"I miss you. You've been surfing with Jasper all week, and then when you come back at the end of the day you're wiped. I was really hoping for some Bella and Edward time, like the old days."

I smiled at her sadly. "I miss you too."

At that moment I wanted to tell her everything. That I was overwhelmed by my feelings for Jasper, and that my heart was breaking over my internal conflict with the Church. Bu t most of all I wanted to tell her about how tired I was. That no matter how hard I pushed to be the best student, best friend, best priest, best everything, something inside me was missing. I was exhausted and sad. I was so worn-out from constantly pushing and being _on_ all the time.

But I didn't. I just hugged her. And, for a moment, I wasn't so sad. For a moment, it was just Bella and Edward.

Bella pulled away from the hug first. "You've been in this house all day. Want to go catch a movie? We can eat popcorn till we puke," she added, smiling.

"Sure, let's go."

The movie Bella and I went to sucked, but it was nice to just hang out with her. We were simple, and I needed simple in my life. We walked around the shops surrounding the theater and laughed about everything and nothing. It was nice.

Bella had a morning class so we got home relatively early. She went right to bed and I went back into the guest bedroom and tried to put my thoughts together so that when Jasper came home we could talk.

I heard Emmett in the kitchen and was about to go out and see if he wanted to play a video game or something when I heard Rose and Jasper's voice.

_Apparently Jasper went out with that jerk-off, Jake. _

Shouldn't have listened, but I did. I was literally unable to pull myself away from the door.

Parts of the conversation hit me like a prize fighter in a ring throwing punches.

_The "old" Jazz came out to play. _

_Jasper had some guy cornered at the bar._

_He was hot._

_Man meat._

_Hot cock._

_Boy toy._

Twink?

_Oh. My. God. _

_What was I to Jazz? An experiment? A notch on his belt? Boy Toy? _

I felt sick and jealous and…dirty?

Jasper came in a couple of minutes later. He looked shocked to see me. We just stared at each other for what seemed like an infinite amount of time, but in reality was a few seconds.

I tried to speak, but the words would not come.

Then, I thought about this morning and said, "Good night, Jazz. I didn't want to make the same mistake I did this morning so I stayed up and waited for you. I'll see you in the morning."

I turned over and stared at the wall, trying unsuccessfully not to cry, as silent tears rolled down my cheek onto my pillow.

_I can't do this. It's time to go back to the seminary._

I must have finally dozed off, because I was startled by a door opening up at 3:12 in the morning.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you up."

"Okay… Good night." I felt nauseous talking to him. _I am such an idiot._

I couldn't go back to sleep. After what must have been at least a half hour, I turned around, assuming he was sleeping, only to find him staring at me.

"Edward, can we talk?" Jazz asked apprehensively.

"There's no need. I get it now. I want you to know that I'm sorry for yesterday morning." I closed my eyes, determined to finish what I practiced saying all afternoon. "I didn't even think about surfing in the morning, I was really just trying to let you sleep. I had a lot of things to work out and went to the one place I do that best, church." I took a deep breath and continued. "Having said that, I left you, after what happened, and that was wrong and hurtful and I'm sorry."

I didn't know words could exhaust me, but those took all my energy.

Jasper was silent for a long time. Just as I was getting ready to lie back down, Jasper began to talk.

"I went to the beach tonight."

I wasn't sure what to say so I just stayed quiet.

"I've actually been going to the beach every night since I met you…except last night.

"Do you remember the night I told you my feelings for you?" I nodded. "I know it was only two days ago, but somehow it seems longer than that. Anyway, believe it or not I didn't go looking for you. I figured you needed some time to process all that I had told you.

"That spot, where you were sitting? That's where I had been sitting and thinking about my feelings for you. I was going back there to work out what I was feeling that night…and found you. There. At my beach. In my spot."

Our eyes locked, before I looked down. Words like 'boy toy', 'hot cock' and 'twink' screamed in my head.

"Jasper?" I questioned, as he looked at me in expectation. "What's a twink?"

His eyes widened as he fidgeted on the bed and looked down. When he looked back up at me, he looked disappointed?

"What does it matter? I'm trying to tell you my feelings here. Look, never mind. Now you know. I was at the beach. I thought about you."

The words came hurling out of my mouth before I could stop them. "Did you think about the 'man meat' you met tonight at the bar you went to?"

"Do you want to know what a 'twink' is Edward? A twink is a hot, young guy that knows what he wants. He's eye candy. My eye candy. The boy at the bar tonight was most definitely a twink. I've had more twinks than I could count. Is that what you wanted to know, Edward?"

I was stunned into silence, but I had to ask.

"Is that what I was to you?" I strained in a whisper to get it out.

He was quiet, as he seemed to collect his thoughts. "God, no. Can we put aside what I just said?" He continued, without waiting for a response from me. "I can't imagine how all of this feels to you.

"Tonight, when I was sitting on the beach, trying to sober up enough to have this conversation, I tried to remember all the feelings I had when I realized it was boys I liked, instead of girls. It was different for me because I've always known I was gay, but that didn't make it 'easy' by any stretch of the imagination."

He began again after a few moments. "I didn't handle it as well as I could. I mean, I'm not sure what the right way to come to terms with being gay is, but I… thoroughly explored my options?"

I must have looked as confused as I felt.

"Shit, I'm not very good at explaining this… I went through a shit-ton of feelings. At first, I thought there was something wrong with me.

"No one chooses to be gay, you know? It sucked that I liked boys, when all my other friends liked girls. All I knew then was that it wasn't normal and it wasn't fair that it was happening to me.

"I became the 'shy' one, because I was the one who wouldn't talk about girls. Crazy enough, that made the girls like me more. I learned quickly how to adapt and make myself appear as what I thought was 'normal'. It was easier than I thought it would be."

He paused, and then began again.

"See, the thing about being in the closet is that you're not being true to yourself. I fit in on the outside, but I was starting to hate myself on the inside. I was angry all the time; at the guys I found attractive, at the girls who found me attractive, at God for making me this way, at my parents, at Rosalie for being 'normal' and able to have 'normal' relationships, at the assholes who made gay jokes, at me who laughed when everyone else did, and at a million other things that set me off.

"I found that drinking and smoking weed lessened the pain a little, and I did it all the time. I don't know how I managed to graduate high school, but I did. I was a dick to everyone, and I just didn't care.

"I used graduating as an excuse to get away, and I moved to LA. I had screwed up my GPA enough that I wasn't going to a four year school. I enrolled West LA College to keep my parents happy, and since they were willing to try anything, they paid.

"I was far enough from home that I guess I felt comfortable in exploring that side of me a little bit more. The first time I went into a gay club, I couldn't believe there were all these guys who were just like me and sooooo open about it.

"For the first time in my life, I felt like it was okay to be me. It was… freeing … and exhilarating… and right. I danced all night, and had my first one-night stand. There wasn't any emotion, other than just being fucking overjoyed that I could express myself physically, without baggage or guilt, and be me.

"I don't want to go all Oprah or anything, but it was definitely a turning point in my life. It was not only okay to be gay, I was fuckin' good at it. I would go clubbing every night, and worked the boys the way I worked the girls in high school. I learned what to say to get what I wanted, and I rarely went home alone.

"After I started clubbing, believe it or not, I slowed down on the drinking and smoking. It got in the way of surfing in the morning, when I was clubbing at night."

He looked at me, seemingly embarrassed.

"I wondered if you were surfing, but I didn't want to interrupt." I didn't say more, because I was still processing everything. _He was good at being gay?_

"Yeah, funny enough, when I focused on the things I wanted to do, like surfing and clubbing, the other stuff didn't seem as important. Of course, now I know I was using the booze and weed to escape, but I didn't know it then. I didn't figure that out, until I started drinking again at the clubs."

He stopped and looked at me. "I'm sorry. Do you want to hear this?

"I promised myself if I was ever to get into a relationship, it wouldn't be physical first, and God knows I fucked that up last night. I'm just trying to tell you, what I should have told you before. This," motioning at the space between us, "kinda happened pretty fast. I think I'm just trying to play catch up a little.

"When we were talking after surfing all last week, I told you about Rose and surfing, and you told me all about you. But, for obvious reasons, I left this stuff out. I decided on the beach tonight that I want you to know the rest of me, but this should be your choice."

I thought about it. I shouldn't want to know more. I should walk away, but I couldn't. The truth was, I wanted to know all about Jasper. I had no right, but couldn't deny I wanted to know more.

"Jazz, there's a lot we have to talk about. I'm not sure about too much right now, but I am sure about wanting to know you. All of you."

"Some of this stuff isn't going to be pretty, Edward. Are you sure?"

I just nodded.

"Okay, well, like I was saying, I started drinking at the clubs, it made it easier to find and pick a guy. It's a little bit of a game and I knew exactly what to say and do…"

I interrupted, "Is that what you meant about being good, at being gay?"

He turned his head and smiled sheepishly. "Did I say that? Yeah, I guess. After the initial thrill of being able to be me in the outside world wore off, I realized that in order to get what I wanted," he paused and looked briefly at me, then continued, "um, sex, it was easier, if I said and did certain things.

"Cocky Jasper always left the club with someone. Over time though, it got harder and harder to want to get into the Cocky Jazz frame of mind. The alcohol helped at first, but when it didn't I met some people who did coke. The 'coke mindset' was so different than weed or booze. Coke did the trick for a while, but it made it hard to surf while I was coming down. I even did X a couple of times. I felt invincible on X, totally in the moment, but then the emptiness seemed emptier once the X was out of my system. It was like I was trying to back fill a hole that could never be filled.

"It's easier to talk about now, and God knows, I didn't know what was happening then. I just knew I wasn't happy unless I was on the water surfing or involved in the "game." I was never with the same guy, but surfing was a constant.

"I began winning competition after competition and got on a team. People started noticing me more, on the beach and in the water. Quickly after that, Quiksilver offered me a sponsorship deal and I took some X with friends to celebrate. It was cut with something else and I ended up fuckin' up pretty bad. I still don't remember everything that happened.

"Jake ended up saving my ass. I didn't know who else to call. I didn't want to drag Rose into that mess, so I called my new handler. He had to find out his new charge was gay and doing drugs in one night, but he didn't blink twice, he just took care of me.

"Jake never held that night over my head. He kept a tighter leash on me, but it ended up being good for me. I never had a curfew or anything, but Jake showed up on my door every day at 4:30 am, so we could be on the water by 5:00."

Jazz smiled impishly. "An early wake-up call like that makes drinking and staying out late…difficult.

"It was never part of Jake's job to take me surfing; he just did it, because he knew somehow that I needed it.

"Anyway, once my head was clear, instead of focusing on mastering the mechanics of surfing, which I had pretty much done anyway, I started to embrace the meditative side of it.

"I learned to let go of a lot of shit. Instead of fighting the waves for dominance, riding it like I was trying to break a wild stallion, I became one with it and let its energy flow through me."

Jasper locked eyes with mine, as he sighed. "You'd be amazed at what can happen when you just stop fighting with the world."

I remembered the first night we met, "Jazz, one of the first things you said to me was that surfing made you feel at one with the world and God. I knew I wanted that, whatever it was that you felt."

He smiled contemplatively. "Well, now you know I didn't get there easily. I do feel at peace with God on the water. He and I had been battling it out since high school. I ended up going back to Church pretty soon after that and I've been going ever since. I figured the same God that created nature so perfectly also created me. Who was I to question it anymore?

"Anyway, there it is - the good, the bad, and the ugly of Jasper Whitlock Hale."

"There is nothing about you that is ugly, Jasper." I whispered, keeping my eyes glued to the air mattress below me.

I could feel him staring at me.

"How can you say that, Edward? You left this morning. I can't even imagine what you think of me."

"Can I ask you about something, and then I'll tell you why I left?"

"Sure." He answered hesitantly.

"You said I wasn't like the guy in the bar tonight." I paused and then asked quickly, "What exactly am I to you?" _I have no right to ask this question._

"Wow, you're really trying to get out of my question, aren't you?" He chuckled. "Edward, you are a guy I can't stop thinking about. The more I know about you, the more I want to know. You are a natural athlete, you're funny, you're caring, you're thoughtful, you're fascinating, you cook, and you play pool… I could go on and on."

"So I'm fascinating, and you're curious about me?" I pushed.

He cocked his head to look at me, and then shook it. "Yes and no. You are fascinating, and I do want to know more, but I doubt I could ever learn enough to satisfy me." His eyes got darker and his Adam's apple bobbed up and down in his throat.

He took a deep breath before continuing slowly, "now, why did you leave this morning? What did I do?"

"Jasper, _you_ didn't do anything. I'm the bad one here."

He interrupted me, "Edward, there is no 'bad one' here. It is what it is. Are you having second thoughts?"

"Second, third, maybe even first? I wasn't exactly thinking, more like riding on all these new emotions and feelings." I blurted out, in a frustrated tone.

"Jazz, I can't say I don't have feelings for you, I do. But I don't know what that means.

"I left this morning because I realized that I basically offered you something that wasn't mine to offer. I've committed myself to being a priest. I'm good at it and it's what I know.

"I left this morning to go to Church."

"Did you find what you were looking for?" Jasper asked quietly.

"Did I work through all these feelings for you? Clearly not," I said as I sighed. "Did the world make more sense when I walked through the double doors and sat down in a pew? Absolutely. Do I know what it all means? Not a fucking clue."

I think we were both surprised by my curse word and looked at each other in shock. Then we laughed. We laughed a nervous, cathartic laughter. I finally had to stop because my sides hurt. It felt good, better.

"C'mere," he said, as he outstretched his arms.

I stood up and eased into his hug. It was a quiet hug of friendship and support. We held on for longer than was necessary, and only pulled away when we heard a knock on the door.

"Everything okay?" Rosalie asked, while her eyes roamed over the room. _ Shit._

"Yeah. Why Rose?" Jazz asked.

"Well, I heard either laughing, or crying in here, and neither made sense."

"We were laughing. I was telling Edward about last night."

Rose's forehead scrunched up. "Really? Whatever. Are you guys getting ready to go surfing?"

"Yeah…"

I interrupted Jazz, "Jazz is, but I'm going to Church."

Rose's eyes widened a little as she looked over to Jasper and back to me. "Okay, then. I guess I'll see you both tonight."

After she closed the door Jasper asked, "so, you're going to church this morning?"

I nodded. "Yeah, I think I have to… I want to."

"Okay then, I'll see you later."

I watched him grab his board shorts and a towel and walk out.

I slipped into the shower and felt the hot water loosen the built up tension of the last twenty-four hours. Jasper's words ran through my head. I had a lot to think about.

**A/N **Okay so I've read a ton of yummy slash in the past two weeks. _Rediscovering What Matters _by rmhale made me weep, it is so beautiful. _Uncomfortable_ by Savannah-Vee, her Doucheward is a badass hottie. _It's Fate _by OCDJenn, I LOVE her Jasper and hate her Tanya. I may or may not have screamed at my computer routing for these two. : )

You all know I've been under a rock as far as slash is concerned, but I read _Just Like Chocolate_ by FarDareisMai2 winner of the Slash/Backslash o/s contest. Holy Hell, one of the best and sweetest things I've ever read, it left me breathless.

I'm dutifully going through your recs, and I can't thank you enough for sending them to me. BUT I'm also interested in your writing. In the next set of reviews, please send me your stories (if you write). You all read mine and I really want to read yours.

As always, please tell me what you think and thank you for loving our boys. Love until next time. xoxoxo


	5. Chapter 5 Seaching for Peace

**A/N **Siobhan'x beta rocked this chapter, you are a superstar, girl. I absolutely adore you. Thank you as always to my pre-readers carrottop81690, Loca37, and CherBella, I got so much great feedback and it's SO MUCH better because of them.

I also want to thank each of you who reviewed/alerted/favorited this story. I never thought it would mean as much to me as it does. I am truly honored.

**Disclaimer:** Oh, what tangled webs we weave when we twist Stephanie Meyers' characters into things that please (me. I LOVE these boys!). No young readers please.

**Chapter 5 Searching For Peace**

After I got out of the shower I started to get dressed. A big part of me wanted to reach for the board shorts sitting in the corner of the room. No one was expecting me at mass. No one would miss me if I didn't show up. Last week was one of the best weeks of my life. I really liked hanging out with Jasper. He fit into my life like no one else ever had but, it wasn't that simple anymore.

So, I went to church.

My mind kept wandering throughout the whole mass. I deliberately chose to not sit where I sat yesterday, in Jasper's seat, but that didn't stop me from staring at it.

He wanted me to know all of him. Bella knew all my secrets, but that was because she lived through them with me. S_he doesn't know all my secrets now._

I walked out of church without any more clarity than I went in with. The rules and rituals of mass were simple, straightforward and time tested. What was going on between Jasper and I was anything but. Too bad it was all I could concentrate on.

I wanted Jasper to know me, but I'm starting to doubt if _I_ know me…

Instead of walking back to Bella's, I headed for the beach. I didn't have any surf gear so I just sat in the sand, just like the day I arrived. The beach was practically empty.

God was here, I felt him in the sun that warmed my shoulders and the melodic pounding of the waves on the shore. It was almost as if I was watching the ocean inhale and exhale as the tide ebbed and flowed.

I desperately wanted to find the peace or Zen that Jazz kept talking about, but all I could hear were the voices in my head screaming.

_My life is such a mess._

_Two weeks ago, I had everything planned out. _

_Mass is peaceful. I love the fragile, yellowed pages of the bible at the seminary._

_Jasper was an altar boy like me and goes to church._

_Jasper's eye candy is a twink._

_I want to be a good priest._

_Kissing Jasper. _

_Surfing is peaceful._

_Jacob can't be that bad of a guy if he helped Jasper._

_Bella is peaceful. Why don't I tell her what's going on with me?_

_Jazz touching me._

_I love God. I want to serve God._

_Rosalie looked like she knew something. Would she tell Emmett or Bella?_

_Jacob is an ass._

_Alice was peaceful. I wish she was here to help me. _

_God, please help me. I want to do what's right, I just don't know what that is. _

_Why can't my life be peaceful? _

I spent the morning watching the surfers, as those thoughts and a hundred others bounced around like a pinball in my brain. When I couldn't take it anymore, I walked back to Bella's.

My mind was still on a hundred different things as I walked down the hallway to my room. The bathroom door was ajar and just as I was walking past it, I heard noises. It was Jasper. In the shower. Making Noises. _Shut the door, this is private._

I didn't move. I reached my hand out to close the door, but my knuckles were white from gripping the door-knob. I felt the humid, heavy air on the other side of the door. He must have had the window by the shower open, because I could still see his reflection in the mirror. As I watched him stroke his length, I felt myself harden. _Open the door and join him_.

I didn't move. He was breathtakingly beautiful, wet, and sun kissed. I couldn't see his face anymore as the mirror began to fog. All I could see was the way the muscles in his arm contracted, as he tugged and pulled with one hand and caressed his balls with the other. I was mesmerized at the site as he released his balls and placed that hand in front of him as he leaned into the tile wall to support himself as he continued to stroke languidly.

Unconsciously, I began to touch myself. All time stopped and I was frozen in the moment, all I felt was my heart pounding out of my chest. As his pace picked up, so did mine, matching him stroke for stroke. My eyes wanted to close at the sheer decadence of it all, but I forced them to stay open and watch. He slowly disappeared from site as the mirror continued to fog up, but I could still hear him and that was almost more erotic. He was muttering and grunting. I had an overwhelming desire to touch him, to be touched by him. I closed my eyes and pictured him in front of me, licking, sucking, and kissing, like the other night.

I gripped the door knob and almost opened the door, calculating that it would only take less than five steps to get to him. That's when I heard a guttural "Edward."

As soon as I heard Jasper say my name, like that, I exploded inside my pants, unable to catch my breath.

I stood motionless at the door, until I heard the shower door open. _What am I doing? _I couldn't remember a time I had been able to touch myself without the guilt that always accompanied it. Now, I was standing outside the bathroom door with jizz in my pants. There was no plausible way to explain this. I let go of the handle and walked quickly to our room to change.

I pulled my pants and boxer briefs off all at once and balled them up before hiding them under the air mattress, then I grabbed the first pair of shorts I could find in my suitcase.

Jazz walked in a couple of minutes later. "Hey. How was church?"

"It was good, I guess. Did you just get back from surfing?"

"Yeah, I'm kinda wiped from last night. The last couple of nights really." Jazz answered.

My eyes widened.

"No, I mean I haven't been getting much sleep."

I cock my head just a little bit and continued to stare.

"Shit. I'm just tired, alright?"

I broke into a smile. "I knew what you meant."

"And you let me hang like that? Nice, Edward." He said teasingly, as he started to laugh.

He turned his head and looked at me. "Are we okay? A lot came out last night."

_Today, too. _I bit my lip so I wouldn't give anything away.

"Yeah, we're okay. I can't say I've had any epiphanies, but I can tell you I admire you even more now that you've told me about your past."

"Yeah, admire some asshole that fought with his whole family, turned against God, drank, did all sorts of drugs and had sex with multiple strangers. That's something to admire alright."

"Jasper, you lived your life. You figured it out on your own terms. When your life strayed too far from what you knew to be true, you fixed it, came back to God and are now true to yourself. I'd say that's a lot to admire.

"I've always taken the easy route and done what was expected of me. I pushed myself to excel and be the best, but I've never really questioned my path." I turned to him and continued, "You questioned everything, tried things. You're much more ahead of the game than I am."

He put his hand on my shoulder and then pulled it back.

"Are you okay, Edward?"

I smiled sadly, "Yeah. This is just a lot, you know?"

"Have you talked to anyone? Bella? You know you can talk to me, right?"

"I do talk to you, but no, I haven't talked to anyone else. I think I need to own it first before I can give it away, so to speak."

"I don't think this is one of those things you own without help, Edward." He said quietly as he squeezed my shoulder and walked out of the room.

I reached up and touched my shoulder where his hand was, feeling the loss of his touch. I sat in the room for countless minutes, maybe an hour. When I finally got up to see where Jasper was, I was surprised to find myself in an empty house.

I fixed myself a sandwich and picked up my phone.

"Hello."

"Mom? How are you?"

"Oh, hello, Edward. It's good to hear from you. How is the seminary? Your ordination is coming up soon, isn't it?"

"Yeah mom. In a couple of weeks. I'm actually in Long Beach, visiting Bella."

"Oh, that's nice, dear. Your father and I are planning to attend, assuming your father's schedule doesn't change.

"You should see Garrett's boys, they're getting so big and Maggie's oldest is graduating this year. I guess Peter is going to have to get a new babysitter with Bree going off to college," she mused.

"You sound like you're in Grandma-Heaven up there." I chuckled as she recounted all the activities of my nieces and nephews.

"I love being a Grandma, I know this is ironic to say coming from a woman with 15, well 14 children, but if I knew how wonderful it would be to be a Grandma, I'd skip the whole mother thing!" _Nice Mom._

"How's dad?"

"He's working hard as usual. Did I tell you he's the president of the Knights of Columbus again? I hope he doesn't volunteer us for carnival chair again."

"How is everyone else?"

"Oh, as busy with their lives as you are with yours I guess."

"I guess. Okay Mom, I better go. I love you."

"I love you too, dear. Tell Bella hi for me."

"Sure Mom, bye."

I only called once every couple of weeks, but it had been over a month since I last talked to her. Our conversations were always strained. She never told me more than she would tell a passerby on the street. Sometimes I didn't know why I bothered at all.

In a reflex action, I did what I always do when she makes me feel this way, I called Fr. Carlisle.

"Hi Father."

"Edward! I'm so glad to hear your voice. How are you, son?"

"I just got off the phone with Mom."

He paused. "How is your mother?"

"She's the same apparently, keeping herself busy with the grandchildren. She certainly didn't have much to say to me. Sometimes I don't know why I call her… other than your pestering me to do so."

"Edward, she's your mother and she loves you, I'm sure your conversation was not as bad as you think.

"How's Bella?" He asked, not so subtly changing the topic.

"She's great. I thought we'd have more time together than we actually do, but we went out to the movies the other night. She's dating someone and that's been kinda weird."

"How do you feel about that, son?"

"I don't know. I don't particularly like him, he's kind of an ass."

"Language, Edward." He chuckled. "Does he treat Bella right? Is he not a nice guy?"

"He seems to treat her fine. It annoys me that he's always touching her, on her arm or leg, attached to her in some way. But, I just found out he helped out Rosalie's brother, so I guess he can be a good guy. I'm just not sure he's the right for her, you know? He's actually Rose's brother's handler or manager or something."

"Uh huh. So before I address the elephant on the phone, why do you think that this guy isn't right for Bella?"

"She's special, Father. I just don't want to see her hurt."

"And you think he would hurt her?"

"I don't know." I hedged.

"Edward, are you jealous of this boy?"

"No, you know it's not like that for Bella and me." I said quickly. I took a deep breath, and then added, "I just feel very protective of her."

"I didn't mean to imply that you had romantic feelings for Bella, but jealously doesn't necessarily have to do with sexually based feelings, son. Just what are you protecting?"

I was quiet for a moment.

"I'm not sure, maybe us? I don't know how to be me 'without her'." I said, whispering the last part.

"I can understand that. Are you afraid he'll somehow take her away from you?"

"I guess. All I know is that she didn't tell me about him. She hid something from me, and she's never done that before."

"Are you saying you've never kept anything from her?"

_Jasper._

"Noooo, I'm not saying that."

"Then what are you saying, son?"

"I'm saying she's mine!" I snapped.

He was quiet for a long time while we both took in what I'd said.

"Is that fair, Edward? You don't want her romantically. You have a life outside your relationship with Bella. Is it fair to expect her to live her life, waiting for you to need her? I'm not being judgmental, but that sounds more possessive than protective."

"It's just that she's always been there, and I don't want to lose us."

"You've been lucky Edward; she has been there for you. I've had the opportunity to observe you two over the years. In many ways, I see you two as soul mates. To be honest, when I first met her, I thought she would be the one that the church would lose you to. Your connection is palpable. But, in all the years I've known you both, the connection was never romantic. You chose God, shouldn't she have the same opportunity to make the right choice for her?"

"I don't want to take anything from her. I don't want to be unfair. I just want my simple life with her back. Nothing in my life is simple anymore and I hate it. Do you know she asked me right off the bat if I was happy and questioned if I wanted to be ordained? I answered her immediately, I was and I do. I had never thought to question it."

"Is there a question now son?" he interrupted.

"I don't know. That's the problem, I don't know anything anymore." I said frustratingly.

"And this is because of Bella? Or is it because Rosalie's brother? He's the one you were talking to me about the other night, right?"

"I. DON'T. KNOW. FATHER." I screamed into the phone.

"Edward, I hear that you're upset and confused. We'll figure this out, son. Tell me about him. You've told me the boy has feelings for you and you were confused about your feelings for him. Has anything changed?"

_Everything changed._

I didn't think I could talk to him about this.

"I'm struggling with my feelings for Jasper."

"So his name is Jasper. Are your feelings for Jasper romantic in nature?"

"Yes and no. He's great father. He's accomplished so much at a young age. He's a professional surfer and some sort of spokesman for Quiksilver. He can't cook worth a lick, but he's funny and smart. He's traveled all over the world and been to the most amazing places. He plays pool. He was an altar boy and has better altar boy stories that I do.

"He's so strong, Father. When he realized he was gay, instead of pulling into himself and doing what was expected, he explored life. He's really just amazing."

"Wow, sounds like quite a guy." Father said laughing.

"I guess what I meant to say is that; I do have feelings for him, but more than just, to use your word, romantic ones. I can talk to him. He makes me feel good about myself. We're friends."

"More than friends, Edward?"

"I don't know. Something happened, but it hasn't happened again and I'm just working those feelings out."

_I guess I'm not counting touching myself while watching Jazz jacked himself off in the shower._

"I love you, son. There is nothing you couldn't tell me. Do you want to tell me what happened?"

"No."

"But whatever happened, it was enough to make you question being ordained?"

"I don't know… maybe?"

"We all go through these types of doubts. Once we overcome our misgivings, it's one of the things that bring us closer to God. It becomes our cross to bear so to speak. What else made you doubt your choice to become a priest? How did you handle that?"

"I've never doubted anything, because I've never questioned anything. I think that's what is so confusing, Father. All of the sudden Pandora's box has been opened and I can't close it… I'm not even sure I want to close it."

"How can you say you've never questioned what called you to God, son? You've written countless essays and had multiple interviews. It's not that that I doubt what you're saying, I just don't understand how you can say it."

"Interviews are a lot like counseling parishioners, you need to be forthright and truthful, but in order to convey what you need to, you have to connect with them. In order to do that, you tell them what they want to hear. Essays are essentially the same thing. You research the topic, and write about it in the manner it can be best received, always keeping in mind what the teacher is looking for."

"Edward! How have you come so far with thoughts like that?" He scolded. "Your classes, counseling sessions, ministry, essays and interviews are designed to guide you into becoming a better priest. It is a trust and a privilege.

"Once we become ordained we accept the responsibilities of the burdens of others. It's an honor to bear another's load. In some ways we become angels of God for those that need us. You can't bear that load if you're trying to figure out what that person needs to hear in order to get out what ever 'message' you're trying to convey."

He took a deep breath, "Edward I owe you an apology. I've failed you."

His words hit me like a punch in the gut.

"No, Father, I've failed you. I'm so sorry." I said as tears welled up in my eyes. "I'll be better, I swear."

"Edward, Edward, stop. You don't have to be better… you just have to be Edward. You are a good man, an honorable man, a man that I am very proud of. There is nothing that you could do or be that would make me love you any less. But the fact of the matter is, is that I have failed you."

"Noooo Father. You have never been anything but honest and loving to me. Sometimes I feel closer to you than my own father," I interrupted.

"And I love you like my own son, Edward. But that doesn't negate the fact that my job is to mentor you through this process. I've been so proud of your accomplishments, I've been bragging to anyone that would listen parading you around like a fool, when I should have been paying better attention to you. I am a prideful sinner."

"I want to make you proud. I already had a strong love of God before I came to seminary, but once I met you, your love of God solidified it for me. A big reason I want to become a priest is because I want to be like you."

He was quiet for a moment. His voice was hoarse, "I can't tell you what that means to me son. There has never been a luckier man on this Earth as I am right now, but this is about you.

"You clearly care for this boy, Jasper. Don't you owe it to yourself to see if this is where you should be, who you should be with?"

"My feelings aside. Jasper's a _man_, Father. You know what the church thinks about that. I can't help but think of Leviticus. It says my feelings are an abomination."

"That's technically not what it says and you know it. It says 'You shall not lie with a male as one lies with a female; _it _is an abomination'. If you are going to focus on the words of Leviticus then you must also weigh them with the passages prohibiting against round haircuts, tattoos, working on the Sabbath, wearing garments of mixed fabrics, eating pork or shellfish, getting your fortune told, and even playing with the skin of a pig. Bishop Tallis would be quite disappointed if there was no football at Notre Dame." He chuckled.

"The book of Roman says, 'For this reason God gave them over to degrading passions; for their women exchanged the natural function for that which is unnatural, and in the same way also the men abandoned the natural function of the woman and burned in their desire toward one another, men with men committing indecent acts and receiving in their own persons the due penalty of their error. And just as they did not see fit to acknowledge God any longer, God gave them over to a depraved mind, to do those things which are not proper."

"Do you feel unnatural, Edward? Are you still acknowledging God?"

"I love God, with my whole heart and soul. I'm struggling with whether or not being with Jasper is right, but I can't say it feels unnatural."

"Did you know that nowhere in the Bible does Jesus condemn homosexuality? There are over a million verses in the bible, but there are only six, maybe seven, that even refer to homosexuality.

"The apostle Paul said, 'Test all things and hold fast to that which is good'." You are good Edward, but you have not tested your feelings, if these feelings are what are right for you, you should hold fast to them. But, with without testing or exploring them, you'll never know.

"I can't tell you whether this is right or wrong, only your heart can tell you that. What I am telling you is that you should find out if it's right for you. I trust you, and no matter which way this comes out, I'll be right here for you. I love you."

I felt like my soul had been stripped bare. I had no words, other than, "Thanks, Father. I love you too.

I've got some stuff to think about, thanks for being there."

"Edward, I'm not going to say anything to the Monsignor yet, but your doubts will have to be addressed."

"I know Father. I gotta go. Thanks again."

"Bye, son."

I needed some fresh air, so I put on the board shorts that I saw sitting in the corner of the room this morning, grabbed a towel, Japser's extra surfboard and wet suit and walked towards the beach. I was a block away when I saw Jasper's truck driving up the other way.

"Hey, going somewhere?"

_Test all things and hold fast to that which is good._

I smiled. "Yeah, this guy I know taught me how to surf, so I thought I'd actually get out on the water."

He gave me a goofy grin. "Really? Well, that's where I do some of my best thinkin'. Doing some thinking, are we?"

I shook my head, "No, I'm done thinking for the day, just feeling and enjoying the water."

"Want a ride?"

I raised my eyebrows, looked at him and swallowed.

He backtracked, "I meant do you want me to drive you to the beach?"

I gave him my crooked smile. "I knew what you meant, Jazz."

"Damn it, fucker, why do you do that?" He said laughing.

"Because I can."

I threw the surf board, towel and wetsuit in the back and got in the car. Jasper continued driving away from the beach.

"Where are we going? The beach is the other way."

He smirked at me, "I was just down there after my photo shoot, the waves suck."

"You had a photo shoot?"

"Yeah, we're gearing up for the next competition series, I'm a bigger fan of action shots in the water, but these were on the sand for the sponsor."

"So, were not going to the beach?"

"Oh, we're going to the beach, just not this one. It's still full of screamers and gawkers."

I rolled my eyes. "Ego, much? Emmett's right about your tough life, you know.

"Hey, why didn't you just ask me if we could go to another beach, instead of assume its okay?" I kidd.

He turned to me and gave me a full smile and responded cockily, "Because I can."

Jasper drove down to Huntington Beach. We had a great time on the water. I managed stay up on the board, even though these were more difficult, and could almost ride the waves to the shore.

Jasper, on the other hand, was a rock-star out there. People didn't even know who he was, but watched as he effortlessly rode the waves, catching a couple of barrels.

I found myself on the shore for the last half hour, gawking with the small crowd that was gathering.

I was struck at how fluid-like his movements were. I thought back to what he had said to me last night_. Instead of fighting the waves for dominance, riding it like I was trying to break a wild stallion, I became one with it and let its energy flow through me. You'd be amazed at what can happen when you just stop fighting with the world._

I wondered if stop fighting with the world was the answer. _Was that what was unnatural?_

I didn't have too much time to think, before Jazz came and sat beside me.

"Didn't I tell you this was better?" He said excitedly, bumping my shoulder.

"You drew quite the crowd a moment ago." I said, looking out over the ocean.

"Eh," he balked, "I'm sure they were watching all the surfers, not just me. It's kinda what people do here."

"No, they were watching you." I turned my head and used my hand as a visor, squinting to see his face. "You're really quite amazing, you know that?"

His breath hitched, as he looked down at the sand. After a moment, he answered, "I'm just a guy who likes to surf and is lucky enough to get paid for it."

"I wasn't just talking about surfing, Jazz."

His eyes locked with mine and I watched his Adams apple bob up and down. "What _are_ you saying, Edward?"

"Honestly, I don't know."

He chuckled and shook his head looking back down at the sand. "So nothing's changed."

"Maybe just my willingness to not fight whatever this is."

He turned back to look at me, and now it was my turn to look down in the sand, embarrassed. _Why is this so hard?_

"I'd say that's a pretty big change."

_Test all things and hold fast to that which is good. _I took a deep breath.

"Maybe we could try and figure this out together?" I paused then continued slowly, "Just not so fast this time. I may have a tendency to freak out a bit."

He laughed, as he bumped my shoulder. "I'd say that was the understatement of the century."

We both started laughing at that point, but I kept my eyes down towards the sand.

"Hey, you know I'm kidding, right? I told you how hard it was for me. What you're going through is a thousand times worse.

"You say you admire me for experimenting in my past, well, I admire you for this. This is all new to you, but you're facing it."

I sat quietly absorbing Jasper's words.

I was startled as I felt a jolt of emotion. Jasper's pinkie touched mine in the sand and electrified my hand.

It wasn't much, but it was a start and perfect in that moment. _Not fighting the world is a good thing._

**A/N **I can't thank you enough for sending me your fics. I will start reading them this week after I finish Chapter 6 (which is half written). I'm a little slow in reading because I'm still trying to get through my "To Be Read" folder.

If you haven't sent me your fic, please do. I honestly want to read your stories.

I am enrolled in Project Team Beta's Smut University. I HIGHLY encourage you to enroll, there is still half a summer of lessons still. We learn to write better smut - how fabulous is that? Check them out. (This week we're working on writing threesomes)

Recs - My favorite slash fic this week is I Wept Not, by ArcadianMaggie. It's yummy beyond belief, if you haven't started this, do so NOW! http: / www . fanfiction . net / s / 5683212 / 1 / I_Wept_Not

I'm also rec'ing a BDSM fic – All of me by Flibbins. It's only on Twilighted and you have to be willing to "go there" (this is not the Submissive or MOTU), but it's a-mazing. It makes me want to blindfold and tie up AlmostPriestward, put Surfsper in leather and let him do dirty dirty things to E. (God knows after all the angst I've put Jasper through in my fic, he's due for some bad boy fun!) http: / www . twilighted . net / ? sid=7578


	6. Chapter 6 The Bucket List

**A/N **Siobhan'x beta rocked this chapter, you continue to put me into a state of blissful awe. Thank you as always to my pre-readers carrottop81690, Loca37, and CherBella, I got so much great feedback and it's SO MUCH better because of them.

I also want to thank each of you who reviewed/alerted/favorited this story. I never thought it would mean as much to me as it does. I am truly honored. ALSO I reply to every review, unless PM's are off. If you PM's are off and you reviewed, THANK YOU!

**Disclaimer:** Oh, what tangled webs we weave when we twist Stephanie Meyers' characters into things that please (me. I LOVE these boys!). No young readers please

**Chapter 6 - The Bucket List **

JPOV

Surfing sucked this morning. I couldn't get my head in the game. Even as I drove home, I couldn't keep thoughts of Edward out of my head. This thing with him was driving me a little fucking crazy.

I stopped doing the club scene about six months ago. Meaningless fucks just weren't cutting it, but damn it, at least I was getting fucked.

I dated a couple of guys since then, but nothing that interested me beyond a second date. Being in the same room with Edward was fucking killing me. I am a man, a sexual being. Just how much more am I supposed to take?

He's an amazing kisser. If that's all we had ever done, it would have been totally fine with me. But it wasn't and I can't stop replaying that night over and over in my head. "Show me how to love you." Who the hell says shit like that? Edward fucking Masen, that's who.

I couldn't stop thinking about that night in our bedroom. That man has a glorious cock. Having his cock in my mouth was a frickin' religious experience. I couldn't stop thinking about how he looked when I swallowed all of his cum. He looked grateful, but I was the grateful one. I was the only person who had ever touched him like that and if I had anything to say about it, no one else ever would.

I liked him so much. More than I've liked anyone in a long time, maybe even ever, but something has got to give. Sometimes I think it would have been better if I never told him I had feelings for him. I can see how this is tearing him up inside, but here I am being a whiny bitch.

Before this visit, his life was simple before me and he's such a great guy, but hell, he is one confused mother-fucker. It sucks more than a little, that I had a part in making him that way. After I poured my heart out to him last night, he tells Rose he's going to church. Apparently, 'it's the only thing that makes sense to him. I get it, and yet at the same time, I don't.

Where the hell does that leave me? I'm getting in deeper and deeper and he's still in church, again.

I know I'm being a selfish bastard, but this is fucking frustrating.

No one was home when I got to Rose's. I stripped down and jumped in the shower to clean up for my photo shoot and, who was I kidding, to jack off for the umpteenth fucking time this week.

It never took me long. Hell, I was in a perpetual state of arousal these days. I tried to picture that twink from the bar.

Inevitably, my mind went to Edward. I ended up picturing hurt in Edward's eyes when he asked me what a twink was. _Really? How the fuck am I supposed to explain that? _

Jungle was the hottest gay dance club in LA. Edward was nowhere near ready for that kind of experience, but nothing stopped me from fantasizing about it.

I allowed the steam from the shower to fill up the bathroom. It was easy to imagine all the sweaty, shirtless guys, dancing, touching and kissing on a hot sticky dance floor.

I ran my hand down my chest, and pinched my nipples, making them harden. I cupped my balls with one hand and grabbed my shaft with the other, as I pictured Edward taking off his shirt as he moved only for me. Everyone would be looking at my man, wanting what only I possessed. Fantasy Edward would look me in the eyes and grind on my cock, showing me that he wanted me as much as I wanted him.

Then in the middle of the dance floor he would drop to his knees and pull out my dick and wrap those perfectly shaped lips around my engorged cock. He'd use his tongue in the dirtiest way and take me all the way to the back of his throat.

I stroked myself harder as my fantasy slipped into imagining his trusting eyes looking up at me. I came hard against the tile wall in front of me, muttering his name.

_Holy shit, I'm going to hell._

I cleaned up and headed to the bedroom and was surprised to find Edward there as well.

"Hey. How was church?"

"It was good, I guess. Did you just get back from surfing?"

"Yeah, I'm kinda wiped from last night. The last couple of nights really." I replied.

Edward's eyes widened.

"No, I mean I haven't been getting much sleep." I backtracked.

He looked at me like I was some perv who molested him. _Just in my dreams, baby_.

"Shit. I'm just tired, alright?"

Edward's face broke into a smile. "I knew what you meant."

"And you let me hang like that? Nice, Edward." _What the fuck?_ My guilty conscience was getting the best of me.

"Are we okay? A lot came out last night."

He bit his lip. _Damn, that's sexy._

"Yeah, we're okay. I can't say I've had any epiphanies, but I can tell you I admire you even more now that you've told me about your past." _Yeah, right_.

"Yeah, admire some asshole that fought with his whole family, turned against God, drank, did all sorts of drugs and had sex with multiple strangers. That's something to admire alright."

"Jasper, you lived your life. You figured it out on your own terms. When your life strayed too far from what you knew to be true, you fixed it, came back to God and are now true to yourself. I'd say that's a lot to admire.

"I've always taken the easy route and done what was expected of me. I pushed myself to excel and be the best, but I've never really questioned my path." He explained, "You questioned everything, tried things. You're much more ahead of the game than I am."

_I would be more if you just let me. _I touched his shoulder, hoping my touch would tell him what my words could not.

"Are you okay, Edward?"

"Yeah. This is just a lot, you know?"

"Have you talked to anyone? Bella? You know you can talk to me, right?"

"I do talk to you, but no, I haven't talked to anyone else. I think I need to own it first before I can give it away, so to speak." _You're so wrong._

"I don't think this is one of those things you own without help, Edward." I told him, leaving him to his thoughts.

I waited around to see if he wanted to go to the photo shoot with me, but when he hadn't come out after a half hour, I had to leave.

The Billabong Competition series was coming up and I was due in Costa Rica in a week. The action shots would be taken down there, but the pictures today were for some ad-work. It paid the bills, I guess.

"Hey bro, you ready to do this?" Jake yelled good-naturedly as I walked up to him on the beach.

"Whatever, dude. What am I wearing?"

"I saw some sweet hats and board shorts, but you know Heidi is the one who puts that shit together."

"Jake, how long is this gonna take? The sets sucked this morning and I wanted to get back on the water this afternoon."

"Dude, I can't go this afternoon, I've got to babysit a noob."

"Who said I asked you, fucker?" I chuckled.

"Whatever, asshole. Just do your shit - smile pretty, sign some autographs, mention Quiksilver when you can, and then you're golden."

"Done." I replied, fist bumping him.

It turned out to be a pretty easy day. Irina and Tanya were modeling with me and they were always fun to flirt with. Demetri had been our photographer once before so we didn't need to waste any time with introductions.

Jake cleared the section of the beach Demetri said he wanted. Paul and Embry were supposed to keep the area clear, but the fans kept sneaking by. I wasn't sure if it was by design or not.

The clothes were actually pretty cool, it was going to be a great season for Quiksilver. It didn't suck that I got to keep everything I wore in the photo shoot.

Demetri sent the girls away and we did the last part of the session together. He was totally eye fucking me at this point, spending much more time positioning me now that it was just us, without the girls.

I could hear Tanya mutter something like "_figures_", before Jake whisked her and Irina away. He lavished them with compliments of their beauty and amazing figures, which they sucked up like coke on a silver tray.

"You are a fantastic model, such great bone structure. Have you thought about modeling professionally, outside of sports?"

"Well, that's the thing. I'm a surfer and part of my job is to take pictures in clothes the sponsor wants me to wear, but I wouldn't do it otherwise."

He ran his hands down my arms.

"Your muscular structure is pretty amazing too. Any chance of you doing a private session with me?" He asked, boring his eyes into me.

It was clear he wasn't asking to take my picture. There was a time I would have taken him up on that offer, but now there was Edward. _Wasn't there?_

"I'm afraid I'm interested in someone else right now, sorry."

"Silly boy, I don't want hearts and flowers, just your cock deep inside me." _Fuckity, fuck, fuck_. _Quick and dirty, no one would ever know... NO._

"Yeah well, you'd have get in line behind all the others, who, quite honestly, have more to offer and it would still be no." I replied as I walked away, knowing he was already hard.

"So, what happened with Demetri?" Jake asked as I was packing up.

"What? He totally hit on me. What the fuck was that all about?"

"He asked me if you were available before the shoot. I hope it was okay, I told him I thought you were. He's cute for a guy, right?"

"Jake, are you serious? Did you really fucking pimp me out to pho-tog, asshole?"

Jake looked stunned.

"What? No. I, um…"

"What the fuck, dude?" I interrupted.

"Look, you've been really distracted. I know you said you weren't doing the random fuck thing anymore, but then you were flirting with the guy in Mahe's, so I thought…" He paused before he tried to explain further. "I don't know about this shit. You're my friend and I thought even if the photographer thing didn't go anywhere, it might, you know, clear your head."

I closed my eyes and tried to process everything he said. I was big on intent. Jacob's heart was in the right place, but what the hell?

I took a deep breath and blew it out before talking to him. "Jake, thanks, I think. This is beyond awkward. If I want to find…companionship, I have no problems in that department. You and I are friends, but this shit's over the line.

"Do not, and I repeat, do not, look for or set up anyone for me. Are we clear?"

"Yeah, dude. Sorry, Jazz."

I was in my truck and was thanking God that Edward didn't end up coming today, when I saw him.

_Oh. My. God. What a fucking goof._ He was juggling a towel, a wet suit and my extra board. The wet suit slipped off the end of the surf board. When he went to pick it up, I cringed as the tip of the board scraped on the sidewalk and damn straight giggled when the towel fell behind him. _Could he be any fucking cuter?_

I shouted out the window of my truck, "Hey, going somewhere?"

He gave me a smile that made me forget the cluster-fuck that just happened on the beach. "Yeah, this guy I know taught me how to surf, so I thought I'd actually get out on the water."

I smiled back. _Well, I guess it's better than church_.

"Really? Well, that's where I do some of my best thinkin'. Doing some thinking, are we?"

"No, I'm done thinking for the day, just feeling and enjoying the water."

"Want a ride?" _God, do I ever want to give you a ride._

He raised his eyebrows, and stared at me. I watched his Adam's apple bob. _Shit, did he know what I was just thinking?_

"I meant do you want me to drive you to the beach?" I quickly backtracked.

"I knew what you meant, Jazz." He said smiling like a cocky son of a bitch. _Yeah, I don't think so, or you'd be blushing like you were the other night._

"Damn it, fucker, why do you do that?"

"Because I can." _Oh it's like that is it? Game on, fucker._

I cringed again as he threw the surf board, towel and wetsuit in the back of the truck_. He_ _has no respect for the board_.

"Where are we going? The beach is the other way."

_We're sure the hell not going to the beach where Jake and the pho-tog were at_. "I was just down there after my photo shoot, the waves suck."

"You had a photo shoot?"

"Yeah, we're gearing up for the next competition series, I'm a bigger fan of action shots in the water, but these were on the sand for the sponsor."

"So, were not going to the beach?"

"Oh, we're going to the beach, just not this one. It's still full of screamers and gawkers."

"Ego, much? Emmett's right about your tough life, you know." I just chuckled, letting him believe whatever he needed to.

We drove in comfortable silence for a couple of miles, enjoying the shoreline view.

"Hey, why didn't you just ask me if we could go to another beach, instead of assume it's okay?"

"Because I can." _That's right, baby, game on._

When we arrived at Huntington Beach, we had a great time on the water.

I kinda left him to his own devices and fell right into the groove. The sets were perfect. I caught a couple of barrels and rode the waves for everything they gave me. I don't know if it was having Edward here or just being at one with all the elements, but it was damn near perfect.

I looked around for him as I was waiting for the next set and realized he wasn't in the water. _I hope he's okay._

I rode the wave to shore and found him on the beach.

"Didn't I tell you this was better?" I said, bumping my shoulder with his.

"You drew quite the crowd a moment ago." _Gawkers._

"Eh," I responded, "I'm sure they were watching all the surfers, not just me. It's kinda what people do here."

"No, they were watching you." He turned his head, which made him look into sun. "You're really quite amazing, you know that?"

I was speechless for a moment as breath hitched. I looked down so he couldn't see what his words made me feel. I paused and answered casually, "I'm just a guy who likes to surf and is lucky enough to get paid for it."

"I wasn't just talking about surfing, Jazz." _Fuuuuuuuck. I have to know…_

"What _are_ you saying, Edward?"

"Honestly, I don't know." _And we're back. _

I laughed awkwardly. "So nothing's changed."

"Maybe just my willingness to not fight whatever this is." _Yeah? Really? Please be real._

"I'd say that's a pretty big change."

"Maybe we could try and figure this out together?" He paused and the added, "Just not so fast this time. I may have a tendency to freak out a bit." _You got that right, Captain Obvious._

I laughed and bumped his shoulder. "I'd say that was the understatement of the century."

He looked hurt. _Damn, fix it, Hale._

"Hey, you know I'm kidding, right? I told you how hard it was for me. What you're going through is a thousand times worse.

"You say you admire me for experimenting in my past, well, I admire you for this. This is all new to you, but you're facing it."

I wanted to touch him in some way to let him know that I was so overwhelmingly honored by his trust in me, in us. I wasn't sure how slow was slow, so I placed my hand next to his in the sand and quietly touched his pinkie with mine. _Thank God for you, Edward Masen. Show me how to love you._

We sat quietly on the sand until the sky turned pink, then orange, and finally purple before the sun fell below the horizon. I wasn't in any hurry to leave this spot or break the connection that bound us.

My stomach growling was an incentive for both of us to get up. "You hungry?" I asked, patting my stomach.

He chuckled, "Yeah, I could eat."

I stood up and offered my hand to pull him up and asked, "Well, Mr. Masen, may I take you to dinner tonight?"

"Like a date?" He asked, with raised eyebrows.

"Yes, exactly like a date. Too fast?"

He was quiet, like he was working something out in his head. "No, not too fast, I'd love to go out with you."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, absolutely."

We walked to the truck and I took both surf boards and carefully placed them on the rack, throwing the rest of the junk in the back.

"Where would you like to go?"

"Um, I don't care, but we should call Rose, Em and Bella to tell them we're not going to be there for dinner." He replied nervously.

I called Rose to tell her we weren't gonna be there for dinner. She told me that they had already started eating, because they were tired of waiting for our sorry asses. I just smiled into the cell phone.

"We're clear, they already ate."

"Do you think they know?"

"Know what?"

"Um, know that we're going out to dinner?" _Ahhh. How's that closet, Edward?_

"Yeah, they know because I just told them we were grabbing dinner out here." _Give him time._

"Do you want seafood, steak, burgers?" I asked.

"Not seafood." He answers quickly then added, "Maybe somewhere casual where we can just hang out?" _He doesn't want to go back and shower and have to explain where we're going. Shit, I'll be itchy._

"Okay, burgers? We could go to Sharkey's on Main Street."

"How about something in Long Beach?"

I chuckled, "You know for a guy who 'doesn't care' you really don't want to go a lot of places. I know of the perfect place, but you're just gonna have to trust me."

He shrugged. "Okay, lead the way." _Note to self, just pick the restaurant next time._

We drove down PCH and head to Second Street.

"Are we going back to Bella's?"

"Um, no, but not too far from there." I explained, being deliberately vague.

"O-kay?"

We parked about a block from Rose's and I knew he was getting anxious.

"Come on let's eat." I said, opening the truck door.

He followed me as we walked into to Lucille's Smokehouse BBQ.

"I've never eaten here, is it good?"

"Shut up, you've never eaten at Lucille's? Food of the Gods, I tell you!"

"I don't know, I guess I don't see you as a BBQ guy, Jasper."

"You'd be wrong then. This is exactly why I don't cook. I don't have to because places like this will cook, serve and clean up for me." I told him as I straightened my legs, crossed my ankles and put my hands behind my head at our table.

"You know your humility know no bounds."

"It's a gift." I chuckled.

I parked close enough to Rose's that Edward and I could walk home if we wanted to drink. I ordered my usual Abita Purple Haze and the appetizer platter and Edward ordered a Lucille's Amber Ale as we looked over the menu.

"This place has some of the best live blues, west of the Mississippi on Friday and Saturday nights."

"So, you like blues, what other kinds of music do you listen to, Jazz?"

"Oh, I'm pretty eclectic. Anything with feeling I guess; blues, rock, even some pop. What about you?"

"I don't know. I play classical on the piano and religious songs on the organ, but I don't listen to too much on my own."

"Really? I'm guessing you listen to more music than you think. Hell, sometimes I think my whole life has a soundtrack. Music is soulful." I said as I straightened up in my chair and leaned into him. "You said you play classical music, what about it makes you want to play it?"

"I don't know, as children, we all had to take piano, I'm probably better than most of my brothers and sisters. Our piano teacher always tried to challenge me and I got the harder classical pieces, so I guess the challenge maybe?"

"That's not really what I meant. Why do you choose the pieces you choose?"

"I don't. I play what's given to me."

"You don't play for fun? When's the last time you played to relax or clear your head?"

"I don't know. I haven't played like that for a long time. Bella, Alice and I used to mess around a bit, but it's been a while." _Damn, his whole life ended with that girl._

"Okay, what did you play for Alice and Bella?"

He put his head down and slowly shook it, as his cheeks turned pink.

"You're not going to make me admit this, right?"

"Oh, hell yes, boy, I sure the fuck am now. The music a person listens to, tells a lot about them. What did you play for Alice and Bella?" I goaded.

"First of all, this says nothing about who I am, other than a sucker for those two girls. Secondly, if Emmett hears about this, you are a dead man."

I sat up straighter. _This is gonna be good._

"Imayhaveplayedboybandmusic." He said in one long tortured burb.

"What?"

"I. Played. Boy-band. Music."

"Shut. Up. Like New Kids on the Block, the Backstreet Boys and NSYNC? Damn, you ARE gay." I laughed.

I took a swig of beer and realized he wasn't laughing with me. _Shit._

"I'm kidding. I'm sure they had some good music. Justin Timberlake went on to be big, right?" _How could he not know he was gay, if he was listening to that shit when he was a kid? Don't laugh. Don't laugh. Don't laugh._

"Hey, Alice wanted it! She would dance, Bella would sing and I would play, it was like we were a band or something." He answered defensively.

I put my hand over his on the table. "It sounds like a good memory."

He was quiet for a long time, and then answered, "It was. Mom didn't make us keep up our lessons after she died. I don't think Seth ever had to take lessons."

"Seth's your brother, right?"

"Yeah, the youngest. He's graduating high-school this year."

The waitress brought our appetizers. We ordered our food and I asked for another round of beer.

"Edward, how come you don't talk about your family very much?" I asked pensively.

"I've told you about them."

"I know their names, well, you've told me their names, but not a lot about them. I feel like I _know _Alice because of the way you talk about her, and you and Bella are thick as thieves, but you don't talk about your mom or dad a lot."

"My dad is your typical good Irish catholic doctor. He's always working. He doesn't show much feeling, but we always were provided for.

"I actually talked to my mom on the phone today.

"When I was little, my mom was involved in everything. She was room-mom, team-mom, she made dinner every night, she was amazing. I always envied my older brothers and sisters, they got the best of her, you know? We were almost two separate families.

"You know what's a trip? I have nieces and nephews that are older than me. There was a gap between my sister, Leah and me. I think my mom thought she was done, but then I came, followed by Alice and Seth."

"It sounds nice Edward. It was just Rose and me. We moved around a lot as kids, being army brats and all. Rose and I only had each other for a long time."

"Is that why you travel so much now? What was your favorite place to live? Somewhere with a beach, I bet."

"Hah, you'd be wrong then, Mr. Masen! The best place I ever lived was in Fort Hood, Texas. We were there for three years which was the longest Major Whitlock Hale had ever stayed in one place. He ended up retiring after that. I wanted to stay there, but my parents had other ideas."

"I'm surprised you don't have an accent."

I laughed, "I've been told it tends to come out when I'm drunk or tired, but yeah, hard to pull off the California surfer boy thing with a southern accent."

"I don't know, Jazz, I may have to get you another drink, just to hear it." _Damn, doesn't he know he can't say shit like that to me?_

"It'll take more than one more beer to turn me into a cowboy again." I reply, as he bites down on his lower lip. _Gotcha._

The rest of the night we talked about every topic under the sun. I decided we needed to open up Edward's mind to music a little more, it was like he spend the last 10 years perfecting the technical aspects of life, but never living it. It was a damn shame, too. No wonder Bella wanted him to have a bucket list these past two weeks, this boy needed to live a little.

I paid the bill and we walked out after 11:00 at night. "Well, I had a great time today, but I better get you home. You have church and I'm surfing pretty early tomorrow."

"Can we walk a little, before heading back?"

"Yeah, sure." I shrugged.

We walked side by side, heading to the beach.

"Jazz?"

I looked up at him.

"I want you to know, I had a great time today. Being with you, and talking to you is easy. It was like before I freaked out. I didn't realize how much I missed this until tonight."

I had a huge lump in my throat. Shit like that is why I couldn't give up on this guy. I smiled and touched my pinkie to his.

He surprised me by linking them together. I felt my chest warm and expand. It was the little gestures like these that just killed me.

We found our spot on the beach and sat in comfortable silence on the sand.

I finally spoke. "I had a great time too, Edward. We've been on quite an emotional roller coaster these past couple of days, but I want you to know, I'd do it all over again, if it meant we'd be sitting here on our beach like this.

"You are a hell of a guy and I'm so honored that you want figure this out with me."

"I'm starting to feel like this is déjà vu a little, with you saying that here."

I chuckled, "Maybe a little, but its different, I won't come on like a freight train and you're not gonna freak out."

"If I remember right, I was the one who came on like the freight train."

"Oh, I remember." I said, taking a deep breath. "There's more at stake now, I'm just going to have to learn to be strong for the both of us. You know, for when you slip up because I'm just so fucking irresistible."

"Like this?" He says as he leans in to gently kiss me.

It took all my fucking effort not to deepen that kiss.

"Exactly." I said pulling away.

"Edward, if this is going to work I think you need to open yourself up a little more."

He raised his eyebrows and stared at me. "We're still going slowly, right?"

I snickered. "Yeah, this isn't about you and I, well it is insofar as me doing stuff with you, but not us, us."

He looked more confused.

"I think we should implement Bella's idea of a bucket list." I blurt out.

"Em already offered to get me a hooker." He deadpaned.

"Of course he did. Damn, now I'll have to find something else!

"No really, I think you need to try new things and have new experiences - test drive life a little."

He was quiet for a while and then seemed calmer as if something I said resonated with him.

"Okay suppose I'm considering this, how would it work, hypothetically? I've already learned to surf and seen 'Hangover'." He said, looking over to me.

"Well, I guess you write out some stuff you want to do. If it's alright, I'll put in some stuff I'd like you to experience and then we'll do them. Rose, Em and Bella can add theirs as well. You'd have veto power over anything on the list, but only after hearing the reasoning as to why that person thought you should do it."

"Can we keep it just between us for the first day or so?"

"Absolutely."

'What kinds of things would you put on the list?"

"Oh no, you'll have to trust me. I'll write them up, but they stay secret until you pull one out of the bucket."

"So, there will be an actual bucket?"

"How about a box? I got a bunch of different boxes today from the shoot."

"Trust you, huh? Okay, I guess I'm in."

I gave him a huge smile. "Ready to walk home? I'm just gonna leave the truck where it's at."

"Sure."

Emmett was playing Halo when we got back and Edward joined him.

I spent the couple of hours writing _all_ the experiences I wanted Edward to have. I put the 'safe-to-be-seen' ones in the box and put the others in my journal.

One day, when he was ready, I wanted to play a more private version of this game.

I woke up the next morning to find Edward gone. There was a note on my pillow.

_Jazz – _

_Had a great time yesterday, added some things to the bucket list after you were asleep. I cheated a little and drew one of mine out. _

_Today, I am taking you on a date. Keep your swim trunks on after surfing. _

_See you later this morning._

_-E_

**A/N **Sorry for ending it here, but Jasper and Edward's day of fun will be the next chapter.

Any guesses where Edward will be taking Jasper? What music is a "must" for E to experience? Guesses on what's on Edward's Bucket List or better yet the private list Jazz has for E? Send them to me and I'll do my best to include them in the story.

Reviews will get you a sneak peak of E's date plans with J

Recs – The Slash/Backslash contest is going on now. Please read the entries and review. I know from personal experience what it means to get feedback for a contest story.


	7. Chapter 7 Planning Perfectly

A/N - If you sent me a review, you probably got this, but links to the sport Edward is taking Jasper on is on my profile page. I got to watch the US Surfing open in Huntington Beach AND lots of Kite - boarding since I last posted. It's just awesome!

Sorry for the delay in the update. My kids have been sick and my aunt went into the hospital. If you follow me on Twitter you know my computer crashed. (Can you hear the whine)

Much thanks to Siobhan'x who once again is the queen of all betas. Thank you as always to my pre-readers Loca37 and CherBella, I got so much great feedback and it's SO MUCH better because of them. This is a really long chapter, so hopefully that will ease the blow of my tardiness.

As always, Stephanie Meyer would hate what I'm doing to her characters, but I am head over heels in love with them (you will be too after this chapter)

**Chapter 7 Planning Perfectly**

EPOV

Yesterday was great. I. Kissed. Jasper. Hale. It wasn't a curious kiss or even an overly passionate one. I wanted to kiss him and I did. It was okay, better than okay. The world didn't end, I'm not freaked out. Yesterday was great,; really, really great.

Jasper wanted to put together a bucket list of new things for me to experience. Bella had come up with the idea, the first day I got here. I blew it off then, but it appeared everyone around me was conspiring for me to let go a little.

I was much more comfortable with my ability to control or influence situations. The discipline I employed to ensure 'variables' were planned for, allowed me to be a better student and a better seminarian.

I hated surprises. I learned the hard way from Alice's death to be prepared for anything. I should have known what she and Riley were up to, if I had, she would she be here today.

I never made big decisions quickly and a little taken back by how easy the decision ended up being for me.. While I wasn't sure of much these days, for whatever reason, I trusted Jasper Hale and I did the most un-Edward-Masen thing to do, I agreed to the 'bucket list'.

After walking on the beach with Jasper last night, I was a little nervous when we finally got to Bella's house. When Emmett asked if I wanted to play Halo, I may have extended the game until early hours of the morning. I wasn't sure what it was going to be like with just Jazz and I in the room, at night, alone. I shamelessly avoided it as long as I could.

When I finally went to bed, he was already sleeping, so I indulged in watching him sleep for a while. I don't think I could ever get tired of simply watching him breathe in and out. He was so peaceful like this. I ran my fingers through his blond locks and he sighed, simultaneously causing my heart to constrict and me to smile. It was easier to give into my instincts to care for him when no one, including him, was watching.

I put my pajama bottoms and was looking for my tank top when I saw the box on the dresser. _My own forbidden apple._

Out of curiosity, I opened it and found a lot little folded squares of paper – the bucket list. I knew I shouldn't, but I opened one.

_Take a ride up the coast on a Harley__._

I wasn't sure what I was expecting, but that wasn't it_. I've never ridden a motorcycle_.

Without a second thought, I opened another.

_Bungee Jump__._

"_VETO,"_ screamed in my head. I wondered how Jasper was going to justify that crazy idea.

I heard him turn over. It startled me back into the fact that I was almost caught with my hand in the cookie jar. I refolded the squares of paper and closed the box back up.

I wasn't sure how this bucket list thing was going to work, but I decided to feed the box with my own wish-list experiences.

_Plan and go out on a date with Jasper_

_Play the piano for fun._

_Apologize to Mom and Dad, for not protecting Alice._

_Try one new thing a day._

_Tell Mom and Dad I love them._

_Apologize to Fr. Carlisle for not being a better a better man and seminarian._

_Dance in that club the boy in the bar was talking about to Jasper about._

_Talk to Bella about what's going on with me._

_Figure out what my "surfing" is._

_Do one stupid thing this week._

_Seek advice from others._

_Talk to people and read more about homosexuality._

_Kiss Jasper everyday._

I wasn't sure if this is what Jasper meant, but it was all I could come up with. I carefully cut each item, folded it and put it in the box with Jasper's. It's not like I couldn't tell which were his and which were mine, but I did it.

Sleep wouldn't come, as my list bounced around in my head_. Why leave the choice to fate?_ I decided that I would take the initiative and start checking things off my list. I fished out the "Plan and go out on a date with Jasper" item.

I knew exactly what I wanted to do. I had spent so much time at the beach in the last week, it was hard to miss all the other water sports going on in the ocean. I wasn't sure if Jasper had done this, but it seemed liked the perfect way to inaugurate my bucket list.

I set my cell phone's alarm and grabbed a couple hours of sleep. Jasper was still asleep when I dragged myself out of bed. I ran my fingers through his hair before running to the kitchen for a piece of paper and pen.

_Jazz –_

_Had a great time yesterday, added some things to the bucket list after you were asleep. I cheated a little and drew one of mine out. _

_Today, I am taking you on a date. Keep your swim trunks on after surfing. _

_See you later this morning._

_-E_

I slipped into my board shorts, threw on a sweatshirt and grabbed a towel before placing the note on his pillow.

I headed to the beach to put everything together; church would have to wait this morning.

I quickly found who I was looking for and asked for some help. I had met Amun earlier in the week. I felt a little guilty, because he was a parishioner, but he didn't seem to mind one way or the other.

Amun showed me how the harnesses worked and the basics on how to steer using the pull on the tow rope in the sand. He finally fitted my feet into the board. I bent my knees and let the wind pull the kite in front of me. It was a mix of surfing, skateboarding, waterskiing and kiting. It was thrilling.

It took me several tries, but I finally got the hang of it. I watched the other guys in the water dragged then and twenty feet into the air, but I was just happy to master turning.

I couldn't wait to see Jasper's reaction. I had never done anything like this and I hoped he hadn't either.

I learned as much as I could in two hours. I thanked Amun for the impromptu lessons. Then I headed back to the house after making reservations with the vendor he suggested for later that afternoon.

I got back a couple of minutes before Jasper.

"Hey, Jazz. How was surfing this morning?"

"It was great, the water was really calm, I headed back down to HB again."

"Cool, you ready for our date?"

"Damn, boy, you just jump right into it, don't you? Do I have time to shower?" He asked with a smirk.

"You can, but we're just going to breakfast and then getting back in the water, so it's up to you."

"Okay. Just some place casual, then?"

"Yeah, I thought we'd head to Schooner or Later. Bella and I went there last week."

"Perfect, let's roll."

Our breakfast overlooking the water was terrific. It was so hard to stay in the moment when all I wanted to do was see the look on Jazz's face when he saw what we were doing this afternoon. I really wanted to surprise and be at least a little good at this. I hoped all of Amun's lessons this morning would pay off.

"This was a great idea, I love coming here, thanks Edward."

I smiled at him and reached over placed my hand over his without thinking.

We both looked down at our joined hands for an awkward moment, before I pulled my hand back.

"So, are we surfing this afternoon?"

"Um, kinda," I answer vaguely.

"Ooooookay. Specifically, what are we doing then? He challenged with a curious smile.

"You'll see soon enough, but prepare to be dazzled."

He broke out in a full grin. "Dazzled, huh? You sure you can live up to that kinda hype?"

I raised both eyebrows and chuckled. "Well, now that you mention it, I guess if you can't handle it, you might not be dazzled. There is a certain amount of skill involved."

He snorted. "Oh, I'm sure I'll be able to keep up."

"We'll see." I retorted, as the waitress set our food down.

"Can I get you gentlemen anything else?"

"Yeah, can you bring the flavored vanilla creamer y'all keep inside?"

"Sure, honey." She responded, returning with a bowl of the creamers before leaving to take care of her other tables.

"Since when do you take cream in your coffee, Jazz?"

"I don't, but you do. I know you would use the stuff they had on the table, but when you have a choice I noticed you choose that vanilla shit."

_Huh_. I bit the inside of my cheek, so I wouldn't smile too widely, too bad I could do anything about my heart beating out of my chest.

We ate in companionable silence until our plates were empty.

"So, you added to the bucket list, huh?"

"Yeah, I'm not sure if it's what you're looking for, but I added some things."

"It's not a test Edward, it isn't about preparing and excelling. It's about trying and probably failing. It's about learning and living."

"I don't fail."

"We all fail. Some of my most favorite memories came from screwing up. Haven't you ever gotten deliberately lost, just to figure out where you're going?"

_Huh?_ "No, why would you do that when there's map quest and GPS?"

Jazz just shook his head and laughed at me. _What?_

He deliberately changed the subject. "So, any hints about later?"

It was my turn to shake my head. "Not a chance, Jasper."

I checked the time and was excited it was time to go. I signaled the waitress for the check and handed her a couple of twenties without looking at the bill.

"Let's go, drive down to Belmont Shore, okay?"

"Sure, you're the boss."

We pulled up and I walked him to the jet ski rentals tent.

"Is this what we're doing, Edward?"

I just smiled, before addressing the kid behind the register.

"Amun called earlier for me." I stated, but it came out sounding more like a question.

"Yeah dude, you must be Fr. Eddie, right?" _Awkward._

"Um, kind of. I am Edward."

"Cool. My man Christian is going to set you up. You're cool, but I heard your friend will need some help."

I heard rustling behind me. "No, that's okay dude, I own several water toys, I'll be fine. In my line of work I've had the opportunity to play on these a lot." Jasper answered cockily.

_Oh no__,__ he didn't!_

I smiled and winked at the kid so he knew to play along.

"Really, are you like a captain of a boat or something?" The kid asked in a snotty tone, not impressed with Jasper at all.

"Actually, I surf."

"So, do I," he responded without looking up from his paperwork.

"I surf professionally."

The kid looked up, curious at this point, while I waited for the next round in the pissing contest in front of me. "What's your name?"

"Jasper Hale." _Could he be more arrogant_?

"No shit!" He screamed. "Christian, Jasper fucking Hale is out here!"

Another kid, apparently Christian, came out with two other boys and three girls.

It took a half hour of autograph signing and surf story trading before we were walked back to the kite-boarding area in the back of the tent.

Jasper looked at me in awe. "Is this what we're doing?"

I chuckled, "I was, until you mouthed off and your fan club started Twittering your location."

He had the decency to look embarrassed. "I've always wanted to try this. This is the coolest fucking thing ever!"

My heart swelled at his enthusiasm.

"Wait, what the fuck? Did he say you didn't need any lessons? Do you know how to do this?"

I shrugged. "Sure you'll be able to keep up, Jazz?"

"Fuck, yeah!"

We both sat through Christian's tutorial on how to hold the rope pull and how to turn. The wind had picked up since this morning and I was a little nervous again.

"I'm surprised you haven't done this before."

"I've always wanted to. I've para-sailed in Mexico, but I was really drunk, so I'm not sure that counts. I've sail-boarded a couple of times, but it never did anything for me. This is the shit though."

We got harnessed in on the sand and let the huge kite pull us out into the water. I got right up and did a mental fist pump as Jasper ate it. I knew it wasn't nice, but after struggling to get up on the surf board last week, it was great to have this little win.

I looked back as Christian was giving Jasper some more advice. Soon enough he was out on the water with me.

"Best fuckin' date ever!" He screamed as we passed in the surf about fifteen feet away from each other.

I continued to master the back and forth motion of the kite and could turn relatively seamlessly within about two hours. I was so proud of myself.

When I looked over to see if Jasper had mastered all the skills Christian had showed us, I was dumbfounded to see him lean back away from the kite and allowing it to lift him ten feet into the air as he performed some skateboarding trick of curling his legs and pulling the board to his waist.

I shook my head and laughed_. Of_ _course, he's doing tricks already._

I went through the steps and turned, as the kite caught the air and pulled me in the other direction giving me an opportunity to watch Jasper. He was totally in his own little world as he leaned back and dipped the top of his head in the water to draw the hair away from his face.

I was surprised to see he had removed some of the harnesses. It seemed to give me more ability to move. I looked to the shore and wasn't surprised to Jasper was drawing a crowd again. I smirked. _He's mine._

As soon as the thought came into my head I bobbled the rope pull and fell into the water as the kite dropped in front of me.

Christian yelled from shore, "You okay, Fr. Eddie?"

I gave him a thumb up, as he pointed to his wrist. _It must be time. _I nodded again and headed to shore pulling the heavy, wet kite in with me.

Christian met me and helped me pull in the kite as I released myself from all the clips and straps.

Apparently it was only time for me to come in, because Jasper continued to fly over the waves.

Christian watched Jasper in obvious admiration, "How do you know Jasper Hale?"

I contemplated how to answer it, and then went with the simplest explanation. "He's the brother of my best friend's roommate."

"He's awesome."

"Yes, he is." I agreed. _And mine._

"Hey, how come I had to come out of the water and he didn't?" I asked teasingly.

"Dude, you don't ever pull Jasper Hale off the waves - that's sacrilegious."

I snorted at his terminology. "I guess so," I said, as Jasper was pulled at least fifteen feet in the air yelling "whoooo -hooo".

It took Jazz another twenty minutes to realize I wasn't in the water before he guided his kite to pull him to shore. _Of course he'd finish perfectly like that_.

Christian ran up to him and said, "Dude, you were a fucking rock-star out there!" He started rolling up the kite as Jasper released himself from the rest of his bonds. He hadn't stopped smiling since he got into the water.

He walked towards me as he ran his fingers through his hair, shaking the extra salt water out. I swallowed involuntarily.

"Did you have fun?"

He bit his lip and just laughed. "Fuck yeah."

He watched Christian collect the rest of the gear and grabbed a bottle of water.

"Ready to go?"

"Yeah."

We walked side by side, as the tension built slowly between us. I was nervous that something wasn't right.

As soon as we got in the truck, I turned to ask him, what was wrong and his lips crashed into mine. I froze for a split second.

"That was the hottest thing anyone has ever done for me," he growled at my lips. "Thank you."

I couldn't help smiling. "Really? You liked it?" I asked biting my lower lip as my ears got warmer.

He looked up into my eyes. "You have no idea, do you?"

"What?"

"Edward, you disarm me on a daily basis, but that…that was fucking amazing. I can't believe you did that for me. I wish I could show you exactly how you affect me."

"The happiness in your eyes is all the thanks I need." I answer cheerfully.

He gives me a predatory look, "One day soon, I promise to thank you properly."

My breath hitches at the same time my pants tighten.

"Hungry?" I asked weakly.

"Sure, I could eat. Where to?"

I stuttered for a moment. "I, I d-don't know. I didn't plan for anything after the kite-boarding."

Jasper got a wicked smile on his face. "I guess it's my turn then, right?"

"Sure?"

We pulled into In and Out and ordered two double-doubles animal style with french fries. I waited for the order as Jazz made some phone calls. We scarfed down the burgers, quicker than we should have and rolled out of the booth when we were done.

Jasper drove us back to Bella's and I headed towards the shower.

"Where you goin'?"

"Shower. Do you want one first?"

"No need, Edward. We're goin' back to the beach."

"What?"

"I told you, it's my turn. Grab a sweatshirt, and I'll get the rest."

"Jazz, I'm pretty wiped. Can we do this tomorrow?" I asked, whining a little.

"No fuckin' way. You told me I could have a turn." He told me grinning. Then he added in a softer tone, "We're running out of time, Edward."

It was the first time either of us acknowledged the temporary nature of our relationship. He was going to Costa Rica next week for a competition and I was expected back at the seminary. I smiled sadly.

"I did promise, didn't I? You gonna make me sorry I did that?" I teased, changing the tone of our conversation.

"Well, let's just you can keep up like I did this afternoon." _And, he's back._

"What's on the agenda?"

He shook his head. "You didn't show me yours, now you're gonna have to wait for me to show you mine. It's gonna be pretty mellow though, so no worries."

I watched from the couch as he filled a cooler full of a lot of food, beer and soda. "Can I help you with anything?"

"Nope, got it covered."

I must have fallen asleep, because I groggily woke up with Jazz's fingers in my hair. I hummed in appreciation. "That feels good."

"Yes, it does," he responded in a husky, gravelly low voice.

"Sorry I dozed off."

"Don't be. You deserved a nap. I'm still riding the high of this afternoon."

I placed hand over his in my hair and laced his fingers with mine. "Do we have to have to go out tonight? I'm feeling pretty lazy and I'm reeeeally comfortable right here." I said, trying to pull him down on the couch next to me.

I could see the unspoken battle in his head. _I think we're staying in tonight._

"Sorry Edward, we're meeting people, and we're late. We've got to go."

I gave an exaggerated sigh. "Okay, lead the way."

We headed down south down PCH and turned into Bolsa Chica State Beach.

The sky was just turning colors as the sun continued its decent over the horizon. We drove back past several lifeguard towers before he parked between an RV and a trailer of some sort.

He grabbed the two chairs out of the back of the truck and I followed him as he walked towards the water.

"Hey guys!" I heard Bella yell from the bonfire in front of us. I looked up, surprised to see Emmett, Rose, Jake and Bella sitting around the fire.

"'Bout fucking time, Jazz. What the hell? You called two hours ago to see if we wanted to meet down here."

He looked from Emmett over to me. "Edward fell asleep on the couch." _He just threw me under the bus. Well, I'm not going to explain to Emmett how I tried to get him to stay in tonight._

I just shrugged. "I didn't know we were on a time schedule."

"You bring the food, lil' bro?"

"It's in the back of the truck." Jasper looked over at Jake. "How did Quil get this prime pit and all this wood so fast?"

Jake was practically preening. "The dumbass was still begging for a pit when Bella and I got here. I just flipped a those kids a Benjamin, threw out two shirts from the new line and bought this pit."

I looked away so I could roll my eyes

"Thanks, dude," Jasper responded.

Emmett fist bumped Jake. "You're the fucking man."

"Emmett, get your ass over here and get this shit out of the back of Jasper's truck." Rose yelled from the parking lot.

"Coming, dear," he deadpanned back.

"Not, the way you're going tonight." She retorted.

We all started laughing as we heard Emmett whine, "Come on Rosie, baby. You know I'm kidding."

Bella got up to help Rose set up the food table, as a more subdued Emmett passed out the red plastic cups of beer.

We sat around the fire and laughed and traded stories. Emmett grabbed a couple of bottles of beer to refill cups as he placed Jasper's iPod on the docking station of the stereo on the food table. We were serenaded by the classic rock playlist, as the The Eagles, Neil Young, Creedance Clearwater, The Steve Miller Band, The Rolling Stones and Cheap Trick played in the background.

"Dinner's set up. Grab your stick to cook the hot dogs." Bella called out.

Jake was up first and pulled the iPod off the docking station.

"What the fuck, Jake? Put it back." Jasper threatened.

"Come on dude, this is old fart music. Don't you have any Jay Z on this thing?"

"You don't fuck with the classics. Put. It. Back."

Jake scrolled through the playlists. "What's this one called 'Beach'?"

Jasper nodded and opening chords of The Mama and Papa's _Hotel California_ lofted over the roar of the bonfire.

"Now we're talking!" Emmett exclaimed.

We continued chatting as we feasted on s'mores after drinking most of the beer and eating all the chips and the hot dogs. I sat next to Jasper as everyone else cuddled up with their other halves around the fire.

Jasper got a little smudge of chocolate on the corner of his mouth so I reached up and wiped it off. Jasper smiled. I hadn't thought about it, until I caught the look Rose shot Jasper.

"Jasper, get off your ass and help me pack up some of this shit in your truck." Jasper and Rose walked away and started putting stuff away as Bob Marley's _No Woman No Cry_ started.

Bella crawled out of Jake's arms and into mine. I grabbed the extra blanket still folded on the corner of the one we were sitting on and wrapped it around us. I thought about my bucket list and wanted her to know how much all of this meant to me. It seemed that so many of the good things in my life stemmed from her in one way or another. Memories of Alice, my friendship with Emmett and Rose, this night, Jasper - all of it, was linked to her.

I whispered in her ear. "This reminds me of our blanket forts in the family room with the fireplace on. You're the best friend a guy could ever have. I love you." She nuzzled into my cheek.

When we broke out of our bubble, we were met with Jasper's questioning eyes, Jacob's pissed off eyes, Rose's bitch brow and Emmett's amused eyes.

"What?" We said together before looking at each other giggling.

Bella crawled back over to Jake. He held her tightly, and began nibbling on her neck as I looked away.

"Jasper brought his guitar." Rose announced.

Bella clapped. "Are you going to play for us, Jazz?"

I looked up at him questioningly. _How come I didn't know he played the guitar?_

"No, not tonight, it's been a long day."

"Oh, poor Jasper, Beach Bunnies chase you down the beach and wear you out?" Emmett teased.

"You should have seen them the other day at the photo shoot!" Jake interrupted as Jasper visibly stiffened next to me.

"What happened at the photo shoot?" I asked.

"Nothing." Jasper quickly answered quickly, shooting Jake a look.

"Not nothing," Emmett asked as his eyes lit up with mischief. "What happened, Jake?"

Jake looked over in apology to Jasper before continuing, "It was entirely my fault."

"It was just a stupid photo shoot. I can play something. What do you want to hear?"

I wondered what was going on, but it looked like Jasper didn't want to talk about it.

"Fuck that, I've heard you play, I want to know about the beach bunnies and shit," Emmett pushed playfully. "Jake?"

Jake clearly wanted to spill. "I totally fucked up. I tried to set Jasper up with the photographer."

Rose was suddenly as interested in the conversation as was I. "Was he cute, Jake?"

I sat up waiting for an answer. "I don't know, Rose. He was a guy and was interested in Jazz. The models were hot and they were interested in him too, but we all know Jazz doesn't roll that way."

Jasper squirmed uncomfortably as Rose smirked. "What possessed you to set him up? I didn't think you or Em noticed anything unless there were tits involved."

Jake and Em fist bumped again. "True dat." Emmett answered.

"We went out for dinner the other night and there was some guy hitting on Jasper. I figured he was back to man-whoring, or what-ever it is you call it, so I thought I'd help a brother out."

Before I could stop it, the words rolled out of my mouth, incredulously. "That's fucked up." _How dare he!_

Bella mouth dropped, Jasper stared wide-eyed and Rose snorted. "Priest-boy just dropped an F-Bomb!"

Jake, unfazed, continued, "Jasper set me straight." He looked over to Jasper, "You know I'm sorry, right, bro?"

Jazz nodded, but looked angry.

"So, whatcha gonna play for us, lover boy?" Emmett asked, handing him his guitar.

Rose got up and turned off the iPod.

"What do you want to hear?"

No one came up with a suggestion.

"Okay, I've got one."

All that could be heard over the fire was Jasper's guitar and low voice singing _Light My Fire_ by The Doors. He faced the fire towards Emmett, Rose, Jake and Bella. It gave me the opportunity to watch him, unguarded.

_You know that it would be untrue _

___You know that I would be a liar _

___If I was to say to you _

___We couldn't get much higher _

___Come on baby, light my fire _

___Come on baby, light my fire _

___Try to set the night on fire _

__

_The time to hesitate is through _

___No time to wallow in the mire _

___Try now we can only lose _

___And our love become a funeral pyre _

___Come on baby, light my fire _

___Come on baby, light my fire _

___Try to set the night on fire, yeah _

__

_The time to hesitate is through _

___No time to wallow in the mire _

___Try now we can only lose _

___And our love become a funeral pyre _

___Come on baby, light my fire _

___Come on baby, light my fire _

___Try to set the night on fire, yeah…_

His voice was velvety and raw and affected me on a primal level. _Is he playing for me?_

At first I thought he might have been playing for me, but then Jasper, Emmett and Bella did a hilarious duet of _That's What I like About_ _You _by the Knack. Then Rose and Jasper floored all of us with a hauntingly emotional version of Jeff Buckley's _Hallelujah._ I wanted nothing more than to just touch him and let him know that I was listening.

Jasper just played while Emmett and Jake did their rendition of _Blue Suede Shoes_ by Elvis. It was wrong and funny on so many different levels, especially when Emmett started swiveling his hips.

"Okay, Eddie, you're the only one who hasn't sung. What are you gonna sing for us, priest-boy?"

I bristled at Jake's use of Rose's nick name. "I don't sing."

Jake snorted. "Clearly Emmett doesn't either, but that didn't stop him."

"Edward doesn't have to sing if he doesn't want to. God knows we all wish Emmett would have stopped while he was ahead!

"I'm gonna play one more, then I've got to hit the hay.

"Sing along if you know it. It's an old John Michael Montgomery song, but All-4-One did a popular cover of it."

My breath hitched and my eyes immediately began to tear as I looked to Bella when I recognized the song.

_I swear, by the moon and the stars in the sky_

___and I swear like the shadow that's by your side_

__

_I see the questions in your eyes_

___I know what's weighing on your mind_

___You can be sure I know my part_

___Cause I stand beside you through the years_

___You'll only cry those happy tears_

___And though I make mistakes_

___I'll never break your heart__  
_

Bella and I surprised everyone, but Jasper with the chorus.

_And I swear by the moon_

___And the stars in the sky I'll be there_

___I swear like the shadow that's by your side I'll be there_

___For better or worse_

___Till death do us part_

___I'll love you with every beat of my heart_

___And I swear_

I couldn't remember the next verse, but Bella continued with Jasper as I listened in awe and gratitude.

_I'll give you everything I can__**  
**__I'll build your dreams with these two hands  
We'll hang some memories on the wall  
And when just the two of us are there  
You won't have to ask if I still care  
Cause as the time turns the page  
My love won't age at all_

I picked up the chorus with Bella as Jasper quieted again.

__  
_And I swear by the moon_

___And the stars in the sky I'll be there _

___I swear like the shadow that's by your side_

___I'll be there _

__

_For better or worse _

___Till death do us part_

___I'll love you with every beat of my heart_

___And I swear_

__

_And I swear by the moon_

___And the stars in the sky I'll be there _

___I swear like the shadow that's by your side_

___I'll be there _

__

_For better or worse _

___Till death do us part I'll love you_

___With every single beat of my heart._

Bella and I belt out the last part loud and off key.

_And IIIIIIIIII Swear._

"How'd you know?" She whispered to Jasper as Emmett and Jake looked on.

"Edward told me the other night. My parents used to listen to the John Michael Montgomery version when we lived in Texas though." He answered as he looked over to a teary eyed Rose, who reached over and squeezed his hand.

"Thank you." I told him, putting my hand on his other one for an extended moment. He simply nodded.

"It's getting late and I've got work tomorrow. You've got a test tomorrow, right, babe?" Bella nodded at Jake. "We're outta here. Thanks, Jazz,. I was a great night, dude."

"We're gonna take off too. Edward, do you need a ride?"

I looked over at Jasper and shook my head. "Nah, I'll help Jasper clean up." See ya later.

We cleaned up the site as the lifeguard drove by to tell us it was time to close camp.

"Oh, sorry sirs, I didn't see you were campers. Have a great night."

We cleaned up the rest of the food and tore down the fold up table.

"The site is all cleaned up, you ready to go?"

"Not yet. You want to sit for a minute?"

Without giving him a verbal answer, I sat down on the blanket next to the slowly dying campfire. He sat next to me.

I stared into the dancing flames contemplatively. "Tonight was perfect, Jazz, thanks for everything."

He smiled and nodded, "You're the one who took me kite-boarding, mother-fucker, I should be thanking you."

"Yeah, that was pretty cool. I've never done anything like that, but it looked like something you would like to do."

"You're killing me, you know. This isn't the way this was supposed to go_."_

"Huh?" I asked defensively, wondering what I did.

"I spent a lot of last night coming up with things for your bucket list and you turn the fucking tables and take me on the perfect date. What the hell, boy?"

I grinned. "It was fun. I just wanted to share something with you like you shared surfing with me."

"How do you do that? It's the simple things you say to me that just break me."

I couldn't resist. "You do the same for me, you know? You got me vanilla creamer for my coffee this morning. I don't think I've ever pointed it out, but you noticed. You cared enough to notice. You took care of me. I'm the one who usually takes care of people."

"I like taking care of you, Edward. You deserve that and so much more." He told me, as he ghosted my jaw with the back of his knuckles, causing me to shiver.

"I'm scared, Jazz. This is all new to me. It's like I never knew this," motioning to the space between us, "existed, but now, it's all I think about. I'm like a fish out of water, here. I want to be okay with this, I'm just not sure how to get there."

"I'm scared too. I never really bothered to take the time to notice what was important to another person, except maybe Rose. I didn't really think about it until I said it, but I do like taking care of you.

"I don't know if it came from us being friends first, but I do think about your needs first. You're not a conquest or a game to me, and believe me when I say _that's_ a first.

"I think I'd wait forever for you, but that's kinda the thing, we don't have that much time, do we?"

"No, we don't. I didn't even call Fr. Carlisle today."

"Edward, I'm not going to push you. But, I need you to know, for me, this is more than what's going on between us."

I looked at him, confused.

"You've got to make this huge decision and while it effects me, because you're part of my life now, it's about more than me and our two weeks on the beach."

He paused, took a deep breath and continued. "You've been… No, let me rephrase that, it seems to me, that you've been going through the motions of life, but never really living it."

I started to argue, but he put up his hand, silently asking to continue.

I quieted down. I watched as he battled his own thoughts in his head.

"This isn't really my thing. I don't stay around long enough to find out things about people, but like I said, you've been different for me from the beginning.

"Where I've always questioned everything, you don't seem to question anything. You just perfect whatever path you're on. But, where was the self exploration?

"THAT is what the bucket list is all about. Bella saw it, but maybe she's too close to really see you. I'm not sure, to be honest."

"I don't get it, Jazz. Don't you see me trying? I took you on a date today. What more do you want from me?" I frustratingly aargued.

He scooted back and wrapped his body around mine, hugging me from behind. "Let me take care of you. Trust me.

"I loved our date. It was perfect, but that's what you do, right, plan perfectly? I don't want you to think I don't appreciate it. You'll never know just how much it means to me that you did that. I've been on my own for a long time, but I'm having a hard time picturing my life without you at this point.

"I was already invested with you, but now, I guess you could say I'm all in. So, with everything on the line, let me make this about you. Give that to me. No tit for tat. I'm fully aware this may not go my way, because fuck me if I don't see what an incredible priest you could be."

Tears were silently trailing down my cheeks, as he held me closer. _I love Jasper Hale._

I was lost in the unspoken acceptance of his words and my feelings when I heard snickering from the parking lot.

"Fricking faggots. That's so disgusting."

Jasper stood up from behind me as the two kids ran away.

"Sorry."

"What do you have to be sorry about? They're the ignorant ones."

"Yeah, but I'm used to that and I'm sure you're not."

"But that's the point, you shouldn't have to be used to it. We weren't doing anything inappropriate."

"The world doesn't work like that, Edward. There's always gonna be some stupid asshole who feels like it's his right to say shit."

"It doesn't make it right though."

"So… back to what I was saying. Do you trust me?"

The mood had definitely changed since those guys walked by. I could see the gleam in Jasper's eyes. It felt like he was asking me a loaded question.

"In theory, I guess."

Jasper smirked. "Good, because we're not going back to the house tonight."

"Okay. Where are we going?"

"Nowhere, we're sleeping here.

I looked around at the empty beach. _Night surfing?_

"Why? Isn't it going to be cold?"

He reached around behind me, pulling me back flush against him and whispered in my ear. "Are you cold now?"

I closed my eyes and shook my head no.

He let go. "And you won't be tonight either." He picked up the blanket in one hand and threw sand on the fire with the other. Finally, the fire died out.

I followed him back to the truck. _We're gonna sleep in the truck?_

He opened the driver's side door and grabbed a set of keys from the dashboard. _I guess we're sleeping in the back of the truck bed. He had better of brought sleeping bags._ The thought of sleeping under the stars with Jasper wasn't entirely abhorrent to me.

I walked to the back of the truck lost in my thoughts only to be surprised not to find him there.

"Jasper? Jaaaasper!" I called. The thought of those stupid boys coming back and grabbing him paralyzed me for a moment.

"What the hell, Edward? Shut up, it's after hours."

_Huh?_ "Jasper, where are you?" I whispered loudly.

I saw the lights from the RV parked next to Jasper's truck go on, as the side door swung open.

"Welcome to mi casa." He declared, with a wave worthy of Vanna White.

"This is yours? I asked, dumbfounded.

"Yeah, that's kinda what I just said," he responded teasingly." At least it's my home away from home during competition season in the states."

"You don't just fly and stay in hotels?"

"Sometimes, but I like having my own things around me, so over the years, I've gone to an RV for the convenience."

"Why stay at Rose's then? Just to visit?" I wondered out loud.

He put his head down, then looked up at me. "It's actually my house."

"What?"

"Well, I own it and they rent from me."

"I thought Rose owned it. Wait, am I staying in YOUR room?"

"No, it's the guest bedroom. Rose maintains all my properties and investments for me."

"All your properties and investments." I repeated. "There are more?"

"Um, yeah. I make good money on the circuit, but the endorsements are crazy money."

"But you drive a truck." I said stupidly.

"I like my truck. It gets me from place to place." He shrugs.

"Why _are_ you staying with Rose and Bella?"

He flinched and then added gingerly, "My house in Manhattan Beach is being re-done."

Uh, huh.

"So what do you think of this?" he asks, in an obvious attempt to move off the topic of his extensive assets.

"It's great."

"Good, because it's gonna be our house for the next couple of days."

My eyes locked with his.

"What do you mean, Jazz?"

"You trust me, at least in theory, right?" He smirks, throwing my words back in my face.

"Yeah." I stated without hesitation.

"I brought the box."

"The bucket list box?"

"Yep. We've got two days of nothing but your bucket list. Your life is in my hands, now, Edward."

"I'm not scared of you, you know?"

"Well," he snickered, "You really shouldn't have said that, you know."

**A/N** So I'm ending this long ass chapter here. A lot happened in this chap, please tell me what you're thinking and leave me a review. We're just now getting to the good stuff folks! I'm considering doing an outtake of Bella/Jake/Rose/Em's reactions to the bonfire, let me know if you'd like their perspective.

Final note on contests/awards – I've learned a lot about slash, since starting this fic, but what has struck me more than anything is how incredibly supportive this community is.

I know I pimped out the slash/backslash contest last chapter. Voting is now open. (I _almost _submitted an o/s, but found I SUCK at writing two stories at the same time.) http(colon)/www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/u/2110516/Slash_Backslash# There are some AMAZING entries, please give them their due and vote. First round voting ended August 22nd.

The Slash Awards are open for voting as well. http:/theslashawards(dot)blogspot(dot)com/


	8. Chap 8 We're Not Talking About My Truck

**A/N **– So I uber suck for making you wait this long for an update. It was a bad month for me, personally. This represents the third version of this chapter, but thanks to my wonderful pre-readers Loca37 & CherBella and super fabulous betas Siobhan'x & Savannah_Vee, I have something truly wonderful to share with you. I cut 2K in words out of this chapter and it will become Chapter 9 which will come out VERY soon.

Speaking of which, I am so happy that Savannah_Vee agreed to become a part of Team AoG. If you aren't reading her Uncomfortable, go and read it NOW. This update will be here when you're done screaming at her sexy Doucheward.

A special HAPPY BIRTHDAY wish goes out to ChefJayla who was my Twitter Pre-Reader for this chapter.

As always, Stephanie Meyer would hate what I'm doing to her characters, but I am head over heels in love with them.

**Chapter 8 We're Not Talking About My Truck**

I gave Edward the tour of the RV. It was my pride and joy. A year ago I decided I was done with living out of a suitcase and Jake suggested an RV. I kind of balked at the idea, all I could think of was old people eating franks and beans and those weird RV parks that smell funny. This was not that kind of RV. It was nicer than a lot of homes I had been to: granite counter tops, cherry cabinets, a washer and dryer, full kitchen, shower, three TVs and satellite for both the TV and internet. It used to be some rock-star's touring RV, so it also came tricked out with every video game ever made and a great sound system. I absolutely loved it.

Edward was more than a little overwhelmed.

"This is great, Jazz. We're staying here tonight?"

I figured he noticed that there was only one bedroom.

"If you want," I answered quietly.

I watched Edward take it all in.

"No, it's okay. This is great, Jazz."

I smiled. "You already said that. We could go back to Rose's, it's not too late, you know."

"You mean _your_ house?" He retorted a little too abruptly for my taste.

I raised my eyebrows. "No, I mean Rose and Bella's _home_. Where _they_ live."

Edward seemed lost in his thoughts.

"I'm sorry, Jazz. This is just a lot. I'm the thirteenth child of fifteen children. We were never hungry, but there wasn't ever any extra money either. I got a scholarship to school, but I still had to work for what little spending money I had. Now, I live in a seminary and up until two weeks ago I was ready to take a vow of poverty.

"I guess I knew that people lived like this, I just never figured I would know anyone who did."

"It's just money, Edward. I didn't grow up like this either. I've got people who handle it for me, most of my money is tied up in real estate because I don't live on much and don't really want to deal with it. I'm still the guy who drives a truck because all the stuff just fits better in it.

"This," I waved my hand around the cabin, "was a necessary evil, but I've grown to love it, and I won't apologize for it.

"We talked about letting each other in. This is a part of who I am, and how I live."

Edward seemed to absorb what I said. "So, do you have beer in that ridiculously big refrigerator of yours?" He asked with a smile.

"Sure as shit do!" I grabbed a beer for myself and handed him one. "Hey, you want to play Halo or something?"

He smiled and sat back in the captain's chairs in front of the 45" flat screen. "Only if you're ready to get your butt kicked."

I sat down in the other chair. "I'm not above kicking the ass of an almost-priest you know?"

"Too bad for you I'm re-thinking that option. I'm gonna take you down, Hale."

The words hung in the air, heavy with potential.

"Really?" I asked quietly.

He smiled. "Oh yeah, you're going down."

"Not that."

"I know, Jazz." He put down the controller and turned his captain's chair from the screen towards me. "How could I not re-think my plans? Everything has changed since I've met you. I still don't know what I'm going to do, but I'm really trying to be open-minded enough to include you in the options."

My heart was so full. _He fucking disarms me at every fucking turn._ I got up and pulled him out of the chair. I just wanted to give him a hug, but he surprised me and turned his face towards mine. I stared at those seaweed green eyes until they fluttered closed and I kissed him.

I wanted to show him that what he said, the feeling behind the words and the trust he was giving me meant everything. It started out to be a reverent kiss, a thankful kiss, but then I _felt_ him. He was hard against my leg, and I lost all my composure. I pulled him towards me, so our bodies were flush against each other. I stroked the outside of his lower lip with my tongue, requesting entrance, and fuck if he didn't give it to me.

We hadn't kissed like this in a week. I ran my hands down his back, holding him to me. He moaned in my mouth, making my hardened cock twitch against his. The memory of me sucking and swallowing him flashed though my brain. Just as I was ready to drop to my knees, he pulled away.

I went to grab his arm and pull him back, as he stepped away and turned his head away from me.

_Fucking hell!_

"Edward? I'm sorry. I know it's too soon for all of that. I really just wanted to give you a hug, but then you turned to me and…well, I got carried away," I babbled like a damn loon.

He was still turned away from me. His eyes always told me what was in his soul and it was killing me that I couldn't see them.

"I really am sorry. Edward, can you turn around and look at me?" I tried pulling him by the arm, but he stayed exactly where he was, so I let go and walked around to face him.

"Look at me, please," I asked, using my finger to lift up his head, which was facing the ground.

My heart felt like it was being ripped out of my chest. I watched as silent tears fell from Edward's beautiful eyes. _Holy hell, what have I done?_

"Please don't look at me," he whispered.

"Edward, this is my fault, I'm soooo sorry."

"It's not you, Jazz, it's me. I'm such a failure at this! I can't do anything right! I want this, or I think I do. I wanted to show you what you mean to me. I just got all caught up in the moment, then I froze. Why can't I do this? I'm just half a man, half a priest, and a total failure."

I went to hug him and he stiffened. "C'mere, just a hug. I promise."

He relaxed a bit in my arms. I held him quietly for a few minutes and allowed him to gather his thoughts while I mentally berated myself for being such a selfish asshole. This was supposed to be about him. I asked him for his trust and fucked it up less than thirty minutes into our last couple of days.

"You're not the failure, Edward, I am. I asked you to put your faith in me and trust me with your bucket list and then I go and screw it up because I'm a horny, selfish jackass."

"NO! I should be able to do this. I want to do this for you."

I smile sadly. "Edward, I want this more than you know, but I need you to want this for you too."

"I do!"

"But you're not ready. And that's really okay. You're still the same guy that took me on the most amazing date I've ever been on. You're still the guy that I think about night and day and the one who I sing horrid boy band songs to. You're also the very same one, whom I'm spending the next two days with, figuring as much of this shit out as we can."

After a few moments, he gave me a smile that put some of the shattered pieces of my heart back together. "You only sang it because it was a cover for that John Montgomery guy."

"You weren't listening to the words then."

I sang the second verse quietly in his ear. "_I'll give you everything I can, I'll build your dreams with these two hands, we'll hang some memories on the wall, and when just the two of us are there,  
you won't have to ask if I still care, cause as the time turns the page, my love won't age at all."_

"Jasper? I want you to know something. I want this for me too."

"So, let's figure this out together. At your pace, but in my arms."

We were both too emotionally wiped out to play video games. I had planned to share the king-size bed with no expectations. In light of what had just happened, I offered him the bedroom.

"No, Jazz, this is your RV. Where would you sleep?"

"The kitchen table converts to a queen size bed, it's really comfortable. Jake sometimes uses it when we're on the circuit and he can't drive."

I began pulling down the mattress and opening the closet where the sheets were kept.

Edward placed his hand over mine as I began to pull out the sheets.

"Was this what you planned for sleeping arrangements?"

"I didn't really have a plan. But, no, I figured the bed was big enough to share. I wasn't expecting anything though."

"And now you're sleeping out here because I'm such a mess?"

"Edward, it was always an option. I honestly had no expectations."

"Just come to bed, Jasper, it's your bed. Besides, I don't know what it would be like to not sleep in the same room with you anymore."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, come to bed." _I wish you really meant that._

We both lay very awkwardly on our backs, neither one wanting to be the first to roll away from the other.

I don't know when we finally fell asleep, but I woke up to his coppery hair tickling my chin. Sometime in the middle of the night, I had wrapped myself around him. I wasn't in the habit of waking up with someone in my arms, but the warmth I felt emanating from the inside out of me, spooning him, was something I wanted to get used to.

I held him just a little tighter. I memorized the way his hair smelled and how his even breathing calmed me. I knew what his face looked like from the hours I had spent watching his boyish, peaceful face while he slept, so many nights before this. _I love Edward Masen, for everything he is and tries to be. This is perfect. Fuck, please don't break my heart._

When his breathing picked up, I knew he was awake, but neither one of us changed positions. I wasn't going to let go until I had to, but knowing he was awake and not pulling away triggered my morning wood. After last night, the last thing I wanted was to set him off again, so I rolled away.

"Morning," he muttered sleepily.

"Good morning. I'm sorry about the way we ended up last night. I swear I didn't do it on purpose."

Edward rolled over to face me. "Don't be sorry. I'm not. I'm the one that should be sorry for last night. Everything was perfect until I freaked out."

"That's funny, I was just thinking how everything was perfect a couple of minutes ago."

"You want things I can't give you. You deserve those things. I _want _to give them to you. "

I sighed. "But you can't."

"But I _should_ be able to give you what's in my heart."

"You do. Yesterday was great. No one else has done something like that for me.

"Come on, let's head to the Huntington cliffs and do some surfing, we've got a drive ahead of us," I said, as I squeezed his shoulder and got out of bed.

"I'm going to miss the smell of the sea air in the morning."

_I'm gonna miss the smell of you in the morning._

"You know what goes best with that sea air smell? Coffee. I'm gonna make some before we head out," I yelled from the hallway.

I pulled out a mug and the vanilla creamer and placed them on the counter, as I grabbed my mug and headed out the door. There had already been too much emotion this morning and I was ready for the ocean to wash away my problems, even if it was just for a little while.

"It's beautiful this morning."

I smiled, hearing his voice behind me. "Yeah, this is the best part of my day," I replied.

"Thank you for sharing it with me. It's become the best part of mine too.

"Jazz?"

I turned away from the ocean and towards him, taking a sip of my black coffee. "Yeah?"

"I realized something last night."

I stiffened. "Let's not talk about last night anymore. We need to concentrate on today. I've got plans for your ass, Masen." _Shit, that didn't come out right_.

"It's important. I need to say this. To you." _He's leaving. I pushed him too far last night._

"Okaaay." _Don't_ _leave, give me these two days. Give us these two days, even if it's all we have left._

"After everyone left and it was just the two of us by the fire and you were holding me, I felt whole and complete. You see right through me and you care about me anyway.

"Jasper, I-I-I I love you. I don't know what I can promise, or if I can be who you deserve me to be, but I can tell you what's in my heart. I love you."

I refused to let the girly fucking tears in my eyes roll down my face. _He. Loves. Me._

"Shit, Edward, you would have to go and say the fucking most amazing three words on the planet to me. Are you _ever_ not perfect?"

He chuckled. "You know, I've been running through all the different ways to tell you in my head, since last night. I must have been prepared for twenty different scenarios, but I have to say, none of them included that remark." He smirked.

I was ridiculously happy. Babbling middle-school-first-crush-on-a-boy happy. "Ah, Mr. Masen, that's what you get for trying to plan. Planning and preparing are not on the menu for the next two days. Did you forget?" I teased.

"So I get nothing for my three _amazing_ words?" _Oh, you're gonna get something alright._

I walked the four steps to him very slowly, backing him up against the side of the RV. His teasing smile morphed into nervousness.

"Where's your truck?" He asked, as he fidgeted and dodged my eyes.

The question actually stopped me in my tracks. "What?"

"Your truck? We drove it here last night, it was here when we went into the RV, but it's not here now."

_Why the fuck are we talking about my truck?_

"The driver must have taken it," I dismissed.

"What driver? What if someone stole your truck?"

"We're not going to talk about my truck. Get the fifty different things that could have happened to my truck out of your head. I don't give a fuck about my truck right now," I said, as I took the final step towards him.

"But you love your truck-"

"We're. Not. Talking. About. My. Truck.

Now, about those three amazing words…"

"Where's your truck?" He asked with playful eyes.

I glared threateningly at him. "No."

"The other ones?" I nodded. "That was a three word question by the way," he teased smugly.

_Damn it! Does he want me to beg? Jasper Hale begs for no fucking man._

I remained silent as the tension built up between us. I put my hand up to his face and stared in his green eyes, as the familiar tingle shot through me. "Say it. Please."

"I love you, Jasper Hale. I don't know what that means or if it's enough, but-"

"Stop," I interrupted, as I locked eyes with him. "It's enough, it's everything." I tried to memorize everything about this moment, the stubble on his face, his jaw line, the adoration in his clear green eyes, the way he smelled of Edward and coffee against the moist sea air.

I took a deep breath. "It's everything, because I love you too. You've altered me in a way that I can never come back from. A way I never _want_ to come back from."

I saw tears fill his eyes up. _Good, I'm not the only pussy._

"We'll figure this out, I promise.

"Edward? I really fucking need to kiss you right now. Can I?"

I waited until I saw his head start to bob, and then I kissed him. I didn't push too hard, but I put everything I had been feeling into that kiss, the exhilaration of the kite surfing, the tenderness of the beach last night, my protectiveness over watching him break down, the apology for causing it, the passion I had always felt for him and the overriding love.

I pulled away, breathless and wanting. He seemed to have the same reaction. _Good, remember that. THAT is the way you deserve to be loved, every minute of every day. THAT is the way, only I love you._

He appeared to get his bearings a bit and I smirked at him. _Kissed the fuck out of you, huh?_

"Ready to hit the waves?"

He still looked a little dazed and I couldn't help smirking again.

"Edward!" I said, as he shook the cobwebs out of his head. "Are you ready to go?"

"Um, yeah."

We pulled the RV out of Bolsa Chica Beach and headed towards the cliffs. It had been a while since I had driven it and it was awfully fucking big. _God help us if I have to back up this mother fucker!_

The surfing was perfect. Edward was really getting the hang of it and it was so fun to watch.

I didn't know if he'd ever really give himself over to the waves the way you have to, but he got up almost every time. I wish he knew it was okay to fall, that I would be there, not to catch him, but to help brush him off and get back up again.

I motioned him in; we really needed to get on the road. We had a couple of hours of driving ahead of us. I had planned on having a driver drive us so we could just hang out in the back, but after last night, I changed my mind and decided to drive myself.

We headed south towards San Diego, and finally stopped in Oceanside for breakfast.

"Are we going to San Diego?"

"Not gonna tell you. Stop asking."

"Mexico? The border is only about an hour from here."

"Edward, we're not going to Mexico and that's all I'm saying about it." I said in frustrating tone, but, honestly, I was enjoying the shit out of this. _It's hard to plan for something you don't know about, isn't it?_

"Are you nervous? This is about letting go and enjoying. So enjoy already," I teased.

"Just tell me," he whined.

"Nope. All I'll tell you is that we're going to check some stuff off your bucket list."

"So we're going motorcycle riding up the coast?" _Fucking hell, he read the bucket list box!_

"Why would you ask that?"

"I-I don't know, seems like something to try."

"Bullshit, you read them didn't you?"

The guilty look in his eyes said it all. "Some," he whispered.

"You cheated! You're gonna pay for that, you know," I threatened, before concentrating on the breakfast that was just placed in front of me.

Edward continued to bombard me with more possibilities for our destination as we went east in Escondido.

Two amusing hours later, he gave up and dozed off.

He was still sleeping when we finally got there. Glamis, California. I had been there several times with Jake. It was a total adrenaline rush. I parked next to the other RVs, turned on the air conditioning, and let Edward sleep, as I went to find the guy I was renting the vehicles from.

When I got back, Edward was making a sandwich.

"Jazz? Why are we in the middle of the desert with a bunch of other RVs?

I smirked. "Eat your sandwich and I'll show you."

We ate lunch in companionable silence. I could almost see the wheels turning in Edward's head. I debated on blindfolding him, but I was fairly certain that would throw him over the edge. When lunch was done and the dishes were put away I herded him outside. It was already two in the afternoon.

We passed the parked RVs and I watched Edward as he took in all the quad-runners, dirt bikes, sand-rails. It was at least 25 degrees hotter here, than at the beach. Even though the wind was blowing, it wasn't a cooling breeze, more like a hair dryer on high heat blowing in your face with a lot of sand thrown in for good measure.

"I take it we're not going dancing?"

I snorted. "Nope."

"Are there bungee cords involved?" _Fucker, how many of those did he read? _

I quirked my eyebrow. "Not today."

He nodded contemplatively. "But it does involve those death traps?"

I smirked, remembering the words he gave me yesterday. "There _is _a certain amount of skill involved, if you don't think you can handle it…" I shrugged and winked.

He chuckled. "Trust you, huh?"

"That's all I've ever asked."

"You don't find it ironic, that you get to plan stuff and I don't?"

"Oh, I see the irony. It's fucking beautiful and I'm enjoying the hell out of it. But, this is about you, letting go. This is about trying new things without redundant back-up plans. It's about not over-thinking and just doing.

"I promise you I won't put you in any dangerous situations and you promise me you'll try. It's that simple. I have no expectations other than we're gonna have a great time and that you won't place any expectations on yourself.

"We're in the middle of the fucking desert, what could possibly happen?"

Edward started to say something and I interrupted, "That was redundant, Edward."

He started to laugh and I laughed with him as I put my arm around his shoulders. "Let's go get you some gear so you can fit in around here."

**A/N** I hope you loved it! Please leave me a review and tell me one way or the other, it was a very emotional chapter for me. If you follow me on Twitter, you know that after allowing my sister to read the first version, her only response to me was, "They're suppose to like each other, right?"

I have to apologize for an error I made in Chapter 7 - I said Hotel California by the Mamas and the Papas. Hotel California is by the Eagles and California Dreaming is by the Mama and the Papas. Thanks to everyone who caught it.

**Slashy Blog Pimping**: I did an interview with OCDJen, who continues to be a wonderful friend and supporter. SlashH00rsRUs blog http: / slashh00rsrus . blogspot . com/ I don't know when the interview will be up, but take a look at it, it's great.

SarahAH30 does slash recs every Thursday on the Tazz's Twilight Obsession site. I love her and this site. http:/ tazzsobsession . blogspot . com/ Check it out!

I just found this site today, TwistedinSlash. The visuals alone are worth a visit, but it has some great content. http:/ twistedinslash . blogspot . com/

**Want to be a Pre-Reader?** I'm going to take one interested Twitter follower every chapter.


	9. Chapter 9 SandRails and Ice Cubes

**A/N** Not QUITE as long for an update, but I promise you, this chapter is worth it. I seriously could not have gotten this chapter out without my wonderful pre-readers Loca37, CherBella, carrottop81690 and super fabulous betas Siobhan'x & Savannah_Vee.

A special belated HAPPY BIRTHDAY wish goes out to Mathab my new pre-reader, who actually had this chapter before anyone else did. I also want to thank my Twitter pre-reader and friend Heidi_v34.

As always, Stephanie Meyer would hate what I'm doing to her characters, but I am head over heels in love with them.

**Chapter 9 Sand-Rails and Ice Cubes**

Glamis was an odd place. I remember the first time I was here - I couldn't get over how an empty desert could become a thriving community of fifty thousand people or more. It was crazy really. Store tents were put up and taken down in a matter of hours. It was almost like an out-door mall of sorts. The same vendors came week after week, but everything revolved around the sand and the games we played in it.

Edward took everything in as we made our way through the make-shift city. We walked into a tent where they we selling clothes and gear. There were a couple people milling around, so we separated to look at everything at our own pace.

"Oh my God! Hey, aren't you Jasper Hale?"

"Um, yeah?"

"The surfer. You're him, right?" _Shit._

"Yeah." I fan-smile as this girl goes on and on about the seeing me surf in Huntington. She must have talked for ten minutes straight about how her and her girlfriends follow the tour. I gave her Jake's number, promising he would send her a Quiksilver calendar. He knew the 'blow-off drill' and would have my back, like he always did. She finally left after I signed a beach towel for her, because I refused to sign her bikini top.

_I better find Edward, he's probably waiting in some corner, still nervous about today._

When I found him, he was in the back of the tent with some other guy, looking at the Unleashed and Fox tee-shirts.

I got close enough to hear their conversation but neither one noticed me.

"_I think you should get this one in a medium, your build is big enough for a large, but a tighter one will look good on you," the guy said, holding up a really cool tee-shirt to Edward's chest._

"_You think?" Edward answered, taking the tee-shirt from the guy and holding it up in front of himself._

_Edward looked at him and smiled. "Thank you, Tyler," he said, touching his arm._

What. The. Fuck? I cleared my throat and watched as Edward casually pulled his arm back.

"What do you think, Jazz?"

I was so pissed I was having trouble seeing straight. Moves like that had gotten me a dressing room fuck more than once. _Why the hell would Edward flirt back with this asshole?_

I shrugged my shoulders, even though I knew it would look awesome on him. I turned my back and started looking at the helmets and gloves we would need, unwilling to speak at the moment.

"Everything okay, Jasper?"

I glared back at him and responded shortly, "We need to get gear."

"Tyler says that, depending on what we're doing, we could probably rent a lot of the stuff." _Did he really fucking start a sentence with that asshole's name?_

I rolled my eyes at him. "You don't even know what we're doing, how would Taylor?"

Edward had the audacity to smirk smugly at me. "_Tyler_ told me there are only a couple of things to do here. Are we going to ride motorcycles, quadrunners, or sand rails?"

I was fucking done.

"Why don't you cozy up to Tyler again and ask him."

I watched his face fall.

"What?"

"You. Were. Flirting," I said, enunciating each word.

I watched as his expression changed from smugness to complete confusion.

Edward grabbed my arm. "What are you talking about, Jasper?"

I pulled my arm away. "I saw you. What the hell, Edward? I can't touch you, but you can flirt with the first guy you see?"

The dumbass, who was obviously watching us, saw me pull my arm away and interrupted, "Everything okay guys?"

Edward smiled. "Yeah, thanks Tyler." _Are you fucking kidding me?_ I walked out, leaving Edward with him.

I was overwhelmingly frustrated and didn't know where to fucking go. This wasn't the way this was supposed to go! I felt him behind me but I wasn't ready to stop walking, much less turn around. I kept walking until it occurred to me how this must look to anyone watching me and I stopped. Edward stopped three paces behind me and watched cautiously.

"Jasper?" My anger flared again.

_He was flirting and now he's handling me. Bastard._

I looked around, got my bearings and headed back to the RV with Edward in tow. I threw open the door to the RV and left it open. I began to pace once I was in the enclosed space.

Edward quietly followed me in and closed the door. He looked lost and contrite.

"Aren't you going to say anything to me?" I yelled at him.

He raised his eyebrows, but remained silent.

"Seriously, what the hell, Edward?"

"I don't know what to say to that."

"How about a fuckin' explanation? How could you flirt with that guy after this morning? This was OUR two days!"

"Jasper," he said in a soothing tone that grated on my nerves. "I'm sorry."

I exhaled as he continued, "I should have never asked what activities people do around here. I didn't mean to steal your thunder."

_What the fuck? Is he kidding me? _

"Edward, you were fucking throwing yourself at that guy in front of me and you're apologizing for asking him what sports were available? Really?"

"I was not flirting with Tyler, let alone throwing myself at him. I'm trying really hard to understand where you're coming from, but you're not making this easy.

"Jasper, what are you talking about?"

"You. Touched. His. Arm.

"I saw you. He was telling you to wear a tight shirt for him and you stared into his eyes and then rubbed his arm. Flirting Edward. I know it when I see it. Hell, I'm a fucking expert at it."

Edward looked at me like I was a child that didn't understand and smiled patronizingly, which only pissed me off further. "Jasper, I touch everyone when I talk to them. It establishes a connection. Tyler was just helping me with sizes. You're blowing this way out of proportion. I love you, remember?"

I closed my eyes at his last words. _Fuck. I haven't been this angry since I was a teenager, what the hell is wrong with me? Get it together, Hale._ I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly.

"Edward, I'm sorry. I don't know what the fuck came over me. First that chick wouldn't shut up and then I walked over to see you flirting with that guy and I just lost it."

"I wasn't flirting Jasper, I wouldn't even really know how."

"Don't bullshit me. That prick was on you like white on rice, you had to know that."

Edward had that same lost look in his eyes that made me doubt what I was feeling. "Jazz, he wasn't. I swear."

I decided to take another approach to prove my point. "You've been shopping before, right?"

He nodded his head and I continued, "How many times has the salesperson put stuff up to you like that?"

He smiled smugly, "A bunch of times."

"How times were they men?"

His face fell and I knew I had him. "Guys, straight guys, don't tell other guys to wear shirts tighter. So if someone, guy or girl, is saying shit like that, they're hitting on you."

I watched the understanding change into hurt, or possibly repulsion.

"Oh my God."

I quirked an eyebrow and snickered. "Did you just use the Lord's name in vain?" I teased him.

"It's not like I blame him or anything, you're a hot guy, Edward. I was just thrown off by it being right there in my face and you responding like that."

"I was just being nice. Being nice is not flirting! Wait, do I come off as gay? Are you sure he was flirting? Maybe he was just being nice like I was."

I snorted. "Um, I'm sure he was just feeling you out, but when you put the bait on the hook and the fish rubs up against the line, you're pretty sure you caught a fish."

"I-I-I wasn't rubbing up against any line!" I could tell he was getting flustered and I reached out and touched his arm.

He seemed to calm a bit. If I was a nice guy I would have let it go, but… "I bet that guy liked it when you touched him like that too." I snickered as he pulled away. I didn't duck soon enough as a throw pillow hit me on the side of my face.

"Fucker, you better run," I warned as I reached to grab the rest of the pillows. I chased him to the back of the motor home, hurling pillows at him as I ran. He was backing himself into a corner which suited me just fine. As soon as I entered the bedroom I was hit with the king size pillows, but I surprised him by grabbing on and using it against him, to pull it and him to me.

He was shocked as I pushed him back onto the bed, trapping him underneath me. Our laughing and panting slowed as I stared into his moss green eyes. I smiled and began to lift my weight off him, so he wouldn't feel my erection straining through my pants. He pulled me back down on him forcing me to bite the inside of my cheek so I didn't groan out loud.

"Edwaaard," I whispered as my eyes closed involuntarily at our closeness.

"So, you were jealous?"

My eyes shot open. "Um, no. I don't do jealousy."

I looked down at his smug smile. "You were jealous today. You said it yourself. You lost it. You lost it because you thought I was flirting with another guy. You. Were. Jeallllllllous."

It was hard to be mad at him with his shit eating grin and his eyes all lit up and shit, so I did the only thing I could think of in that moment. I kissed him, hard. I actively tried not to grind against him, but he pulled me towards him, making it impossible. When we finally separated, both of us were breathless.

"First of all, protecting what's mine is some sort of God given right," I explained to him. I ran the back of my fingers down his face, while grabbing a throw pillow behind his head with the other hand. "Not jealous!" I said as I bopped him in the head.

We giggled. This was nice, just the two of us.

I knew it was getting late. We had already burned through almost one whole day and we hadn't even gone out yet.

"I get jealous sometimes," he said, pulling me out of my reverie.

"Huh?"

"People watch you all the time, Jazz. I know I get this piece of you, but so does everyone else."

"Yeah, well, there's a lot of me to love, but I save the best pieces for you," I told him, smirking.

"How come you do that?"

"What?"

"Put up the walls, you refuse to let me have."

"I don-"

"-I just admitted I get jealous and you made a joke. You pulled away on the bed too."

I didn't want to get into this. "Maybe I was a little jealous," I admitted. "When I said I don't do jealousy, I wasn't lying. I've never been invested enough to _want_ to protect anything like that. Funny thing is, it wasn't what he did that I lost my shit over, it was your reaction."

"I told you, I wasn't flirting. You either believe me or you don't. Maybe you're just defensive because you were flirting with that girl."

"Um, gay man, Edward, I was absolutely not flirting with her. She was just fan-girling all over me. Not the same at all."

He nodded contemplatively. "Do you think she knew you were gay?"

I shrugged. "Probably not."

He nodded again. "I saw you touch her, and then you autographed her towel," he pushed.

"There's an expectation for me to be nice to the fans and I want to, I owe a lot to my fans, they're important. But hell, Edward, I told her I wouldn't sign her tit. I figured signing the towel was a good compromise."

His eyes widened before he tilted his head and squinted at me in disbelief. "And exactly how is _that_ not flirting, and me touching some guy's arm who is trying to help me with some clothes is?

According to that thought process, if the guy had wanted me to autograph his chest that would have been okay." _Fuck_.

"Oh, hell no. Fans are just different."

"So it's okay for you to flirt, but not me? And I still deny I was, by the way, I'm just trying to understand."

I sighed. "Fuck, you're messin' with my head. I didn't see it that way at first, but I guess you're right. You have to understand, when I saw that guy coming on to you, I saw myself. Believe it or not, this is all new for me too. I've never really cared how my actions affected another person other than Rose, or maybe Jake."

He fucking preened in self righteousness. It was so damn cute, I just shook my head and chuckled.

"Jazz?"

"Yeah?"

"Can I ask you something else?"

"Is this gonna be more life lesson bullshit? Cuz I'm all good on that today," I asked with a wink.

He answered me with a pillow to the chest.

"Hey! Alright, alright," I said, putting my hands up in surrender. "What's up?"

"I've been wondering something."

"Okaaaay."

"Why did you pull away earlier? Sometimes it seems like you're really interested and into, you know, whatever we're doing, but then you pull away. Am I doing something wrong or is it bad or something?"

My heart wrenched and I had a physical need to comfort him. I scooted closer to him so our knees were touching. "You aren't doing anything wrong, please don't ever think that. I just don't want to push you too far, like last night. Hell, Edward, you can't even say 'making out.' How am I supposed to do what I want with you?"

"But you want to do more?"

I shook my head. "Not until you're ready."

"How am I supposed to know when I'm ready?"

I chuckled. "I don't know, but being able to talk about shit might be a start." I saw the hurt flicker through his eyes and I immediately felt bad.

"Hey," I said as I lifted up his chin, "Do you want to do more? I'll do whatever you want, but please don't ask me to push you to the point where you'll break again. It will kill me.

What were you thinking?"

"I don't really know," he whispered.

I smiled. "But more?"

He nodded.

"You're sure?"

Our eyes locked. He licked his lower lip, making my cock twitch, as he nodded again.

"You'll warn me, when you start to feel uncomfortable? You won't push yourself until you break?"

"Yeah."

"Okay," I said before kissing him chastely on the lips. I ran my nose up to his cheek and whispered, "Thank you," into his ear before pulling away.

He looked confused and I smiled in response.

"I need some time to think about this and we still have plans this afternoon."

"We're going back to buy the stuff?"

I answered him with a pillow to the side of his head.

"We'll rent."

It took another hour to get everything together, but I was ecstatic when we finally got into the dune buggy.

There is something to be said about seeing your man belted, and bound and looking at you with complete trust and excitement in his eyes. Fuck if I wasn't gonna take it where I could get it.

I only got one buggy, figuring we could trade off. He wanted me to go first. It's not much different than driving a car, just a whole hell of a lot more fun. The dune buggy/sand-rail didn't have any doors, it was literally a cage with seats, a motor and wheels. After I played around with it a bit, getting air only a couple of times, it was Edward's turn.

He surprised the hell out of me! He was as cautious as I expected him to be in the beginning, but as soon as he got it, he really let loose. .

We actually raced this guy and would have won if Edward hadn't hit that mogul and freaked out when he got air. I had never been so grateful for seat belts or grasped what they could do for you until Edward slammed on the brakes and we were both sent lurching painfully forward.

He wanted me to drive again after that, but I made him keep driving. He remained wary, but that was okay because he kept trying.

We were both a dirty mess when we got in from sand-railing. For as much protective gear as we put on, there was still sand everywhere. We both had to shower in the campground shower because the motor bathroom was not equipped for that kind of mess.

We ended up in shower stalls next to each other and I reminded him to not take off his flip flops. As the warm water hit my body, I could feel my muscles relax from the tension of the flirting debacle and adrenaline of the afternoon. I was trying to figure out exactly what Edward's _more_ would consist of. Fuck knows I usually didn't plan this shit.

I heard Edward's shower turn on next to mine. I chuckled silently, picturing him trying not to touch anything in the public shower. And then he groaned. _Fuck me standing._ I'm sure it was just his reaction to the water hitting his muscles, but my dick didn't know the difference and I was hard in an instant. I soaped up and mercilessly fisted my cock, jacking-off quick and dirty. I pictured his naked body in my head, which was less than three feet from me and fantasized about how we could utilize the stool right outside the shower stall. _This was going to be a long night._

Edward and I walked back from the showers in companionable silence. We stopped at the small convenience store to grab a couple of cokes from the fountain machine because my mouth was still dried out from all the sand.

"What'dya think of the sand rails?" I asked once we got back to the RV.

"It was great, thank you so much. I kept thinking that Emmett would have loved it."

I smiled and nodded. "He does. He's come out a couple of times with Jake and I. He's a crazy man on the sand!"

Edward laughed. "I can practically see it in my head. Sometimes I forget you have this other life with the same people I know. It's funny because I have so many brothers, but I'm closer to Emmett than any of them. Jazz, what do you think he would have to say about you and I?"

I swallowed and took a deep breath. "Well, the asshole in me would really like to make this a bet and get some money from this, because I'm sure as shit it's gonna floor him."

He nodded. "What about Bella?" He asked, much quieter.

"I think you might know the answer better to that than I do. I really only know her within the context of her relationship with Rose and Jake, you're the one with this bond no one can explain.

"How would you react if it was her telling you something like this?"

He was quiet for a moment. "I would hope I would just want her happy."

"But?"

"I don't know, I think there's a part of me that would want her to be extra sure because it would be a harder life."

I didn't know what to say to that, so I remained quiet and let the words hang in the air like a heavy blanket over the both of us.

After a few minutes of awkward silence, I had to say something. "So I kinda can't let this go. You promised me you'd let me know when things got uncomfortable for you. Are you thinkin' that this life might be too much? No one gets up in the morning and decides they're gonna be gay today. It kind of is what it is, but you're right, it's a harder life," I told him. It came out a little more defensively than I meant to.

"No, no, no. That's not what I meant, well maybe it is, but not in the way you think. Being with you, well, feeling like I do, being in love with you, isn't a choice for me, it just is.

"Would it be weird if I said I still didn't think of myself as 'gay'?"

"I guess a little, yeah."

"If I was gay, shouldn't I have known that guy was hitting on me? Shouldn't I have been attracted to him or other guys at some point?"

I smiled. "You're in your head again. Are you trying to _plan_ being gay, Edward?"

"Don't make fun of me." He pouted.

"I'm sorry. This journey is different for everyone. Experimentation doesn't make you 'gay'. Is that what you're questioning?"

"No. It's more that I don't question my feelings for you, or at least in terms of them being categorized as homosexual in nature. Does that make sense?"

"I think so."

"I'm connected to you, viscerally, irrevocably and happily. For me, after I let go of my preconceived ideas of what was morally acceptable, whether you were a guy or not had little to do with how you made me feel. But I keep thinking that it should, and that me not thinking about us as 'gay' is somehow wrong."

"Holy hell, boy, you really do over think shit. I think I understand what you're saying. You're saying that the fact that I'm a guy isn't a factor as to why you love me? But Edward, I am a guy and you're a guy and that's homosexual."

"Yeah, but I think we're different, or at least I am. If you didn't know me, being a gay man, you might be attracted to me if you saw me, right?"

I smiled. "Hell, yeah."

"Okay, if I didn't know you, but I saw you from across the room, I don't think I would be attracted to you."

"What?"

"Jasper, I love your soul. You are beautiful to me, from the inside out. I don't think I'm attracted to other men, it's just you. Isn't that weird?"

I collected my thoughts before I answered. "If you expect me to tell you it's weird that you're not attracted to other men, I won't. If you're asking me if you're gay or bi, I can't tell you that either. You're the only one who knows that.

"It's true, I thought you were physically attractive when I first saw you, but I've seen a lot of attractive men and none of them affected me the way you do. So I kind of get it when you say you love my soul, because I treasure yours. But I am a man who loves men.

"I don't just love your soul, Edward. I love everything about you, which includes your body.

I watched his Adam's apple bounce as the atmosphere in the RV thickened.

"You know, there is no downside for me to be the only person in the world you're attracted to. You understand that right?"

He swallowed silently and nodded.

"Do you want to know specifically what is tantalizing about you to me?" I asked, as I ran my fingers up his forearm.

"Ummmm, hmmmm."

"The fact that you love my soul, touches me in ways I can't begin to explain. To be honest, I never really thought it was worth too much, but now that it's yours, I want to make it as clean and good as it can be for you.

"Your love is such a pure gift, I feel like I have to protect and honor it, which is why I can't fathom hurting or damaging you in anyway.

"But Edward, my soul is not as pure as yours," I told him, shaking my head.

My nose trailed along the stubble of his jaw, up to his ear. "I have experienced a lot in my life, which some would say has tarnished my soul a little," I whispered seductively.

I pulled back and looked him directly in the eyes. "Do you still want more?"

He opened his hooded eyes, took a deep breath and kissed me.

I used my weight to push him back on the bed. "Are you sure? Because when I told you I was protective of you, it's me I've been protecting you from." I rubbed my erection along his outer thigh to make my point.

His eyes rolled back into his head, before he opened them again to look at me. "I trust you, I know what I feel and what I want."

"Maybe you shouldn't trust me Edward. You asked earlier why I sometimes pull away, remember?"

He nodded again, leaning closer to me.

"It's because I want you, especially because I can remember what it's like to have you in my mouth, as I worship your body with my own. I pull away, because I'm afraid if I start, I won't be able to stop. Can you understand that? I think we both need ground rules for this."

"What if I don't want you to stop?" He asked in a gravelly voice that made me harden even more. _Fuck._

"Let's just keep it above the waist tonight. Trust me when I tell you, you're not ready for all the things I want to do to tarnish your soul."

He looked up at me with hurt-filled hooded eyes. "But I want this, I want to do this for you." _That says it all, doesn't it?_

"You act like you're going to be missing something if we keep it above the waist.

"Trust me," I told him, as I began to pull off my tee-shirt.

I sat him up and yanked his off as well. He watched as I gathered all the pillows we had strewn around the RV and placed them on the bed. I finished the coke I was drinking from earlier and it gave me an idea.

Smirking at him, I pulled some candles out of the linen closet and placed them around the bedroom one by one after I lit them. He watched my every move as I prepared for our evening.

He looked delectable sitting on the edge of the bed in jeans and nothing else. He literally made my mouth water.

"Do you want the rest of your coke?"

"Huh?"

"My mouth is dry and I finished all of mine," I explained.

"Uh, no, take it."

I took the lid off of his cup and poured the contents into my cup before throwing his away. I gulped down the rest of the coke and placed the cup next to the bedside table before crawling onto the bed.

I re-arranged the pillows before laying him back down on them.

"You're incredibly sexy, you know that?"

Even in the candle light I could see his cheeks turned pink as he smiled shyly at me before looking down at the comforter. _It's always the fucking little things that get to me the most._

"Can I kiss you, Edward?"

He looked up at me with his seaweed-green eyes, before closing them and leaning in towards me.

I kissed each of his eyelids, his nose, his cheeks and finally his soft lips. I felt like I could kiss him forever. I moaned at the decadence of the feeling of his tongue entering my mouth, as our kiss deepened.

I continued kissing him as my fingertips ghosted the sinewy hardness of his arms and chest. I pulled away so I could see him.

Even though I know I was more experienced than he was I felt like I was the nervous one. It was one thing to be caught up in the heat of passion. It was quite different to be offered the body and soul of a man that you loved and loved you back.

The candlelight glistened off his skin as I continued my explorations with my hands. I watched in erotic delight as his back arched beneath my fingertips. _You haven't seen anything yet, love. _My mouth followed the path my fingertips lead with open mouth kisses, nips and gentle sucking. I reveled when he tried to pull me toward him, seeking the friction only my body could provide.

I didn't allow him to grind against me for long. Somehow I found the strength to push him back onto the pillows and, being the horny asshole I am, I grazed his cock, making him groan in passion and frustration.

"Jaaaazzzz, please," he begged.

I smirked and shook my head at him. "All in good time, my love. All in good time. You look at little over-heated. Is it too hot in here?" I teased.

"You're too far away. It's better when you're closer to me," he implored, reaching out to me.

"Not yet," I answered, while reaching over to get the cup I left on the bedside table.

I drank the ice-cold water at the bottom of the cup before letting an ice cube slip inside my mouth.

I turned back to face him and met his trusting eyes as he reached out to pull me back down. I sidled up and leaned in as if I was going to kiss his neck. He tilted his head to give me more access.

He groaned as my cold wet lips, massaged the sweet-spot just behind his ear lobe. Pushing him gently back onto the pillows, I held the partially melted ice cube between my lips and traced small circular patterns along his neck.

As soon as that ice cube melted, I got another out of the cup and traced a trail along his collar bone and over his pecs. My eyes never left his and I used my tongue to lick the trail of water the cube had left for me.

When I reached for the third cube, his hands were in the back of my hair, pulling me toward him in desperation. We continued kissing and grinding on each other, until he reached for the cup.

I cocked an eyebrow and shook my head. "My ice cubes and I'm not done yet."

"Please, Jazz. I need you. I want to please you like you're doing to me."

I smirked and shook my head. "You know, if someone have told me that I would enjoy giving another man pleasure more than receiving it I would have asked him what he was smoking. But watching you tonight has been the sexiest thing I've ever done, and I've done some kinky shit, Edward. You are pleasing me. Please lay back and continue to do so before the rest of the fucking ice melts before I get to the good parts," I told him, kissing him until he squirmed for good measure.

I placed two ice cubes between my lips and winked before I lowered my mouth to his chest. I circled his nipples and watched as they puckered under my cold touch. He kept pulling me towards him and rubbing my back. While I loved his touch, it was distracting me and he knew it.

I bit down on the cubes and for whatever reason it worked for both of us. I watched him stare at my mouth as I swallowed the crushed ice cube. Without realizing it, I began to grind against his body as his hands began to explore my chest. The sensation of his soft finger tips tickling my skin drove me to near insanity.

For my well being, as well as his, I covered his hands with my own as I pulled them away from my body. He watched wordlessly as I grasped both of his hands at the wrists and held it with one of mine. He tried to pull his away, but I was quicker than him. I pushed them into the bed, using my own weight as leverage.

"Don't move," I said, menacingly.

I smirked at the delicious sight of Edward bound up by my hand and half naked under me. I grabbed the cup with my other hand and reached in and pulled out the last cube. I pinched the cube between my thumb and pointer finger, knowing that I couldn't hold his hands above his head and maneuver the ice cube with my mouth.

I glanced at the candle across the room and for a second contemplated blindfolding him and dripping wax where he expected the ice cube and ground my cock into the side of him at the thought. I smiled seductively at the wanton anticipation in his eyes. My boy was walking that edge, and that was exactly where I wanted him.

I held the ice cube about a foot above him and let the melted water drip down his chest, creating its own trail down his sculpted abs, now tanned from all the surfing in the past two weeks. He writhed and arched as each drop hit him. I kept the pressure on his wrists above his head, so only his torso moved up to try to meet me.

"Do you like that?"

"Ummmmmrfgh."

I smiled. "Mmmmmmmm, my sentiments exactly," I told him as I watched another drop of water trail down his sternum to the pool of water that had collected in his belly button.

"Don't move. Are we clear?"

I let go of his wrists and immediately took his nipples in my mouth, gently tugging and elongating with my teeth, before swirling my tongue around them.

"Jazzzzzzzzzz," he moaned. "Pleeeease."

I knew he was overwhelmed with the sweet torture I was putting him through and I had no intention of relieving any of the built up pressure anytime soon.

I was a little disappointed to see all the water out of his belly button. I looked down at him and shook my head. "I told you not to move and now you're gonna have to pay for your disobedience."

I took almost completely melted ice cube and ran it along the waist of his jeans, making him buck up to meet my hands. I didn't expect the movement and we both groaned at the contact. I desperately wanted to pull out the cock that was straining through his jeans, but the thought of him crying just a day ago flashed through my head.

Instead, I kissed him with everything I had. Our naked torsos were slick and slippery from the water droplets that the ice cubes left behind. We rolled on the bed until I was under him.

"Is it always like this? Does it always feel so good and so bad at the same time? I can't think of anything else but you and what you're doing to me," he told me, before kissing me so attentively along my neck, my toes curled.

Still clad in the thick fucking jeans, I flipped him over so I was on top of him, lined up exactly where I wanted to be. I offered open mouth kisses along his neck, as I ground my cock alongside his.

"Don't stop, Jasper. For the love of God, please don't stop."

I smirked into his neck as he grabbed my ass for additional friction. I desperately wanted to get rid of our jeans, but knew I didn't have the willpower for that, so I worked his cock with my hips, rubbing in all the right places until he wordlessly shattered in front of me. His whole body was taut under me, neck back and abs flexed.

I was transfixed at the vision before me. He seemed to drift away, lost in his own heaven on Earth. _Giving is better than receiving. Fuck, giving is God-damn fucking perfect._

I smiled as he opened his eyes. "Hi."

"Hi," he answered back shyly.

"C'mere," I said, patting my chest for him to lay down. He sidled against me as I ran my fingers through his hair while he hummed in appreciation.

"Thank you," he whispered into my chest, tracing patterns on my abs with his fingertips.

"Fuck, Edward, that was amazing, thank you," I told him, turning my body to face his.

As soon as I did, he stiffened. I closed my eyes at his reaction. _Fuck me, I went too far again._

"You didn't?"

I opened my eyes.

"What?"

"You know, you didn't?" He asked hurtfully, looking down at the obvious bulge in my pants. _Shit, how am I going to tell him that I'm a grown man who hasn't cum in his pants since high school? My dick needs more than a dry hump to get me off._

"No, but this wasn't about me, it was about you."

"But I want you to feel what you just gave me." He tried to maneuver himself above me.

"Edward, it's just the jeans, I don't think I'll be able to get off that way. Don't worry; I can take care of it in the bathroom or something."

I saw his eyes flash for a moment before he huskily asked, "How?" I smirked_. Eddie wants to play._

"The shower is my favorite, because the water makes my cock slick, like I made your's with the ice cube."

"Show me," he demanded.

"You want to take a shower with me?" _Fuck being noble, if this is what he wants, I'm done holding back. _

"No, right here. Show me what you do in the shower. Show me how you touch yourself as the steam fills the room." _Holy hell._

"I can't through the jeans, Edward." _This is going to get out of hand_. _I really need to take care of this in the bathroom._

"Then, take them off."

I incoherently mumbled, "rules," "not below waist", and a couple various "holy hells" and "fucks" through our kisses. I was having a difficult time not thinking about how hard he was again and how that was really going to come in handy later on.

"You know, this isn't the first time I've come in my pants in the last week, Jasper." _What the hell?_

"I actually know what you look like in the shower, touching yourself. I came home to find you in the shower one morning, and up until tonight, that was the most erotic thing I had ever experienced."

_Oh my fuck, he watched me jack off_? I had jacked off so many times in the last two weeks, I had no idea which one he watched, but I knew for certain I had been thinking about him when I did it.

I palmed myself through my jeans at the thought. Edward surprised me, by unbuttoning the top button of my jeans. I placed my hand over his, stopping him. _How much fucking will power does he think I have?_

"I'll leave my jeans on, that way we're not breaking the rules, right?" He stated more than questioned.

I let go of his hand. I was too gone to argue. I lifted my ass for him to pull down my jeans. His eyes widened a bit when he realized I wasn't wearing underwear. I just shrugged. _Be careful watch you wish for, fucker._ My cock sprung free as soon as he tugged the jeans down my hips. I wasn't an arrogant bastard or anything, but my cock was a thing of fucking beauty. I smirked at Edward as he stared at it.

"Tell me what you saw, Edward."

"I watched you soap up your body."

"Show me how I did it."

He spread out his fingers wide and simulated washing my body as I writhed underneath him.

I felt his hard cock rubbing along my hip. I reached for my own as he intently watched while I closed my hand around the shaft and began to move up and down.

"Can I touch it?" I knew it was against the rules, but I didn't give a flying fuck about the rules anymore.

I nodded and grabbed his hand and laced his fingers with mine as we both stroked me.

"Oh my God, Jasper. _Not God, Edward, just me._

We were both lost in the mutual pleasure. I knew I was close.

"Edward, Edwaaaaaard," I cried out as my body convulsed and cum shot up into the air, finally splattering down over our linked hands and my chest. Edward jerked next to me, as he came again at the sight.

"Fuck."

I was completely spent, but couldn't help snickering like a middle school boy.

I sat up to look at him. "Did you just say what I think you said?"

Suddenly we were both laughing.

"_Maybe."_

My heart was so full at the moment. It occurred to me that this was a moment I would remember forever, but more than that, it was what I wanted for forever. The passion, the laughing, the giving, the taking. Everything.

_God, I hope he does too._

**A/N** Please let me know what you thought of this chapter. I am EXTRODINARILY nervous about it.

I was interview twice and the links are on my profile, I managed to say different things in each one!

The first one was by OCDJen http:/ slashh00rsrus . / 2010/09 / hey-yall-its-good-to-be-back-without . html

The second one was by SarahAH30 for Tazz's Twilight Obsession http:/ tazzsobsession . blogspot . com /2010/10/ angel-of-god-by-korissa-edwardjasper . html

It was SO much fun to do these and such an honor to be asked. Take a look if you get a minute!


	10. Chapter 10 Choose Me

**A/N** So it's ridiculous that you've had to wait so long for this chapter and I know I beg for forgiveness at lot, so I won't waste your time other than to apologize from the bottom of my heart. I'll explain why after Chapter 11). This chapter KICKED MY ASS. I promised all that reviewed that Bella would be finding out, but we decided to cut this chapter into two parts. SO CHAPTER 11 is WRITTEN and will go out next week and I'm writing Chapter 12.

Thanksgiving occurred during the month long wait I made you endure. I am so thankful for each of you who read, review, alert, and favorite this story. I had a rough month and reading what you had to say lifted my heart and spirit. Special love to pre-readers Mathab, Loca37, CherBella, carrottop81690 and super fabulous betas Siobhan'x & Savannah_Vee.

I also want to thank my Twitter pre-reader and friend Sugunary.

As always, Stephanie Meyer would hate what I'm doing to her characters, but I am head over heels in love with them.

**Chapter 10 Choose Me**

Waking up next to Edward was a comfortable, blissful feeling. I had woken up before the sunrise out of force of habit. Once I realized where we were, I had an immediate flash of panic that it was the last day, so I took a piss and crawled back into bed; wanting to makie the morning last forever. Everything about him was peaceful and beautiful. I spooned him from behind and fell back asleep, lulled by the pattern of his deep breathing.

I don't know how long we were curled up in bed, but I fought to stay in my dreamlike state.

"Jasper! Jasper, we're moving!" Edward screamed as he shook me. "Jasper, wake up!"

"What the fuck, Edward?" I replied groggily.

"Jasper, we're moving!"

I knew there was a reason I slept so soundly, I always slept better on the road. "What?"

"Wake up! Someone is driving the RV!"

"That's Peter's _job_, why the fuck are you freaking out?" I replied semi-coherently, still trying to wake up.

"How did he get the keys? I thought someone was stealing the RV."

I snorted. "I have a big ass RV with some nice shit in it, but did you happen to take a look at the other ones in Glamis? Besides, who's gonna steal an RV with two guys sleeping in it?"

"I didn't know what to do, I felt it moving and I freaked out."

"I should have told you, but a lot happened yesterday – and then last night… Well, it really wasn't on my mind."

"You have a driver?"

I smiled as my cheeks warmed, "Um, yeah, there's a couple that circulate through the service I use. I know it's Peter, because I asked for him, but I don't always know who's gonna be driving. I find out when they relieve the current one. They're all bonded, background checked and have signed a non-disclosure statement. The company usually works with rock stars and the like, so I'm really tame and easy in comparison."

"What do I do? I have to pee."

I raised both eyebrows in question. "Go pee, Edward. This isn't grade school, you don't need my permission."

"But he'll see me... Coming out of your bedroom?"

I wasn't going to explain to Edward how many times Peter had viewed similar scenarios, and some much more compromising.

"He won't care; he's paid to not pay attention. I have plans for today and don't want to spend any bit of it driving, like yesterday."

"Maybe I can wait."

"Are you serious? Go. Pee. Edward."

"I just don't want him to think badly of me."

"Who the fuck cares what he thinks?" I answered defensively. "This is _my_ RV and if I sleep with a family of fuckin' monkeys, it's _my_ business, and he knows that."

I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, seeing the hurt in his eyes.

"Edward," I said in a calming tone, lifting his chin up with my pointer-finger, "I asked for him because he was the least interactive of all the drivers, you won't even know he's there. I promise you, he won't think anything of this.

"Come on, I'll walk out with you. I want to make coffee anyway."

To my amusement, Edward got fully dressed before we left the room.

As soon as we took three steps out the door, Peter, who has said _maybe_ a hundred words in the two years of me knowing him said "Good morning, gentlemen. Did you sleep well?" _Fuck my life._

"Yeah, Pete," I answered him, unable to look at Edward for fear I would bust up laughing.

"Are we making good time?"

"Yes, sir. We'll be there in about two more hours."

"Thanks, Pete."

I started breakfast while Edward was in the bathroom, for an inordinately long amount of time. By the time he came out, I was on my second cup of coffee, plating the egg white omelets and bacon and getting ready to warm the tortillas.

Edward came out freshly showered and completely dressed. There were still droplets of water at his collar, probably from his hair, but it immediately reminded me of last night and I had to smile.

He shyly smiled back with a questioning look of his face. I knew he was already nervous about Pete so I let it drop.

"Coffee?"

"Sure, what were you just smiling about?"

I raised both eyebrows. "You really want to know?"

"I think so," he replied cautiously.

I chuckled, then whispered, "Last night. You had some drops of water that dripped down from your wet hair and all I could think of was how I wanted to lick them off."

"Oh God."

This time I laughed out loud. "You know, I figured you were going to have to go to confession after these couple of days together, but I never thought it would be because of your blasphemous mouth."

He looked up to the front, where I had pulled the driver screen across to give us some privacy.

"He can't hear us you know. He listens to audio books on his ipod."

Edward still looked skeptical.

"Hey Pete, you want to suck my dick?" I yelled, to prove my point.

A mortified Edward whipped his head to look at the screen again, where there was no movement. He shook his head and looked back at me with pinked cheeks. I held my finger up and pressed a button on the speaker against the wall. In a moment Pete's voice came over the speaker, but not through the screen.

"Yes, sir?"

"Hey Peter, quit it with the sir shit, but my friend and I have a bet going and I need you to settle it." I watched Edward shift uncomfortably in the bar stool at the breakfast bar.

"Edward thinks classic rock has more soul and I'm inclined to think Country does, what are your thoughts?"

We both heard Peter chuckle. "Well, perhaps I'm a little prejudiced, but being from Texas like you are, I'm actually partial to both."

"Well which one are you listening to now?"

There was a pause, because he knew that I knew he listened to "books on tape" as he called them.

"Neither,_ Jasper_, I'm listening to a Brad Meltzer mystery called _The Book of Lies_. I got it using the $500 iTunes card you generously gave me that I'll never fully spend. " _Nice, that fucker just called me out._

"Would you like to listen to it? I can plug the iPod into the main stereo."

"Um, no thanks, we're gonna eat breakfast."

"Very well," he said, as the light went dark on the speaker.

"What was that about?"

"I was just proving a point. These rigs are designed for privacy. Some people have their families on them. I don't usually close the driving screen because I don't care, but I didn't want you to be uncomfortable. I should have done it last night, but you kinda tired me out and it wasn't exactly on my mind at the time."

Edward's eyes widened just a touch as he swallowed. "What was on your mind?"

"You," I declared, staring into his eyes.

"I waited for you, you know, in the shower." _Holy fuck._

"You did? Is that why you took so long?" The thought of him naked in the shower made me instantly hard and turned on.

He smirked. "No, not really. That's for screwing with my head this morning." He snickered, proud of himself. _Fucker just played me! Silly boy, you're just learning the games I mastered a long time ago._

"Payback's a bitch, you know," I retorted as I adjusted myself blatantly.

"I'm counting on it." _Shit, he's good at this!_

We ate in comfortable silence, peering at each other with smiles every once in a while. I wondered if he was thinking the same thing I was;that this was nice, wonderful even.

After we had cleaned up and put the breakfast dishes in the dishwasher, the buzzer went off on the speaker. I pressed it. "Yeah, Peter?"

"We're here, sir, um, Jasper."

"Thanks for letting us know, will you make sure everything is set up and we'll be out in a half?"

"Sure thing."

I guess Edward forgot the goal of our little trip, but now his curiosity was piqued again. He was getting ready to open the closed vertical blinds when I reached across and grabbed his hand. "Open them and die."

An amused Edward quickly reached with his other hand for the blinds causing me to lose balance, but not before I pulled him down with me.

I flipped over so I was on top of him and held his arms above his head, very similar to last night. "You don't listen very well."

"Oh I listen, I just don't necessarily always agree with your _instructions_."

"You didn't have any arguments last night," I whispered heatedly as I kissed him along his jawline up to his ear. I felt him harden against me as I continued to kiss him.

I don't know where I found the strength to pull away, but I knew someone would come looking for us in about fifteen minutes and if we continued, we wouldn't be in any kind of acceptable position to be found, which would only further embarrass Edward.

"As much as I would like to continue with this thought process, we have fifteen minutes before we're expected outside. Are you going to be a good boy and stay away from the windows and doors or do I have to tie you up?" I knew which option I wanted.

"Are those my only options?" He challenged.

I cocked an eyebrow. "No, you could join me in the shower, that way I could keep an eye on you and I wouldn't have to jack off with thoughts of you, you could do it for me."

He looked at the bathroom door. _Damn, he was contemplating it!_

"Of course, then they'd find us in the shower together, because it would take a lot longer than fifteen minutes for me to have my fill of you."

He looked at me and shook his head in defeat.

I smugly dropped my sleep pants in the hallway and walked into the shower. _That's right fucker, I'm the master at these games._

I was more than hoping he would decide to join me in the shower, but knew he wouldn't. I had plenty to think about as I remembered him narrating the scene where he watched me jack off in the shower before. That shit was fuckin' hot. I probably should have left the door open as an invitation, but it was better this way. There really was no possible way we would have gotten out of the shower in the short amount of time we had.

He was almost a different boy than the one I met only two weeks ago at Rose's house. He was such a mix of everything good and right. All my instincts pushed me to protect his sweet heart, but I couldn't deny last night was a turning point. I just had to figure out the balance of how to love him in every way, not just the sweet ways, but all the fun dirty ones too.

As the hot water beat down on my shoulders, I dropped my limp dick, as all these thoughts invaded my head. _He chose me, right? I mean between the 'I love yous' and last night. I mean I might have screwed it up a little with that asshole who was hitting on him, but he forgave me, right? Today has to be THE DAY. I want him to go with me to Costa Rica tomorrow. Fuck, I can't believe I'm leaving tomorrow. Maybe I could cancel the competition if he couldn't go. We could just continue driving. I could say I was sick or something. He'd choose me, right? _

I groaned out loud to clear the thoughts. This is what happens when I don't surf every morning. Shit fucks with my head.

I stepped out and wrapped a towel around my waist. This was actually gonna be a fun day. I'd never done this either. I really wanted us to experience something new together and couldn't wait. I had Peter go collect all the gear we would need, which wasn't much, but fuck if I was going shopping with Edward anytime soon again.

I walked into the bedroom to see a fully hardened, half-lidded Edward clutching my sleep pants.

_Bet he's wondering what I did in the shower just now. I sure as hell wasn't gonna tell him I pulled an Edward and over thought my way out of a perfectly good hard-on._

"Hmmmmm, that shower felt good." I watched as his Adam's apple bobbed up and down. "Missed you."

I dropped the towel in front of him giving him a good long look, before I grabbed a pair of boxer briefs and a pair of jeans, while I bit the inside of my cheek so I wouldn't laugh out loud.

I knew I shouldn't, but I couldn't help myself. "Edward, which tee-shirt looks better on me? I'm probably a large, but this medium is tight in all the right places."

His eyes squinted at the familiar words as he lunged for me, laughing. "Jackass."

"Potty mouth," I retorted, laughing so hard I had tears in my eyes.

The atmosphere was just starting to charge around us when we heard a knock on the door.

I waggled my eyebrows. "Saved by the bell," I said, palming him briefly.

I walked out and met Pete and this other guy holding all of the gear.

"Hey, I'm Jasper. Thanks for doing this for me man," I say, as I extended out my hand.

"No problem, dude, I'm actually a big fan. I took surf lessons with my son a couple of years ago. He's the one that follows your career, like you're some rockstar or bikini model, but I respect your talent. That shit is harder than it looks!

"Hey, I hate to ask, but if I come home empty-handed I'm gonna have one pissed off boy, would you-"

"-No problem, hold on man, I have just the thing."

I went back into the RV to the "fan closet" and to look for Edward who still hadn't come out of the bedroom.

"Edward, what the fuck, dude? What's taking you so long?"

I was more than confused when I saw a bunch of shirts strewn over the bed.

"What the hell? Since when did fashion mean shit to you?"

I looked at a red faced, slightly pissed off, and very frustrated Edward.

"None of these go down low enough," he hissed.

I looked at the very prominent bulge in his jeans and doubled over laughing.

"This is not funny! How am I supposed to go out there like this?"

"Think of dead kittens or your parents having sex. I don't know, but hold on."

I wiped the tears from my eyes for the second time this morning and grabbed a Sharpie out of one of the kitchen drawers and signed the Quiksilver baseball cap I grabbed out of the closet.

"Hey guys, I just got an email from my sponsor that I have to address, can we meet you in the locker room in about fifteen minutes?" I lied, handing him the hat for his son.

He looked at his watch and fidgeted. "Would you like one too? How about a sweatshirt?"

The guy's eyes lit up as I handed him another signed hat and a sweatshirt that was usually reserved for VIP fans. "Thanks, no problem. See you in a couple of minutes."

I nodded, grabbing my turned-off phone, and closing the door.

I walked back to Edward, composing myself before I opened the door. He was sitting on the edge of the bed, holding his head. He jumped as I sat down next to him.

"How am I supposed to go out there?" he beseeched.

Even though I thought this was funnier than shit, I could see the hurt in his eyes and my need to fix this over-shadowed my baser, juvenile tendencies.

"Missing the robes right about now, are ya?" _Okay, so we've established I'm still an asshole._

He shot me a look in response.

"It won't go away. I'm a fucking Cialis commercial!"

"You and your potty mouth are killing me."

"I'm around you all the time, where do you think I'm getting this from."

"Okay, back to the problem, what have you done in the past when this happens?" I asked unable to take my eyes off his erection. "Did you think of those things I suggested before?"

"Jasper, I'm a grown man, I've had a few erections in my day, I know how to take care of them."

"And?"

"And, I've relieved myself twice…" he blurted out before taking a breath and continuing, "and I can't stop thinking about you. I mean, I literally can't stop thinking about you and everything thing we did last night and wondering about all the stuff I think I might want to try. You were in the shower and groaning and I knew what you were doing, because that's what I did and the thought of us in the shower together, touching… And then you fondled me before you walked out of the room!" _Fondled? It's not like my name is Chester or anything._

"So you're a little worked up? I could help with that you know," I said seductively as I tried to reach for his crotch.

The fucker pushed my hand away. "I just took care of it and it's still hard." He hissed again.

I briefly thought of how we were going to have to put his permanent hard-on status to better use later, before getting back to the situation at hand. "I think I've been walking around with a semi for the past two weeks. The fact that you can't stop thinking about me only mirrors my thoughts of you," I told him as I rubbed his back chastely.

"It's just never been like this. I've had erections before, even ones at inappropriate moments, I mean who hasn't? But this is ridiculous! I've always been able to think of the time I walked in on Aunt Siobhan in the bathtub or think about old Sister Victoria in a bathing suit and it did the trick. Now all thoughts lead to you. I should have never done all the research!" _Fuuuuuuuck, research?_

"What research, Edward? Where is all this coming from? I mean I get where this is coming from, but-what research?" I distractedly asked.

My boy's beautiful face turned my favorite shade of pink. "I know I promised not to plan," using air quotes for the word plan, "but this is all new to me, and I didn't want to seem as inexperienced as I really am, so I-I-I-I, I-looked-some-stuff-up-on-the-internet."

I raised both eyebrows and swallowed while my own cock hardened in my pants.

"What stuff, Edward?"

"Videos and things," he responded quietly. _My boy was watching internet porn? Oh, hells yeah!_

"And did you see anything you liked?"

"See, that's the thing. Not really." _Like a fucking bucket of cold water._

"That's why I'm not sure I'm gay. I should like that stuff right? It should have turned me on, shouldn't it? They all seemed so fake and rehearsed. And the sound tracks, are they kidding me?"

I chuckled. "They seem fake because they are. So they didn't do anything for you, but you blame them for your- the situation you're in now."

He looked down at the semi-deflated bulge and smiled. "Um, yeah, apparently they work both ways."

He laughed and I didn't. _Great, pornos turn him OFF!_

"Alright, in an effort to not…arouse the situation, we'll get out of here. But Edward?"

He looked up and answered. "Yeah?"

"This discussion is far from over. Let's go, they're waiting on us."

~ AoG ~ AoG ~ AoG ~AoG ~ AoG ~ AoG ~

We walked out and I watched as Edward's mind took in the surroundings. He didn't say a word as he looked around the paddock area, the pit and of course the track as we made our way past the classrooms and into the locker rooms.

"Welcome Willow Springs Raceway boys!" A booming voice welcomed us. "Your man Pete left the gear and said to tell you he was going to look around. He seemed more excited than you are, I have to say."

"I think Edward's a little surprised, I didn't tell him where we were going and since I've never done this, I guess I'm a little nervous." I answered for both of us while holding out my hand for him to shake it.

"You're that surfer fella' Hale that the boys were talkin' bout earlier then, aren't ya?"

"Yes, sir."

"And if the paperwork I got faxed over is correct, you're Masen, Eddie Masen. You any relation to Paul Masen?

Edward looked down at his shoes. "Yeah, he's my brother."

My head jerked up as I intently listened to Edward talk to the guy in front of us. _How would this guy know Edward's brother? _

"He still racin'? He's a crazy ass motherfucker that for sure."

"No, he got married and has a couple of kids." _Are you kidding me? Of all the places we could have gone, I had to pick one where Edward could have some fucked-up hillbilly family reunion. Did he tell me he had a brother that raced cars? _I couldn't remember.

"Still have that cherry SS Chavelle?"

Edward chuckled. "Yeah, I'm pretty sure at least one of his kid's college educations is wrapped up in the engine and interior."

"You tell him Buck says hi, won't ya?"

"I will, thanks."

"So I thought this fella Hale was one of those sissified city boys who wanted to race around the track just to check it off some fucking list or something, but you boys came to race didn't ya?"

Edward snorted and looked over at me before answering, "Buck, do we look like sissified city boys to you?" Edward's shoulders were bouncing with the snickering he was trying to keep to himself.

"Well, how the hell was I supposed to know? I just spent the last hour arguing to these guys how standing on a board in water could hardly be called a sport. Honest to frickin' God you'll never convince me that there's a real sport in this world that doesn't allow ya to chew, ya know?

"Oh shit, you're not the priest are ya?"

Edward belly laughed. "Well, I'm probably the one you're thinking of. I've just completed my seminary training."

"Christ on cracker. Shit, I mean I'm sorry about my mouth, Father."

"Buck, it's fine. I've been known to use colorful language myself on occasion," Edward said, touching his arm and calming him. "How bout you tell us what we're gonna do?"

"Shoot, Eddie, after all the prissy _instructions _that came my way this morning, I was going to give you the in and out, but you boys are about to get the royal treatment," he explained.

"Can I ask ya just one thing that I'm dyin to know? Why were we supposed to _present _ya with all your gear? Doesn't seem much like a Masen thing to ask for?"

Edward looked over to me as I looked down. _Busted._ He had a twinkle in his eye as he answered. "Jasper's kinda a celebrity, and he's used to special treatment. I tried to shop for some gear in Glamis just yesterday, and it became a thing. But you're right, Masen's don't do special treatment, we're more down to earth folk." I shook my head. _Fucker, you are so gonna get it._

Buck looked over to me and rolled his eyes. "Figures," he said dismissively as he put his arm around Edward's shoulders and started walking down the hall. I followed quietly behind them. "How long has it been since you've been here?" _He's been here?_

"I was a little young when Paul started racing. I've never actually been here."

Buck shook his head. "Too many years on this track to keep straight and now I'm a God damn tour guide. Oh shit, sorry Father."

"I'm not a priest yet, Buck, don't change who you are or how you talk for me. I'm guessing God has a lot more to worry about than the way anyone speaks and it certainly doesn't bother me." _Yet?_

"Okay then, tell me whatcha know and where I should start?"

"I don't know what we're racing, so I don't really know how to answer that."

I watched as Buck rubbed Edward's head. "You really are Paul's baby bro, aren't ya? We usually give the newbie tourists the granny cars, but I've got a couple CART cars that could use a lap or two. You up for that?" He looked back at me, then at Edward again. "What about surfer boy back there, can he handle it?"

Edward looked at me speculatively with a fucking gleam in his eye. He tilted his head and nodded. "He was pretty good on the sand when we went sand railing. Just teach him proper brake usage and he'll do fine." _Edward and Bubba critiquing me? Fuck my life. So much for trying something new._

I sat through the hillbilly version of racing training, where Edward, the perfectionist, listened intently, nodding at all the appropriate times and Bubba had the audacity to ask me on three separate occasions, "You got that surfer-boy?" I mean seriously, how hard could it be? It was an oval track that you drive a car around. It's not that hard.

When we finally got onto the track, Bubba suggested I sit shotgun and watch Edward while he took his car around the track to get a feel for the car. I was a little pissy and reminded him I paid to drive my own car. That earned me another Bubba eye roll and a, "well just watch then, I guess."

Edward hurled himself through the window like some sort of Dukes of Hazzard wannabe and strapped himself in. He checked all the gauges, gave Buck a thumbs up and squealed his tires as he took off. As pissed off as I was over everything that happened this morning, I couldn't deny that was hot.

Buck put his hand on my shoulder. "Now that's a Masen for ya. A lot of flash, with the chops to back it up!" I just nodded and smiled back at him. "We better get off the track, before he's back around."

He put on the headset and pulled the mic in front of his mouth. "Lookin' real good Eddie, take another lap and don't be afraid to open it up a little more."

I snorted. He really didn't know Edward. Edward whipped past us with his hand out the window. I guess Edward was talking to Buck, because I heard Buck say, "Yeah, we know it's a little loose in the back, but go ahead and open it up."

Damn, if Edward didn't blow by us at lightning speed. He didn't wave at us this lap. "That boy's a born race car driver," Buck said to me, then pulled the mic down to speak to Edward. "Alright Masen, pull it in." Buck paused, I guess listening to Edward again. "Shit, we're not supposed to let y'all, but let's say you didn't ask and do it anyway. You only live once, right?"

Edward came in faster than I thought he should and I was worried about him overshooting us, when Buck told me to stand back. Edward's car started to slow, then made donuts, leaving a circle of rubber on the track, before it fully stopped. I heard Buck tell whoever was on the mic that he'd talk to the driver and saw him give a thumbs-up to the tower on the other side of the track.

"Hells bells boy, everyone took notice of you!" He fist bumped Edward. "This is where I tell you not to do that again, okay?"

Edward looked up at the tower and nodded. I couldn't see his face, but I'm sure he looked contrite. _Fucking liar._

I couldn't be mad at him when he actually did turn to me and his face was all lit up. _My boy is radiant and I had a part in doing that. _

He mouthed "Thank you," and I smiled and nodded at him.

I was a little surprised when the crew took the car Edward was driving away. I wanted to find out what the hell was going on, but didn't want to interrupt as Edward was breaking down the "feel of the car" with Buck.

I was trying not to be irritated, when a much older and beat up car pulled up. _This better not be the granny car Buck was talking about earlier._

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have laid down so much rubber on the track. I think I ruined the tires for you."

Remembering the look on Edward's face just a moment ago, I realized I wouldn't trade that for the best car on the track. "No problem, this will do just fine."

I awkwardly got into the window, realizing the doors were welded shut. I checked all the gauges like I vaguely remember Buck telling us to. They were all there and seem to be working. Now I loved my boy, but I refuse to be out done by him, so I prepared to peel out.

Fuck if I didn't stall. I heard Edward's voice in my helmet. Your car is a training car. It's got some safety features built in that the one I was driving didn't have. _Of course it does, and now I look like a dumb-ass. Fuck!_

I started it back up and looked in the rear view mirror to see Bubba Buck laughing and Edward with the head set on, waving.

The car topped out at ninety five. It was harder than it looked. I fishtailed a little through the first turn, because my instinct was to hit the brakes, but I was glad when I remembered that Edward said to keep my foot on the accelerator during the turns. It was crazy to feel the pull of the car.

"Looking good, Hale!" I heard Edward say as I continued to gain speed, passing him and Buck.

It was great, the adrenaline rush was unreal, it was a little like taking a barrel at North Shore. It took concentration. I was an idiot, there was more to this sport than driving around a track.

"Alright son, bring her in now." I would have loved to show off and done some bad ass move like Edward, but since I was pretty sure the car was fixed so I couldn't I just pulled up to Edward and Buck.

I climbed out the window and shook Buck's hand. "I owe you an apology."

Buck looked up from his clipboard with a surprised look on his face. "This was a lot harder and a hell of a lot more fun than I gave it credit for. Thanks for the ride of my life, the adrenaline rush was fucking unreal! I totally got what you were saying when I hit the first turn and my first instinct was to slow down."

"Well shit, surfer boy, there might be hope for you yet!" Buck said before spitting on the track.

When I looked back at Edward, I kinda expected him to be all proud of me for being so altruistic and humble and shit. It's not like I did it for that, but more because that's who he is. That's not what I saw at all, though. Fuck me standing. He. Was. Checking. Me. Out. He looked at me like I was a shot of Patron at an AA meeting. I watched as he took a deep breath, shook his head and smiled shyly at me.

His reaction threw me for a loop. I tried to listen to Buck ramble about carburetors and fuel injection systems as Edward sped up to walk along the other side of Buck, but all I could think of was the hungry look in his eyes. I took a shot and glanced over to Edward who was watching me and I actually blushed at getting caught staring at him.

"Boy, you hear me?"

"What?"

"You got water in your ears from all that surfing? I said, we have another slot this afternoon, you boys want to race again after lunch? I can get you the KART car, and then you could really let loose."

As much as I wanted to, we still had several hours of driving ahead of us before we got back.

"Thanks so much for the offer, but unfortunately we still have a long drive ahead of us and I promised to get this guy back by dinner time. I can't tell you how much I appreciate the offer though," I told him as I shook his hand.

Edward looked confused, but offered his hand out to Buck, who promptly used it to pull him into a big bear hug. Buck pulled away and put both hands on Edward's shoulders. "You tell Paul we miss him 'round these parts and to get his ass down here and back into a car where he belongs. The same goes for you. That priest thing ever falls through, you come see me. It would do my heart good to see a Masen on this track again. You've got that racer intuition that your brother did. No offense father, but it's damn near sacrilegious that you're not out here racing every day."

Edward blushed at the compliment and shook Buck's hand wordlessly.

We left our gear in the locker room and stopped by the souvenir shop on our way back to the RV. I bought both of us baseball hats and Edward excitedly picked up something for Paul, Bella and Fr. Carlisle.

I had Pete arrange for lunch to be delivered and it was waiting on the table when we walked into the RV. Pete had already secured the privacy screen and was waiting in the driver's seat, playing on his laptop. I pressed the button on the wall to let him know we could go at anytime now.

"So, I guess my idea for us to try something new together was all shot to hell, huh?" I asked, trying to fill the void with useless words.

Edward chuckled. "Are you kidding me? That was fantastic! Could you feel the rush from being thrust back into your seat from the speed of the car?"

"Um no, I had the granny car remember?" We looked at each other and started to bust up.

Edward practically preened when he said, "Yeah, I'd apologize for that except that would mean I wouldn't have been able to do the donut and it was awe-some!"

"Where'd you learn how to do that? I have to say, that was totally bad ass."

"I've actually never done that before, but I always wanted to. Paul and my other brother Garrett were always messing around with cars. I was just the annoying little brother they wanted nothing to do with. They'd always mess with my head and make me go away, but I picked up a couple of things before I would run off and find Alice and Bella, who actually wanted me to hang out with them. Paul used to do donuts all the time and I remember him telling Garrett and our other brother Liam how to do them. I couldn't wait until I could drive so I could try. I guess I just forgot when I finally got my license and by then Liam, Paul and Garrett had been out of the house for years.

"As soon as I got in the car, I could hear Alice's voice pushing me to do it. It was seriously one of the coolest moments of my life!" He reached over the table and touched my arm. "Thanks, Jazz."

I fucking blushed again. I had no words, so I just nodded.

We ate in relative silence.

"Do you want to play Xbox?" I asked him.

"Nah, are we really heading back to Bella and Rose's or are you taking me on another adventure?"

I chuckled. "Nope, we're really heading back."

"How long is it going to take?"

"About three to four hours, depending on traffic. See this is why I wanted Peter with us, I hate all the wasted time."

"I don't know, the trip down to Glamis wasn't so bad."

"Are you kidding me? You fucking harped and begged the whole way down there. Are we there yet? Where are we going? How 'bout now?" I teased.

"I did _not_," Edward answered indignantly.

"Yeah, ya kinda did." I laughed.

"Hey Jazz, can I ask you a question?"

"You don't need to ask, but sure."

"Why all the high adrenaline choices? I mean I know it's the bucket list thing, but what did you want me to take away from the experiences. I'm wondering if I learned what you wanted me to learn."

I smiled contemplatively._ My overachieving boy_.

"I told you, I didn't have any expectations other than for you to not have expectations. I had some criteria for my choices. They had to be relatively close. I wanted them to allow you to let loose, but be safe. I wanted you to be able to use your natural instincts instead of thinking ahead. I wanted you to be able to just feel and enjoy instead of anticipate what was the right way to go about something.

"I found my Zen in surfing, I wasn't trying to help you find your surfing or anything, but I wanted you to be able to open up your mind to some possibilities so that when you came across your Zen, you would know it when you saw it. Does that make sense?"

He nodded. "But why sand-railing and race car driving?"

I looked into his eyes and answered him. "I hate to disappoint you, but there wasn't as much thought behind them as you think. I'm not you. I had done sand-railing and I thought it would be fun to do with you. As far as today goes, I had never done it and I wanted to try something new with you. It was just in the geographically acceptable area.

"I have to be honest, I want to do a thousand more things like this with you. I want to go to Sonoma and learn how to make wine with you. I want to go to New Orleans and watch you blush as I take you into all the shops in the French Quarter and catch beads with you during Mardi Gras. I want to ride in an air balloon over the Santa Fe skyline. I want to go to the top of the Sears tower in Chicago and go to a Cubs game at Wrigley Stadium with you. I want to kiss you on New Years in Times Square and see Ground Zero with you. My list was endless, and those are just the things I want to do in public with you."

I saw his eyes widen as he processed what I said.

"I want all of those things too," he whispered back.

I swallowed. This was it. I took a deep breath. "Edward, I love you. Choose me. Come with me to Costa Rica tomorrow."

Edward was painfully silent. "I can't."

**A/N** Sorry to leave you hanging after such a long wait, but putting 13,000 words in a chapter was just too much! Please remember that part two is written and will go out next week. Please let me know your thoughts and feedback.

**Recs:** Okay while I spent a good part of the month hiding from this chapter I read some wonderful stuff.

A new MAN (that's right girls, slash from a man's perspective!) slash writer, Jackson McCoy put out his first story. It's a Jake/Jasper wolf/vamp fic. If you know me you know I'm VERY canon, but I have to say, give this a try… It's Yummy! Too Close http:/ www . fanfiction . net /s/6456520/1/ Too_close

You all know I'm usually late to the game, so I'm sure a lot of you have read this, but Strae's What Matters knocked my socks off! Read it, I read it in one shot because I could not walk away from the computer. SO SO hot. http: / www . /s/6230613/1/ What_Matters

Finally, Are you ready for some Fabulous Slash by a group of your favorite authors? The Slashtastics are coming! They will post a story that will be updated by a group of our favorite authors chapter by chapter! There are over 30 contributing authors including my fabulous beta, Savannah_Vee. Can you imagine how Starfish422 and OfTheDamned would continue a story after Meikela and ArcardianMaggie start it? Check it out and alert them RIGHT NOW! http:/ www. fanfiction . net /~theslashtastics


	11. Chapter 11 Just The Beginning

**A/N** Finally! I kept my promise on getting out a timely update. Thank you to each of you who read, review, alert, and favorited this story. I was overwhelmed with alerts this time around.

I literally couldn't write this without Mathab, Loca37, CherBella, carrottop81690 and super fabulous betas Siobhan'x & Savannah_Vee.

As always, Stephanie Meyer would hate what I'm doing to her characters, but I am head over heels in love with them.

**SIDE NOTE:** My dear Embracingtws/Shahida you always write such lovely things in your reviews and even checked on me while I was gone for so long, but you have your PMs turned off so I can't thank you properly. I'm going to take the opportunity to do so now though – thank you bb!

**Chapter 11 Just the Beginning**

JPOV

I felt like I had been punched in the gut and the walls of the RV were closing in on me. I wanted to get out of the fucking RV immediately. I could never think in enclosed spaces. Only one thought ran through my head. _He doesn't want me. _

"Let me explain."

"No, it's okay. I told you I wouldn't push you and I won't. I get it. I always knew this was a possibility-"

"-Jasper, listen to me, please!

"I have obligations; I can't just leave Fr. Carlisle a message that I'm not coming because I've run off to Costa Rica. I have to talk to him and so many other people. Just because I can't go to Costa Rica with you, doesn't mean my feelings have changed. I love you."

It wasn't what I wanted to hear, but I reminded myself we were on his time-line. I nodded in response to him.

Unable to stay silent, I told him, "I love you, too. I need you to understand that you are my life now."

I was rewarded with a smile that allowed me to feel like I could breathe again. _He loves me and that is enough_. I sighed. _It had to be enough._

"Thank you for today and the past two weeks. They've been the best two weeks of my life. I don't know why you put up with me, but you never pushed me-"

"-That's not true," I interrupted. "Less than two days ago, I watched you fall apart in my arms and it nearly killed me."

"Yeah well, that was kind of my fault-"

"No it wasn't, Edward! I'm the one with all the fucking urges I should control better-"

"Jazz, I was in my head that night. The kite-surfing, the bonfire and then the guys afterward, it was so much to process. But you should know, I researched more than the kite-surfing." He let the words hang, as I processed what he said.

"The porn?"

He blushed, and wouldn't look at me. He was a perfect dichotomy of sweet and sexy as he nodded.

"I know we said we'd let things just happen, but there are a lot of things…physically, that I had questions about-"

"-And you couldn't have just asked me?"

"No. I mean, I'm sure you would have told me, but I-I-I wanted to please you. I-I-I just wanted to be the one to give you something; after all you've given me." _Just when I didn't think I could love him more…_

It didn't slip my mind that he broke the rules a bit. I was starting to wonder if it was a fair rule, if by following it, it forced him to change something that so clearly defined who he was. I took a deep breath and exhaled.

"Did you rent something at the video store?" I asked, wondering what he had seen and unconsciously adjusting myself in the process.

"Oh God, no!"

I smirked at his words. I didn't know this Fr. Carlisle, but I was pretty sure he was going to kick my ass for returning Edward to him with his new vocabulary. I made a mental note to figure out how to blame Emmett somehow.

"I-I looked stuff up online. Did you know that you don't even need to pay on some of the sites?"

_Duh._ I chuckled and nodded. "What did you watch?" I tried to think of dead kittens and other shit, but the thought of my boy watching internet porn was so fucking hot.

"I wanted to see men look at each other the way you look at me, but it was all so rehearsed and wrong. They didn't care for each other, it was just sex." He said in a disgusted tone and I couldn't help wonder if he was thinking of my life before him.

"It is. Sex isn't necessarily about love, Edward. It can be a mutually pleasurable experience two people engage in and nothing more."

"Is that what you want from me?"

I was actually insulted. "I think I've proven to you otherwise," I answered defensively.

"No, all the physical stuff." He paused and then continued, "Because I'm not sure I can do everything."

"I don't know what you saw. Yes, I want to physically express my love for you, but never in a way that would hurt you or in a way you were unprepared for." I decided we were way too far apart as I scooted close to him and grabbed his hands in my own.

"I just don't know if I'm going to be very good at this."

I snorted. "You were fine last night."

He blushed again. "But see that's what I mean, last night was incredible. I've never felt like that before. I can't stop thinking about it, even on the race track I thought about the way your eyes looked down on me-"

"-But?" I interrupted.

"But what if I'm no good at this? I don't think I'll ever be able to have sex without love. You've been with lots of men. I don't know how to lick or suck… I didn't even know there was more than one position for men to have sex! I just figured one bent over and the other, you know… And how do you decide who does what? Do you take turns?

"Jasper, I re-played the video five times to study the logistics of the different positions. I had no idea! How am I ever supposed to please you?" _Edward, porn…replayed video five times…fuuuuck!_

I answered him by climbing on top of him and grinding my erection on his leg as I trailed kisses up to his ear.

"There has never been a _moment_ that you and I were together that you haven't pleased me beyond my wildest imagination," I whispered in his ear. "Can you feel how hard I am for you? That is what you do to me every fucking day."

Edward groaned as his eyes rolled in the back of his head. I attacked his neck and the junction where his neck met his shoulder.

"The fact that no-one had touched you like I touch you and that your body responds exquisitely to my touch, and my touch alone, is more of a turn on than you will ever know." I told him as I pulled his shirt over his head and did the same with mine.

We were breathing heavily and staring into each other's eyes when Edward crushed his lips with mine, pulling me closer by my hair which felt so fucking good. We ground into each other seeking the friction both of us craved. He continued kissing me along my neck and nibbling my chest.

"Jasper, I need to see it, I need to see all of you. Can I?" I grabbed his hand and led him back to the bedroom. I knew no-one could see inside the windows, but I wanted to give us more room.

I had him sit on the edge of the bed and he shook his head. He pushed me on the bed and knelt down to remove my shoes, exactly as I had done to him last night. I watched as he used the toe of his shoes on the heel of the other shoe and flipped off his own tennis shoes. He pushed my chest lightly so my back was flat on the bed. His eyes were trained on me as he unbuttoned my fly, one button at a time, kissing each button as he went. I lifted slightly as he dragged my jeans down, taking my boxer briefs with them, allowing my cock to bounce as it was freed from the jeans that contained it. Edward reverently folded my jeans and underwear. He pulled each sock off one by one, placing them on the neat pile he just created.

He got up and I prepared for him to join me on the bed, and he walked out. _What the hell?_

"Edward?" I called as I propped myself up on both elbows.

He came back into the room with a bowl.

He wordlessly knelt before me, before sitting completely on the floor. I watched, stunned, as he took a wash cloth and cleaned each of my feet. "In the days of Jesus, foot washing, while a necessity because people did not shower each day like we do now, was reserved for the poorest and least important of all the servants. Equals never washed each other's feet except as a way to demonstrate great love."

I had tears in my eyes as he continued, "In John 13, Jesus shocks his disciples, by washing their feet."

He looked me straight in the eyes, smiled and went on, "When done in love, there is no act that is dirty or unclean and I see that now. I love you, Jasper Whitlock Hale."

I had tears streaming down my face as I pulled him toward me. "God damn it, boy! You've reduced me to a sniveling bitch!" I chuckled, wiping my cheeks with the back of my hand. "Edward Masen, this whole time I have been so grateful that you loved me and were mine, but I was wrong. I am yours. You own my ass.

"You think that I'm the experienced one? I don't think I know a fraction of what seems to come to you so naturally. I am the fucking novice in this relationship and if it takes a lifetime to learn all I need to love you the way you deserved to be loved, it still won't be enough time."

I needed all of him and made quick work of his jeans and briefs.

"You are so beautiful, inside and out," I told him as I trailed my fingers down his abs, over his hip bone and along the outside of his thighs, making him buck up in anticipation. "Part of me wants to be ashamed for taking sex so lightly now that I can see what it really means when you love someone."

Edward tried to protest, but I placed my finger on his lips and continued, "but a bigger part of me wonders if I was just supposed to go through what I did, to come to you as the man I am now, totally devoted to you."

I searched out his eyes and waited for him to look at me. "Edward? I promise to show you everything I know," I told him as I ran my finger from his perineum, over his balls and back again, causing him to moan loudly.

I smirked at the reaction, before I enveloped his whole cock with my mouth, taking him immediately to the back of my throat as I hummed.

"Oh my God! Oh my god, Jazz!" I relentlessly sucked , taking all of him as deep as he would go. I knew he was close. I palmed his balls and purposely ran my finger along his ass crack, circling his tight hole, as he screamed out my name and shattered in front of me. It was one of the most magnificent things I had ever had the privilege to watch.

It took him a good two minutes to come down from his orgasmic high. I smugly ran my fingers through his hair as his breathing normalized and the world around him came back into focus. _A lifetime will never be enough with this man._

He looked up from his spot on my shoulder and pulled me down to kiss me. "Thank you."

He continued to kiss me as he fisted my shaft.

"You don't have to, Edward, this afternoon was for you."

He smirked at me. "If that's true, let me continue." He continued to touch and explore and his light touches drove me crazy. "That thing you did to me, touching my butt, do you like that?"

"Very much so."

"No one had ever done that to me before, I didn't think I'd like it, but I did."

I smirked. "I could tell."

"Can I touch you there?"

"Do you want to?"

"Yeah, I just don't want to mess up or anything."

I smiled. "You won't, but that area needs lubrication to be properly stimulated. Reach over in my side table drawer and pull out the black tube that's in there." He pulled out the Aros lube I kept in there, as I pulled the comforter off the bed.

"There's lots of different kinds of lubes, this one is probably the best but it's silicon based and can get a little messy." I stared as he dribbled the lube on his fingers and played with it just a bit.

"How does it work?" He asked heatedly. I took the lube out of his hands and dripped it down my fingers, then rubbed my hands together spreading the lube equally on each hand.

"Lube has a couple of purposes." I flattened my hands and rubbed the shiny liquid over his pecs, shoulders and abs as he whimpered in the sensation, still sensitive in his post-orgasmic state. "It can be used as massage oil." I told him hoarsely as I dribbled more lube into the palm of my hands. "I use it mostly on my cock though." Instead of touching myself, which I was aching to do, I grabbed his cock, lathering it in lube.

I looked down as my boy writhed in unexpected pleasure. "Can you feel the difference, Edward?"

I knew he was unable to answer me as I stroked his already hard cock covered in lube and massaged his balls with my other hand.

I smirked knowing this was far from over. "You like that, don't you?"

"Arumphpppmmmff!"

He was glistening and hard, coiled up like a spring. "I didn't forget what else you liked, Edward," I whispered menacingly as I took my lubed finger and ran it once again along his crack as he clenched around my fingers.

"Relax, baby, I won't hurt you."

He looked at me with such trust and passion, that I stayed motionless, lost in his eyes, for a second or more. I grabbed the lube and put even more on my fingers. Normally it would have been too much, but I wanted to be safe.

I reached under him and began to circle the puckered hole as he continued to squirm under me.

"Stay still!"

I slowly circled until I felt him relax under my ministrations and he began pushing back on my finger. Giving him what his body called out for, I pushed through his tight barrier with my thumb as I continued to stoke his perineum area. He didn't last thirty seconds before he came again.

_Holy hell, I'm never going to get tired of this._

This time, as he came down from his high, I was the one to whisper "thank you" in his ear.

"Why are _you_ thanking me? He asked hoarsely.

"That is the most vulnerable a person can be, and you gave it to me so freely. "Thank you," I told him, my words steeped in emotion.

He looked down at me and acknowledged my emotion, but his eyes flared. "Are you ready to be that vulnerable with me?"

He kissed me passionately and grabbed the lube from the center of the bed and squeezed a shitload on his fingers. He already looked like those fucking steroid using motherfuckers who worked at a strip club, but I didn't say a word.

He grabbed my cock with his lubed hand, which almost made me jump off the bed. Watching him cum twice had me so worked up, it wouldn't take me long. He stroked expertly along my length as I reveled under his touch.

I was so lost in the moment of his attention, that I almost missed it as he lowered his mouth towards my cock.

I pulled him away, as the hurt flashed over his face.

"It's not that I don't want that from you, it's that this lube is not tasty at all."

He smiled as he accepted the information I offered and moved so he was situated between my legs anyway. I groaned at the sight of Edward in that position. He stroked the underside of my balls and focused on the perineum area, seemingly fascinated. I was going insane as he stroked, brushed and massaged me.

He ventured closer and closer to my ass.

"Yesssssssssss!" I screamed once he finally touched it. He tensed, startled, and began to stroke it.

"Fuck yeah, please, Edward, pleeeeeease!"

He pushed in me wordlessly, as I grabbed my cock and began to pump in time with him. "Add another finger," I commanded.

"I don't want to hurt you."

"You won't, add another finger."

He pushed in and out as I kept time with my cock. I wanted to ask him to add a third finger, but thought better of it.

"You. Are. Fucking . Amazing." I screamed as I clenched around him and shot my cum all over my hands and chest.

He pulled out of me and held his hands behind him. I took in the scene around us and started to laugh. All I wanted to do was close my eyes and sleep next to Edward, but between our slippery bodies and grease soaked sheets, I knew we needed a shower.

I kissed him reverently on the lips and led him to the shower. I knew from experience if there were two of us in there, there would be no place for me to kneel down. I turned on the shower and allowed the water to heat up as I pulled a couple washcloths and towels out of the linen closet. I walked him in and pulled the shower curtain half way closed behind him. I laid a towel under my knees on the outside of the shower and began to wash his feet and legs, remembering the story he had told me.

Standing up, I took a moment to appreciate the glistening God of a man before me and then I continued washing up his body with soap and water, eliminating the silky lube off his skin as I cleaned.

"Stay there, alright?" He nodded in assent.

I took the soap and washcloth and wiped me down outside of the shower, getting most of the lube off of me before I stepped in and joined him. I gave him a clean washcloth and instructed him to clean his face, while I continued to wash myself in the enclosed space.

I washed my hair and rinsed it as he watched me. "See something you like, Masen?"

He laughed and rolled his eyes.

I poured a dollop of shampoo in the palm of my hand and began washing his hair. He closed his eyes as I scrubbed and massaged his head. I turned him around and dipped his head back to rinse the soap out of his hair. When I was finally done, I kissed his shoulder and turned off the water.

I grabbed one of the towels I took out with the washcloths and slowly dried him off. When I went to grab the other towel for myself, he stopped me and dried me off himself.

We walked hand in hand into the disaster area that was our bedroom. I smirked as I quickly stripped the sheets and tossed them in the corner. We made the bed in no time and crawled in naked under the covers. I was ready to curl up with him as I felt the RV make a turn. Curiosity got the best of me and I looked out the window.

"Shit! We're back in Long Beach already!"

"What?"

"We're about five minutes from the house; we've got to get dressed. Now!"

I threw on the jeans I was wearing earlier and grabbed another tee shirt out of my drawer. Edward put on a new pair of shorts.

"I can't find my shirt!"

I grabbed another shirt out of the drawer and handed it to him, admiring how he looked in it.

We straightened up the bedroom and made the bed. I found the shirts we had taken off on the couch earlier and threw it on the pile of sheets in the corner of the bedroom with the rest of the dirty clothes and towels.

"You want to play Xbox?"

I snickered. "Aren't we taking this covert thing a little too far? It's not like I got caught with my hand down your pants."

"Oh, sorry."

The RV stopped and we both looked at each other.

"You ready?"

He shook his head. "I don't want this to be over yet."

I smiled. "It's not, it's just the beginning."

_AoG_

We didn't get to the door, before it flew open.

"'Bout fucking time you assholes got here! I've been waiting for hours while the girls were cooking."

Emmett pulled Edward into a huge hug that he promptly returned.

"What up, Jazz? I hear you took my man to Glamis. How come I didn't warrant an invite, bitch?"

I laughed and shrugged my shoulders. "I guess I remember the last time I traveled with you in this and you blew up my toilet!"

Emmett looked down. "Still dude, Glamis?"

Edward interrupted, "When Jasper took me in the dune buggy, the first thing I thought of was how much I thought you'd enjoy it."

Emmett excitedly told him about our previous Glamis trips. "Next time, dude."

We all walked into the kitchen of Rose and Bella's house.

"Hey, you're back!" Bella exclaimed, jumping into Edward's arms. "I missed you!"

I gripped the counter as I watched him close his eyes and hug her back, swaying slightly.

Rose looked at me worriedly, as she kissed my cheek. "How was the trip?" My eyes were still locked on Bella and Edward as he saw me watch them and put her down.

"It was great! Arguably the best two days of my life," Edward answered looking back at me, smiling.

Rose's eyebrows shot up as she absorbed his answer and looked over to Bella.

"What did you all do in Glamis?" Rose asked. Emmett promptly filled everyone in on the details we had already given him as I reached in the fridge for a couple of beers. Edward and Emmett took one each and the girls continued to drink their wine. I was exhausted and slumped down to sit on the wooden kitchen floor. Edward ran out to the RV with Emmett to get the souvenir for Bella.

Rose continued to look between Bella and myself as she fussed with whatever they were making for dinner. I was leaning against the cupboards and had just closed my eyes when Emmett came barreling in, slamming the kitchen screen door behind him.

"Rosie, you're never gonna believe where else these fuckers went! I am so going next time!"

Edward came into the kitchen with pink cheeks. "Here's your souvenir, B."

She smiled as she took it from his hands, then her head snapped up to look at his face. "You remembered," she gushed as she hugged him once again.

That caught my attention.

Bella turned to explain, "I used to have a big crush on Alice and Edward's older brothers. They were all too old for me, but his brother, Garrett, was more of a flirt than the rest of them. He gave me this baseball hat one day and I wore it for two weeks. What he didn't tell me was that it was Paul's hat. So when Paul figured out I had his hat, he took it back and I was devastated for months.

"Did you go all the way there for me?" She asked him incredulously. _Are you fucking kidding me?_

"No, I didn't even know where we were going."

"Where in the hell is this place? Apparently I'm the only one who doesn't know what the fuck you all are talking about." Rose interrupted, annoyed that she was out of the loop.

"Willow Springs, baby!" Emmett answered her.

"And that means what the fuck to me?"

"It's a race track. They drove race cars, baby! How sick is that?"

Rose turned to me, confused. "You took _him_ there, so he could buy _her_ a hat?"

I shook my head. "I didn't know he or Bella had any history with the place. Just lucky, I guess." I shrugged, hoping the sarcasm wasn't as evident as I meant it.

Rose's eyes narrowed, as she looked over to Edward. "Jasper took you to this Willow place and you bought Bella a souvenir?"

Edward looked back at her nervously. "I bought Fr. Carlisle and Paul one too."

"Uh, huh."

Her words just hung in the air as all of us silently looked at each other.

"Jazz man, you need another beer?" I looked at my half drunk bottle of beer and nodded yes. I drank the rest of it in one gulp before handing the empty to Emmett.

"Edward?" He shook his head and sat on the floor across the kitchen from me. Bella sat next to him and put her head on his shoulder as I tensed at the sight.

"Tell me what it's like there. I've always wondered."

I told them all about Buck and how he thought Edward was the second coming of Christ. Edward made everyone laugh as he explained Buck's not-so-impressed reaction to me. I think Emmett almost peed his pants when I did an impression of Buck explaining that it wasn't a sport unless there was chew involved. We literally laughed for hours recounting the last two days. We all got so comfortable on the kitchen floor we ended up putting the fajitas, beans and rice the girls had made for dinner on hot pads in the pans they were cooked in and ate directly out of the pans.

Bella stayed close to Edward, but every once in a while he would brush his foot with mine to let me know he was there. Rose sat down next to me and quietly told me she was going to be sorry to see me go tomorrow as she held my hand stoically. I was going to miss her too.

We must have been a mildly drunken emotional mess when Jacob walked in. I nodded up at him, as Emmett retold all of our stories, doing a much better impression of Buck than I ever could. Jacob nodded and gave a forced laugh, but I could tell something was wrong.

"Jake, you cool dude?" I asked.

"Sure. Can I see you for a couple minutes, to go over the itinerary for the next couple of weeks?"

"Now?"

"Yeah, now dude, I've got a couple of appearances that I need to go over with you," He answered forcibly.

Edward was sitting straight up, paying close attention to our interaction.

I smiled at my sweet protective boy as Jake and I went out on the patio to talk.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" He seethed.

I was sleepy and buzzed and didn't quite know what he was talking about. "What the hell, Jake?"

"You leave for two days, making Bella crawl the walls that her best friend is spending his last two days with you instead of her! What the fuck are you thinking?

"I needed this thing _done_ between them. They needed time to fucking sort their shit out, and you go and whisk him away to do God knows what. I know you, man. What the hell is going on between you two?"

"It's none of your fucking business, _Jacob_!"

"Bullshit! It is most definitely _my _fucking business. Sand-railing? Race car driving? Are you shitting me? You have a contract to adhere to. I don't get to say shit about what you do off-season, but apparently you've forgotten you have an extreme sports clause in your contract. No motorsports. Period."

"That's crap, Jake, we've gone to Glamis during competition and you know it."

"The fuck we have. We went the day after the season ended last year. My life revolves around protecting your shit and in one weekend you go and try to fuck it all up. There are teams of people who depend on you, you fucking selfish bastard!

"Is getting your kink on by fucking a priest worth risking your career over?"

I was stone cold sober at this point. Adrenaline rushed through my system as I cocked my arm back and punched Jake square in the jaw.

"Oh shit!" I heard Emmett yell from the kitchen, as I turned to see Rose, Em, Bella and Edward crowd in the kitchen door frame.

I stood over Jake who was laid out on the patio. "Not that you deserve to know, but Edward and I aren't fucking, but the answer is yes, he is worth it. I quit, asshole." I left him there and I walked toward the beach.

Even though it had been only two days, I could feel myself center as soon as my feet hit the sand. I fell down in the sand, clutching sand in both hands and stared at the ocean, allowing it to sooth my soul and calm my spirit.

I thought over the past two days and knew I had made the right decision. I couldn't ask Edward to give up a life he had intended to live if I wasn't willing to do the same.

I was much calmer as I headed back to the house. I would just go with Edward. He shouldn't have to face Fr. Carlisle or anyone else without me by his side. We would tell them and start building our lives together. This was a good thing. I never surfed for the money, and not competing didn't mean not surfing. Maybe we could do all those things together now. This would be our time.

I was practically euphoric when I opened the front door. Emmett and Rose were nowhere to be found, but I could hear Bella and Edward in her bedroom. I stood outside the hallway, not wanting to interrupt, but anxious to see my boy and let him know what I had decided.

I couldn't help overhear them as their voices rose.

"…_so what exactly are you saying, Edward? Are you gay now?"_

"_I don't know, I'm not sure, but I do love Jasper."_

"_Edward, you love everybody, that's just who you are. Do you love me?"_

"_You know I do."_

"_Well, you just proved my point. You're not gay. I would know if you were gay. We grew up together, I know you better than anyone. I know your heart and your soul. You. Are. Not. Gay."_

"_Are you saying it would be a bad thing if I was? What about Jasper? Is it wrong that he's gay?"_

"_Damn it, Edward, you're twisting my words. Being gay is not a bad thing. I've NEVER had a problem with Jasper or any other gay person, it's not like it's a choice. But Edward, people figure out they're gay early on. Is that what happened to you and you never told me about it?"_

Edward said something I couldn't hear.

"_Jasper probably pushed himself on you without you even realizing it. You're a people pleaser by nature. Are you sure you aren't just confused and want to give Jasper what he expects of you?"_

"_I love him."_

"_But can you honestly tell me you are in love with him after only two weeks? That's insane."_

"_He makes me happier than I've ever been before. He makes me feel, to want to feel. He cares about me in a way no other person ever has. I am a better man because of him."_

There was silence for a long time.

"_Alice would not approve and you and I both know it. This is why you didn't tell me before, you're ashamed of your behavior…and you should be. You know in your heart this isn't you."_

"_Bella, I love him. It is me."_

"_What would Fr. Carlisle say? You know what the church says about homosexuality. Hell, the church is the least of your worries. How do you think your family is going to take this? They don't get more Catholic than the Masens. You'll be ostracized! Did you ever consider that?"_

"_Of course I've thought of what the implications of a relationship with Jasper would mean for my family, but Bella, we both know that I was as good as dead to them after Alice died."_

"_That's not true."_

"_It is and you know it. Mom never loved me the same after that. You were the only one who loved me. You were the only one who cared."_

I pushed the door slightly, just to be closer to my boy, whose heart was breaking. I saw Bella clutching Edward and him holding on to her for dear life as tears streamed down both of their eyes.

"_I told him, you know. I told Fr. Carlisle." Bella nodded wiping Edward's tears off of his face. "He told me to experiment and find out if what I was feeling was real. He told me to 'Test all things and hold fast to that which is good.' Jasper is what is good in my life, Bella."_

"_Is that what this is, an experiment? Experiment with me! I've always been here and I love you."_

Bile rose in my throat as I watched Bella kiss Edward. I actually began to wretch as Edward kissed her back. I backed away from the door and ran to the RV.

In a matter of minutes, my whole life had imploded. I grabbed the Patron and started drinking right out of the bottle.

_What the fuck just happened? I chose him. He chose her. Was he really just giving me what I wanted from him? He washed my fucking feet! Who does that and then kisses someone else? _

I continued to let all my insecurities pound into me as I stumbled to the bedroom to crash.

I got as far as the door and caught a whiff of the smell of the lube and Edward and I from the sheets in the corner of the room, which had probably been baking in the heat since we left.

I cried out painfully, dropping the bottle of Patron on the floor before running to the toilet to hurl.

I ran outside to get some air, and let the familiar call of the ocean pull me to the beach. I stumbled past my normal thinking spot on the sand and walked straight into the water until I was waist deep. I tried to keep walking, but the waved pushed me back to shore as I screamed at the top of my lungs how fucking unfair this was and cursing God or whatever ironic sick fuck of an entity brought Edward to me, to only take him away again.

I screamed until I couldn't talk anymore. I cried until I had no more tears. I uselessly punched and fought the waves as they relentlessly crashed against my chest, unaffected by my pleas, following their internal call of the moon. When I had had no more fight left in me, I quietly walked out of the water and back down to the sand, having nowhere else to go. I sat there shivering, staring out into the blackness.

I felt Edward come up alongside me and silently sit down, placing a blanket around my shoulders.

"What are you doing, Jazz?"

I just stared emotionlessly at him.

"Please don't do this, don't hurt yourself because of me."

I shook my head and stared down in the sand, unwilling to respond or react at this point.

"I don't want you to quit surfing for me or anyone else. It's who you are, it's a part of you. You need to go with Jake to Costa Rica."

"I chose you. Why wasn't I good enough for you to choose me back?" I hoarsely begged him to explain.

Edward squared his shoulders. "You need to get on that plane with Jacob, because I'm leaving as planned tomorrow. There is nothing for you here anymore. Go back to the life you deserve to live, the life you loved, before I screwed it all up."

Everything in me screamed to beg him to stay, but he had already chosen and it wasn't me. So I remained silent as he placed his hand on my shoulder before turning and walking away.

**A/N: **So now you know why this chapter was so hard to write. My pre-readers were even unhappy with me! One of them told me she kidnapped Surfsper and won't let me have him back until I fix this. I explained to another, that this was always in the outline, but that when I outlined it after the one-shot I hadn't fully fallen in love with these boys. ::sigh:: This was tough. Edward's POV is next and will be out before Christmas.

Do you have any thoughts that don't involve cuss words? Any that do? Please give me hit the review button and let me know what you thought of this chapter.


	12. Chapter 12 Shindigs and Sacrifices

**A/N** The reviews were a little tough last chapter, so I hope Edward's POV give's y'all a little more perspective.

A huge thanks to Savannah_Vee and Siobhan'x who beta'ed this bad boy so quickly for me, as well as making me look like I'm somewhat literate. I can't thank CherBella, Loca37, carrottop81690 and Mathab enough for the support and pre-reading fabulousness. I truly love ya.

As always, Stephanie Meyer would hate what I'm doing to her characters, but I am head over heels in love with them.

**Chapter 12 – Shin-digs and Sacrifices**

It was surreal sitting in the kitchen watching Jasper make Emmett laugh at Buck and his philosophy of spitting and sports. I couldn't stop smiling and Emmett couldn't stop laughing.

I took a second to look around the room. I remembered counseling a young man who had lost his parents and telling him that sometimes God provides an opportunity to choose your family. _This is my chosen family, this is what I want._

I extended my leg for the third time tonight to brush up against Jazz's foot. He barely acknowledged me, I'm not even sure he knew if I was doing it on purpose. I was the one who needed the contact.

Bella put her head on my shoulder. I smiled, realizing I was finally ready to tell her about Jasper and everything that was going on in my life. It was long overdue.

I wasn't sure she would remember the Willow Springs hat, but of course she did. At first, I thought that Jasper had maybe asked Bella and found out about Willow Springs, but it turned out to be some weird coincidence. I accepted it as just another puzzle piece of our separate lives coming together. Rose didn't.

She questioned Jasper for taking me there and me for getting Bella a souvenir. I truly didn't know what the big deal was. It wasn't like I could have gone_ there_ and not gotten her anything. I ended up picking up a hat for Paul because I knew he'd appreciate it and something for Fr. Carlisle because I realized I was going to see him the next day and I didn't have one thing for him. Rose didn't seem to care. I watched her hold Jasper's hand and I wondered if her reaction was more about the fact the Jasper was leaving tomorrow, goodness knows it was killing me to think about.

We were all settled in; full from the dinner we ate out of pots on the kitchen floor. My mother would have had a heart attack, but I couldn't imagine a better way to spend an evening with all of them. It was perfect… until Jacob walked in and the whole atmosphere changed.

Emmett enthusiastically recounted all of our stories and I watched as Jacob grew more irritated as Emmett went on. I couldn't tell if he was mad because I was sitting with Bella or because Jasper had taken me instead of him. In any case, it was apparent that he wasn't happy at all.

"Jake, you cool dude?" Jasper asked.

"Sure. Can I see you for a couple minutes to go over the itinerary for the next couple of weeks?" Jacob answered.

"Now?"

"Yeah, now dude, I've got a couple of appearances that I need to go over with you," Jacob retorted rudely.

I watched their discussion and wondered if I should get up and follow them as they walked out to the front patio.

I sipped on my beer watching the door, before getting up to wash the pots and pans that were still on the ground.

Emmett stood up like he was going to help, but walked to the door instead.

"Get away from the door!" Rose hissed.

Emmett didn't move away from the door. Bella giggled and walked over to pull him away before Rosalie had to go over there. I shook my head and went back to washing the dishes with Rose until I heard Emmett exclaim, "Oh shit!"

Rose and I ran to the door to see what was going on. Jake was on the ground and Jasper was standing over him. "Not that you deserve to know, but Edward and I aren't fucking, but the answer is yes, he is worth it. I quit, asshole."

I couldn't imagine what Jacob said to Jasper to make him that angry, not even processing what Jasper had just said. I was just too worried about Jasper. I watched him walk off, unsure of what to do.

"Go to him," Rose said quietly after Bella and Emmett went out to check on Jacob.

"What?"

"Look Priest-boy, I don't know what's going on between you and my brother, but he's changed since he's met you and fuck me sideways if I haven't seen you change too. For the better, I might add.

"You've got a lot of things to work out, I imagine, namely that girl who we both consider our best friend. But now's not the time for that, go to him. He's a hot head and I think he might have just fucked up his life for you, so go. Fix it!"

I grabbed her hand and held it for a fleeting moment before I followed Jasper to the beach, running the last block. I got there in time to watch him clutch sand in both of his hands and relax.

Part of me wanted to sit next to him, but I knew this is where he came to think so I left him with his thoughts and went back to the house to figure what happened.

I got about half way there when I started replaying the scene in my head. _Did Jasper say he quit? Quit surfing? He loves surfing._

I walked up to find Emmett making jokes, trying to get Jacob to smile while Bella was holding a bag of peas on his face. I snuck past them as I looked around for Rose. She was scrubbing what looked to be an immaculate kitchen.

"Did you find him?"

I smiled and nodded. "He's sitting on the sand, thinking."

"Is he okay? Why the fuck wouldn't you talk to him, dumbass?"

"He's fine, Rose." I rolled my eyes. "He hasn't been to the beach in a couple days, it grounds him, so I didn't want to disturb that. I promise, I wouldn't have left if he wasn't okay."

Bella came in to the kitchen to get another frozen bag of vegetables. "Rose, we're gonna take him to the hos-," Bella stopped mid word when she saw me. "-When did you get back?"

"Just now."

"Did you walk past me without saying anything?"

"You were busy with Jake and I didn't want to interrupt."

"Interrupt what? Taking care of the broken nose that asshole Jasper left my boyfriend with?"

Rose and I both stiffened, but I refused to take the bait. "I didn't really know what happened, so I came in here to ask Rosalie."

"And what did she say?"

"Nothing, I haven't had a chance to ask her. Is Jacob okay?" I asked, as Rosalie took the bag of frozen peas out to Emmett and Jake.

"No, he has a broken nose. He needs to have it set before he leaves tomorrow."

"Um, okay. I guess I'll catch you later?"

"Really? That's all you have to say to me?"

My eyes widened in surprise. Bella and I were rarely antagonistic with each other. "I'm just trying to be supportive. I understand that you want to take care of Jake."

She quirked her head. "Even after what he said to you? Honestly, I'm not sure who I'm madder at; Jacob for getting everything all wrong and blowing up without thinking or Jasper for escalating this stupid misunderstanding.

"I guess I shouldn't be surprised though, Jake's told me how unstable Jasper can be."

I bristled at her jab. "I didn't see as much as you did, but from where I stood, it looks like this is all your boyfriend's fault!"

"Oh, he's clearly to blame, but Jasper's reaction was so over the top." Bella looked at me contemplatively, and then continued in a quieter tone, "Did you notice any drugs or Jasper drinking a lot while you were gone?"

"What?" I asked incredulously, a little louder than I intended. "No, Jasper doesn't do those things!"

Her expression softened a bit as she grabbed my hand. "I know you two have become close with all the surf lessons and stuff, but there's a lot you don't know about Jasper. He's not who you think he is."

I pulled my hand away from hers. "I know a lot more than you give me credit for." I took a deep breath and calmed myself down. "You're the one who doesn't know him if you think he'd start doing drugs again after all your boyfriend did to help him."

She looked up in surprise and opened her mouth to respond, and then closed it. We stared at each other for a couple of seconds, as time seemed to stop around us.

"I-"

"-Babe?" Jake interrupted nasally from the door frame.

Bella's head jerked towards Jacob.

"Rose and Emmett are going to take me to urgent care."

"No! I'll take you."

"Nah, you stay here with Edward, this is his last night and I know you want to spend time with him."

"You're hurt, I want to go."

Jake tried to snort, but apparently gagged himself in the process. I watched horrified as he coughed, clearly in pain. "It's just a broken nose, I've gotten worse in bar fights. Ja-"

"Don't you dare mention his name!" I threatened.

Jacob turned to me, squared his shoulders and squinted his eyes, before smiling and turning back to Bella.

"Babe, can you tell Rose and Emmett I'll be out in a minute?"

Bella looked at me and then Jacob and then me again, contemplating whether leaving the two of us alone was a good idea.

I really wanted to give him a piece of my mind, so I played along. "I'll get Jacob some more ice and then send him out to you all. You better check to see if Emmett can drive, we all had a little to drink tonight."

That sent her into motion as she hesitantly headed outside.

"Some _friend_ you are! Do you always push your money makers into decking you?" I taunted angrily.

"Shut the fuck up, you wanna-be priest!"

I was stunned into silence.

"I don't have much time, but trust me, it's been a fucked up night and you do not want to push me. If that happens, I won't be the only one going to the hospital tonight which will only serve to piss off my girlfriend and best friend."

"Don't you mean former best friend?"

"No asshole, I mean best friend, as in past, present and future. You think this is the worst he's ever done to me? Not by a long shot!

"I've cleaned more of his messes than I can count. You're just one more fucking thing I've got to clean up. I've taken care of more of the boys he's left behind than I care to count. Do you think you're any different, _Eddie_? Don't kid yourself! This is what I do!" He raised his eyebrows challengingly.

"Maybe he doesn't need you to do this anymore!"

"You're the one who doesn't know what he needs, asshole. I'm not blind, I see you two have some fucked up thing between you two and normally I wouldn't give a shit. What Jazz does in his personal life doesn't concern me, but you're fucking his shit up.

"You think you're the special one? Well here's a reality check dumbass, he has one of you in every city we go to, sometimes more. He tosses more of you guys aside than he eats out!"

"We're different." I responded quietly, but indignantly.

"Oh you're different all right, but just because he fucked up and played in his own sandbox. He knows better, and I'm pissed because my girl's gonna be collateral damage. You have no idea how fucked up you're making his life.

"Yeah, he's a fucking knight in shining armor for throwing his life away on _you_. You have no idea the amount of people who make a living because of him."

"You mean you! You just use him and become rich off his talent!" I accused.

Jacob snorted, and then coughed, grimacing. I couldn't help but think that there was some divine retribution involved.

"Of course you would think this is about me, because everything is about you, isn't it? Edward the savior, Edward the best friend, Edward the saint. How many saintly things did you do in the past couple of days, _Edward_?" Jacob paused, while I absorbed what he was saying.

"You're just a sham and you're taking down the people I love with you! Do you know what will happen if Jasper walks away? He'll be sued for breach of contract, which may or may not mean anything to him. But, do you know who it will affect? He's got about twelve people who directly make their living in everything from marketing to advertising to driving for him. That doesn't include all of the indirect people who would be affected. He's a commodity, one that he downplays, but one I protect every day."

"I-"

"-No fucker, I'm not done. Believe it or not, in the aftermath of him leaving, I would probably end up okay. I'm good at what I do and there's always more pretty talent out there for me to pimp, but I'd end up having to walk away too, because they'd make me go after him and I couldn't do it. So then, priest boy, who's gonna support your best friend? I cover part of her rent now, which is a joke because it all goes back to Jasper anyway.

"Have you even considered her feelings in all of this? While you've been fucking around with Jasper, you left her here _waiting_ for your ass! The way she always talked about you, I thought you were a fucking saint. Seriously, I can't find one redeeming quality about you. You're like a vampire, sucking the life-force out of everyone around you, making them planets to your sun. You are the most selfish person I know. You disgust me."

I stood silently in the kitchen, staring at the wall as he walked outside.

No one had ever spoken to me that way before, but I couldn't deny any of it. Before I had time to think Bella walked into the kitchen.

"Everything thing okay?" she asked tentatively.

I flashed my best smile and told her, "Sure."

She tilted her head, and then shook it minutely. "Okay. Emmett and Rosalie want to say goodbye, they're worried they won't see you until the ordination. Rose has been arguing with Emmett for the last twenty minutes that he can't stay here with you tonight." She and I both smiled widely before she continued a little quieter, "I almost told Rose that I would go with her and he could stay, but I wanted you all to myself tonight."

I smiled quietly and nodded. The thought of Jazz out on the beach all alone still made my heart wrench, but I hoped he would understand that Bella and I needed to talk.

"I can't promise Emmett won't stowaway on the plane though!" We both laughed out loud at that and walked to the front hand in hand.

Jacob was already in the car waiting and I was grateful not to have to deal with him. As soon as I crossed the door frame, Emmett came barreling into me half tackling, half hugging me.

"Dude," he gripped both of my shoulders at arm's length and pulled me towards him again, "I'm gonna miss you, brother."

I held on tight to the man who had become my brother in all things that mattered. "Me too, Em," I whispered in his ear, rubbing my tear filled eyes on his shoulder.

"We're all coming out for your shindig, you know."

I laughed out loud, as I pictured Monsignor Caius' face. He might seriously have a stroke at the thought of the most sacred of sacraments, a priest's ordination, referred to as a "shin-dig"

"I'm counting on it."

"You still get vacation and shit, right?"

I nodded.

"But they frown on playing _Street Fighter _while on vacation?"

I knew he was teasing and I smiled widely. "I frown on playing _Street Fighter_, dumbass."

The look on Emmett's face was one of pride and shock. "I'm sure this makes me gay or some shit, but I think I love you a little more now, man."

I bristled at the comment, but smiled at the intent.

"I love you too, Emmett." We hugged one last time.

Rosalie surprised me and everyone else by giving me a hug too. "Take care, Priest-boy." I nodded and hugged her back. As she pulled away, she quirked an eyebrow and mouthed, "Fix this." I nodded again sadly.

Rose and Emmett got into the car with Jacob and I held onto Bella's waist as we waved goodbye to them. I was really going to miss Emmett. I didn't know what to tell them when they were talking about the ordination, but I knew I needed to talk to Bella first.

We walked back into the house quietly, hand in hand. I thought of the hundreds of times we had done this before, wordlessly supporting each other. She had been my rock for as long as I could remember and it was long past time for me to tell her what had been going on with me. I sighed loudly.

"Bella, can we talk?"

She pulled me over to the couch and sat cross-legged. "Sure. Are you nervous about going back? This is a big step."

My mind drifted to Jasper sitting on the beach and I wondered when he'd be coming back. I wanted to talk to him about going with Jake tomorrow and couldn't have the two conversations at once.

"Hey, who knows when the others are going to be back? Can we talk in your room?"

She grinned and nodded. I followed her to her room and closed the door behind me.

"I can't believe it's already time for you to leave! I don't think I'm ready for you to go yet."

Thinking back to my conversation with Jacob, I told her, "I'm sorry I didn't spend more time with you. I hope you didn't feel left out."

"Nah, it was nice to see you have fun. I knew the timing was going to be hard with all my classes. In the beginning, two weeks seemed like such a long period of time, and now that it's over I keep wondering where it all went."

I nodded in agreement. "A lot of stuff happened in the past two weeks."

"Tell me about it, I feel like I haven't seen you in ages," she exclaimed exuberantly, making me smile and feel settled all at the same time. I knew I could tell her anything and wondered why I hadn't done so earlier.

"I need to tell you something, something big."

"Okaaaaay."

"I'm seriously considering not going through with my ordination."

"Whaaat?" She asked incredulously, as she shook her head. "What's going on? Are you okay?"

"I'm okay, I'm just not sure I'm meant to be a priest anymore."

Bella sat across from me -speechless.

"It's a huge, irrevocable decision that I'm not sure if I can commit to right now."

"You're not going to be a priest?" She restated slowly.

"I'm not totally sure, but that's the way I'm leaning right now."

"Holy shit."

I chuckled quietly. "I'm not sure that's the appropriate response."

"Oh, I think it is. What are Fr. Carlisle and your parents going to say?"

"I don't know, I'm really nervous about telling them, but I wanted to tell you first."

"Wow. You're not going to be a priest. This is huge."

I simply nodded. We sat quietly for a minute or two.

"What made you come to that decision?"

"Jasper."

"Huh? Because he surfs? Is it some kind of Zen thing? Jacob says he finds peace on the waves. Is that it?"

"Yes and no. Yes, because I didn't realize you could find peace and God through nature like Jasper showing me surfing can do. But no, because I wouldn't leave the seminary if that was the only reason, I'd just be a surfing priest."

Bella smiled and I smiled back at her. "Oh, that would be fantastic! I want to be there when Bishop Marcus has to deal with all the calls from the dioceses' ladies calling about the hot priest surfing again!"

"That's so funny you said that. I kept picturing Monsignor Caius' face when Emmett referred to my ordination as a shin-dig."

"He did not!"

"I swear!" We were laughing like old times and I was reminded why we were here talking.

"Anyway, that's not why I'm thinking about not going through it."

"So, I'm curious, what did Jasper say to you that made you re-think your entire life path?"

"How much of the conversation between Jacob and Jasper did you hear?"

She snorted. "It was a fight not a conversation, but I wasn't really listening. Jake and Jazz talk shop all the time, I kinda ignore it mostly. Jake had this stupid idea that Jasper and you were together. I told him it was ridiculous. I mean seriously, it's not like gay people can _turn_ straight people gay! Jasper's a hot head, don't worry about them, they'll work it out, they always do."

I looked into her trusting, big brown eyes and took a breath. "Jasper and I are in love."

She looked shocked. "What? Jacob was _right?"_

"Jasper and I have been spending a lot of time together and somewhere along the way we fell in love."

She stood up and faced me. "So what exactly are you saying, Edward? Are you gay now?" She yelled.

I stood up and grabbed her hands. "I don't know, I'm not sure, but I do love Jasper," I answered her quietly.

"Edward, you love everybody, that's just who you are. Do you love me?" _Of course I do._

"You know I do."

"Well, you just proved my point. You're not gay. I would know if you were gay. We grew up together, I know you better than anyone. I know your heart and your soul. You. Are. Not. Gay."

She wasn't telling me anything I hadn't been wondering about myself. I was still not sure if I was gay.

"Are you saying it would be a bad thing if I was? What about Jasper? Is it wrong that he's gay?" I asked angrily.

"Damn it, Edward, you're twisting my words. Being gay is not a bad thing. I've _never_ had a problem with Jasper or any other gay person, it's not like it's a choice. But Edward, people figure out they're gay early on. Is that what happened to you and you never told me about it?"

My eyes filled with tears as she continued to attack me. I shook my head.

"Jasper probably pushed himself on you without you even realizing it. You're a people pleaser by nature. Are you sure you aren't just confused and want to give Jasper what he expects of you?"

She just didn't understand and it was my fault for springing this on her this way. I answered with the only explanation I could. "I love him."

"But can you honestly tell me you are in love with him after only two weeks? That's insane."

"He makes me happier than I've ever been before. He makes me feel, to want to feel. He cares about me in a way no other person ever has. I am a better man because of him."

We stood there facing each other, ready to do silent battle.

"Alice would not approve and you and I both know it. This is why you didn't tell me before, you're ashamed of your behavior…and you should be. You know in your heart, this isn't you."

My heart felt like it was getting ripped out of my chest. _Would Alice have been ashamed of me_? I wished I could make her understand. "Bella, I love him. It is me."

"What would Fr. Carlisle say? You know what the church says about homosexuality. Hell, the church is the least of your worries. How do you think your family is going to take this? They don't get more Catholic than the Masens. You'll be ostracized! Did you ever consider that?"

"Of course I've thought of what the implications of a relationship with Jasper would mean for my family, but Bella, we both know that I was as good as dead to them after Alice died."

"That's not true," Bella declared, pulling me to her.

"It is and you know it. Mom never loved me the same after that. You were the only one who loved me. You were the only one who cared," I cried out, allowing the pent up pain to finally come out. We had never spoken about what it was like for me after Alice's death. I just took on being there for her and in being there for her, allowing myself to be healed.

We silently held each other. "I told him, you know. I told Fr. Carlisle."

Bella nodded wiping my tears and then hers.

"He told me to experiment and find out if what I was feeling was real. He told me to 'Test all things and hold fast to that which is good.' Jasper is what is good in my life, Bella."

Bella tilted her head in confusion. "Is that what this is, an experiment? Experiment with me! I've always been here and I love you."

This was all too much. Jacob's words came back at me in that moment. "Do you think you're any different?'- _What if I'm not doing the right thing? How many people can I possibly hurt?_

Bella surprised me by grabbing my neck and pulling me toward her and kissing me. I stood frozen, wanting to give her the comfort she needed. Out of confusion and curiosity I began kissing her back.

Her lips were soft and strangely comforting, but ultimately all wrong. They weren't Jasper's lips. Kissing her wasn't like kissing Jasper. There was no fire or passion, just…emptiness and wrongness.

She yanked herself away, covering her mouth. "Oh my God! I am so sorry, Edward! What have I done?" Tears streamed down her face.

"I'm sorry, Bella, I should have never kissed you back. I just didn't want to see you hurt. It's never going be like that for us. I understand if you can't accept Jasper and I. I'd never ask you to do anything outside your beliefs, but I meant it when I said I loved him."

She started to say something, but I held up my hand and shook my head. This was all way too much for me, so I walked out of the house to find Jasper at the beach.

Walking to the beach gave me time to switch gears. All of the different reasons for asking Jasper to go on tour bounced around in my head as I tried to anticipate his reasons for quitting.

I expected him to still be sitting in our spot, absorbing the positive energy from the ocean. When I found him waist deep in the ocean, screaming at the top of his lungs, it rocked me to my core.

Jacob's words came back at me in full force. _"_You're like a vampire, sucking the life-force out of everyone around you, making them planets to your sun. You are the most selfish person I know. You disgust me"_ – This is what I do to him. It must be killing him to give up surfing. I disgust me. _

I saw him walking up and I hid to give him some space. I watched over him quietly while he sat shivering in the sand, before running up to the RV and back to grab a blanket.

I silently walked up to him and placed it on his shoulders. "What are you doing, Jazz?"

Jasper stoically stared back at me, guarding his emotions. _He must not want me to know how much he is struggling with giving up surfing._

"Please don't do this, don't hurt yourself because of me." I was talking about more than giving up surfing and he knew it.

Jasper shook his head, unable to deny the truth in what I was saying.

"I don't want you to quit surfing for me or anyone else. It's who you are, it's a part of you. You need to go with Jake to Costa Rica."

"I chose you. Why wasn't I good enough for you to choose me back_?" I can't be selfish anymore, Jacob's right. Jasper would do this for me, but only hurt himself in the end. I won't let him quit, I thought of Tyler in Glamis and how he begged me to not fall apart. I love him so much, but it's clear I hurt him too. He would not hurt because of me any longer. _

I squared my shoulders, resolute in my decision. "You need to get on that plane with Jacob, because I'm leaving as planned tomorrow. Go back to the life you deserve to live, the life you loved, before I screwed it all up."

I got up and placed my hand on his shoulder before turning and walking away. I knew if I stayed he'd try to convince me that this wasn't my fault, but I knew it was. Jasper Hale would not make any more sacrifices for me. It was my turn to sacrifice for him.

**A/N **I just wanted to take a moment to thank each of you for reading, reviewing, alerting, rec'ing, favoriting, and/or tweeting about AoG. This is the season for blessings and I am truly blessed because of you. Thank you for loving these boys so much.

I know a lot of you were upset last chapter at Bella's reaction. If you sent me a review, chances are I told you that Bella's reaction mirrored one I gave to someone I loved when they came out to me. I'm not proud of my reaction, but it was real.

In this season of blessings and miracles, take the time to tell the people you care about that you love them. Please know each of you holds a special place in my heart. Happy holidays.


	13. Chapter 13 Dukes of Hazard and Man Talk

**A/N** I know I promised y'all some Fr. C lovin' this chapter, but I couldn't get out everything I needed to. (There are still some things this Catholic girl won't let Edward speak to a priest about!)

A huge thanks to Savannah_Vee and Siobhan'x who beta'ed this, and continue to make me look somewhat literate. I can't thank CherBella, Loca37, and Carrottop81690 enough for the support and pre-reading fabulousness. Loca37, I think about you every day.

I adore Stephanie Meyer, and can't thank her enough for creating such inspirational characters. I continue to do things to them that she would not approve of.

**Chapter 13 – Dukes of Hazard and Man Talk**

I walked up from the beach and I realized, sadly, that I had nowhere to go. I needed to get my clothes and suitcase from Jasper's and my room, but Bella was waiting for me in the kitchen and I couldn't handle any more emotional drama tonight. _How could she kiss me like that? _

I headed for the RV to grab the last of my things. I was shocked when I saw the inside completely destroyed. It looked like a tornado hit it. _This is why he can't give up surfing._

I cleaned up the mess, put everything back in order and put my things in a Trader's Joe bag that was left in one the pantry cupboards. I grabbed a signed Quiksilver sweatshirt and hat out of the "fan closet" and left the shirt he had given me earlier. It didn't feel right, too new and itchy, but I put it on anyway. The RV was almost back to perfect condition as I gathered all the sheets and dirty clothes that were left in a pile in the bedroom with one hand and my bag of stuff in the other. I took one last look around and quietly pushed the door shut with my hip.

Bella's light was on in her room, but I noticed her door was closed from the laundry room as I threw the sheets and light colored clothes in the washing machine. My eyes closed involuntarily as I inhaled the smell of Jasper's lube and the two of us on the sheets. Before it got too wet, I pulled out a pillowcase from the load in the machine and took it with me.

Quietly, I went to my room to pack. Somehow, I had accumulated twice as many things as I came with. Mementos of our time together, like a vanilla creamer from Schooner or Later and the bib from the rib joint we ate at filled my suitcase, as my clothes were relegated to more Trader Joe bags. I got everything gathered up and placed his pillowcase in a ziplock bag, hoping that his scent would last longer, and placed it on top of everything else, before zipping up the bag. I knew this was the right thing to do, I just didn't know how to leave him.

The sound of Jacob yelling at Bella startled me out of my reverie. I rushed to the door to check on her, only to be stopped by Emmett.

"She'll be fine, dude. He won't hurt her."

"It doesn't sound like that!"

"They're just working things out. Let it be, Edward. You going in there is only gonna make it worse."

I couldn't argue that point.

"Soooooo. Big night?"

Laughing nervously, I shrugged.

"You all ready to go?"

I nodded. "Yes and no."

"I wish you didn't need to go."

I nodded again. I looked at all my stuff and felt the need to get out immediately, not ready to face either Bella or Jasper.

"Em?"

"Yeah, man?"

"If I asked for a favor, a big one, would you give it to me?"

"Without question, bro."

"I need to borrow your car."

Emmett smiled. "Last hurrah before you get on the plane in the morning?"

"No, more like I need to get out of here right now or I'm going to cave on something I promised myself."

"Where you gonna go at 3:30 in the morning, dude? Don't you have a plane to catch tomorrow?"

"Well that's the thing, I think I need to drive. I could rent a car, but funds are a little tight right now."

Emmett was quiet for a bit and silently got up and went into his and Rose's bedroom. I assumed it was to get me the keys. When he came back out, he had his computer bag in his hand.

"Let's go."

"What?"

"Let's. Go."

"Em, I just need your car," I pleaded, looking over at the screen door, wondering when Jasper would come back in from the beach.

"Heh! I go, or my ride stays, bitch. Think of me as a gift with purchase, only you don't have to pay for shit."

"Em, I need time to think, a lot's happened in the last couple of days."

"I get it, and that's why I'm going. I'll drive, you think. You need to make some big decisions, right?"

I nodded.

"If I let you go by yourself, you'll be all up in your head about everything. I don't know everything that's happened to you, but I know enough to know that I'm not leaving you alone right now."

I opened my mouth to argue.

"-You'd do the same for me, right?"

I smiled sadly and nodded my head up at him.

"How many times do I have to say it? Get Up! Let's go! You've had enough girl time between Jasper and Bella, you need some man time!"

I shook my head and laughed. _Only Emmett could get away with that statement_.

We went out to the alley where Emmett's "baby" was parked, a 1969 Blue Camaro SS with a white stripe down the middle.

I'll never forget the call I got from Bella explaining, in detail, how Emmett tried to convince Rosalie that he was going to buy a "Dukes of Hazard" car, complete with the Dixie horn, after going to a car show in Seal Beach. Apparently, he watched re-runs of the show religiously and found Bo and Luke Duke to be his kind of guys.

Bella could hardly contain herself as she explained how Emmett tried to convince Rose that they needed a Bassett hound like Roscoe P. Coltrane's, but instead of naming it Flash, he would name it, Cletus, his favorite deputy. His theory was that Flash was a comic book character and a Cletus was something you could call a dog while running on the beach. Rosalie would have none of it.

I continued to bite my tongue so I wouldn't smile at the memory of Bella retelling the story of "Emmett's Last Great Stand." The one he had no hope of winning, because Rosalie had the ultimate weapon to withhold. As Bella told it, he lasted a week and a half, but it wasn't pretty for anyone in the house. After Emmett caved, Rosalie and Bella took in a car show of their own and Rose found a muscle car she felt was acceptable to be seen in and offered the guy cash on the spot. He wasn't interested in selling that day, but Rosalie Hale was a force to be reckoned with and eventually wore the guy down. She ended up paying less than she originally offered at the car show.

I wondered if Emmett knew what she did to get him this car. I got in and quietly smiled at the little stuffed Bassett hound on the dash. Most guys would have taken it down eventually, but Emmett reached up unconsciously and petted the ugly, faded stuffed animal.

Smirking, I gave him a sideways glance.

"Don't hate on Cletus, man."

"Whatever. I'm just reminding you, you promised me some man time," I teased.

"There is nothing unmanly about loving your woman, or your car."

I put my hands up in surrender.

We were quiet for a long time. I simply stared out the window as the world passed in the darkness. I don't know how long we had driven or when I fell asleep, but I woke up when Emmett stopped the car for gas.

"Where are we?"

"Just outside of Blythe."

"How long have I been sleeping?"

"A while and I'm huuuungry," he declared, rubbing his belly. Then he added, "Part of the road trip experience involves chicken fried steak and biscuits and gravy at a truck stop, and we're not missing out on it, dude. Let's get this bitch filled up and find someplace to eat."

I got out to give Emmett my credit card to pay for the gas and he shook his head. "No way. I got this."

"Em-"

"Think of it as an early priest coming out present."

A snicker escaped before I could hold it back. _Fr. Carlisle is going to love Emmett._

"-Em, please?"

"Alright, but I'm getting breakfast then," he said smugly.

Feeling set up somehow, I ran my card down the front of the gas pump while Emmett went inside. Just as I was finishing pumping the gas, Emmett came out with an armful of junk food.

"I thought we were going to a truck stop for breakfast."

"We are, this is for later," he answered with a full-faced grin.

I got behind the wheel to give him a break from driving.

"Pull in there!"

"Absolutely not!'

"Come on, man, look they have steak for $2.99! Where are you going to get a better deal than that?"

"There's stripper girls on the windows!"

"There is not, those are truck flapper girls and if you hadn't been sleeping for the last couple of hours you would know the difference. Pleeeeeease? Rose never lets me go to places like this."

I laughed. "Man time, huh?" Just as I was about to acquiesce, a large man with the filthiest apron on came out of the side door, smoking a cigarette.

I looked over, shook my head and didn't hear another word out of Emmett. We ended up at the Flying J Truck Stop a couple more miles down the road.

"So."

Looking up, I waited for him to continue.

"Did you get enough sleep? You looked pretty worn out last night."

"Yeah, thanks. I didn't realize how tired I was, it's been a long couple of days."

"Do you need to talk about anything?" He hedged.

Unable to answer, I remained silent.

"That's a no then?"

"I don't know."

He nodded. "Maybe we should start easy. I'm kind of excited to see this place I've heard you talk about. Looking forward to seeing your friends at the seminary?"

"No. I mean sure, but not really."

Emmett scrunched up his forehead. "That was as easy as it gets, Edward. What's going on?"

"I'm going to tell Fr. Carlisle and Monsignor Caius that I don't think I can complete my final vows when I get there this afternoon."

"Holy shit, dude."

"Yeah." I took a deep breath and continued, "I'm not sure what I'm going to say and I just don't have the energy to prepare for that particular conversation."

"What's there to prepare for? Just tell them your reasons off the top of your head."

"It's not really my style, but I may have to improvise this time."

"Do you need more time to figure this shit out? I'm sure they'll give it to you if you need it."

"I don't think time's going to fix this." I sighed. "Em, I'm so tired and I don't think I can handle disappointing one more person."

Emmett reached over and silently covered my hand with his.

"So don't."

I looked up.

"What happens if you don't show up? Shit happens all the time right? We could keep driving. My work thinks I have the flu, maybe I'll come down with pneumonia or some shit and we'll go on an adventure and when you're ready for all of this, we'll come back."

Tears welled up in my eyes, as I felt nothing but gratitude for the man sitting across from me.

"I wish it worked that way."

"It could. I'd do it, I'd quit if work wouldn't give me the time off. Who wants to work for a company that would hassle a man on his death bed?"

"But you're not on your death bed."

"They don't know that! Fucking slave drivers who don't give a shit about their employee's health! What the hell?"

We laughed at the level of ridiculousness the conversation had fallen to. The food arrived and we ate in comfortable silence. The waitress filled up our coffees and I sighed as I added vanilla creamer to mine.

"Do you know what kind of cream Rosalie put in her coffee?" I wondered out loud to Emmett.

"Random much? Rose doesn't take cream in her coffee. Why are you asking?"

"I don't know, it's such a little thing. Knowing the little things about a person says a lot, don't you think?"

"No offense dude, but that feels like a loaded question, and living with two women, I've learned to stay away from those. Why don't you put it in context for me? Where is this coming from?"

My mind skimmed over all the little things Jasper had done and said to me over the past two weeks, but I remained silent, trying to figure out how to put it all in words.

"Bella or Jasper?"

Startled, I looked up. "What?"

"Is this about Bella or Jasper?" He restated, enunciating each word slowly.

"Is what about Bella or Jasper?"

"Really, dude? I don't care, but are we talking about Bella or Jasper? Because from where I'm sitting, it could be either or both or if I'm totally reading this wrong, neither, but I'm going to need additional information if you really want some input."

"Jasper," I whispered.

"Fucking hell."

"That's not help, Em."

"Aw, shit. Edward, I really couldn't care less, but I bet Rosie it was going to be Bella." He whipped his head around and looked me straight in the eyes. "She knew, didn't she?"

I smiled. This wasn't helping, but it was pure Emmett, and exactly what I needed.

"Fucking A! I should have known not to bet against her, I just thought for sure something had gone down between you and Bella when I heard her and Jake fighting last night. Shit!"

"Something did happen. Bella kissed me," I said quietly.

His eyes widened. "No fucking way, dude! Are you kidding me? We need to get out of here and find us a bar! This conversation is going to involve alcohol and plenty of it. No wonder you're fucked in the head!"

"I'm not _fucked _in the head, Emmett."

"Um, yeah you are, and you have a right to be. This is big stuff, Edward. When are you expected at the seminary?"

I checked my watch. "In a couple of hours."

"Text that Father C dude and tell him you missed your flight and that you'll be late because you're driving. That will give us drinking and pool time while you get your head on straight."

"I don't think we have that much time," I dead panned.

"Man talk, dude. We're gonna fix your shit using sports analogies in like, two sentences and then drink and hustle pool for the rest of the afternoon. Seriously, you spent entirely too much time in your head. This is simpler than you think."

_Father, I missed my plane, but Emmett, Bella's roommate's boyfriend is driving me. I'll be there, but I'll be late. Would it be alright if Emmett stayed with us, tonight? _

Father's reply came quickly. _I'm glad you texted. I was just trying to figure out when I needed to leave for the airport. Be safe, son. You've been on my mind a lot, I can't wait to see you._

As I was reading his text, I felt my phone buzz again.

_I missed it the first time, but as I was re-reading your text I caught it. Of course Emmett can stay, I'm quite excited to meet him. Take care, son, I'm glad you're on your way home._

I couldn't help smiling. No one had the ability to make me feel as safe and loved as Father Carlisle did. I just wished there was a way that I didn't have to be the biggest failure of his career in a couple of hours.

"We're good to go. Fr. knows to expect us later tonight."

"Let's roll, dude."

Emmett paid the check. I couldn't help rolling my eyes as he winked at our elderly waitress as he personally handed her his tip. _Flirt_.

I didn't say anything when Emmett got behind the wheel, but when we pulled up in front of that stripper/truck flap restaurant bar I looked over at him in astonishment.

"What? We've eaten, and I told you I wanted to go here. This place is great, it's got pool, beer, and a $2.99 steak. A total win in my book."

I shrugged my shoulders and followed Emmett inside. It looked exactly like I thought it would, dark walnut bar, with brick red walls broken up by tattered pictures of the dessert. I guess I should have expected it to smell, but who would have thought the mixture of Pine-Sol and stale beer would be mildly comforting.

To say Emmett loved it would be an understatement. "Dude! Now this is what I'm talking about. This is where a man stops on a road trip!" He said, as he took in the place.

Emmett ordered a pitcher of beer and yelled from the bar. "Rack 'em, Masen."

We played a couple of games, talking about everything and nothing.

"So Jasper, huh?"

"Yeah."

"Isn't there some sort of rule against that?"

"That's the rumor."

He smirked sideways at me. "And Jasper's worth breaking this rule for?"

"He's worth everything."

Emmett nodded.

"Then I guess you have your answer."

"Huh? You don't have any questions? You're not disgusted with me?"

A look of hurt crossed over Emmett's face. "Who the fuck do you think I am? Yeah, I have about a million questions for you. I would have bet anyone a thousand dollars cash that if you were going to pull out of this priest thing it would be because of Bella, but that it would be for Jasper? Dude, it never even crossed my radar. I had no idea you swung that way.

"But as far as me being disgusted with you? How could you even think that way? Who you do, has nothing to do with you and me, bro."

"I'm sorry."

"You should be. Why didn't you ever tell me? I wouldn't have cared."

"This is all new to me too."

"No shit? So what, do you go both ways, or just swing towards the dicks?"

I stared at him. "I'm not sure."

He laughed at me. "Seems pretty cut and dry. Do you just like cock or do tits and pussy turn you on too?"

I couldn't believe I was having this conversation. I was literally speechless.

"Sorry, Ed, I know you've been doing the priest thing for a while. I'm just trying to gather facts so I can talk you through this. You want me to use words like penis and vagina? Cuz I hate that v word, it kinda creeps me out."

I laughed nervously, knowing I better have some answers before I had to talk about this with Fr. Carlisle. "Um, so far it's only been Jasper."

"Yeah, I get that about Jasper, but what about attraction to other girls or guys?"

"No one."

"I'm not talking about anyone specific, just gender or maybe body parts, if that's easier to think about."

I closed my eyes as Jasper's taut shoulders come to mind, his arms, his chest…

"I guess a guy, but I can only picture Jasper when I think about it."

"So no other guy's done it for you?"

I shook my head.

"And no other girl? You can really say you've never appreciated some chick's rack in a bikini?"

"No, I'm human. I can appreciate when someone is attractive or has taken the time to work out and their body reflects it. I see beauty in both sexes, I always have. But, as far as _doing it for me_, only Jasper's been able to do that."

He put up both hands, "Dude, no details required. Okay, you said Bella kissed you. What was that like?"

"I kissed her back."

"What the fuck? Important detail to leave out! So she kissed you and you kissed her back, but it didn't do it for you. Why?"

"She wasn't Jasper. I guess I was curious, for a second, but it wasn't the same. She wasn't him."

We took the next couple of pool shots in silence while both of us absorbed the information.

"I don't know how to ask this without being rude, but is it possible you're just experimenting here?"

"No, I love him."

Emmett simply nodded.

"You're not going to tell me that two weeks isn't enough time to fall in love?"

"Dude, I fell in love with Rosie the minute I saw her. Every minute after that has just reinforced and built on my initial reaction. You love who you love." He paused, and then continued contemplatively, "He loves you too, you know."

I smiled and nodded.

"I saw it in his eyes last night when he decked Jake. At the time I didn't think the feelings went both ways. So I've got to ask. Why are you here with me and not him or even Bella?"

"Bella is disgusted in me-"

"-Bullshit," he interrupted.

"You didn't hear what she had to say when I told her. I've lost my best friend, and I'm not sure if I can do this without her," I told him, scrubbing my hands over my face.

"First of all, you haven't lost anyone. You knocked her on her ass with some life altering information. Hell, I'm amazed I'm even forming coherent sentences talking to you about this and I haven't been in love with you my whole life. She'll get over it and you'll both be the better for it.

"Second of all, what the hell can't you do without her? I don't have her fabulous tits, but it's not like you appreciate them anyway. Will I do in a pinch?" He said, winking at me.

"He told Jacob he would quit surfing. He's sacrificed too much for me already, I won't let him sacrifice anymore. I walked away, Emmett."

He snorted. "I know taking on the burden of others has been your thing and all, but dude, you've got all the shit you can handle right now. Jasper's a big boy, if he wants to throw away his fuck-hot career and easy-ass life and get a real job like the rest of us, that's his business."

Emmett studied my face before continuing. "He wouldn't have done it anyway. He's a hot head. He blows up and then let's Jake fix his shit for him."

I nodded. "That's what Jacob said."

"Jacob talked to you? I don't know what he said, but take whatever it was with a grain of salt. He's a good guy and all, but I'm guessing you're not his favorite person right now."

"That would be an understatement. What exactly does Bella see in him? For the life of me, I just don't see it."

"Eh, you don't like him because he's not you. He's with your girl, only she's not your girl, is she?"

I looked sideways at him. "When did you get so observant, Em?"

"Living with Bella and Rose has taught me to keep my mouth shut and eyes open. Women are strange creatures, my friend. They're a head fuck if you let them be.

"You and Bella have been each other's go-to person for forever, but dude, you're going have to figure out how to share or let go. I've seen them together, he loves her. Doesn't she deserve someone who loves her with his whole heart?"

I groaned. "Does it have to be _him_?"

"I don't think you get to make that decision." He paused a moment before tilting his head, smirking and added, "Besides, if you're going to be with Jasper, he's Jasper's best friend. Can you imagine what it would be like to be in a relationship where your significant other hated your best friend?"

"Smart ass."

"Don't you know it, bro!" He said, as he placed his hands on my shoulders and pounded lightly on my back. "Come on, let's get out of here. We've still got a couple of hours to drive and those Slim Jim's are calling my name."

Grabbing the keys off the pool table, I placed a five dollar bill under the untouched pitcher of beer.

Emmett passed out in the passenger seat, ten minutes after we got back on the highway, leaving me two and a half hours of quiet time.

I silently sent up a prayer in thankfulness that God had put this gentle giant in my life. I couldn't help but think of the Footprints prayer, that has almost become cliché. Psalm 145 kept bouncing around in my head, as I continued down the road_. The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cry and saves them. _It would probably horrify Emmett to know I was thinking of him this way, but he really was an angel of God for me today.

It made me smile to see Fr. Carlisle's light on as I pulled up to the seminary. _He waited up for me._

Fr. Carlisle opened the door as I parked the car. Without thinking, I ran in his outstretched arms. "Welcome home, son."

**A/N** Did you adore Emmett as much as I did? I thought loved my boys a lot, but Emmett's raising the bar a bit in this chapter! I wanted to give y'all a little lighter chapter, hopefully you enjoyed it. I LOVED writing him, if you're curious about what was going on in his head during this chapter, I'll be offering an Em POV mini outtake for every review.

Fr. C is up next and then we'll check in with Surfsper in Costa Rica. (Two visuals that will get me through the day!)

**Fic Recs:** I've been reading a lot of GREAT fics. **How to Turn a Straight Guy Gay** by Lou-La OWNED me. It's complete and utterly fantastic.

I started reading it because Lou-La collaborated with Conversed of **Twinned** **and Seventeen Men** fame (both incredible fics, BTW) to write **Interns** under the author name Slash HashTag , it's a J/E follow up to **Age Gaps** a Carlisle/Riley fic that Conversed wrote on her own. You all know by now that I'm canon girl, so I didn't read this at first, but I was WRONG. They're both drabbles are crazy fun to read.

Now a new one (two)! If you had the privilege of reading the E/B fic, **Just Wait** by InstantKarmaGirl, you know what a fabulous writer she is. (It's been taken down because she got a book deal out of it!) BUT she wrote a hot J/E vamp O/S called **I Am Alone **and then (I think) is continuing it with **I Wander Alone**. Read it and give her some love…


	14. Emmett Outtake

Korissaa tells me that I'm supposed to give you my side of the clusterfuck of a situation my man Edward has managed to get in. I mean really, anyone else going gay on me? Why couldn't it have been Rosie going all bi-curious. I wouldn't even have to join in, I could just watch. But seriously, Jesus Christ, I'm still trying to wrap my head around Edward. Did. Not. See. That. Coming. At. All

I've known Edward since Rose and Bella were in their second year of college, so about five years. I never had a brother growing up and maybe it was because he had so many of them, but he treated me like one from the get go. He may not know it, but it meant everything to me. He's a little more reserved than I am, but that never meant shit to me.

There wasn't a sport that fucker wasn't good at. When we were in college, I was on an intramural sport team and one of my guys got sick. Edward was visiting Bella and filled in for him and damn if the fucker didn't pick up lacrosse in like twenty minutes. Rugby was the same thing. He drew quite a sorority crowd, so the guys let him play whenever he was in town. Those sorority bitches loved when he was running up and down the field, but he never gave any of them a second look.

The only one he ever paid any attention to was Bella. They were joined at the hip, always finishing each other's sentences and laughing at their private jokes. I honestly thought they had something going on. Rose did too, and unlike me, she stuck her head in where it didn't belong and screwed with their lives. She was intent on making them "as happy as we were together", but it ended up blowing up in all our faces. Rose thought Edward just needed a push in the right direction, but like a woman, she didn't know when to quit and pushed him too far. He pulled away from all of us, and got really involved with the church. He was always pretty religious, but without Bella, he gave the church everything he had.

It shocked the shit out of me when he told us he had decided to become a priest. I knew he was close to that Father C guy. But seriously, becoming a priest? Who the fuck does that anymore? I wanted to talk to him, but Rose got me to keep my mouth shut. It was like Edward becoming a priest made all the sense to her and Bella. He wasn't attracted to other girls, and I guess in their fucked up chick-heads that meant Edward choosing God over Bella, cleared everything up. I was in a difficult position, but I always wondered if he would have decided to go to the seminary, if I had manned up and stuck by him instead of staying away.

I guess it was all that bullshit fucking with my head that made me decide I wasn't gonna leave hanging again when I saw him on the patio last night. That boy looked like someone had kicked the shit out of him mentally. I figured Bella had given it one last shot. She had been a fucking mess since Edward and Jasper took off. Now, I was a little hurt that I wasn't invited, but Bella was fucking wacked. Rose spend the weekend with Bella reminding her how much Jacob meant to her. I like the guy and everything, but honestly, if someone has to _remind_ you that you love them… Yeah, Rose told me I had to keep my mouth shut about that too. Whatever.

Anyway, when Edward asked me if he could borrow my car, I decided right then and there I was going with him. Plus, the thought of taking my baby on a road trip was just plain awesome. I have the ultimate muscle car, a 1969 Camaro. Chicks literally leave their panties at the door of this beauty. It's completely restored and a fuck-hot man-mobile. I get a hard on just revving the engine.

I thought for sure Rosie was gonna give me shit, but she _encouraged_ me to go. That's when I knew something was up. I told her my theory that Bella was fucking with his head and then she shook her head and told me it was Jasper. I seriously thought she was kidding. I mean it was clear Jasper had the hots for Edward, but Edward was going to be a priest for fucks sake. He's nice to everyone. I could see where Jasper would be confused, but I _knew_ Edward wasn't like that. That's when I stupidly bet Rosie it was Bella. Looking back I was just a fly to her spider web, but whatever, she'll get her hundred bucks.

Edward was really quiet on the ride out there, he slept most of the time. I knew my boy needed some rest, so I just drove until we ran out gas and my bladder was ready to explode.

There are certain things a man has got to do on a road trip and eating a big truck stop breakfast is one of them. I was dying for a chicken fried steak and some biscuits and gravy. I was tired of egg white omelets, I mean it comes complete, why fuck with it? When we passed the billboard for the $2.99 steak, it was like a fucking sign from God. I could practically see the clouds parting. Edward freaked out like a pussy when he saw the truck flapper silhouettes on the windows. As far as I was concerned it sealed the deal for me, but no such luck with Edward. I kind of agreed when we saw the big-ass dirty cook outside the kitchen door. He was pretty nasty looking. We ended up at this cool truck stop. I was in such a good mood I was finally getting my chicken fried steak that I flirted when the eighty year old waitress. Just spreading the love, ya know.

I figured Edward needed to talk, but he certainly wasn't opening up on his own, so I started with small talk. Of course then all shit breaks loose and he owns up to considering backing out of this priest deal. Fuck me standing, but the first thing that came to my head, was that I knew I was right all along. He never belonged there. He was hiding from his life. Don't get me wrong, he was a good priest in training or whatever the fuck you call it, but I always looked at it as the same way he took to lacrosse; he was good at everything he put his mind to.

I was kind of glad Bella finally broke through to him. It was better that it happened now, than after he spent a couple of years as a priest. I was hoping he and Bella finally got it on, because there was sure as shit years of sexual tension that needed to be resolved.

Edward pulled me out of my head by asking me some random fucking question about if Rose likes cream in her coffee. I'm not a dumbshit, I knew the question had meaning. It was something about the way he asked that made me think of what Rose said about Jasper. Edward knew how Bella took her coffee. This wasn't a question about her_. Shit._

I figured he wasn't gonna volunteer any information, so I asked him straight out. Bella or Jasper? That asshat tried to end run me, and then I knew. _Fuckity Fuck!_

When he admitted it was Jasper, I was a total douche. My brain filter failed and muttered the first thing that came to mind. I tried to cover it by telling him about my and Rosie's bet, but the truth was, I was in shock. I'm still pissed she set me up, but that's my girl, she ought to be in politics or something.

I told him I thought it was going to be Bella. Then he owns up to not only Bella kissing him, but kissing her back. That's got to get me at least twenty five bucks back, right? I know I shouldn't have been, but I was kinda proud of my boy. He has gotten any for years and now guys and girls were throwing themselves at him. I also knew it must be fucking with his head.

I wondered how long he knew he was gay. I should have known. Clearly Bella didn't know, but why would he tell me? When I asked, he told me it was new to him too, so maybe he was bi? I mean if you're not going to be a priest, you might as well try everything, right? I can't imagine looking at another guy and getting turned, but whatever floats your boat, right. Honestly it's a fucking shame he can't appreciate nice tits and a clean shaven pussy other than "ascetically". His loss really.

I figured this situation would involve alcohol, God knows I would be shitfaced if it was mine. I dragged his ass back to the $2.99 steak place. One, because Edward was a creature of habit and I needed him off his game if I wanted him to open up to me and two, because this was probably the only chance I'd get to go in there.

I was stoked when I saw the place had pool tables, Edward was probably the only guy that could kick my ass in pool. I was just a crack shot, but Edward could see angles and shit in his head. I thought I'd just jump into it. Clearly his attraction to Jasper was screwing with his head, but I didn't know how deep the feelings ran. He made that real clear. He loved Jasper. Shit, that's a trip.

I'm still trying to process it honestly. It's not like I don't approve, it's more like it came out of nowhere. I can't imagine what Bella is going through if this is the way I'm feeling. Edward didn't really talk about it much, but it sounds like she didn't handle it very well. I mean I get it and I don't, you gotta put the other person first in these situations, but hell, I learned that the hard way when I let Edward walk away the first time.

I don't know really what else to say. To me it's pretty simple, he loves Jasper and it looks like Jasper loves him. They've got a hell of a road in front of them, but who doesn't? I'm hoping Father C can talk some sense into him. I'm gonna stick around and make sure that when Edward tells them that he's backing out, all the shit hitting the fan doesn't land on him. I can't do much else. It's not like I'm a girl and can hold his hand or anything. He's got to figure this shit out on his own all I can do is listen and be there for him.

I'm watching Edward hug Father C right now. Honestly, he looks more peaceful than I've seen him in a long time, Father C too. It's like they find solace in each other.

They're going to let me crash here for the night. It's not like I'm the spawn of the devil or anything, but I'm a little creeped out about the idea. Thank fuck I got all those snacks, because who the hell knows what kind of food they serve here. I mean seriously, sleeping under the same roof with a bunch of men who haven't had sex, ever? That shit's doesn't sound safe. I mean no release at all? Who the fuck are they kidding? I'm not sure if I'm going to get much sleep, but Edward looks like he's in good hands.

Korissaa might kick my ass for saying this, but what the hell she forced me to write this anyway, I think I'll nose around and try to find out where they hide the secret stash of porn around here, cuz you know that shit's somewhere.

::Korissaa runs off to confession::


	15. Chapter 15 A Place To Call Home

**A/**N A huge thanks to Savannah_Vee and Siobhan'x who beta'ed this, and continue to make me look somewhat literate. I can't thank CherBella, Loca37, and Carrottop81690 enough for the support and pre-reading fabulousness.

This chapter is dedicated to Xavier Willow who wrote a review that lifted my heart. It always amazes me when this story touches someone else's heart as much as it does mine. Thanks also to Galveston's Daughter, who was so sweet to check on me. Welcome to all the new readers and reviewers and heartfelt thanks and love to all of you who have loved this story from the beginning.

I adore Stephanie Meyer, and can't thank her enough for creating such inspirational characters. I love playing in her sandbox, stealing her toys doing things to them that she would not have ever wanted them to do. Now….on with the show

**Chapter 15 - A Place to Call Home **

**EPOV**

"Welcome home, son."

I didn't mean to collapse into his arms, but the moment he pulled me into a hug, my emotions got the better of me. Father Carlisle represented strength, honor, comfort and love. He was home to me.

I refused to completely fall apart, especially with Emmett a few feet away, but I couldn't help reveling in the solace that Father Carlisle's arms were offering right now. He didn't let go and I refused to either.

"Hey, you're a sight for sore eyes, Edward."

I simply nodded.

"Are you okay, son?" He asked in a concerned tone.

I nodded again, not trusting my voice yet.

He appraised me carefully and looked over to Emmett.

"Hi, you must be Emmett!" He said, extending his hand while keeping his other arm around my shoulder. "I've heard a great deal about you, son."

Emmett shook his hand. "I'm really pleased to meet you too, Father. Edward has told me so much about you. He really considers you to be a great mentor and friend. It's an honor, sir."

I raised both eyebrows and wondered how I missed the aliens that replaced my Em with this pod person.

Father Carlisle smirked a little. "Edward tells me you're quite the video gamer. I have to warn you, I've been practicing with the youth group in preparation for Edward's homecoming. I've gotten quite good, if I do say so myself."

I smiled. Father had volunteered to take over my youth group. It was one of the highlights of my job. I guess now it would be just another group of people I would end up letting down.

"Let's head in, gentlemen." Emmett followed us into the library. It was one of my favorite rooms. It smelled like Father Carlisle. I sat on the couch while Emmett busied himself looking at the book collection, before pulling out his phone to check his messages at Father's desk in the corner.

"How's Bella and Fr. Ken?"

"Fr. Ken is doing some amazing work. He really has a great congregation. I got to sit in on some of his small groups."

Fr. Carlisle nodded. "And Bella?"

"Bella's the same as always. You know she adores you."

"She loves you too. She called earlier, frantically looking for you. I guess she didn't know you missed your plane?"

"Um, no. I didn't really miss it as much as-"

"-Sorry Father. It was my fault, I asked Edward to go on a road-trip with me." Emmett interrupted from the corner. "I'm actually emailing Rosalie, Bella's roommate, right now to let her know we arrived safely, sir."

I couldn't shake the image of Emmett as Eddie Haskel speaking to Father Carlisle as if he was Ward Cleaver on the old _Leave It To Beaver_ episodes Alice, Bella and I used to watch on Nick at Night. I bit my cheek so I wouldn't laugh.

"That's good, son. I couldn't figure out why she just didn't call you on your cell phone."

_He knows something_. "She probably tried, but-"

"-I'm afraid that's my fault too Father. A road trip is a sacred thing, oh shit, not sacred-sacred. Fuck, I said shit! I'm sorry Father. God damn it! Why can't I do anything right?"

I stared in horror as Emmett's Eddie Haskel mask slipped. Father Carlisle stared at Emmett for a moment before looking over at me and burst out laughing. I sat and continued to stare, until I began laughing too. Emmett was completely flustered and continued to mutter in the corner, which made us laugh harder.

"Emmett?"

"Yes, sir?"

"What were you saying was…sacred?"

"Or was it, fucking sacred?" I gasped out, between laughs.

"Edward!" Both Father Carlisle and Emmett scolded at me at the same time.

I shrugged. _Jasper would have thought it was funny._

Emmett stared at me wide-eyed. When I turned to Father to apologize, he looked at me like I had a third head or something.

"Fath-"

"-Gentleman, it looks like it's time to call it a night," he interrupted as he stood up. Emmett's eyes widened even farther.

I knew I stepped over the line and I put my head down. I knew at that point, my mask didn't slip as much as I had forgotten to put it on altogether. I was instantly sorry for disappointing the man in front of me and even more so for what I was about to do to him. I had been in my head so much with Emmett that I forgot that I needed to be the man Fr. Carlisle knew me be.

"I'm sorry, Father." _For everything._

"Yes, we have a lot to catch up on. How about you join me for Morning Prayer service? I've missed you by my side."

I nodded in response. His grin took over his whole face.

"Monsignor Caius will be here in the afternoon to go over your schedule and new assignment. It's a big day tomorrow. I remember how nervous I was, but now that you're here and you've made your choice, I want to let you know how proud I am of you, son."

My head shot up.

"What?"

"You're here." _He thinks I chose the priesthood._

"Father, I-"

"-Get some rest Edward, you look like you haven't slept in days." He pulled me up, gave me a one-armed hug and led me down the hallways to our sleeping quarters.

I turned to look for Emmett and was surprised to find he wasn't in the library. _He must have already found the guest quarters._

I opened the door to the room that had been my solace for so long. I dropped my bags and walked over to the overstuffed shelf and ran my fingers along the spines of the well-read books. The room seemed smaller somehow. The desk smelled like lemon, so someone had come in to prepare it for me. It seemed like a lifetime ago that I was here last. _How could it only be two weeks ago?_

My mind wandered to where Jasper was. I hoped and prayed he was on his way to Costa Rica right now. I smiled at the thought of him "in the zone". He was so focused when he was out on the water. My mind flashed to our last night on the beach and how desolate he was. I never knew how much surfing truly meant to him until I saw him in such pain. I silently vowed to do whatever it took to ensure that he wouldn't ever have to give it up.

I stripped down and slipped under the white sheets and plain bed spread. The flat pillow wasn't right. I tossed and turned, trying to get comfortable. I had gotten spoiled on the RV with all the comfortable down pillows. Finally, after an hour of avoiding it, I bent the pillow in half and pulled out what I knew was missing, Jasper's pillow case.

I drifted to sleep.

At 2:13am I bolted out of bed_. What if Jasper didn't get on the plane? _I needed to call him_. _Who was I kidding? I needed to hear his voice. I reached for my cell phone and found it was dead. I plugged it into the wall and quietly slipped out of the room to use the phone in the library.

I saw a light on under the door and chided myself for not turning it off before I left. Just as I was reaching for the door knob I heard Father's voice.

"_Yes, he's here, thank God. - I know this is hard. How do you think I've been feeling since he called me two weeks ago? - No, I'm not saying that, of course you do. - Listen, I know you're upset; this has been hard on all of us. I love him too. Do not doubt that, ever. - Thank you, you will never know what a gift it has been since the day you brought him into my life. - We can't talk about that. - No, it's too hard. - We made our choices, and they were the right ones. - I know, me too. - He's everything good; he's our angel from God. - It will be okay."_

The floorboard squeaked slightly underneath me.

"_I have to go - Yes, me too. Forever."_

"Hello?"

I stood frozen and debated on whether or not to go in, when I felt the door knob pulling away from my hand.

"Edward? What are you doing up so late? I thought you went to bed hours ago."

"I-I did. I needed to make a phone call and my cell phone was dead." I couldn't get over the fact that I _knew_ that phone call was about me.

"A call at 2:30 in the morning? Edward!"

I couldn't ignore the elephant in the room any longer.

"How often do _you_ talk about me at 2:30 in the morning?"

He squinted his eyes, appraising me as if he was trying to figure out how much I heard.

"Father?"

I saw a flash of guilt.

"I thought what I said to you was in confidence! I trusted you!"

"Edward, it's not what it looks like!"

"How often, Father? How often do you talk to her about me? Do you report back weekly, monthly? What is it?"

"I understand this looks inappropriate, but it's not. It could never be."

"Really? You are my mentor, my friend and above all my priest! You took personal conversations that I had with you and you _reported_ back to my best friend! Now, I'm going to ask you again, how long has this been going on?"

"Why do you think it's Bella?"

"That's your answer?" I was enraged. "At first I couldn't figure out why she would call here_, franticly_, as you put it, but this explains it. Of course she could call here; apparently you two have quite a relationship behind my back!"

"Nothing could be farther from the truth! How could you even think that?"

I don't know, _Father_. Care to explain that phone call?"

He put his head down.

"I can't believe I was worried about disappointing _you_! I haven't been able to sleep, because the thought of disappointing you breaks my heart. You have been everything to me for so long! You and Bella. Well, I guess the joke's on me. I feel like I'm some dirty pawn you both were playing in some fucked up chess game!"

"Edward Anthony Masen! What has gotten into you? The curse words? The accusations? Have you completely forgotten who you are?"

I snorted in disgust. "See that's the thing, _Father_, I'm just figuring that out myself and it certainly doesn't have anything to do with you or this place."

"Edward, what are you saying, son?"

"Don't call me son!" I knew I was being irrational and was taking out the last couple of days on him. There was momentary twinge of guilt, as I saw Father Carlisle step back as if I had struck him. That feeling was quickly overpowered with anger and hurt as I remembered he had been having regular conversations with Bella. I felt the bile churn in my stomach.

"I thought this would be the hardest things I've ever had to do, but it turns out I did _that_ two days ago. Thank you, I guess, because you just made this easy for me.

"I'm done, Father. I can't believe I ever wanted to emulate you! Tell Monsignor Caius and Bella whatever you want, but their shining star is burned out. I will not be going through with an ordination."

He reached out to touch my arm, but I pulled back. I needed to ask a question and I wasn't sure if my resolve would hold.

"Did you know?" I looked up into his eyes that were filled with pain instead of the comfort I had always ever found there.

"Know?"

"About me quitting."

"I had a pretty good idea, yes." _You told Bella and she told him, stupid._ "I just needed some time to put my thoughts together. I was afraid you would want to talk to me tonight about it and I wasn't quite ready, sss-Edward." He paused a moment, and then continued, "I'm sorry I failed you tonight."

"Me too, Father. Me too."

I walked out of the room, not knowing anything else except that I had to leave. I grabbed my cell phone and unpacked bags and walked over to the guest quarters. They were empty.

I ran to the window, relieved to find Emmett's car still in the driveway. I quickly sent a text to Emmett asking where he was, as I continued to look for him. _Please don't be in the library with Father Carlisle._

My phone vibrated in my hand, causing me to jump. _Outside_

I opened the door and was surprised to see Emmett in the driver's seat with a huge grin on his face.

"This, my friend, is the equivalent of a bad ass car running behind the church at your wedding. Ready to leave the bride at the altar?"

I shook my head and snickered in spite of myself.

"What are you doing out here?" I whispered.

"Um, I wanted to give you some private time with Fr. C and I went wandering off, you know, to check your digs out." He shook whatever thought was in his head out and continued. "Anyway, I didn't find anything interesting, but I found the guest room or whatever."

"Why weren't you in there? I went looking for you."

"Um, I called Rosie to tell her goodnight and well, um, you know we started talking and things. Rosie isn't talking to Bella either and I guess she's really freaked out, by the way."

"Is she okay?" I asked, despite myself.

"Rose?"

I snickered. "No, Bella."

"Yeah, I think so. Bella tried to unload on Rose and I think she forgot who she was talking to, because Rose is _very_ protective of Jasper."

"-How is he? Did he go to Costa Rica? Is he okay?"

"-Down, cowboy! He did end up going, but I guess it took some doing. Rose is a little confused about some of the stuff that went down last night. She pretty pissed at everyone, except me."

"That's a change."

He smiled and put his hands behind his head, leaning back into them. "Don't I know it."

As he leaned back, I noticed his pants were unzipped.

_He was talking to Rose and things, ohhhhh._ I blushed.

"Um, Em?" I nodded to his crotch. "That's why you're out here?"

"Fuck yeah dude, have you ever tried to have phone sex in that room with all those creepy pictures looking down at you?"

"No and please tell me you don't mean the picture of Jesus?"

"Hell no, not that one, only I swear his eyes were following me. No, the dude in the red and white tall hats."

I laughed out loud. "The pope and the bishops?"

"Yeah, what the fuck is that? It's like they were_ judging_ me or something. I mean I'm game if someone wants to watch, but-"

"-Stop!" I held my hand up.

"Whaaaat?" He smiled innocently. He zippered up and started the car. "Where to?"

I froze. I didn't know where to go. I couldn't go back to Bella's after everything that happened. Jasper was in Costa Rica surfing, where he should be. I looked at the front of the seminary and knew in my heart, I wouldn't be staying here. "I don't know," I whispered.

I saw the front door open and Father Carlisle come out.

"Drive, Emmett."

"But Father C is right there, I can't just drive away, that would be rude, dude."

"Emmett, if you ever considered me a brother, hit the gas pedal, _now_!"

Emmett stepped on the gas, with a sad smile and a nod to Father Carlisle.

"Dude, ya want to tell me why I have to go to confession because I just dissed a priest?"

"Em, you jacked off while having phone sex in front of a seminary, and you're worried about driving off without saying goodbye to Father Carlisle?" _I can't wait to tell Jasper about this._

"Yeah, well, when you put it that way." He smirked cockily. "So, you ready to go home?"

"I-I-I don't know where that is anymore."

"You can just have the extra bedroom, we'll figure this out, dude."

"I can't go back there, Em."

"Why the fuck not? My home is your home; you should know that by now."

"Bella's there."

"Dude, get your head out of your ass, you need to get your shit straight with her anyway. I'm telling you, she'd want you there too."

"You don't understand. She and Father Carlisle have been talking behind my back. She told him about me quitting before I got here. She's been calling and checking on me and he's been reporting back to her."

"No shit? That doesn't sound like her at all. I guess I get her calling to find out if you were here earlier, especially if Rose wouldn't tell her anything, but her going behind your back like that? I just don't see it."

"I overheard them on the phone, and then confronted Father about it. He confirmed everything."

"I don't know dude, it just doesn't sound like her. Why would she need to have him report back to her when she talks to you all the time?"

"I don't know and I don't care. She's not the person I thought she was and neither is he!"

"Okay, so, where we going?"

I didn't know, but I knew I couldn't burden Emmett with this anymore. "The airport." There was only one home for me, and he was in Costa Rica surfing.

Emmett raised his eyebrows and clapped the hand that wasn't on the steering wheel on my shoulder. "Good choice, brother."

As we drove, Emmett called Rose and told her he would be heading home later that day.

Rose was curious as to why we were headed to the airport at such a God-awful time in the morning and Emmett told her he couldn't go another minute without seeing her. I rolled my eyes, but I could see the truth in his.

We got to the airport and he walked me in. We looked at the TV monitors for the next possible flight to Costa Rica. I was grateful to have remembered my passport and ready to max out my credit card to get back to where I belonged.

When we got to the counter I called Jasper's phone number to let him know I was going to fly in.

"Hello? Jasper?"

"Who's this?" _That's not Jasper._

"It's Edward." I heard some muffled voices in the background, but I couldn't make out anything that was being said.

"Jasper's not coming to the phone." _Jake._

"I need to talk to him Jacob, please tell him it's important."

"Can't you fucking take a hint? He doesn't want anything to do with you, asshole. You've done enough damage. He's not going to talk to you now or ever."

"B-but, tell him I'm coming."

"Don't bother." I heard a click and then a dial tone.

I stood frozen in line and looked around at the couples and families in line. _He needs to concentrate on his surfing. I would be a distraction. This is what I wanted for him._

Emmett brushed my shoulder. "Dude, you're next."

I grabbed my bags and walked to the front of the line. I sighed.

"I'd like to buy a ticket please."

"Where is final destination, sir?"

"Seattle. I'll be going home."

"And your return date, sir?"

"Um, just a one way ticket at this point."

Emmett looked over at me confused and I silently shook my head to his unasked question.

"Are you sure, dude?"

"I have nowhere else to go."

**A/N** I'm still working on the timing of posting updates. I got a huge promotion at work and I did have to put this aside for a couple of weeks. I also become a moderator for Fictionista's Writing Collective and would encourage anyone who is serious about writing to look into this amazing program. I learning to be a better author to honor the time you give me when you graciously read and review my story.

The next chapter is 90% done. It's J's POV and was easier to write than this one, but there was a lot of stuff that needed to come out in this one to make the rest of the story work. We're officially in the second phase of the story! I promise you'll hear from me soon.

Let me know if anything surprised you this chapter…


	16. Chapter 16 Coke for Color

**A/N** I have been BLOWN AWAY by all the recent reviews (OVER 500!), alerts and favorite. Saying thank you doesn't begin to cover it.

It simply doesn't get any better than my beta Savannah_Vee , who inspires me with her insight and intelligence. Her story, Uncomfortable, is a must-read, rip-your-heart-out-in-the-best-possible-way fic. I adore Shasta 53, my validation beta, who encourages me and writes the ingenious, The Arranged Marriage. I can't thank CherBella, and Loca37 enough for their comments and vision, without them AoG would be a confusing mess. Finally, I continue to be in awe of Carrottop81690. He knows why he's my hero and how I am humbled by his heart.

_Disclaimer: SM owns the original Twi Characters and Almost-Priestward and Surfsper own me. _

_Warning: Longer winded A/N at the end_

**Chapter 16 Coke for Color**

I looked around the bungalow trying to remember what I loved about it in the first place. The well-oiled teak woodwork, the brown leather couches, even the hammock on the porch didn't mean anything to me anymore. _Fuck it. Fuck it all._

I looked over to Jake who was going over my schedule and whispering shit to the staff. I hated feeling "managed" and that's exactly what Jake was doing. This wasn't like the other times, I was just sad; so fucking devastated. It wasn't like this was anyone else's fault. I knew going in it wasn't a good idea. I mean who falls in love with a fucking priest?

I grabbed an Imperial beer out of the refrigerator and sat on the cane chairs overlooking the ocean, while Jake continued doing whatever he was doing. I couldn't stop thinking about Edward. Ever since I semi-sobered up on the plane, his last words to me kept echoing in my head. _"I'm leaving, there's nothing for you here anymore."_

Seriously, what the fuck? We never made each other promises. But I _know_ I wasn't alone in my feelings. How could he tell Bella one minute that he loved me and then kiss her the next? It still made my stomach wretch. _I love him, God damn it! _I threw the beer bottle onto lush undergrowth.

"Hey! Since when did the great Jasper Hale, world famous surfer and ecologist extraordinaire become such a litter bug?"

I saw a flash of auburn hair with just enough red in it to make my heart stop, as the voice continued his trek up from the beach through the jungle. _He came!_

I twisted my body around the post blocking my view and I saw his hair again_. Thank you, God. _

"Edward? How did you find me?"

"Who the hell is Edward? I told you about calling out other men's names when you're in Costa Rica, man." He pulled me backwards into the full length of his body, as he whispered in my ear, "I thought I had already explained to you, when you're here, you're mine."

I pushed off of him, as his teeth gently grazed the outer shell of my ear. "You wish, fucker."

I turned around and gave him a one-armed hug. "Brandon, you sorry son-of-a-bitch! How the hell are you?"

"The same, _Maje_. You know nothing changes around here until you big wigs come and grace our waves with your presence."

"Is everyone else here?"

"Yeah, you missed some great waves the last couple of days. Almost everyone else has been here for at least a week now. What happened to you? There were rumors of you not coming at all?"

"Nah, you know I can't miss a competition. I was just spending time with my sister."

"Ummmhmm. How's that hot man of hers? I mean Jake's pretty to look at and everything, but Emmett..." I rolled my eyes as he fanned himself in the heavy moist air.

"Jesus, B, he's like my brother, give it a rest."

"Okay, change of topic, how come that sadly-straight-but-oh-so-hot manager of yours called the reserve and left me a message to get my ass over here? I'm assuming it's not because he's changed his mind and wants me to go where no man has gone before on him?"

I snorted in disgust. "No, it's because he's a douche and a fucking interfering idiot beyond that," I answered, then muttered under my breath, "I shoulda broken more than his nose last night."

Brandon raised his eyebrows in surprise. "You did not fuck up that pretty face of his, did you?"

The only answer I offered was the smirk on my face. "You want a beer, man?"

"Nah, I brought my own." Brandon placed a bottle of Bacardi 151 on the arm of my chair. "I figured if I was being summoned, that this might be in order."

"Brandon, I may love you just a little bit more, man." I looked up at him, smirking just enough to make his knees buckle a bit.

I grabbed the bottle and tore off the metal netting that always bugged the shit out of me, before taking a swig of the amber liquid.

"Why the fuck is that metal thing always on those bottles? Is it a filter or something?"

Brandon snickered as I took another swig. "Slow down, Jasper, that's for Cuba Libres! The metal filter is there because it's stops the bottle from blowing up around fire. Slow. Down. That's pretty serious stuff."

I had already decided on spending another evening drunk and numb, it was a much better alternative to thinking about Edward any more.

"Come on Brandon, let's get wasted," I announced as I went into the kitchen for glasses and the bottles of Coke. "Cuba Libres it is!" I poured the 151 in my glass about three quarters full and topped it off with the coke. "Coke for color, dude, coke for color."

After the bottle of 151 was almost gone, I looked around and noticed Jake, the guys and even Brandon had left me alone. _When did everyone leave?_ I got up and stumbled out the door, heading for the nearest bar for a distraction from my thoughts.

_Fuckin' Jake. Did he honestly think calling another gay man to my room would make me forget about Edward? Douche. Asshole. _

_Sometimes I think all straight men have their heads in their asses. His girlfriend was just making out with my… fuck, whatever he was, maybe I should set him up with some bitch at the bar and let him see how it feels… _

AoG ~ AoG ~ AoG ~ AoG ~ AoG

"Get up lazy bones."

"Go away," I responded sleepily.

"Get your ass up, sunshine, it's 4:30 in the morning and the water is calling our name, Maje."

I sat straight up in bed. _Shit shit shit! I'm naked and Brandon's in my room at 4:30 in the morning. _I ran to the bathroom and threw up as I tried to remember what happened last night. _Fuck my life._

I finally dragged myself out of bathroom after puking again because I tried to brush my teeth. Brandon was sitting out on the porch watching the sun slowly change the color of the night sky. This had always been my favorite part of the day. From here, he could easily be mistaken for Edward. I'd trade anything for it to be him sitting out on the porch right now. _Fuck! What have I done?_

"I made some coffee, Maje."

"Um, thanks, man."

The smell of coffee and the briny ocean air was just too much for me. I grabbed my board and a towel. I told him that I was ready, even though that was the farthest thing from the truth as it got.

It was great seeing all the guys in the water. I had missed them, missed the water, missed everything, but I couldn't catch a wave for nothing. Nothing felt right and I couldn't find it in myself to give a shit.

The tropical sun beat down on my back and shoulders. I stayed out on the water long after most of the guys went in. I stiffened slightly when Brandon paddled towards me.

"You might as well come in dude, you aren't surfing for crap today."

"Shut it, asshole."

Brandon let out a full belly laugh. "Not feeling so good after last night? I made you coffee and everything, Maje."

"Look, don't call me that. I don't know what the fuck happened between us last night, but I'm just not in the right place to continue this or whatever."

"Ego, much? Jazz, you and I both know there have never been strings, but I am not, nor will ever be someone's pity fuck. Get the hell over yourself. We're friends, first, last and beyond all the yummy things we do to each other's bodies. Now, you want to tell me what's going on in your head?"

I wordlessly stared at him. The sun was behind him, blinding me to his features. His outline looked so much like Edward that I reached out to him for a moment. The minute he leaned in, his features came back into focus and I pulled back.

"Go away, Brandon."

"Are you serious, man?"

"Yeah, look I've just got a lot on my mind right now."

"Okay, later, dude." Brandon tilted his head in question, but gave me my requested space.

I paddled farther out in the water and just lay on my stomach on my board, allowing the tide to pull me along. I went over every conversation Edward and I had in my head. _He loves me, but he must love Bella and maybe God more. _

My mind wandered to all the Brandons in my past. Meaningless fucks that were more of a showcase in skill set and pleasure than anything else. Brandon was one of the rare men I had actually done more than once. He had the benefit of being geographically available when I was in Costa Rica and knew how to keep his mouth shut, nothing more, nothing less. _The fact that he was cut and hung like a horse didn't hurt either_. Karma's a bitch because when I finally fell in love, I end up being the one that wasn't good enough. _Hell, who am I kidding, I knew that all along._

I continued floating aimlessly on my board in the ocean and was a little surprised to find I was almost a mile from where I got in the water. Swimming to shore, I got out of the water and tucked my board under my arm and ran along the shoreline. Jake and the boys were waiting for me. I nodded to each of them then Jake and I headed back to the bungalow.

"Dude, you _have _to get your head in the game. I thought that guy would clear your head."

"Yeah, about that, you're an asshole."

"I don't care what or who you do, but play time is over, I've been more than generous letting you go sand-railing and mother-fucking race car driving, but this is work now."

"First of all, you didn't _let_ me do anything. I'm not a machine, Jake, I can't help it if my head is all over the place." I paused, then whispered, "I miss him."

"Well, get the fuck over it. He's just a guy. You don't see me all fucked up over this, and let's face it we're kinda in the same boat. Business is business. If you want to work this out - and I'm telling you right now, there are better guys out there for you- but if this is truly what you want, fix it _after_ the tour. It's what I'm doing. I told Bella, we both needed time to think."

I looked into his eyes and saw the same pain that reflected in my own. _I guess we are in the same boat._ I just didn't get how he could turn his feelings off like that. Edward was everywhere for me. There was a strange satisfaction is the pain that accompanied those feelings. I wasn't sure if I wanted to turn them off.

I spent the afternoon finishing off the bottle of 151 from the night before. Jake was still irritated at me for drinking but the other boys were always up for a party. Thank God Brandon didn't show up again. It was enough that I had to flirt with the fan girls the boys brought up to the room, I didn't have the energy to deal with him. The whole idea of fucking him last night was the reason I was drinking tonight. It was one thing to think about Edward, but thinking about cheating on what we shared - that involved a whole new level of numbness.

The next two days were replications of the first day. I'd surf in the morning and stay out on the water as long as I could. I did the required promotional stuff and all the kiss ass stuff Jake scheduled, but then I went home to drink until I passed out.

Jake had my guard dogs keep everyone and everything at bay. Honestly, if I really wanted to use, he wouldn't be able to stop me, but he was doing his damnedest to keep that shit away from me. I was itching to get into a fight and he knew it, so my alcohol was limited at the clubs as well. Apparently public brawls and drunkenness were "off the table" for this tour. _Fucking Jake_. Thank God my room was stocked with Maker's Mark, Grey Goose, Patron, and 151. I guess he thought drinking was the least of all evils I could get into.

A couple of days before the competition, after I answered some emails and did a web-conference with the Quiksilver team, I walked into the nearby village and found myself at the chapel. I was angry and ready to rage at God, for taking the one thing that actually mattered to me.

The Hispanic Father smiled at me as I walked into the simple church. He continued to attend to the altar as I kneeled in a middle pew. The scent of the burning candles and furniture oil, combined with the heady smell of recently used incense overtook the tropical heavy air. I stared up at the hand-carved crucifix behind the altar and the delicate statue of Mary off to the side of it, taking the scene before me in.

I silently asked God the questions that had consumed me for the last couple of days. _Why? Why me? Why him? Why wasn't I enough?_ It had been a long time since I came to God pissed off about the circumstances of my life. It seemed like a lifetime ago I was asking God why he made me gay in another church so far away from here.

My emotions got the better of me as I let the tears fall down my face. I wanted to be pissed. I was pissed, but I was too Catholic to yell at God, which irrationally aggravated me even more. I needed to hit something, or somebody. This shit wasn't fair.

The father came over and asked if I was alright in broken English. I answered in perfect Spanish that I was. I told him I was just going through a hard time. He nodded and asked if I wanted to talk. I needed to talk, but I was always leery. Some priests were okay with homosexuality, but I never knew which ones. I simply told him that the person I loved left me because I wasn't good enough. He asked if she told me in those exact words. I remained quiet. He nodded again and asked why I thought I wasn't good enough. I explained that the one I loved had a tough choice to make and in the end, he chose something over me.

"We are faced with all sort of difficult choices in our lives. The real challenge is being open to the opportunities they provide for us." He went on to say that maybe I was better off because she made this choice, that if she truly loved me the way I appeared to love her that she would not have made that choice.

I knew he was just trying to help, but his comment infuriated me and I told him such.

"You don't know this person! How _dare_ you question the way I was loved or the fact that I was loved at all. E loved me, we loved each other and it was the best thing that ever happened to me!"

Father put his hand over mine on the top of the pew and patted it, smiling softly.

"It sounds like you have had your answer after all. Like with God, we have to have faith in our relationships. Believe, even when evidence indicates otherwise. The book of James tells us we cannot have faith without action. Are you honoring your relationship with your actions, my son?"

Remaining silent, I put my head down and shook my head.

"We are all here in whatever place, we're in in our lives, for a reason. Seek the truth out in that statement. There is a reason for you to be here. Find out what is it, my son." He told me as he got up and left me with my thoughts.

The sun was bright in the sky as I wandered out of the chapel and down the dirt road. I ended up in front of a rental shop. The guy tried to get me to rent one of the scooters they had featured on the side walk, but they looked worn and slow. I made his day when I pointed to the Harley they had in the back. Jacob would kick my ass, but he wasn't here, so what the fuck.

When they found out who I was, they offered to loan it to me for free if I did an endorsement. I told them I didn't handle all of that and that I would just pay for it. I figured I might have bought myself an extra day or so before Jake found out. In my book, this didn't fall under the extreme sports exclusion under my contract, but I knew he might see it differently.

The rain forest came to life, as I rode through the countryside and along the coast. Always having come here on business, I never really took the time to enjoy the unique beauty of this country. I couldn't help thinking that this would have been one more thing off Edward's bucket list.

The bar overlooking the ocean that was filled with tourists, but I pulled in anyway. I ordered my "casado" or lunch and a Bavaria Negra beer and called Rose.

"Hey, lil sis, what's up?"

"Where the hell are you?"

Laughing, I answered, "In Costa Rica, you made me get on the plane, remember?"

"No dumbass, where in Costa Rica? Jacob called here, asking if I had talked to you, which I haven't by the way. He's practically having a brain aneurysm. Apparently you all were in some sort of teleconference, which lasted longer for him than you. When he went to check on you in your room, you were nowhere to be found. He's been calling your cell. Obviously it works, because you're using it to call me, but haven't bothered to call him. I couldn't give a shit about him, but you're a different story. What's up with you? Are you okay?"

I smiled, no one would have ever guessed I was the oldest sibling when she got all protective like this.

"I am at a restaurant overlooking the ocean having some good food and a great beer. Why don't you and Em fly down and meet me down here. I think I want to buy some property down here."

"You know I can't pick up and leave at a moment's notice. Do you need me, though? I need a day or so, but I could make it happen."

"I always need you Rose, but I don't need-need you. I just wanted some company and Jacob's getting on my nerves. He's got me on lock-down and it's pissing me off. What about Em? Doesn't he have some vacation time he wants to burn on my dime?"

"He just got back from a trip, I don't think he can go either."

"Really? I don't remember him telling me he was going anywhere."

"Well, you were busy and this came up at the last minute."

The dead air on the phone was deafening from everything not being said.

"So, are you really okay?"

"Today's a better day than the last couple, but I'm getting there."

"Is being back in the ocean helping?"

I snorted. "Actually, no. I haven't been able to surf for shit."

Rosalie was quiet for a few moments before asking, "How are you coping then?"

"Do you mean am I using again?"

"No. Well, yeah, are you? You need to know, no one is worth you going back there. It took you so long to come back the last time, I don't know if I can watch you go through that again."

"I'm not using. I can't say it isn't tempting, but honestly I've been a little too drunk to put out the effort to go find it and Jake's been keeping the guard walls up pretty high."

"I guess that piece of shit's good for something," she muttered as I laughed.

"He's a good guy, Rose. He's annoying as hell right now, but he's keeping me on the straight and narrow as much as he can right now."

"Whatever. I don't want you to get into trouble you can't get out of, but pleeeeeease tell me you're making him at least a little bit miserable."

I snickered. "Well, I rented a Harley and took off without telling him about it, so yeah, I'm sure he's miserable right about now," I told her as I leaned back in the wooden chair, placing my feet up on the chair across from me."

She giggled, "Well good, he's a jackass."

"He's not doing anything you wouldn't be doing if you were here, you know."

"Bullshit, you know I would be seriously kicking your ass if I was down there."

"I know," I answered and then added, "He's hurting too."

"_He_ doesn't get to hurt, but we need to get off this subject. Talking about any of it is only going to piss me off more. The only ones I'm not pissed off at are you and Emmett right now."

'That's a switch, usually Em and I are first on your list," I teased.

"I know, right?" I could hear the smile through the phone. "So, you want to invest again in Costa Rica, huh?"

"What do you mean again?"

"You dumbshit. Don't you know what you invest in and what you don't? You're a substantial shareholder in some turtle farm down there."

"Really?"

"You told me two years ago to look into it when you competed down there the first time. You toured it? Anyway I looked into it and eco-tourism is so predominant down there, I thought it would be a good investment. It turns out it makes a better tax-shelter, but whatever, it works."

"Oh yeah. That's the one I usually volunteer at when I'm here. I own part of it? Maybe I should stop by."

"You think?" She retorted with sarcasm, practically biting my ear off.

"Listen, I'm gonna go. I promise to call soon. I love you, baby sis."

"Back at ya, hot shot." I heard right before the click of the call ending. I drank the last of more beer and felt really proud of not asking about Bella or Edward.

She was clearly annoyed with both of them. I wished I knew for exactly what. _She must know about the kiss by now. I wondered if Edward stayed with them. He said he was going back to the seminary, but maybe he stayed with Bella instead. Rose would tell me if that was the case, right?_

Remembering what the priest had said to me earlier, I mentally pushed all those thoughts out of my head. A little faith is what I needed now, I thought as I threw my leg over the Harley and felt the engine rumble underneath me.

After asking for directions, I headed towards the turtle farm. I had been there each time I visited, but they were really photo ops more than anything else. I couldn't remember doing anything else but holding the baby turtles, thinking they were cute and shit. I couldn't believe I owned part of it.

The long driveway to the farm gave me the opportunity to take in the lush growth that surrounded the property. The rest of the world seemed to melt away as I got closer to the main building. Getting off the bike I could hear the sound on the tide crashing on shore. It grounded me like it always did. The more predominant tweets, hums and swishes of the jungle crept into my conscious, as I breathed in the atmosphere.

I circumvented the main building and followed the trail I had been taken on the few times I had visited, to the tanks that I knew were behind it. As the ocean filled the background and the sea air surrounded me, reflexive warmth expanded through me causing me to smile. I kicked off my shoes and left them at the edge of the path.

The tanks were filled with turtles of all sizes. It surprised me to see the area void of any people. Every time I had been there before the area was surrounded with tourists, guides and photographers. The serenity of the place now was decidedly better than the craziness of the other times. I enjoyed watching the turtles trying to best each other on their fight to get to me and once they figured out I had no food to offer, their lazy exit. _So fickle._

I don't know how long I stayed and watched the turtles, but I was simply fascinated by their movements and interactions. This had been the only area I was allowed to view, but it was apparent by the voices towards the beach the complex was larger. Following the sounds, I left the tranquil tank area.

His shirtless, tanned back was the first thing I noticed. I'm usually an ass man, but the baggy cargo shorts did nothing for him. He was leaning over a huge tank working on something, so I took a private moment to appreciate the view. There is something so beautiful about the sharp lines of the male form. He was wearing flip-flops which were lying in the sand next to his feet. The smattering of hair was blond over his tight muscular solid calves. The damn cargo shorts threw the whole visual off. I had no problem visualizing how tight his ass was underneath them though. I could only assume his arms were equally as fit, because the upper half of him was behind the walls of the tank.

I was startled when a worker told me in Spanish that this area was off limits and that I needed to go back to the main building. Feeling awkward I had just been caught checking out his co-worker, I shoved my hands in my pockets and went turned around to go find the manager.

"Like what you see, Maje?"

My head flipped around to see Brandon in full smirk.

I shrugged, then smirked back.

"Was this a photo-op day? I don't remember seeing you on the office calendar. Hot pants with you?"

"Hot pants? You mean Jacob?" I laughed.

"MmmmHmmm," he answered, as he licked his lips.

"I don't know what's worse, making snide remarks about Emmett who's like my brother or Jacob, my best friend."

He shrugged and said as he turned back towards the tank, "You should hear what I say about you."

The cockiness oozed off of him, and I remembered what attracted me to him in the first place. He knew I'd follow him to the tank and I did.

"Come to see where all your money is going?"

"You know I invest in this place?"

He snorted. "_I_ was the one who introduced you to this place. We couldn't do half of what we've been able to do without your money, Maje."

"Why do you call me that?"

Brandon turned to look at me, using his hand to block the direct sun from his eyes. "It's a term of endearment down here. Don't read too much into it. I have many majes."

His overwhelming masculinity overtook my senses as I allowed the game he was playing to continue. I understood this game. This was a game I knew. I was once the master, but clearly he had learned some tricks since I had seen him last. I appraised him, predator to predator, match to match.

With his hand shading his face and his brownish red hair, again, the similarity to Edward once again stuck me. I would have given anything for Edward to be so clear about his intentions, or to know that he wanted me at all.

Pushing all those thoughts aside, I asked, "What's in the tank?"

His grin took over his whole face. "Come meet Maisy."

"Maisy?" I questioned as I looked over at the largest turtle I had ever seen in my life. "Holy shit!"

"Isn't she beautiful?"

"That's not what I would call it. It's huge!"

"Hey, she's got feelings! Don't you, Maaaaisy? Maisy is the oldest, and largest sea turtle in captivity. She's too old to battle the surf anymore. We took her in about a year ago when she was caught in a fishing net and had almost drowned."

"Sea turtles can drown?"

"Si. She's a leatherback turtle. See, she doesn't have claws, she has flippers. She doesn't have a bony shell like most sea turtles, she's got beautiful bony plates covered by a leathery skin."

"You know a lot about her," I commented more to myself than to him.

"Of course I do, I couldn't run this facility and not know about beauties like her."

"Wait, _you_ run this place?"

He shook his head. "How long have you been coming here? Of course I run this place! Who do you think you send your checks to?" He asked incredulously.

'I-I don't write the checks," I responded, as I tried to remember if he ever told me. It occurred to me that we rarely talked in the few times we were together. We danced. We drank. One night we did X together and of course each time we fucked. However we never fucked harder than we did the night on X. _Maybe._

"Well, your money saved Maisy, so I guess I don't really give a fuck who wrote the check for you. She's endangered. She's weighs a little over fourteen hundred pounds, but don't let her size fool you. Back in the day, she was once clocked at thirty four miles an hour. I'm the lucky SOB that gets to play with her every day. Thank you."

"What you're doing is amazing. I can't believe I didn't know more about this before, Brandon."

"Well, talking about what we did for a living wasn't really a priority before, was it?" He winked.

"Yeah, but you know what I do."

He laughed. "Everybody knows what you do. That, and hot pants made me sign a NDA after that first night with you."

"You can't be serious! He made you sign a non-disclosure agreement?"

"You heard me. Hot pants is quite a guard dog for you."

"I'm sorry. That's really humiliating, I had no idea."

"No worries, dude. I wouldn't say we were friends or anything, but we've had a lot of interaction since then. He got Quiksilver to use this location in a couple of ads which brought us a lot of money and recognition. He's a good man."

I nodded, processing everything Brandon was saying.

"Plus, he's not bad to look at. You sure surround yourself with hot men. I guess that's one of the perks to being Jasper Hale."

It was my turn to snicker. "You know I've never, ever looked at him that way. I just can't."

"Your loss. That's one fiiiine man."

Uncomfortable with the direction the conversation had taken, I looked over in Maisy's tank again.

"Have you always studied turtles? I mean clearly you're not from Costa Rica."

"That's a long story, Maje, and to hear it you'll have to buy me dinner."

I vacillated. I was tired of needing to be numb from missing Edward. _It's just dinner._

"Where to?" I asked.

I followed Brandon in his rusty red jeep through the jungle road, onto the paved one that paralleled the beach.

We pulled into a cantina right outside the city.

"Low enough profile for you, Maje?"

"Anything would have been fine, I've never been here, though. Is the food good?"

"Eh. The food is good, the ambiance is better. It's pretty much a locals-only joint."

We walked in and Brandon kissed the heavyset woman at the door on the cheek. As she was walking us back to what looked like one of the best tables in the restaurant, he reminded me of how Emmett always flirts with the waitress back home.

"Her son works for me, well I guess, us, at the reserve."

"You flirted shamelessly with her."

"Jealous?"

"Wouldn't you like to know?" I quirked an eyebrow and stared him down until his eye lids lowered. _Point One, Hale._

"So… We're here at dinner and I was promised the deets on how you ended up in Costa Rica."

He ignored me and picked up the menu. We ordered two Cuba Libres and prawns for dinner.

The dinner conversation fell into a flirtatious banter. I noticed several times how easy it was to be with him. The protective edge I was always on with Edward, just wasn't there. We kept the conversation casual and ordered several more rounds of drinks.

"What are we doing here, Maje?" he slurred slightly into his drink.

"Um, you're a lying sack a shit and I'm the gullible ass that actually believed you when you promised me some information about how the hell you ended up here," I teased.

The mood shifted as I peered over at his heated look in his eyes.

"You're playing with fire. You know this, yes?"

"What if I need a little fire?" I challenged.

"Like the other night?"

I thought back to the morning I woke up with him a couple of days ago and still couldn't remember the night before, but looked directly in his eyes. "Exactly like that."

Brandon's eyes softened as a subtle smile appeared on his face.

"You remind me so much of him," he said quietly.

"Of who?"

"You asked how I came to be here in Costa Rica. I'm afraid I'm a bit of a cliché. I followed a boy."

"No shit."

He laughed softly, as his eyes glazed over a bit. "I lived a small town in the mid-west. I've always known I was gay and had a great family who couldn't have cared less. It was ideal in so many ways."

I nodded. Even though my story was a little different, I knew what it meant to have Rose's unconditional support. "But?"

"Being from a small town didn't offer a lot of… opportunity? I wasn't in the closet, but there wasn't really a reason to make any announcements either, you know?"

I smiled and placed my hand over his and nodded again.

"I met Marcus online. I was a quiet kid, I didn't really play football or anything like that, so when I met Marcus in a chat room and we had so much in common, it felt like everything finally clicked.

"It wasn't like I was unhappy before, it was more that I never knew how amazing life could be until him."

I knew exactly how he felt. I wondered where Marcus was now.

"What happened?"

"That, my friend will involve more alcohol." We ordered another round and I sat quietly while he got his bearings again.

I shifted uncomfortably as his voice took on a different timber. "Did you know that you could be a different person online?"

"Fuck."

"We had been conversing online for about a year when he asked me to come visit him. At the time I was leading rock climbing tours, so Costa Rica was like the Holy Grail of rock climbing-"

"-You're a rock climber?"

"Si, on the weekends only now, but yes." Brandon continued to intrigue me as he went on.

"Anyway, we continued our talks online and I fell in love with everything he told me about his life, the turtles and this place. I filed it away and continued to squirrel money away while our relationship developed through chat rooms, AIM, and the rare but expensive phone calls.

"I should have been alerted when he wouldn't send me a picture of himself, but I was too young, too inexperienced and too far gone, honestly.

"I didn't tell him I was coming until I had already booked my ticket. It was perfect, I was going to take a safety class and see him at the same time. I couldn't wait."

I ordered another round of drinks, because I wasn't sure I was ready to hear the rest of his story. I had heard hundreds of these, and they never got easier. It really irritated me. Coming out when you're young was fucking hard enough without the thousands of assholes that took advantage every day.

"I was shocked when I got off the plane and he wasn't there to meet me."

"Please tell me he wasn't some fuckin' sick cigarette smoking housewife screwing with your head."

Coke and rum spit out of his mouth, as he heard my utterance. "Fuck no, thank God. He was real alright, just not the way I pictured him.

"I was a little confused as to why he wasn't at the airport, but came up with all sorts of excuses in my head. He was working, there was an emergency and a hundred others.

"When I first got here, the turtle farm, was just that, a farm. It actually raised turtles to sell, to China, for soup." He shuddered. "I had no idea, I kept asking the locals for a turtle reserve and they kept referring back to the farm. I finally concluded it was a language barrier thing and hiked out there."

"You _walked_?"

"Heh! I was a broke college student who led rock climbing exhibitions for extra money, hell yeah, I walked."

"When I got to the farm, I was sure it was the wrong place. It was just that a turtle farm. I was ready to turn around when on a fluke I asked one of the workers if they knew who Marcus was. I was floored when he did.

"He led me inside to the house on the property and brought me to an older man who was sick in bed."

"Shit."

"He was sleeping, but his computer was in the corner. I wiggled the mouse and our chat room came up. He was writing me a Dear John letter, which was full of lies, but it was left unsent on the screen."

"What did you do?"

"I waited until he woke up."

"Did he know who you were right away?"

He nodded. "He had pictures of me, but I had none of him."

"Dude, I'm on pins and needles, this is crazy! What the fuck happened?"

"We talked. I left. I was pissed for being misled. I called my parents, but I just couldn't tell them. They already thought I was reckless to talk to anyone online. It was more dangerous back then and I didn't want to admit being a failure.

"I took the safety class I came down here for and on the last day, he showed up. We came here for dinner-"

"-No fuckin' way. You came _here_?"

"Si, here. Margarita, who greeted us, is his mother's cousin."

"He was native?"

"His mother was. His dad grew up in Florida. It was his dad's turtle farm. By the time I met him, both his parents had passed. He was a biologist, but the reserve was his dream. It actually sickened him that he profited off killing them for food."

"How did it go from that, to the place we were at earlier?"

"Love."

I was stone cold sober, even though I shouldn't be. Brandon couldn't be that much older than me and yet he had had this amazing life. I held up my hand palms up, wordlessly asking him to continue.

"We talked for what seemed like days and it reminded me why I came down here in the first place. The things he told me from the heart were all true, the inconsequential things like his age and the farm weren't."

"Those are pretty big things in my book."

"Yes and no."

"You said he was sick?" I prompted.

"I told you I was a cliché, remember?"

"HIV Positive?"

"No, full blown AIDS. He was very active with the Miami club set. He was diagnosed and came home to die. He found me online and when everything clicked for him too, he made up the parts of his life that he wanted to, never figuring it would ever go anywhere."

"You totally fucked with his game by coming here."

He nodded.

"How did you get past it?"

"I went home."

"Whaaaat? You're killing me, dude! What made you come back?"

"Margarita over there called me when he got sick again after I left."

"No shit."

"He gave up after I left and stopped taking his meds. I was so angry with him, but more than that I loved him. I borrowed money from my parents and flew back here the following week. I dragged his ass to the doctor and got him well again. We had two great years, that I wouldn't trade for anything. We started using some of the profits from the turtle farming and created the reserve. It was both up until four years ago."

"I'm so sorry, Brandon." I squeezed the hand on the table.

"Don't be, Maje. Some people never experience the connection I had with Marcus. We were friends first, like you and your Edward, no?"

"What?"

"You heard me. Edward is your Marcus, no?"

"I don't know what Jacob told you, when he called-"

"-Hot pants didn't tell me, you did. The first night you were here."

"I don't remember a lot of that night," I admitted.

"I guessed when you said you wanted what we had the other night."

"Fuck. What did I do?"

"Well, first of all, when drinking Cuba Libres with 151, Coke for color is a baaaad idea." He laughed. "You were dead set on getting drunk that night. You got to the point that you didn't care who was in the room because the one person who you wanted there wasn't. I didn't know what was up, but it was clear I wasn't needed like hot pants thought, so I left and went to the bar down the street.

"I was there for about forty five minutes when you came in, all sex on legs flirting with all the women in the bar. You drew quite the crowd and were about to leave with two of them when you saw me. You loudly explained you were going to _give_ these girls to hot pants, like he _gave_ you me.

"As soon as I figured out what was going on I knew it was time to get you out of there. I tried to explain to the girls you were with what was up and damn if they were okay with it. Stupid whores!"

I laughed out loud. Coming up with that idea was the last thing I remembered. _What the hell was I thinking?_

"So I guess I have you to thank from saving me from straight sex?"

He snorted. "Be clear, you were so fucked up there was no way you were getting it up that night."

I balked. "Be clear. _That_ has _never_ been a problem, no matter how fucked up I was."

"Maje, you were with two bitches. Tell me again there wasn't going to be a problem."

I looked down and shook my head, but refused to acquiesce.

"Anyway, I dragged your whiny ass back to your bungalow, while you played with my hair telling me how much it looked like Edward's, but wasn't. You got this far away look in your eyes and told me you weren't enough. You want to share?"

"I guess Edward is my Marcus, but my story doesn't have a happy ending." I gave him the cliff notes version of our two weeks.

"A priest, huh? You sure know how to pick them, Maje. Why didn't you talk to him after he kissed that girl; his best friend?"

"He didn't give me a chance, and then he told me he chose her."

"Really? Something is missing. What exactly did he say to you?"

"He told me to get on the plane that he was going to the seminary as scheduled."

"But you said, he chose her. Why do you think that?"

My anger flared. "He told me to get on the plane - that he wouldn't be there for me. He said to go on with my life like before he came in and messed it all up. What does it matter if he went to the church or to her. It. Wasn't. Me."

"People lie and twist words to suit their needs all the time. Look at Marcus."

"Not Edward, he's the best man I know."

"Do you think he loves you?"

"As quick as it happened, yes, we fell in love."

"And you think he could turn his back on that love in one night?"

I stared at him. Only one word screamed in my head. _No. _I wanted to believe so badly, but this was too much to wrap my head around.

"You should talk to him, Maje. You deserve to know. I'll tell you this. Love is a rare thing. Fuck, this night is all too much for me. Let's do something stupid! I'm tired of hurting."

I looked into his eyes. "Brandon, I can't tell you I wasn't thinking along those lines earlier, but…"

"Man, your ego knows no bounds! I want to do something permanent and irrevocable, not _you_. Do I look like I'm hurting for company? I may not have a great love anymore, but I can scratch that itch anytime I want."

"How did you not shut down, you know, after?"

"I guess I've never tried to replace Marcus. I couldn't. But I know if Marcus was out there somewhere, healthy and alive, I would fight for him. Hell, I'd fight for just another, day, hour, maybe even another minute.

"You bought dinner and I ripped out my heart so you could see what an assuming ass you've been. You owe me, Maje. Let's go."

He grabbed my arm just as I left a couple hundred on the table. It more than covered the bill, and I hoped would compensate Margarita for the care she had shown my friend.

"Neither one of us can drive, dude."

"We're not, we're walking."

We stumbled about a half mile, until we came to a strip mall. "We're really gonna do this?"

"Si, Maje." We pushed open the door to the Tattoo Parlor.

**A/N: **Again it's over a month between postings. I'm going to stop apologizing for the delays at this point. RL took an insane turn for me, but I also used it as an excuse and for that I'm sorry. Becoming president of my company has overwhelmed me, but in addition to that, my son's choir competed and WON to become the National Grand Champion Show Choir in New York and then was filmed on the Glee Project in San Diego the following weekend. We flew back and forth, across country and it was amazing! ::Proud mama moment:: The winning set was a Harry Potter Theme and links can be found on my profile.

This chapter has been completely rewritten. In my original outline, Surfsper was supposed to go back to his man-whoring tendencies. I have to be honest; it was SO fun to write. (May post as an AU Outtake later) BUT as I re-read it over and over, I just didn't think Jasper would turn his back on how he had changed because of E's love.

The old version of his chapter was actually written (mostly) before the Emmett Outtake, but I kept sitting on it and sitting on it not quite able to finish. It was in honoring Surfsper and y'all (some of you who "knew" it was going to go there), that I re-wrote this chapter.

Since RL won't be slowing down, I have decided to write shorter quicker chapters. I won't make any promises, other than to say I promise this story is important to me, as are all of you.

Let me know what you think…


	17. 17ForeverLisa Birthday Prequel Outtake

If you read this yesterday (July 27th) only the ends have changed. I didn't make it clear enough in the first draft, as only one person called in (and it was in the form of a question).

This is UNBETA'ed. It's a dear friend's, 17ForeverLisa, birthday today (July 27th). I missed the deadline to include this in the blog, but it is my birthday offering to her. If you get a moment wish her happy birthday on Twitter 17ForeverLisa

My Dear Lisa:

Happy Birthday Baby! You are an angel to so many I thought I'd treat you to this prequel that I've been kicking around in my head for a few months. You were one of the first people to welcome me into the world of slash and I've never forgotten it. Without you, there probably wouldn't have been a continuation to the Angel of God one-shot. You inspire so many with such grace. Happy Happy Happy Birthday, Beautiful.

Xooxo

Korissaa

**Angel of God Prequel**

**EPOV 2****nd**** year of College**

This had been a tough year. There wasn't a day that went by that Alice didn't overtake my thoughts. Losing her two years ago had decimated my large family.

You would think in a family of fifteen children that we would get lost in all the chaos. And we did, but looking back, maybe that's why Alice was so outgoing and gregarious. She beamed happiness and pushed it out on all of us that were closest to her. It used to annoy the hell out of me.

Where Alice was exuberant and constantly bubbly, I tended to be quiet and reserved. I am number thirteen of fifteen kids. We all tended to be athletically inclined, but I never wasn't ever able to compete against my superstar big brothers, after a while I just stopped trying.

Everyone else was content to allow me to pull away, except Alice. She found my "emo" side "ridiculous," and dragged me with her as often as she could. She even convinced our parents into forcing me to play with her. I was a year older, and hanging out with my baby sister had no appeal.

She was a master manipulator; she told them she was having self-esteem issues from being in such a big family and just wanted me to be her best friend. I couldn't help, but roll my eyes and smile at the memory. Some days I wondered, _had they even met her?_ But, that was Alice. She had a unique ability to get anyone to do anything.

Other the years, I not only became her best friend, but she became mine. Even when she "found" Bella and decided she needed a girl best friend, Bella just fell into place in our relationship, like a puzzle piece you didn't know was missing until it made everything fit the way it was suppose to.

Bella tended to be quiet like me, but thrived off of Alice's energy more than I did. Bella offered me a quiet place to be myself and I think I did the same for her. All three of us got something we needed from each other and as a result we became inseparable.

It wasn't until my senior year and Alice and Bella's junior year did we start branching out. Starting high school was hard without them. I naturally pulled into myself and studies. It wasn't until I was forced to play some sports in PE, did some of the guys start talking to me. I still wasn't as good as any of my brothers, but all the time I spent chasing after them made me better than most of the guys in ninth grade. High school continued and as soon as Alice and Bella started, we fell back into our close knit group. I got ribbed a bunch from the guys, but I didn't care, slowly our little group of three developed an outer circle of friends as well.

After watching a lot of my guy friends start to pair off, I decided it was time to do the same. It seemed like everyone was doing it. I asked, Jessica, a girl who games to all my games, to go out. She was nice enough and seemed to like me.

Alice was beside herself. The first time I took Jess out, Alice cried for hours. She was a complete drama queen, and accused me of turning my back on her and Bella. It was bizarre. We constantly argued about it. She didn't understand that I thought it was time for all of us to start living our own lives.

It was about that same time she decided to date Riley. He had been chasing after her for a while. He seemed like a good guy, but tended to be more of a follower.

Alice and I had a knock down drag out fight the night of homecoming that year. She called Jessica all sorts of nasty things and while Jess might have been a little vacuous, she wasn't a "slut" or a "skank". We hadn't even moved beyond kissing. I hadn't told anyone that, but Alice was making a huge deal that this was our third date and knew what that meant. I didn't, but didn't care enough to ask either.

Bella stayed home that night, but Alice and I ended up at the same party with our perspective dates. She was still pissed and was drinking more than I liked. I kept close to Jess, just to show her she wasn't in charge of my life. I ended up bored with the crowd and went home early, leaving Alice and Riley at the party.

It wasn't until Chief Swan showed up at my parent's door a couple of hours later did I realize that some things can never be taken back.

I've had a lot of time to think in the last year how my actions caused Alice's death. I didn't really care about Jessica, I probably wouldn't have even dated her beyond the first date if Alice hadn't made such a scene about it at the time.

Alice started dating Riley after I started dating Jess. After one date she was "in love." That's impossible. I should have seen it at the time, but I didn't until it was too late. If I wasn't such a selfish prick and a better brother, Alice would be alive today. I have no doubt of that. Bella's would kick my ass for saying that, but I think even she knows it's true on some level.

Bella and I pulled into each other for the last part of the year. No one ever really understood our connection when it was the three of us. It hurt too much to explain it, when it became just the two of us. We kept each other sane and alive for the months following the car accident. We tried to protect each other from everything and everyone, until I left for college.

I didn't want to leave Bella or my mom, but I needed a fresh start. Being at college without Bella, I wasn't in protective big brother/best friend mode and ended up having lots of time to analyze everything. I've gone over it a million times it was my fault, pure and simple. I may have been Bella's protector, but she wouldn't have really needed one, if I hadn't taken Alice away from her in the first place.

Bella had called for the third time in the last couple of days. I managed to send her another email and telling her I was in the middle of studying, but she knew me and didn't seem to be letting up. I was tired of failing her, my mom and everyone else around me and now I was guilty for pulling away.

I figured Bella was probably at church with my family, we went as a huge group every Sunday. She had been going in my place since I left for college. My mother goes to church every day; she found such comfort in it. I hadn't told anyone, but I hadn't been since I started college. I had run into a priest, Father Carlisle, outside of campus and starting talking to him. He gave off such a positive energy, that I guess it reminded me to go back.

I walked into to the church downtown for the 8:30am mass. I had never been there, but I knew the routine. I found myself in a pew on the left side about 3 rows up in the back. Slowly, miraculously, I found myself decompressing. The repetitiveness of the mass allowed me to lose myself in it. For the first time in almost a year, I didn't feel like I was drowning in guilt over Alice for a moment. I didn't get much out of the homily about divorce of all things, but I still felt at home. Walking back from communion I watched the people sneak out before the last hymn. My brother Paul and I used to do that until our Mom caught us. We had to attend every mass that Sunday with her so we wouldn't miss a word, I never left early after that.

I left church feeling more whole than I had in a long time, maybe forever. I resolved to go back and maybe even find Father Carlisle and thank him.

**JPOV Same time period**

Fuck my life. I had to get my shit together. My clubbing was getting the way of my career. That last bout with X and the guys could have fucked up life for good.

After getting sponsored by Quiksilver, the corporate office assigned some douche as my keeper. Jacob Black was an uptight ass kisser. He had his nose so far up the marketing manager's ass that shit was leaking out his ears.

The day we met, he reminded me of my sister's new boyfriend, Emmett. Nice guy, but a huge motherfucker. Jacob was about his size. All he could talk about was how Quicksilver was his dream job and how he couldn't believe he got to work with me. I snorted when I thought about how that came back to bite him in the ass.

When I first got signed, no one knew I was gay. It wasn't really anyone's business and it certainly didn't have anything to do with what I could do on a surfboard. People could assume what they wanted. No one asked and I didn't offer any information, in my mind one had nothing to do with the other.

So while I wasn't waving any rainbow flags, I definitely enjoyed all that my life and predilections had to offer. I enjoyed men, strong, viral, muscular men. It took me a long time to come to terms with my homosexuality and the time for me apologizing for what and who I am was long time past.

When Jake found out about me being gay, he ran right to Quiksilver. Instead of being celebrated for what I was, their fucking rockstar, I was a "liability" to be managed. I almost quit a hundred different times. Sure, I drank and partied, I wasn't by any means the first or only sports star to let loose when he wasn't on the field, or in my case, the water. But to them, apparently, it's okay to let loose, but only if you're with the opposite sex and preferably in their name brand apparel while doing it.

I had gone through my" pissed off at the world" stage when I first realized I was gay, but it must be a little like riding a bike, because as soon as all the shit with Quiksilver started, I fell into it again.

I was given rules of acceptability and Jake was there to make sure I followed them. Jake and Quiksilver could have kissed my ass at that point. I continued to win surf competition after surf competition and my fan base exploded. I loved putting the suits in a corner daring them to get in my face about my sexuality. I threatened to walk enough that Jake was kept on a tight leash as well.

Being on the water was the only time my life made sense. It was fine and good to refuse to turn my back on being gay; it was another to actually have a relationship with a man that meant anything. I was never in a place long enough for a relationship, so I became an expert at getting who I wanted in a short period of time. It wasn't rocket science- flirtatious smile, some teasing touches and assurance that I was confident that no man would ever measure up after a night with me, was all it took. In the end they were lucky to be with me, because I was that good.

One night, after a string of nights I had partied until dawn, I managed to get a hold of what I thought was Ecstasy, but wasn't. Jake found me wondering downtown and saved my ass. I still don't know what transpired that night.

I would have bet money that he would have reported it, but he never did. He never yelled or questioned me either. The only thing he told me when he walked out of my apartment, that it was time I started figuring out what it the world made me happy and to protect those things, instead of wasting time on how to tear myself up over what I hated about life.

I was tired of the clubs and endless empty fucks. Jake showed up at my house for the last two weeks at 4:30am and told me we were going surfing. We went every day. I had almost forgotten what it was like to surf with more than two hours of sleep in the morning.

It was Sunday and Jake was out of town visiting his father. I slept in by accident and skipped surfing this morning. I wandered out of my apartment complex and decided to walk and get some breakfast. I don't know what made me go in, but as I passed the church on the corner, I followed the parishioners into mass. I grew up as an altar boy, but I hadn't been to church since my confirmation.

I took a seat in the middle, about two rows from the back, since I didn't know anyone. I felt strangely comforted with the predictability of the actions that I knew so well. The priest homily was a joke though. _I mean who talks about divorce in church_? However, I could deny the comfort there that I hadn't experienced in a long time, maybe ever. The light streaming through the stain glass windows reminded me of the sunrises I loved so much.

I left mass after communion, because no one ever really stays until the end, and went straight to the beach. As the waves lapped at the beach and I began to feel the connection with the water and God. I don't know why I hadn't made it before. Looking over the water I couldn't help but thank God for the peace I found in mass today. I decided right there to be a better man and be honorable of that connection I made with God.


	18. Chapter 18 A Place To Call Home I

I numbly entered the cabin of the plane going down the aisle while everyone who was boarded before me, avoided my eyes. That was the thing about open seating; no one really wanted anyone else seated next to them. I finally found an aisle seat in the back and grabbed it before I was relegated to a dreaded middle seat. Doing exactly what the other passengers before me did, I avoided all the passengers behind me by closing my eyes to appear asleep. As the announcements began, I texted Em.

_On plane, thanks for everything_

His response made me smile. _Any excuse for a road trip, my man. But srsly, anytime anywhere. Call me - OR I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN._

I don't know if I would have been able to stay sane over the last couple of days without him. I was just so tired and couldn't wait to crawl in my old bed and sleep. Having dozed on and off during the short flight, I was a little groggy when we landed in Seattle.

After trudging through the terminal, I watched impassively as families and lovers held on to each other both in hello and goodbye hugs in the public area of SeaTac. A momentary concern flashed though my brain as I wondered if I should have called ahead to let anyone know I was coming, but it disappeared as fast as it came.

The drive was amazingly peaceful as all the variations of green slowly seeped into my system with each passing mile.

_I'm coming home._

Memories bombarded my stream of consciousness as I passed familiar landmarks and one thought overrode all the others.

_Alice is here._

It occurred to me, that somewhere along the line I had left her here. Guilt overwhelmed me. It seemed I had traded Alice for Bella a long time ago and in the end, I lost everything. Alice had been on my mind a lot over the past two weeks, but I hadn't felt connected to her until now. I smiled despondently.

_I'm so sorry for letting you down, Ali. Please forgive me._

It wasn't long before I pulled the rental in front of Mom and Dad's house. After blowing out all the air in my lungs, I took a deep breath and stepped out of the car, game face intact, as I headed to the front door.

Reaching for the door knob, I was startled when the door flew open and a little red-head let out a short, alarmed scream.

"Oh. My. God. You scared me! Grandma, there's someone at the door for you!" The girl yelled as she ran out the door, while my eyes followed her path around the side of the house.

"Edward!" My mom shockingly whispered in disbelief.

"Um, hi, mom."

"What are you doing here?"

I wasn't sure whether to be insulted, wearily, understanding or relieved. In the end I was a combination of all of it. "I don't know, I just wanted to come home for a couple days."

"We were planning on flying down for your ordination on Thursday," she awkwardly blurted out. I shifted my weight from one foot to another as she silently stared at me trying to put whatever she needed to together in her head.

"Can I come in, Mom?" I asked, looking up through my lashes as her slightly scrunched up face.

She shook her head and cleared whatever thoughts were in it. "Of course, Edward!" She answered, pulling her hand back off the door, offering entrance to the foyer.

I smirked as I passed her. _Ever the perfect hostess, huh Esme?_

"Edward, I have to take Brittany to her soccer game and then home. I didn't know you were coming and you know how I live for the grandchildren's games. Blake and Sean have a boy-scout meeting tonight, so I'm babysitting for your brother until late tonight..." She continued to babble on about all the things that were happening as I allowed my senses to adjust to the familiar decorations and smell of the house.

"Edward?"

"What, mom?"

"Edward, are you listening to me? I just asked if you were going to be fine on your own? It would take some doing, but I can disappoint your brother and make other arrangements if I have to."

_Well, if you put it like that, Mom._

"Um, no, I'm fine. Just go do whatever you had planned."

"Grandma, we're gonna be late! Hurry!"

She seemed hesitant. "Okay, if you're sure."

I smiled my best congregational greeting smile. "I promise I'm fine. I really just wanted to hang out with you and Dad. Honest."

She walked out and I closed the door behind her.

_Home._


	19. Chapter 19 A Place to Call Home II

**A/N** First of all, characters - not mine. Almost Priest-ward and Surfsper plotline and characterizations of said not-my-characters - all mine.

This is a pivotal place in the storyline. E's past shaped who he is now and how he came to sublimate so much personal stuff that J opened wide up during their time together. I KNOW y'all want more E and J time and after more than a year of waiting, I completely acknowledge you deserve it, but we have to start the process of working this out so E can be in a place to be open to all that J can offer him.

It's hard doing it in short chapters, but I want to give y'all something. Unbeta'd as it is.

**Chapter 19 – A Place to Call Home II**

After looking around and getting reacquainting with the all the old pictures on the wall and smiling at all the new ones of all the grandchildren in frames scattered on every surface, I headed to the kitchen.

I don't know why I was surprised to find the refrigerator overstuffed full of food. Even though it was just her and Dad, I doubted that Esme Masen had ever learned to buy food for just two people. Honestly, I couldn't remember a time when the refrigerators and cupboards weren't overfilled with food, chips and candy. To this day, I still get a little freaked out when I can't see the back of my refrigerator because of growing up here.

It was a little disconcerting to see how little had changed. There was still an easel in the corner of the kitchen, except now "artwork" covered the wainscoting in the breakfast area, no doubt one of my nieces' or even grand-nephews' budding masterpieces. My finger glided over an open Highlights magazine on the table, slowing on the half-finished Hidden Picture section, before throwing away a discarded partially eaten apple and a string cheese wrapper.

_Mom's getting complacent in her old age. What happened to all the starving children and NEVER leaving trash around the house?_

Walking up the stairs, I noticed all the grandkids' photos, crammed in between all the old photos of us. It looked messy and disorganized, so different from the clean lines I craved in my own life.

Once I got to the top stair, I froze.

_Where were the pictures of Alice?_

Slowly backing down stair by stair, as I studied each picture more carefully. We were all there, even Bella made the wall in several pictures, but no Alice.

_Huh?_

My head was too full of everything else to wrap my brain about it, so I plodded back up the stairs. I couldn't wait to fall into my own bed. I opened my childhood room door to see all my furniture was gone and replaced three tables in a u-shaped placement with stickers and pictures all over the place.

_Really? Are you kidding me?_

After slamming the door, I open the other rooms to find Seth's room still intact. Since Seth was still away at college, so I kicked off my shoes and fell into a dreamless sleep with my clothes still on.

"Eddie, Eddiekins…"

"Shut up Gar! Hey, go get me the marker on the desk over there."

I sat straight up and tried to focus on what was happening.

"What's going on Garrett?" I asked finally sleepily.

Garrett and Sam looked back at me and started cracking up.

"I couldn't believe it when Brittany told me Uncle Eddie was home. She didn't even recognize you at first."

"Wow, that was Brittany? She looks so grown up, Gar."

"Don't I know it. Damn if I'm not gonna go out buy a shotgun soon, she's twelve going on 23, dude." He pauses before smirking and adding, "You don't have a nunnery down there I can send her to, do you?"

"Shit man, Mary Kate's fifteen, I don't know who she's gonna give a heart attack to first, her mother for her quick mouth or me for those damn short shorts and high heels! Do you know Barbara lets her buy Victoria Secret underwear? Thongs,man, thongs!

"I folded that shit up and kept putting it in Barbara's drawer, then she just full on yells at me for putting Mary's shit in her drawers. I looked over at the thong and showed her where it clearly said Victoria's Secret on the waist line and she told me no, it was Mary's.

"I asked here where she got it and Barbara tells me they went together! That Mary _needs_ thongs because no some no pantie-line thing. I mean what the hell is that?"

Garrett and I just stare at Sam and then bust up laughing.

"Shut up, Hell-boy!"

"What's that supposed to mean?" I ask as I lob a pillow at Sam.

Garrett interrupts us by asking in between chuckles, "I'm still picturing Sam folding girly underwear," which only served to set off another round of laughter from all of us.

"Barbara and I may have had this conversation a couple of minutes before I left the house." Sam answered sheepishly.

Garrett snorted and dead panned. "No shit," as the pillow I threw at Sam hit Garrett square in the face.

"What are you guys doing here?"

"What are we doing here, what are you doing here? Last I checked, I was taking my valuable vacation time and putting my screaming kids in the car to attend your ordination in a couple days. What's up, Ed?"

I froze at the question. Stalling I looked over at the clock and found my saving grace.

"Crap! Has mom left for church yet? I don't want to miss mass."

"Um, I'm not sure-" Garrett started before Sam grabbed Garrett's wrist and interrupted.

"-Oh shoot Ed, you're right. If you don't leave now you'll miss it. Good thing you're already dressed."

Looking down at my wrinkled clothes, I imagined Fr. Carlisle's disappointment in my lack of hygiene.

_Whatever, I'll just sit in the back._

I smelled my tee shirt. It was still grimy from the road trip and the plane ride, but not stinky enough to make me gag. I figured it was good enough, if it got me out of being questioned by my brothers.

Grabbing my keys, I waved at Garrett and Sam, passing the hall bathroom, even though I really needed to pee. "See you guys later!"

Once I got in the car, I adjusted the rearview mirror only to see my hair sticking up all over.

_What the…? Are they twelve?_

When I turned the mirror to face me directly, my head really looked like hell-boy comic book character. Gar and Sam had twisted my hair in small sections and put some kind of hair product on it to make it stay. I looked like a porcupine head.

My phone went off as I noticed Garrett and Sam take off in Sam's pickup.

_Guess you're NOT going to Church now, huh, Hell boy? We both think it will make a freaking awesome look for your ordination. You're lucky you woke up when you did, because the permanent marker was next. LOL Gotta get to work. Some of us have real lives with wives and kids and jobs. Call me before you take off. - G_

I shook my head and smiled. I had forgotten that they used to play so many pranks on each other. I wasn't usually included in on them though.

I smiled again and went inside.

_Guess there will be no church for me this morning._

Hopefully, you read my AN before this chapter. I realize these chapters seem mundane, but I'm laying the foundation for what is to come. As a reminder. E comes from a huge family and he's one of the younger ones. Some of his nieces and nephews are his age. All in all, I think there would be about 50+ direct relatives for some perspective. Also, E hasn't been home in about 3-4 years. Alice passed away about 8 years ago.


	20. Chapter 20 A Place to Call Home III

**A/N** Recognizable characters - not mine. Almost Priest-ward and Surfsper plotline and characterizations of said not-my-characters - all mine. Just bringing my toys to play in SM's sandbox

I'd first like to start with gratitude. THANK YOU for the overwhelming number of people who favorite and story alerted AoG. I am truly humbled that you like this and so happy we're on this ride together.

Still not Beta'ed, all mistakes are mine and mine alone.

**Chapter 20 - A Place to Call Home III**

Without church this morning, I felt out of sorts. Morning mass always had a way of placing me in the right head space to approach the day. This morning offered too much time to think, and I really wasn't ready to do that yet.

It all seemed too much and I really didn't want to face that maybe I wasn't destined for happiness. Thoughts of our time in the motorhome, Jake telling me not to come to Costa Rica, beating Jasper in the car race, wondering where all the pictures of Alice were, morning coffee after surfing, Emmett telling me maybe I should give this a chance, windsurfing, Bella kissing me, Brittany all grown up, Fr. Carlisle aligning himself up with Bella to watch over me and just being back in this house spun around in my head making me so overwhelming tired.

My last thought, before I laid back down, was one that gave me enough comfort to smile before closing my eyes.

_At least Jasper is surfing and where he is supposed to be. _

The banging of piano keys woke me up.

"Christian! Stop that you're making too much noise."

"Naaaanaaa, pwease can I play? I make a song for you."

Apparently my mother had given in because the banging started up again.

_Where did all this self-indulgence come from?_

I made my way downstairs to find Mom crocheting some sort of a white baby cap and a cute little toe-headed boy coloring on the piano bench.

_Must be Evan or Parker._

Mom looked lovingly over at him and smiled that doting smile only Grandmothers seem to have. I have to say, I felt a little jealous. I couldn't remember of a time where she looked at Alice, Bella or I like that.

"Who's this?" I asked quietly.

"Oh hi Edward, I almost forgot you were up there! Evan, say hello to your Uncle Eddie."

The little boy stopped coloring and looked up at me with rose colored cheeks that took over his whole face.

"Hi Evan. I'm Uncle Edward, you mommy's brother."

Evan seemed less than impressed and went back to coloring.

"You remembered who he was?"

Nodding, "Yeah, kind of, I figured he was either Evan or Parker."

She smiled, "I guess he could have been Isaiah for you, too."

"Nah, Isaiah's four and a half and this little one only looks about three." I answered back, wrapping my hands around Evan's little belly and pushing in his tummy Pillsbury Dough boy style causing a fit of contagious giggles.

"Stop it Unca Eddie!" Evan cried out.

"You're good with him, he doesn't usually take to strangers that well."

"Well it's a good thing I'm not a stranger, huh Evan?" I retorted, continuing my assault on Evan's tummy.

"Edward! You're going to overstimulate him and its almost nap time."

Both Evan and I groaned together, but I stopped tickling.

"Nana, I not tired!"

"Evan Charles, it is almost one o'clock and you know what that means, nap time. I'm not going to tell you to go get into bed, you are just going to do it. Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes, maam. You read to me?"

"Nana's busy right now. Why don't you see if Uncle Edward can read to you?"

Evan opened his big eyes and if on cue started rubbing them. "You read to me, Unca Eddie?"

"What do I read?" I whispered to my mother.

She smiled over at Evan and then back to me. "He'll show you."

Before I could all the letters fell out of the coconut tree, Evan was fast asleep. He looked angelic with his lips parted so slightly and a wisp of wavy blond hair falling over on his forehead. I pushed out an errant thought that this was what Jasper probably looked like as a child. The pink in his cheeks has lightened a shade and I watched his chest rise and fall. It reminded me of the consistency of the ebb and flow of the waves.

_To be so peaceful, sometimes God's perfection is so evident in this world. _

I don't know how long I watched Evan, but I must have fallen asleep again because when woke, the bed empty. Once the fallen book had been replaced on the bookshelf, I dragged myself downstairs.

Mom was nowhere to be found, but my sister Bridget was there with our brothers' children, organizing the carpooling for girl scouts, band practice, hockey, soccer and dance class. Bridget's kids were long since grown. She was one of the oldest. I used to laugh when new parents and teachers would like she was my mother and now my sister. There was even a kid in my class who's mom was my sister's friend in high school. Coming from a big family like ours is sometimes weird and embarrassing.

"Hi baby bro!" She said pulling me into a warm welcoming hug.

"Hey Brig. This is Grand Central Station! I see the chaos in this house hasn't slowed down any."

She laughed a full belly laugh. "Um, no, never. Wait a minute until I get these kids situated."

There was a knock on the door and a woman picked up two of the five kids. Then Bridget handed her keys to my niece, Valerie, and gave her instructions on where to drop the rest of them off.

"Okay Aunt Bridget, I've done this before, you know."

Bridget arched her graying brow. "Not in my car, Miss Val, so listen up, be safe or it will be the last time." Valerie stomped out with remaining three kids in tow.

"How have you been, handsome?"

Running my hand through my hair, I looked up. "I've been better."

"I gathered that, or I guess I wouldn't be seeing you in this house a couple of days before your ordination. Cold feet?"

I smiled shyly at Bridget's no nonsense approach. "Who wants to know? You or mom?"

She smirked back at me. "You should know by now - all of us! Garrett and Sam were the first team and they crashed and burned. Mom's not leading the calvary to get information like she usually does, so I'm assuming she knows more than the rest of us, but we're dying here!"

"I don't really know where to start-"

"-Is there going to be an ordination?"

"-Yessssss," I dragged out. "But I'm not going to be in it."

"I knew it!"

"You don't have to be so excited," I deadpanned.

"Well, I may be getting my car fixed for free, so-"

"Wait, you all bet whether I was going to be ordained or not?" I asked incredulously.

"Maybe?" She responded quietly. "Well, Garrett, Peter and Sam thought you were coming for Mom's cooking before being chained to God or whatever, but let's face it, you haven't been back in like five years, so I knew it wasn't THAT."

Still stunned, I pushed away the need for Bella, in that moment. "It's been three and a half years." I responded indignantly.

She snorted. "Okay, but I'm an old woman three years, five years? It's all the same. You weren't here." She responded before pausing. "So are you postponing your ordination or not doing it at all?"

I tried to formulate an answer that would end this conversation I wasn't ready to have yet. No words came to mind.

"Not at all, I think. I don't know, it's all really confusing." I stared at the pictures on the piano. "Where are all the pictures of Alice?"

Bridget looked startled. "What do you mean?"

"Alice? There are no pictures of her."

"That's ridiculous. Yes, there are."

"No, I looked at every single one."

She looked around the room trying to prove me wrong.

"You won't find any." I tell her bitterly.

"Edward, Mom's been doing a lot of scrapbooking, I'm sure they're in her scrapbook room. This isn't a conspiracy." She said as she rolled her eyes.

"Really? There are pictures of everyone else. There are even ultra sound pictures framed in this house, but not one of Alice on the walls. What. Does. That. Mean?"

"Look, Mom has been making room for the grandchildren's pictures. Sarah, Emily, Leah and I have been bugging her about all the clutter and getting rid of old ones of us. I'm sure it was an oversight."

"But all of them?" I challenged.

"Edward Anthony! Just what kind of seminary did you attend? Where is your compassion? Did they not teach you anything? I don't know what happened to the pictures! Ask mom, but before you do, you just remember, you and I may have lost a sister, but Mom and Dad lost a daughter! I know you don't have children, but I can't even imagine what that would be like! Don't you dare attack her like you're attacking me right now."

My anger spiraled out of control.

"You may have technically lost a sister, but you weren't close to her like I was! I lost a sister, I lost a best friend, you already were out of the house. You didn't even really know her!"

Bridget stepped back, took a breath and answered, "That's not true."

"We were just some pests that you had to babysit. You never spent any real time with us! You. Didn't. Lose. Her. Bella and I lost her! Seth lost her. Even Mom lost her. But you had your own life and it didn't include us."

"Regardless of what you think, Edward, we ALL lost her. She was my sister too. Was I close to her like I am with Leah and Sarah? No. None of us chose to be in this big family! There was almost twenty years difference between us! Am I going to apologize for finally having my own life? No. Do I wish I was closer to her? Absolutely.

"But, if you think you were the only one that was affected by her death, get over yourself! We all carry the loss. It took YEARS to get mom back, and look at you, you're still not here with us! Go run to your precious Bella, she'll protect you." Bridget spit out.

"What are you talking about?"

"You're just like Dad, you know. He always finds something to hide behind. For years it was work and then it was the Knights of Columbus. Well, guess what, little brother, you had Bella and then the seminary!"

Out of breath from our shouting match, I stared back at her wide-eyed expression.

"Edward-"

Putting my hand up, I shook my head and walked back up the stairs.

**A/N** - I know its cruel ending it here, it was just a good stopping point. This was actually going to be the last of the "A Place to Call Home" chapters (in theory Parts 1-3 would have been one chapter in the past), but Bridget had a lot to say - I know from experience that brothers and sisters (particularly sisters) don't let their siblings get away with much. There's one more element which will be included in the next chapter. I'm writing it now.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, to everyone who has been reviewing. I really feel the love and it means the world to me.

Any thoughts? Like Bridget? Hate her? Have a Bridget of your own?


	21. Chapter 21 A Place to Call Home IV

**A/N** Recognizable characters - not mine. Almost Priest-ward and Surfsper plotline and characterizations of said not-my-characters - all mine. Just bringing my toys to play in SM's sandbox

Okay, someone wished me Happy AoG Anniversary and I, like a sucky hubs, didn't know anything about it. Thank you to everyone who has been there from the beginning and there are an amazing number of you. xoxoxo

Last part in the A Place to Call Home Chapters! This is a big one, and for all you Surfsper lovers, he's gonna be back in the following chap!

Bete'd by the lovely Savannah Vee and SarahAH30 - I love them lots along with the rest of Team AoG. – Brace yourself.

**Chapter 21 A Place to Call Home IV**

_Of course it's dead._ I threw my cell phone against the wall and watched it break in three pieces.

_Why did I even come back here? There's no place for me to go._

_Was Bridget right? Have I hidden behind Bella all these years? Has she really been waiting all this time for me? I miss her. I miss Fr. Carlisle. Life was so simple and structured at the seminary. My life had purpose and I was good at it. Was it all just something to hide behind? Was I using them or being used? I miss…_

The memory of Jasper singing on the beach flooded my memory. The way his eyes crinkled in the light of the fire and the way our toes touched under sand and no one noticed.

_I wasn't hiding with J, was I?_

My head hurt so much; I lay down again and closed my eyes as one silent tear fell onto Seth's pillow case.

Something startled me awake, I'm unsure whether it was a dream, but any further sleep was out of the question.

For someone, who just woke up, I was so tired. I was tired of being the best best-friend, seminary student, brother, son, friend, youth counselor, mediator, homily giver, marketer for the church. I was tired of being everything for everyone.

_Why does it always have to be me? _

Like so many times before, I pulled out my well-worn bible for answers I certainly didn't have myself. Flipping through verses I thought of what I might counsel a parishioner to do, faced with this type of confusion. _Could it be as simple as Matthew 7 verse 7?_ "Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you."

After staring at the two small cracks in the ceiling for over an hour, I decided it was time to do something, anything. For me, this house represented Alice and the loss of everything good that surrounded her.

_Maybe it was time it didn't. _

I found long flat boxes stacked up in the corner and opened the top one. There were dozens, maybe hundreds of pictures of my nieces and nephews in no particular order. The next three boxes contained more of the same. Seth and I were mixed into the third box because we were about the same age as them. Some of the pictures I had seen, but most I hadn't. Mom was in several of them, so I guessed they were Bridget's, Liam or Maggie's.

She looked, happy. Sometimes I forgot how happy she was back then. I didn't miss that there were no pictures of Alice in any of these boxes either.

I kept digging through the stacks of pictures. I had seen many of these pictures growing up, but it was nice seeing them again. I had to chuckle to myself on the amount of pictures for my older brothers and sisters, versus the ones of Garrett, Alice, Seth and I. It was always one of our biggest complaints.

Alice used to swear mom and dad would recycle pictures of the older kids baby pictures when we needed them for a project for school. She insisted on taking a lot of pictures growing up.

_Where did they all disappear to?_

I got through all the boxes and was nostalgic and upset.

_How could they just eradicate her? Why would they?_

Sound of movement downstairs alerted me that it must be morning. I debated on whether to go back to bed or confront my mother. In the end, I chose comfort; I showered and headed to mass.

Mom seemed surprised to see me in the back row as she was walking out.

_Ask her about the pictures._

I simply smiled tightly as she passed me. I don't know why I didn't ask her, I just didn't.

Ordination day came and went. I called and left messages on the numbers I could remember during the actual ordination, knowing no one would pick up their phone. My cell phone remained in the pieces it broke into against the wall. I still had no inclination of putting it back together or talking to anyone. It just made remembering numbers difficult. I never realized how dependent I'd become on my stored address book.

Over the next couple of weeks, I got into a comfortable routine of going to church and assisting with all my nieces and nephews. I found great solace in helping out with the youth group at our church and remembered why I sought out the church in the first place. I picked up the routine of the house fairly quickly and enjoyed spending time with my family. It was dizzying to keep track of everything that everyone had going on. There was something going on every night whether it was soccer, ballet, scouts, plays, dates. It was crazy and offered a wonderful distraction, except at night of course. It seemed even God couldn't keep those thoughts at bay.

Each one of my brothers and sisters had either come over for awkward small talk or called the house. The only one I hadn't talked to was Seth and I missed him even though we didn't talk as often as I would have liked. Why I was home was still the elephant in the room, but no one, including my dad pushed me on the subject. Dad even asked one night if I wanted to go to the K of C meeting with him. He looked relieved as I was when I declined politely.

I tried to ask Mom about the pictures of Alice several times, but she was quite adept at dismissing and evading the question. My sisters were no help either. Everyone seemed on higher alert though. They were all surprised that anything Alice related had disappeared, but no one was publicly acknowledging it or asking Mom about it.

Finally, Seth called the house. "Eddie! You are alive! What the hell, dude? You bail on your ordination. You don't answer your phone or texts. Your mailbox is full by the way. And what's with mom running interference?"

I couldn't help but smile.

"Wow, hey little bro."

"That's all I get? You've been hanging out with Garrett too much."

I snorted. "Yeah well, there's not much to do here at Grand Central Station."

"I know right? So, no ordination? You okay?"

"Yeah, it was just too much, too soon, you know?"

"I guess, but it's kinda out of left field. Last time we talked, everything was right on track and you were the Church's golden boy. What ya do, eat an apple?" He teased.

I debated on what to say.

"More like I noticed there were apples on the tree."

"Um, college student here. This conversation is getting a little too metaphorical for me, English please."

"I just started to see things differently and it made me question whether I was making the right choice."

There was silence on the line for a long time.

"Then you did the right thing, bro. Figure shit out."

"That's was I'm trying to do."

"Is that why you're there?"

"I guess."

I could practically hear the gears turning in his head.

"Too bad Mom and Dad don't have an X-Box, we could play. I took it when I left, sorry."

I smiled, grateful for the change in subject.

"Yeah, maybe I'll sneak over to Sam or Garrett's. I've been playing with Em and Jasper, so watch out, college boy." I taunted.

"Who's Jasper? One of Emmett's friends?"

"Kind of. He's Rosalie, Bella's roommate's, brother, Jasper Hale. He's a surfer." I answered tentatively.

"Jasper Hale! You play X-Box with Jasper Freaking Hale? I have magazines with him in it. He's not just a surfer, he's a surfer GOD!"

I snickered. _Well, he thinks so too, little brother._

"Yeah, he taught me how to surf, or at least how to stand up on a board. He's a nice guy, I really like him."

Memories of morning coffees, and vanilla creamer, shows in the motorhome and jealous Jasper in the dessert overtook all thoughts for a moment.

"Do you think you could get him to autograph a poster for my dorm? Ed, are your listening to me? Eddie!"

"Sure," I answered, wondering if I should call or text him to just say hi.

Seth droned on about some energy drink that was his new sponsor. I smiled thinking about kite surfing, until I remembered him raging at the tide that last night.

Shaking that image out of my head, I reminded myself, he's happy and surfing and where he needs to be.

"-Hey Seth" I interrupt.

"What? I was talking about Hale, Mr. Interrupter. Did you seriously not appreciate who you were spending time with? Typical."

"-I'm sorry, but I just remembered something, and you're the only one I haven't asked."

"Kay, what?"

"Do you know where all the pictures of Alice went?"

There was a long silence on the line.

"Seth?"

"Why are you looking for them?" He asked hesitantly.

"She's my sister, Seth. I just want to see her face again. Do you know where the pictures went?"

"Yeah, I probably know. But maybe things are better left alone, ya know?"

"No, I don't know."

"Listen, I know you haven't been around a lot and believe me, I understand, but you remember how Mom was back then, she was a mess. She's honestly better now. You have Bella and the church, but all she has is us. Please don't bring up old shit, better left in the past."

"What is it with everyone? She was our sister, our light! Why is everyone willing to hide her under the rug and pretend she doesn't exist?"

"E, I loved her as much as anyone, but her death broke us, all of us in different ways! Forgive me if I don't want to go back to that place again."

I got it, but I didn't. I couldn't wrap my head around how the price of familial harmony rested on pretending Alice didn't exist.

"Seth?" I questioned quietly. "Where are they, I promise I won't stir up anything. I just want to see her again." Then I added in a whisper, "Sometimes I think I've forgotten what she looks like."

He huffed. "The stuff is in the attic. I put it there, but I think the stuff you're looking for is at the bottom of mom's closet."

"Whaaaat?"

"I found it years ago when I was playing hide and seek with Tanner. He was looking at them when I found him. It's just a bunch of old pictures. There's some of us as kids. It's hard for her, E. The little kids ask questions and I think she just can't answer."

I nodded, even though he couldn't see me.

It was weird going into their room. I don't think it had changed in years. It smelled like dad's cigarettes and mom's perfume, an odd, but completely comforting combination.

I found the box buried under a stack of sweaters. It was older than the boxes in the scrapbook room and the lid was broken in the corners. I stared at it a long time. I don't know why it was so hard to open, but it was. Part of me wanted to leave it where I found it, and honor Seth's request.

I don't know why John 8, verse 32 came to mind, but it did. _"And you will know the truth and the truth will set you free."_

After putting the sweater back in the closet, I took the box back into Seth's room and locked myself in.

The box was huge. I delved into the box and smiled as I went over picture after picture. She was so full of life. She was always dragging Bella and I somewhere. There were pictures of us in the garage under the cars Sam and Liam were forever working on. I had forgotten the ones of Alice and Bella reading under the piano as I practiced. Then there were the pictures our first communions and all the crazy Christmases, Thanksgivings and Easters, so many happy memories.

Even the picture of Riley and Alice going off to the dance was in there. I had a hard time looking at it. In that moment, I thought I understood a little of why Mom took them down. These were personal.

I wanted a couple to take with me. _I wonder if Mom will notice if any of these are missing?_

There was one picture left, stuck in the corner of the box. Instead of yanking on it and risk tearing it, I flipped the box over to shake it out. The picture fell out with cardboard stabilizer at the bottom of the box and more pictures.

The first picture was of Alice's baptism. I was only two back then. It was a simple picture of father's hand over Alice's head, but the ring on the priest's hand shocked me. I had seen it thousand times and my understanding was that it was an original design.

The other pictures were of Mom and Alice and I. There were so few of Mom in any of the boxes that these stood out. She was happy, radiant even. She had kept Alice in her arms and was talking to someone that was holding me on his lap. His body was cut off, but the ring on his hand that was holding me, wasn't.

I felt sick. It simply couldn't be true. I needed an explanation.

Without thinking, I raced to my suitcase to find my phone. Remembering it was on the floor, I quickly put it together and waited for it to boot up. It blinked once and then turned itself off. Frustrated, I threw it back against the wall and ran down the stairs to the kitchen phone.

I knew the number by heart and dialed.

It was picked up on the first ring. Before I could say anything I heard a frantic, familiar voice on the other end.

"Esme? Are you okay?" Slack-jawed, I couldn't speak.

"Is he okay?" I shook my head, but I still had no words.

"I'm coming, don't try to stop me. He needs me. You need me."

I made what can only be described at a squawk into the phone.

"Edward, is that you? Son, talk to me."

I dropped the picture and the phone and walked out of the house.

**AN **- Ducks as runs – Are you mad at me? This was always in the outline. AND it shaped how our beloved Almost-Priestward came to be who he is today.

Someone you thought you guessed it was Esme that Father C was talking to, not Bella at the rectory in the seminary. :) You were right.

Happy Belated Anniversary AoG family. I truly love ya and appreciate you reading, critiquing, offering support, patience, frustration and love.

Missing Surfsper? I am. He's coming up next. Any guesses what tattoo he got?


	22. Chapter 22 Marked for Life I

**A/N** Recognizable characters - not mine. Almost Priest-ward and Surfsper plotline and characterizations of said not-my-characters - all mine. Just bringing my toys to play in SM's sandbox

Thank you SO MUCH for all the alerts and favorites. It means a lot to me that you all are enjoying this.

Beta'ed by the WONDERFUL Savannah Vee and SarahAH30 and pre-read by the very hot, CarrotTop81690, who always gives me that important male perspective and was my muse for one of my characters.

Well, Hello Surfsper!

**Chapter 22 Marked for Life Part I**

I swayed drunkenly as the large tattoo artist talked to Brandon about his "tortuga" tattoo. The walls were covered with examples of different tattoos and it was a little overwhelming to concentrate on them with all the tequila, rum and beer running through my system.

Plenty of sponsored surfers were tatted, so while I'm sure Jake thought he had domain over my body, he could fucking get over himself. There was something strong and masculine about a tattoo on the male form. It was primal and sexy as fuck.

I don't know when she walked up, but there was a beautiful dark haired girl with the brownest eyes I have ever seen. She reminded me of Bella, so I instantly disliked her. _ Bitch_.

"Are you going to get a tattoo like your friend here?"

As much as I wanted to be a dick to her, I knew cognizantly that she wasn't Bella and therefore didn't deserve my ire, but I was drunk as hell, so being nice to her wasn't an option either.

I politely smiled and continued looking at the pictures on the wall, not saying anything to her, hoping she would just go away. She didn't get the message and continued to trail me waiting to get her sale.

"Maje, you going to do this with me or pussy out?" Brandon taunted from the first chair.

Raising both eyebrows and looking teasingly at him, I challenged back with a smirk, "I don't _pussy_ anything, and you of all people know that, B."

Brandon blushed and turned his head to watch his tattoo guy drawing whatever he was drawing on tracing paper. _Amateur._

"Find what you are looking for?"

My eyes immediately focused on the dark haired, handsome man with the chocolaty voice in front of me.

"Excuse me?"

"I asked you if there was anything here that interested you." He responded with a flirtatious smile.

"I'm still looking, but I'll let you know."

"Don't take too long." _Not an amateur_

I continued to peruse all the pictures, slowly coming to the decision that I may just do this.

"A man's ink is a very personal thing. I'm assuming you won't be doing a heart or a clover, si?"

I full on snorted. "That's a safe bet."

The ink on his shoulder came into focus. It was a dragon, but I couldn't see it all as it continued under his shirt.

"What's your tattoo for?" I asked, gently tracing the strong lines along his shoulder as he shuddered slightly beneath my touch. _Not an amateur either, handsome._

"I thought I told you, a man's ink is a very personal thing," he breathed.

I chuckled, shaking my head slightly, knowing I was a bit of a flirt when I had been drinking.

"Okay, so how does one choose a tat, when there are clearly so many to choose from?"

"We can do anything here. Hearts and clovers are fine for the sorority set, but I would probably go with something surfing related for you Senior Hale."

"How the fuck do you know who I am?"

"Costa Rica is both small and large, it's our business to know who's in town for conventions and competitions, but that's not how I recognized you. Come here, you missed some of my favorite tats on the back wall."

I was still staring slack-jawed at the picture I ripped off the back wall three minutes ago. There I was, smiling. On. Some. Chick's Back. It was an incredible likeness, but what the fuck? I couldn't believe that someone sat for hours and hours while they were permanently marked with my likeness. Two simultaneous thoughts occurred to me. _This person needs a life and Emmett can NEVER see this._

"How long did this take?" I asked, still stunned.

"She came back twice and sat for about two to three hours at a time."

"Are you fucking kidding me?"

"No, she was very happy. It set her back about two grand."

"No shit? I feel like I should find her and give her some money back."

"Nah. Like I said, ink is a personal thing. Something in you resonated with something in her. She was happy."

"She doesn't know me. "

"You must have fans all over. This can't be your first fan experience."

"I have fans, I sign shit like tee shirts, surf boards, hats and even tits, but I have never had a tattoo of me on someone. That shit's surreal."

"I've done several tats of autographs for people before."

"Mine?" I ask incredulously.

"No."

"Thank God, I think that mind fuck would have made my brain explode. Did this chick seem sane?"

He laughed a beautiful warm deep laugh. "Yes. Like I said, something about you spoke to her in a way that made her want to permanently remember it."

I had almost forgotten about Brandon, so I walked the picture up to his chair.

His tattoo was almost done and it looked like the experience had taken a lot out of him. Fucker was biting his tongue and I knew he wanted to laugh.

With a glint of mischievous humor in his eyes, he asked, "Maje, can I borrow this?"

"What the fuck for, this your next tat?"

"No, I want to try to convince one of my boys to do this on their back so I could be with you whenever I wanted."

Brandon's tattoo guy just stared at us in horror and the rest of the three of us fell into a fit of uncontrollable laughter.

"Am I a sick fuck that I think it's hilarious that some dumbass is going to be fucking her from behind and looking at my smiling ass face?"

This set Brandon's tattoo guy off as well.

"This is why I shouldn't ink drunk asses." He grumbled.

We continued to laugh as the tension completely left the room giving me a chance to look at Brandon's ink.

It was a turtle, but the way the guy had drawn it the turtle could have easily been ocean waves. It was strong and beautiful and masculine and just sexy all at the same time.

I wanted to touch it.

"You approve, Maje?"

"B, that's about the coolest thing I've ever seen. No lie. After what we talked about today, it's damn near perfect, bro."

"Si, I can't think of a more perfect tribute. Maje, this was for me. You know you don't have to do this, right?"

"Thanks B, I know." I smiled genuinely back at him.

"Your friend finds meaning in tortugas. What is it that resonates with you, Jasper Hale?"

My mind immediately exploded with all the options available. _I was going to do this._

The first thing that came to mind was _his _damn smile. Then I looked down at the picture of the tattoo of me. _Oh hell no!_

I walked over to the crosses. Religion and I had had a love-hate relationship for many years and it meant so much more now, but I just wasn't feeling it.

The ocean, my salvation and sanity, made more sense. It has already marked my soul, why not mark my body as well? I flipped through the books of waves, surf boards and every sea creature imaginable. Some of the tattoos were very cool, just not for me.

I looked over at the sexy dark skinned boy keeping a respectable distance, but available just the same.

"I know you won't tell me what your tattoo means to you, but why did you pick a dragon?"

"You're just asking the same question in a different way, but you honestly seem curious, so I will tell you.

"If you were any other client I would give you the scripted dragons are powerful, protective and fearsome. They are a sign of strength, courage and strong will." He deadpanned.

"And because I'm not any other client?" I prompted.

"Dragons are also a sign of victory of Christianity, as in the story of St. George. It's a bit ironic, but my dragon reminds me of the courage and strength needed to face the overwhelming evil of ignorance and faith that my family and faith will eventually accept me for who I am."

I stared. _Jesus._

"Ticos are not as accepting of my… tendencies, as Americans are."

"So the dragon protects you?"

"Some days it does, some days I become the dragon."

"It's all so personal, isn't it?"

"Not always, but the important ones are."

I immediately felt humbled and overwhelmed.

"I want something with meaning. I want important."

He smiled. "That's good; it will be with you forever. I know you've been looking at images. Has anything spoken to you yet?"

"Yes and no. Nothing I would put on my body."

"What about symbolism? Have you thought about Japanese or Chinese symbols? They're quite popular."

I looked over the books and books of symbols for water, warrior, strength, love and even a couple of predators caught my eye, but nothing clicked. I wasn't native anything so tribal bands, while sexy as fuck, were out.

I continued looking, until I saw a picture of a wrist tattoo that looked different from the others.

"What does this mean? Is it Japanese or Chinese?"

"Neither, it's in the wrong book, it's Sanskrit."

"The ancient language?"

"Si. My next ink will be in Sanskrit. It is one of the oldest languages, with deep and powerful words and phrases."

"It's beautiful. What does this one mean, the one that looks like a music symbol?"

"That's Hakuna Matata."

I laughed and sang. "Means no worries, for the rest of my days." I paused then asked, "Like the Lion King?"

"Si, exactly, but think of the meaning of the words you just sang. No worries for the rest of your life. What a powerful thought, no?"

My head felt clearer and I felt almost sober in the seriousness of the moment. "Show me more."

I searched through a hundred phrases, some important, some less so, but I knew I wanted _something_ in this ancient language.

"What does this mean?"

"You have an eye for finding mis-filed pictures."

"What do you mean?"

"This is a picture of Victoria Beckham's tattoo, but it's in Hebrew."

"It looked a little different. What does it mean?"

"It's from the Songs of Solomon. I am my lover-

I interrupted, "-It's actually beloved. I am my beloved and my beloved is mine."

"It's the same, no?"

"No. A lover is a fuck. Beloved is more than a lover, a beloved is everything."

"Maybe you found something important enough to be permanent?"

"Maybe." I acquiesced.

I sat and stared at the tattoo. Edward had become my beloved, my everything. I suddenly realized was already marked; the ink just wasn't there yet.

"I want this one."

"You'll be just like Victoria Beckham and Katy Perry!" He practically squealed. _Oh. Hell. _

"What?"

"Lots of celebrities get these tattoos."

"How many?"

"It doesn't matter. It's going to look so cool! Where do you want it? On your back? Your shoulder? Maybe your calf?"

"How. Many?"

"I don't know, the Beckham's made it pretty popular. Quite a few I would guess."

_Fuck. _I actually felt bad for the Beckhams. They took something that was so personal to them and then the world copied it. This was theirs, not mine.

Even if I never got Edward back in my life again, he was a part of me. Our love was a part of me. Permanently, Importantly. As soon as I thought about what that meant, I knew what I wanted.

"Can you get me a bible?"

I found what I was looking for and pointed to it.

"I want this, in Hebrew."

"Really? Are you sure?"

"Yes, absolutely."

"Where?"

"Somewhere no one else can see it, but I'll know it's there." This was not for the world to see or copy. This was about me.

"You're in board shorts all day long, so a back or chest tat won't work."

"What about the top of my foot?"

"Feet hurt like a bitch to tat. It can be done, but I would never suggest a foot for your first tattoo. What about your hip?"

"My hip?"

"Sure, no one will see it, unless you want them too and it's a sexy as fuck place to put it." He said grabbing my waist and rubbing his thumb along the inside of my hip bone to make his point.

I involuntarily hardened slightly at his touch as I arched my brow.

"Point taken. Hip it is." I told him looking directly into his eyes until he broke eye contact.

"Miguel, can you ink John 13 in Hebrew on Mr. Hale's right hip?"

I looked at him in surprise. "You're not going to do it?"

"No, I'm just here to assist in any way the customer's need me." He answered in that deep chocolaty tone that insinuated so much. "Shall I wait around?"

I smiled. "No, but thank you. I really don't know how to thank you enough for helping me tonight."

"Let me know if you ever change your mind."

"I doubt that will be the case, but if I ever do, I'll let you know."

He nodded. Tell your sleeping friend he could call me too. I looked over at Brandon, passed out in the tattoo chair and smiled.

**AN:** Who knows what John 13 is off the top of their head? Did anyone guess? HINT – Check Chapter 11 - Better than an RV tattoo or a WindSurfing tat? ::Giggle::

Did anyone else see the full back tat of all the Twi characters from the movie? Wow. I don't any have tats, so if you felt like the experience wasn't realistic… I just wrote what I thought it would be like. From what I hear, tatting while you're drinking causing you to bleed more and is usually not done.

I think I might like to get one, but mine would be hidden too. Have a tat? Tell me about it

Number #1 guessed tattoo for Surfsper? "I'm lost." A J Rathbone reference I hear


End file.
